Chasing Pitter Patters

My Ute's Naughty Or Nice List

2010-12-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

Pssssst.... Anyone there? Thank you if you've been checking in on me even though I've been such a terrible blogger!

I'm sorry for being gone for so long. It's been one and a half months since my last post and I can't say that I have any good news to share at all. Infact, I've been feeling so down in the dumps for the way things are going with my cycles that I've been too frustrated to dedicate any more time thinking or blogging about it. But here I am anyway, still confused as ever, feeling completed dejected, and trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, if you ask if my uterus has been naughty or nice this year, especially of late, well, let's put it this way-I don't think she's gonna get anything from Santa for Christmas! She hasn't behaved in anyway that is good or acceptable. So here's her naughty list:

1) Following my Halloween 6DPO bleeding nightmare, the spotting continued for another 4 days before the floodgates broke opened. That either meant that I had a short luteal phase of about 10 days (UGH!) , or if I had a normal 14 day luteal phase, then I may have ovulated a few days earlier than we thought, on CD 17 instead of CD 20. Dr.NeverGiveUp prefers to be optimistic and think that I am ovulating earlier and earlier each cycle. It's still a bloody BFN whichever way you look at it!
VERDICT: Naughty

2) In the pain department, I had my usual cramps for about 2 days when AF broke through, and my ovaries started to ache early on in the cycle, particularly on one side, almost every day up till CD14-15. I was freaking out thinking that my eggs must be already twitching and growing earlier than normal. It's either that, or my endo was doing something nasty to my ovaries.
VERDICT: Naughty

3) By CD8, the ultrasound scan revealed 2 small eggs in the left ovary. At least there's something there...
VERDICT: Nice

4) A week later on CD15, the ultrasound scan revealed a 14 mm follicle but it was fuzzy. This may indicate that the follicle had just ruptured and ovulation had taken place. Hot damn! Ovulation on/around CD15? That is waaaaay early and surely a record for Zengirl! But it's not really good news because the follicle was a bit immature and small at 14mm. Ideally, it should grow to about 18mm to be a good egg. And whatever happened to the other egg?
VERDICT: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty.

5) The next day after the scan on CD16, I just had to POAS to check if there was indeed an LH surge and ovulation. The stick revealed a 2nd line almost as dark as the test line. And the day after that I POAS again and the 2nd line was fainter. I figured that I was catching the tail end of the LH surge and this concurred with ovulation happening around CD15.
VERDICT: Nice

6) A week after the last scan, we took a look to see what had happened to my eggs. The ultrasound scan this time revealed that the eggs were gone. They had indeed been unleashed out into the uterine world to find Mr. Right. Plain and simple. Open and shut case right? Not. At. All. Because in the mean time, my BBT goes up and down and up and down like the world's scariest, most unpredictable roller coaster ride.
VERDICT: Naughty

7) On 14DPO, AF had not come, but the HPT tested negative. They tell me to wait another week. They did not bother with anymore ultrasound scans since there were no more eggs to be seen.
VERDICT: Naughty

8) On 20DPO, AF still had not come. And the HPT tested negative again! My body tells me I was not pregnant. I had no symptoms at all.
VERDICT: Naughty

9) On further consultation and analysis of my BBT chart, the doctors assumed that ovulation could have taken place much, much later on CD27 instead, because it was only then that my BBT began to rise and stay up. WHAT? So what did the almost positive OPKs I peed on earlier mean? How could I have ovulated on CD27, when there were no eggs left on the last scan? They think that it's very rare, but I could have ovulated twice. It's really too bad they did not continue to monitor for eggs after the last "ovulation". Now there's no way of knowing.
VERDICT: Just. Plain. Naughty.

It is now CD40. Back to a long cycle again. UGH! This cycle's drama has been so drawn out. So, given that ovulation happened on CD 27, it is now 14DPO. And AF is still not here. My BBT remains high. Tomorrow, I will test again. Or AF should have announced its arrival by then. I have no idea what's going on in my body this time. I don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs are not sore at all. My ute feels really bloated, like the lining's all ripe to be shed. I do feel just a little nauseous from the hike in progesterone produced by the corpus luteum, but this has happened countless times before for me to know not to be fooled by this.

This has been the worst 2WW ever! Or rather 4WW!
WHATEVER!
BFP or BFN, I just want this waiting to be over.

Halloween Sex Nightmare

2010-10-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I am not talking about a movie or a dream, but as usual, it is my damn high-drama IF life.

WARNING: This is a TMI post!

It's 6DPO this Halloween, and still feeling a bit frisky, I thought it would be ok to have a little luvin'. I certainly remember Dr.NeverGiveUp's advice about not having sex 3-4 days prior to AF (read here and here). And I thought I was still in the clear.

Well, hubs and I were both shocked to discover brown discharge halfway through it. It did not start out this way, nor was I spotting before. Could we have induced another early period with sex again? I mean it's another 8 days till my period is due! WTF? The brown spotting has not increased but it has not stopped. Do I have some crappy incompetent cervix that can't keep my lining in somehow?

My nipples are still sore, but it's less intense now. My BBT is still relatively low-I think it indicates my progesterone production is still not great. And I've been feeling very crampy and bloated the last couple of days, though it has subsided. And some of the blood from my so called "beautiful" lining has shed-I think that's what the brown stuff was. Shit! Things don't look good. There goes my BFP.

It's been a hell of a Halloween! Hope yours was better.

LUFS Has Left The Building!

2010-10-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production. The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put! :-)

Possible Ms.RJ2 Sighted!!

2010-10-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

I went in for another u/s scan yesterday, CD17, to see what's up with my eggs. Here's what the scan said:

I have a 14mm follicle still in there, which I will now call Ms.RJ2 (my second egg since going on Royal Jelly) A week ago there were two - a 8mm and a 5mm. I don't know what happened to the second follicle. Maybe it ovulated or maybe it did a houdini? I don't know. Well, I've actually read about women who ovulated twice in a cycle--I'd never be that lucky, but who knows? My eggs are a bit of a delinquent freak!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks that we should assume that I have not ovulated and that we still have a shot with this egg. According to my historical data (actually last month's chart) and the looks of this egg, he predicts that I will ovulate around CD20. So we've got our game plan on... What else but sex, sex, sex in the coming week!

And oh! Dr.NeverGiveUp gave me a nice compliment - he said my lining was very, very beautiful! I should be flattered!

Ovulation Mystery

2010-10-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yikes! I might have missed my ovulation date this cycle!

I went in for my u/s scan yesterday, which was CD16 and the scan was inconclusive. Dr.NeverGiveUp said that the follicles looked unclear, which may indicate that I might have just ovulated. WHAT? The odds of that is pretty low, considering my history of no-show eggs or extremely late ovulation. So if I did ovulate this early, it's quite a shocker!

I POAS today, CD17, to see if there is an LH surge on the OPK. Well, the test line is almost as dark as the control line. This could mean 2 things - the LH is building up and I will ovulate soon, or that I am catching the tail end of the surge. Aaarghh! Wish I knew which it was! My BBT has also been pretty low all this cycle. I am to go in on Friday to have another scan to reevaluate where I'm at. Hopefully we'll know what's happening then.

Right now I am so confused. But still hopeful.

Potential Ms.RJ II

2010-10-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

So I am in the egg-nurturing phase now, to make sure I get a lovely egg this cycle. The u/s scan today revealed that I have 2 potential "Ms.RJ the Second" in my right ovary. It's CD11 and they measure 8mm and 5mm currently.

Other than that, there's nothing much to report. Well, maybe I can tell you that my libido's great, my mood's great and my weight loss has been going great:

Hubs really loves the effect that Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds are having on me. He loves them because I am always horny for him and he tells me my mood is always good these days. I am never irritable and I don't get upset over little things anymore. He can never tell when I am PMS-ing or when my period's coming. He feels like I am more like what I used to be when we were first married. He calls them mood-enhancing drugs and he wants me to be on them. Forever!

And I am about 2.5 points away from the healthy range of the Body Mass Index now. I can't believe I let myself put on so much weight since my miscarriage last year. I'm really worried about additional health problems if I get pregnant at the weight I am now. But all this exercise and portion control has been helping a great deal. Hubs thinks the weight loss has been visible and he feels I am beginning to look sexy now - "Delicious!" were his words to me today! LOL! That's been really encouraging. So I'm not gonna stop now till I look "HOT"!!!

(Then I can put it all back on for the baby.... Eeeek!)

Looking At the Bright Side

2010-10-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

As disappointing as this past cycle has been for me, Dr.NeverGiveUp tried to focus on the good things today.

Ms.RJ1, the monster egg-cum-cyst has disappeared! Today's u/s scan revealed that she is gone! The red tide must have "flushed" her out!

He thinks my cycles are getting shorter and I am producing eggs earlier. Although I've had better cycles 2 years ago, it is obvious that my fertility has gone worse with age. My first cycle under his care was 51 days. Followed by a non-ovulatory 36-day cycle. Then a 37-day cycle with ovulation on CD23. And most recently, a 35-day cycle with a luteinized follicle on Day 20, even though it didn't ovulate. Not exactly champagne breaking news, but it's not bad.

It's CD4 today. The pain has been intermittent but I think the worst is over. My hormones are beginning to rage. I can feel my sex drive surging again. I swear-this is ALL Dr.NeverGiveUp's doing! :-O

The End Has Come

2010-10-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

It is official:

Another cycle has bitten the dust. It's CD1 today.

I started feeling really tired and crampy yesterday. Thinking that some exercise would do me some good, you know, get the blood circulation going a bit, I managed to drag myself to the gym and came home to find that I had begun to spot. I knew that the end was near.

Today the pain started to get quite bad. I hadn't felt such pain in a while. I hadn't taken any Fibrovan since I last ran out about a month back. Maybe it did help with the pain while I was on it. Thankfully I had some of Dr.NeverGiveup's amazing TCM pain herbal medicine and took that. Within half an hour, the pain had subsided to a manageable level. Within a few hours, the flow started going. It was at that point that I began to feel relief. It was as if my ute was cramping hard trying to expel the lining, causing me pain, but once it started shedding, it started to ease up. Before, I used to cramp all the time, consistently for a few days. The difference now is that the cramping has decreased and is more focused. Every time I get a round of cramps, I can understand specifically what my body is trying to do now. And it's amazing how quickly my ute eases off once some blood is shed. A direct cause and effect. The relief is almost immediate! That's pretty amusing to me!

I'm glad this lousy cycle has finally come to an end. The good news is that I actually produced follicles much earlier this past cycle, and that my cycle has shortened to 35 days. The bad news is that I didn't actually ovulate.

Goodbye Ms.RJ1. You're like a guest who has overstayed your welcome. Hope you're gone!

Monster Egg

2010-10-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ms.RJ1 has turned into a MONSTER!

Today she measured in at 30mm!!! WTF? That's about 1 1/4 inch in diameter!

Apparently she found my ovary too comfortable and did not want to leave! The u/s scan showed that she's looking a bit whitish, which means that she will not ovulate. She is turning into a cyst, which will hopefully dissolve eventually (keeping my fingers crossed).

Dr.Never GiveUp came to a few conclusions about my state:

THE BAD:

I have Luteinizing Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS of LUF) which may be caused by 2 things:

Insufficient luteinizing hormone (LH) to trigger ovulation. LH is produced by the pituitary gland, therefore this may point to a problem with my pituitary gland
There is a problem in the quality of my egg (Surprise!Surprise!) whereby the "shell" may too tough for the egg to break through, even with sufficient LH

Dr.Never GiveUp noted that I did show a LH surge in my OPK, and from his years of experience, feels that the problem usually does not lie with LH production, but more towards the egg quality. He told me not to worry as he had many patients with this problem and that his chinese herbal medicine (TCM) will help in my case. He said that it is not possible to treat the pituitary gland so to speak, but he will continue to concentrate on improving egg quality.

My lining has thickened to 18mm which means that I should expect AF within the next few days.

THE GOOD:

"At least you're producing eggs!" His exact words. Whoopee???

The Itch Bitch is gone! Good riddance!

I am super horny again. And I am producing abundant clearish cervical mucous (CM), which is very strange to me during this part of the cycle. I know it couldn't possible be fertile CM since Ms.Monster is way past her fertile peak already. I asked Dr.Never GiveUp about the CM and he explained that a healthy woman typically produces 2 types of clear CM: estrogen mucous around ovulation, and progesterone mucous a few days before her period. Her sex drive will also peak around these times. Well, no wonder I'm so horny! He asked me if I my sex drive increased during these times. Since I am producing the progesterone mucous now, he would know that I was horny! I was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I told him it did, where previously I did not have this pre AF symptom. This means that my body is actually improving with all these subtle signs. Good to know that something is working!

Rotten Eggs and Itches

2010-09-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't got anything to report but bad news.

First up, Ms.RJ1 has been nothing but a bad, stubborn egg. Four days after my last scan, my next scan on the following Monday showed that it had grown to about 17mm-Prime for ovulation! In the scan, Ms.RJ1 looked a little blurry, which indicated that it may just be ovulating or was about to. So it was sex, sex, sex after that.

On Tuesday, I decided to POAS and the OPK showed that it was almost positive, with the second line almost as dark as the control line. On Wednesday, I peed on another OPK, and the second line had gone lighter. Cool, I thought. It meant that I probably did ovulate on Monday, and my OPKs were showing that my LH surge had peaked and was already declining. So far so good.

Four days later on Friday, MsRJ1 was STILL there!

WTF! @£$*&%!!! She had swelled to about 25mm! And she had refused to leave the nest! My temperature had not risen either. After discussing it with Dr.NeverGiveUp, his conclusions were:

My LH surge is still not strong enough to trigger the ovulation (bad news)
I am at least producing eggs much earlier now (good news)
If my follicle isn't released, it might turn into a cyst (bad news)
I had only been on Royal Jelly 1 month (with a week's break in Borobudur) , which wasn't long enough to be significantly effective. He tells me that many of his patients fall pregnant on the 2nd month after starting Royal Jelly
Ms.RJ1 was not a very good quality egg overall (bad news)

He said that since the follicle was still there, it might still ovulate, and we could still continue to try. Problem was, I had developed an effing yeast infection by then and there was no way we could try!

THIS WHOLE CYCLE IS A BUST!

So now I'm miserable about Ms.RJ1, and about that Itch Bitch! I'm attacking Itch Bitch with the Canesten 1-day pessary, and it's making me bleed a little again. I know this happens to other women, and this is the second time for me even with a 14 month-span in between attacks. This cannot be a coincidence! I am pissed that they still haven't inserted that as a side-effect on it's packaging.

I am going back this Friday for another scan. We will know what's happened to stubborn Ms.RJ1 by then. It feels really weird not being able to "try"this cycle. It feels even weirder not having the chance to mope and torture myself over the 2WW symptoms!

I think I'll go abuse my body with some caffeine and evil non-fertility friendly food now.... :-(
At least that might cheer me up a bit...

PS- Dr.NeverGiveUp had a breakthrough patient last week. A 45 year old patient had just conceived naturally under his TCM programme. She had been infertile for 12 years and had 2 failed IVFs prior to that. She's the oldest patient he ever had. I am 39 now. I still have hope! I might look like my child's grandmother by the time I have him/her, but hey, who cares!!!

Ms. RJ1

2010-09-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

It looks like eating all that snotty looking bee-spit@royal jelly might be doing my eggs some good after all! I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp says I have 1 follicle growing on my left ovary!

Its about 14mm big, and looks round and distinct. I am calling her Ms.RJ1 (Royal Jelly One).

He was very excited, saying it was a beauuuuutiful egg. He has not seen me having one this beautiful since I've come to see him. He even called Dr.Don'tWorry in to have a look. She was all smiles. "It's wonderful!" she tells me. They both looked really very pleased!

I think they like marveling at what royal jelly has been doing for their patients. Dr.NeverGiveUp assured me that the combination of his chinese herbal medicine and royal jelly is very, very effective.

I am so happy! I am glad that all that gagging, nose-pinching, gargantuan effort to swallow this foul, expensive bee-spit twice daily is finally paying off! I don't know if the egg will develop any further but so far, this is a good sign, considering it's CD17, which is a reasonable track record for me.

A follicle can grow up to 2mm a day and it's usually primed to be released when it's about 18mm. So we are having timed intercourse on Sunday night, and going in to have another scan of the follicle on Monday, CD20. I don't expect a BFP so soon, but hopefully, I'm on the road to super fertility!

Return of Butt Pain

2010-09-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Things have not been going too well for me health-wise.

I have coughing fits now. And my voice has not returned completely. I am still averaging 4 hours sleep per night.

And my ass is throbbing like a nuclear reactor again! This endo ass pain has not made an appearance in months but it's back. And it has gone on for 2 days now. I even felt some pain radiating through my ovaries. Sometimes I think I've conquered endo because I've had blissful months with little or no pain. But it always seems to find its way back. I guess an endo girl will always be an endo girl... :-(

I also went for a u/s scan today. Dr.NeverGiveUp was eager to get me scanned on CD13 incase the royal jelly has been working miracles on my body and causing me to ovulate early. Well, no follicles in sight. No surprise there.

It's been a sucky week!

Speechless

2010-09-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Some kind of bug's been bothering Zengirl because she has:

misplaced her voice. Laryngitis they say.
had mild fever for 2 days
been coughing phlegm
exhausted but can't sleep much
had 19 hours sleep in 5 days = 3.8 hrs sleep per day average
not had any appetite even though she's hungry
lost 5 lbs

At least I don't have to obsess about these being 2WW symptoms because it's only CD10... The weight loss is pretty cool though!

My Achy Breaky Ute

2010-09-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

The last 2 days have not been fun for me.

After a wonderful break from endo pain last month, some achiness returned this AF on CD3. It wasn't excruciatingly painful, thank goodness - just a persistent annoying ache. But what made it worse was that gastritis turned this achey party into a double whammy. It has always been a mystery to me why the two always go hand in hand. It's as if the pain can't exist alone without his friend, gastritis. The period pain is gone now but the pain in the stomach still lingers. Recovery from gastritis always takes the longest for me, usually sticking around for 2-3 days after the period pain is long gone. It just plain sucks!

It also sucks that Dr.NeverGiveUp has asked me to increase my dosage of bee spit (royal jelly). I should finish one bottle within a week, but it has taken me two weeks. So I am now taking a heaped teaspoon of it, twice a day. I'm getting pretty efficient at the whole horrific process of downing this disgusting stuff: Prepare menthol lozenges, and large cup of water. Pinch nose, hold, shove bee spit in mouth, concentrate hard on swallowing, gulp down water, pop lozenge in mouth. Release nose after menthol fumes have totally engulfed entire ENT system. It's a routine now. One time hubs saw me walking around pinching my nose.

"Oh! Royal Jelly huh?"

No explanation needed.

Anyway, when I had my appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp, I told him that AF had showed up. His reply?

"Good!"

I was taken aback my his cheerful reaction.

"Why is that a good thing?" I asked.

He said that it was good that my period had come on its own- it showed that I did have eggs, although they weren't good quality. I reminded him that my FSH was very low during my last blood work and that already indicated that I have a good reserve of eggs. He seemed very pleased about that.

Anyway, Dr.NeverGiveUp believes so much in bee spit that he's asked me to come in for a u/s scan on CD13, incase I ovulate early, even though I typically ovulate very, very late or not at all! He seems to think that this stuff is so potent that it will lure my eggs out early. Well, we shall see about that!

Aunt Flo Showed Up

2010-09-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's CD 1.

My "perfect" lining makes an exit.

Another cycle bites the dust.

Back From Java

2010-08-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks!

I'm back from my trip to Central Java. It was a spectacular but equally exhausting trip. My sight-seeing trips are hardly relaxing vacations - waking up at pre-dawn and out the door on our bicycles by 6a.m. to catch the sights in early morning light is not what I'd call "relaxing". But we had a great time!

[Sillhouette of the Prambanan Temples]

[Temples of Prambanan]

[Dieng Plateau]

[Boiling cauldron of mud steaming up from Sikidang Volcanic Crater]

[Borobudur Temple in the Mist]

[Borobudur Temple at Sunset]

And of course something had to give - all our scheduled baby-making, BBT charting and ovulation monitoring went out the window! I didn't even pee on a single stick, so all my OPKs chalked up quite a lot of frequent flyer miles for this round-trip!

I had an appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp the day after we got back and he pretty much confirmed my suspicions that this cycle was a bust. The u/s scan didn't show any ovulation-ready follicles and my lining had already thicken to 16mm. My BBT had not risen and was still low which indicated that my progesterone levels were insufficient, and that ovulation likely did not happen. So I'm pretty sure there won't be a Borobudur Baby.

But Dr.NeverGiveUp was so pleased with my lining. He spoke as if he was looking at fine art and kept saying with awe that it was the most beautiful he had ever seen (in my history). He pointed at some curvy white bit on the monitor and said that the lining was thick and very distinctive-"perfect". Well, it's a relief that at least my body got something right!

During our consultation, Dr.NeverGiveUp again shared one of his success stories - apparently one of his patients found out the day before that she was pregnant. She was 40 yrs old and infertile for 7 years. She had conceived on the 4th month under his treatment and on the same month that she started taking royal jelly. He was trying to reassure me that I need not worry and that I just had to be patient because I can still conceive at my age. I mean, good for all these women, but - When is it EVER gonna be my turn? Sigh!

So now I'm back on royal jelly@bee spit. You don't know how much I deplore taking this stuff. I'm still trying to perfect my technique of swallowing this snot-like jelly without ever tasting or smelling it. The other day I squeezed my nose shut with my fingers and put it in my mouth. The texture is so gross it took me quite a few seconds to convince my throat to swallow it. Then I tried to mask it by drinking some water and then eating some sweet pastry stuff, all while pinching my nose. Gawd! Do you know how hard it is to eat something without being able to exhale or breathe? I still had my nose pinched tight, and it took an immense amount of coordination to eat like that because crumbs were flying out of my mouth as I exhaled through it. LOL! Thinking that it was all clear, I released my nose and the lingering waft of bee-spit still made me gag straight away. The kitchen sink was 2 feet away and it took all the effort I had not to hurl into it. Conclusion about sweet pastry experiment: Gargantuan FAIL! The next time I battled bee spit again, I tried the same technique but ate Halls medicated cough drops instead. The pungent menthol fumes seem to help a lot, and this is by far the best masking agent. So this takes the horror a bit out of my bee-spit saga! And to think, Dr.NeverGiveUp actually said that he eventually learned to like the taste of it (he's taking it for anti-aging/cancer reasons). "It tastes quite nice!" he says. He also suggested freezing it so you can take it like ice-cream! Like freezing poop into popsicles actually make poop taste good!

So anyway, it's CD35 now, my ute's feeling a little tender and Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my period will probably happen within a week. Sadly, it looks like there won't be any BFP this cycle. At least the sex was good!

A Quickie

2010-08-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Hubs and I are going off to explore the ruins of Java, namely Borobudur and Prambanan! Our flight leaves on Friday morning. Woohoo!

Ovulation seems to be as elusive as ever but I am bringing a healthy supply of OPKs to pee on!

I spent a good 15 minutes dispensing and prepacking all my TCM herbal pills and fertility supplements for the trip. There are so many pills, I felt like a freakin' pharmacy!

I am not taking Bee Spit (Royal Jelly) along with me. It requires refridgeration and I'm not sure my hotel room has a fridge-since the hotels where we are visiting are pretty no-frills. You can't imagine how happy I am to have an excuse not to take this stuff!

The Bee Spit taste is so strong that it even lingers in the water bottle I drink from to wash it down with. When I took a sip from the bottle later, the horrendous Bee Spit smell almost made me gag straight away. I realized that it wasn't so much the taste, but the afwul aroma it exudes that drills into every cell of your olfactory. And stays there! Since smell is so much a part of the taste experience, I find that if I hold my nose shut and down the Bee Spit in one gulp takes the horror off a little bit. Man! This stuff is potent!

Thanks for all the show of love and support you gals have given me, especially in regards to my latest hormonal findings. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep up with your blogs while I'm away, but I'll catch up when I get back. Hope things are going well for you whichever IF journey you're on and hope to receive some happy news when I return!

Adios!

My Latest Super Fertility Treatment

2010-08-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's a good thing that my hormones are on the road to recovery cos my eggs are still damn messed up. They're still doing the houdini act on me. Two days ago, there were 2 follies - one at 12mm, the second at 13mm. Today, they have disappeared!

WTF?

Dr.NeverGiveUp said that they had dissolved?!??? So the next dominant follicle I have growing now is at 8mm. And it's already CD23. Sigh! It's going to be a looooooooooooooooong road to ovulation, if at all.

Since my eggs are still underperforming, Dr.NeverGiveUp said,

"I think it's time to share with you this new treatment that I have."

My heart skipped a beat! WOW! If you remember, I was super excited when I first heard about it this new mysterious treatment. Finally this miracle cure (at least in my head it is) will be revealed to me! So he goes on and tells me that it's.......................................
.............................................................................. Royal Jelly.

Reaction No.1 :
Royal Jelly? OMG! That's what I have always wanted to try!

Reaction No.2 :
What? That's it? But every woman who's been desperately TTC already know about this!!!

Of course I didn't say all that to him, but that was what I was thinking loudly in my head. On the outside, I was cool as a cucumber and patiently listened to him explain why.

Apparently scientists to date still do not know what exactly it is inside royal jelly that is so good for us. There's all sorts of nutritious stuff inside and is used for all sorts of ailments. Royal jelly is actually a substance secreted by the glands of worker bees, and fed in tremendous amounts to baby bees (larvae) to transform them into super egg-laying machines @ the Queen Bee. This stuff is so amazing that it makes it possible for the queen bee to lay eggs up to a total of 4 times her own weight - per day! WIth this stuff, she also outlives normal bees by almost 7 years.

In Dr.NeverGiveUp's clinical trials, it has proven to be very effective as his patients have produced amazingly beautiful eggs. He says that the effects may start to show up 6-7 weeks into taking royal jelly, though I can experience it's benefits as early as 2-3 weeks into it.

For the purpose of increasing fertility, the normal dosage recommended for health maintenance is not sufficient, so I am to take 1 teaspoon twice a day. What I am taking is frozen fresh royal jelly, the pure stuff which he has sourced directly from the bee farmer. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that there are heaps of royal jelly products available on the market but what he's sourced has proven to be good in quality and effective. This small little bottle costs me $100 and will last me about a week.

As for the taste, I thought it would just be like honey. WRONG! It is possibly the grossest thing I have ever tasted in my life. Worse than all the black, muddy chinese herbal potions I have had to take. First of all, the appearance is so off-putting: it looks like snot! And the taste is so horrendous I can't even describe it. It leaves an awful lingering aftertaste, even after downing it with ice-cream and water. I call this my Bee Spit. So now I'm taking this on top of all my usual TCM pill regime.

Anyway, let's just see what happens. In 2-7 weeks, hubs reckon I may just grow into a big, fat organism as big as a room, immobile and loaded with eggs. Har. Har.

Good Golly Gosh Great Hormones!

2010-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

I got my CD4 blood work back and the results were fantastic!

My FSH level was really good at 5.7.

My estradiol and progesterone levels were on the low end but still within the normal range.

And my testosterone levels have come down! It was previously at 0.86 prior to Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment, but it is at 0.5 now (normal range is 0.14-0.76).

This is truly amazing because there is no treatment in western medicine that can lower women's testosterone!

I finally have conclusive proof that TCM works for balancing hormones in women! And all I took were chinese herbal pills! Which had no side-effects! And it worked within 3 months for me! This is fabulous news for women who are suffering from infertility due to whacky hormones (PCOS comes to mind too).

Unfortunately not all TCM doctors are at the same calibre as Dr.NeverGiveUp for treating infertility, as I have learned from my own experience. My one and a half years with "TCM doc" with twice-weekly electrified prickings (electro-acupuncture), daily torture of drinking herbal sludge and the occasional fire-play over my meridien points (moxibustion) have done little to help me. I knew I needed a better doctor and it was hard looking for a good one. But I think I finally found my dream TCM doctor! I believe I'm finally on the road to fertile wellness!

Anyway, on that same visit, I decided to ask him why I was feeling so hot (I left out the "and horny" part). He checked my pulse and looked at my tongue and said that I was not heaty. I was feeling that way because of my hormones -

"You're young again!"

I couldn't help but laugh at that. I told him that I've been getting zits again. And he says that my hormones are working again. Well he got that right! My sex drive is like through the roof. I told him it's like I'm going through puberty again! He thought that was really funny.

My comatosed libido has finally been CPR-ed back to life and it feels amazing! Age and fervent-but-futile TTC attempts have sucked the fun out of sex. So it's wonderful to have that desire back and to have sex just for the pure fun of it. Unfortunately, I think I am borderline nymphomaniac now! Does having sex 6 times in the last 7 days sound excessive??? Especially when I am not even ovulating yet?

Well, if I haven't been blogging much, you can guess why! ;-)

Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

2010-08-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

Doing The Timon...Again!

2010-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flo's having a party in my ute and she doesn't want to leave. She thinks she just got here. Despite this being CD8!

Clots that made a no-show last period came back with a vengeance! Despite taking clot-busting Fibrovan religiously.

I haven't had ANY pain whatsoever -not even a twitch -all through AF. Despite the clots. (It's a miracle!)

I am feeling so freakin' horny! Despite Aunt Flo chaperoning Ms.Cha Cha 24/7.

So, again...

This Week's Excite-O-Meter

2010-07-31T17:04:00.000-07:00

My trip to see Dr. Don'tGiveUp this week resulted in some pretty interesting "news".

Here's how they rate according to my Excite-o-meter, where 0 = not excited at all, and 10 = is super excited.

>>Ms. Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass remains as stubborn as ever. I was hoping that it would have shrunk itself into oblivion from the Fibrovan I've been taking, but sadly, the u/s scan shows that it has remained unchanged since the last 10mm shrinkage. I haz a very sad.

Excite-o-meter Level: minus 347

>>Again, Dr.Don'tGive Up reports to me that another patient of his has just gotten pregnant (who happens to be the patient in line before me. Gawdamnit! Read about the other pregnant woman in line before me . If you wanna get pregnant, forget IVF, forget TCM! Just be the one in line before me-Pregnancy guaranteed!). Anyway, she's obese, has one son already but was infertile for 3 years trying for her second child. It only took her one month to conceive under his care. (Ugh! You call that infertile?) I was totally not excited about any of this-except for the fact that he has classified her as another unusual case. He didn't say what her diagnosis was but he showed me her BBT chart, which was all over the place! There were dips and spikes in all the wrong places, and surprisingly, her temp got lower and lower. There was absolutely no sign of any pregnant triphasic pattern, or biphasic pattern either. In fact her temp has plunged to 36.0˚F. Dr.Don'tGiveUp stared at her chart silently, in awe and confusion. He said her chart showed that she couldn't possibly be pregnant with her temps, but her u/s scan and urine test proved she was. He thinks that there may be a fault in her temperature taking, but he wanted to show me that women still get pregnant despite the unlikeliness of the situation. He told me not to worry. Women do get pregnant against the odds. So I got a teeny weeny bit excited about it.
Excite-o-meter Level: 0.5

>>I learned about the dangers about ultrasound scan. Since my MIL seems to be very concerned about me having u/s scans every week, I asked if sound waves could damage my eggs. I also asked if there was any harm to a foetus or embryo especially at an early stage. He replied that a transvaginal scan (the all-seeing phallic sonic probe which they stick up your cha-cha) could pose a danger because it is very near the gestational sac - which is only a couple of inches away from the source of the sound waves. And he wouldn't recommend it during the very early stages of pregnancy. Besides he doesn't want any early-pregnant woman having something stuck up her va-jay-jay or even having sex (up till at least 28DPO, if I can remember correctly from a previous conversation). He added that most doctors wouldn't bother to study about the effects of ultrasound scanning but he spent $20,000 on a course to learn about it in detail, and understands it well. He said that yes, theoretically, ultrasound can be harmful because vibrations can cause damage to a very young gestational sac, but it cannot be clinically proven because nobody would want to mess around with a human life just to prove it. It's also very, very hard to prove. The harm may also be very small-therefore considered negligible, depending on who's looking at the data. As for u/s scanning the eggs on a full bladder, the sound waves are traveling through more layers of tissue and water and so it's not that harmful by the time it gets to the eggs. If you're paranoid like me, avoid the cha-cha wand during very early pregnancy! After spending thousands of dollars and millions of tears, paranoia is acceptable.
Excite-o-meter Level: 5

>>I found out that Dr.Don'tGiveUp is a Christian. We told him that we'd made plans to visit the ancient ruins of Borobudur in Indonesia in August and he told us that he had been there. 30 years ago, he spent one month in Indonesia traveling across the islands of Java and Bali doing mission work with his church. Normally a doctor's spiritual orientation wouldn't matter to me, but I find it very comforting to know that my doctor and I are on a common spiritual path. After all, I believe that god answered my prayers when I asked for a doctor who combines Eastern and Western medicine, as I found him the very next day! I would like to think that god is working through him to answer my prayers (hopefully!) And knowing that he believes in the same god I do feels reassuring.

Excite-o-meter Level: 7

>>I was very excited about getting my blood tested again after being 3 months on his meds. I really want to see what my FSH is doing, along with my other hormones. Dr.Don'tGiveUp and I were talking about possible ovarian failure due to me not ovulating some months and the poor quality of my eggs. I was spotting a lot prior to AF this past cycle which indicated poor progesterone levels, resulting in a poor, weak lining. This is also another indication of poor quality eggs. But he doesn't want to jump to any conclusions just yet and will wait for the blood test to see. Even though my FSH was bafflingly low 3 months ago, my prognosis could be worse now, with possible POF (premature ovarian failure) in the cards. But I am eager to confront it and face it head on! I can't wait to get the results back!

Excite-o-meter Level: 8

>>And BTW, he's got needle skillz! He knows his veins! I've been traumatized by incompetent doctors who think that taking blood is a bloody treasure hunt. They've pricked me all over to find blood, even behind my knuckles! Maybe fun for them, but not so for me! Dr.Don'tGiveUp hit the jackpot at first prick! He's done this twice now, perfectly. I never have to worry about giving him blood anymore!

Excite-o-meter Level: 8.5

>>Knowing that I was getting kinda worried about adding POF to an already long list of fertility problems that would circle the globe twice, he told me not to worry. He said that he has invented a new treatment! I was thinking, "Wow! Who invents new treatments for fertility? Nobody has invented anything new for infertility in years!" So I flooded him with questions about it but he wouldn't tell me much. Dang! All I managed to squeeze from him was that, he was testing it now with some of his patients and it has proven to be effective so far--but he wanted to observe it a bit longer; it involves a few more steps (I'm dying to know what), it would cost a bit more (Oh! What the hell!); it wouldn't require me coming to the clinic more often (Yay!), and that he would introduce it to me in about two weeks' time. OMG! OMG! OMG! I am sooooo super duper excited! Can I please, please, please try it ASAP??!!!! I'll be your guinea pig! My sorry state of a ~~reproductive~~ non-productive system needs ALL the help it can get!

Excite-o-meter Level: 1,000,000,000!!!

My excite-o-meter has gone through the roof with the last one!

ROTFL

2010-07-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

It's CD2 and I am in NO PAIN!

What? Did these words just come out of a "Premium" Endo Sufferer?

Yup! They did. Totally UNBELIEVABLE, but I'm doing a little jig and am having a great CD2!

My celebration is probably a little bit premature though, seeing as I'm hardly bleeding! Does this even count as a period since my ute didn't even behave like a normal one this past month? After all, my eggs did do a Houdini on me! Oh my gawd! Am I in menopause?

But despite the fact that everything that can go wrong in a cycle did go wrong with me, I've been unusually happy (ok-this can't be menopause). This past few weeks, it feels like an invisible rock's been lifted off my shoulders, and I would take delight in the silliest little things:

Just the other night, I was looking at a few Tintin comic books that hubs just bought (he collects them) and decided that the dog Snowy was my favorite character. Who wouldn't find a talking, opinionated, smart-ass dog whom nobody can hear, adorable? Then I started telling hubs about a dog I had, as a child, that was named Snowy too. The conversation went like this,

"Did you know that I had a white dog named Snowy? ...And a brown dog named Browny? ...And a black dog named Blackie? ...And a cat named Kitty?....."

...Followed by uncontrollable fits of deep, belly-shaking, lung-ripping, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe laughter! It had just dawned on me that my mother had the most uncreative names for our pets. And I just found that absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard! I mean, okay, it's funny, but on a normal day, I probably wouldn't find it that funny!

(Just for the record, I also had a dog named Brandy and a dog named Whiskey! All mom's doing! Hubs family does a lot better in the naming department. When we were married, I inherited their black dog which hubs originally wanted to name Carbon! OMG! ROTFL!!! But he thought, wait, what a dumb-ass name for a dog, so they chose Diamond~another form of carbon. Now, that is cool! But then again, they did name their sausage dog (dachshund) Flappy-because its ears would flap when she came running! And just for the record, again, I too had a sausage dog named Jessie, and a second sausage dog named Jessie 2 and a third sausage dog named Jessie the Third! My mom's a creative genius with names!!! )

And just last week, hubs and I went to watch Predators because Inception was all sold out, and during one of the goriest scenes, I laughed out so loud because it seemed fascinatingly, ridiculously funny. It was odd because I suddenly realized nobody else was laughing!

Anyway, the point is, I've been laughing a lot! Could this be a hormonal thing, disastrous as mine is?

Totally Thrown Off-Guard

2010-07-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

Woke up today - still sleepy.

BBT is low - same old story.

Not ovulating - same old crap.

Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.

Evening TP wipe - blood.

Blood????

WTF???????

CD1 already?

Not even a chance to ovulate?

A #@*&!$ non-ovulatory cycle.

My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.

Oh well...!

SNAFU!

Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!

(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

Sucky Scan

2010-07-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

It's CD 32. My ultrasound scan today revealed no eggs.

WHAT? (See my avatar-My eyes popped out like that!)

Could I have ovulated?

NOPE.

My BBT hasn't risen.

And 4 days ago the eggs were still very, very tiny. Could they have grown in leaps and bounds and ovulated
all within 4 days?

HIGHLY UNLIKELY. (In other words, FAT CHANCE!)

And I thought I might see a fat ripe follicle growing today too. Ppphhhhffft!

Dr.NeverGiveUp says they may have dissolved due to lack of hormonal stimulation. Or something like that.

He's changing my herbal formula to boost my hormones.

And what was that tiny cramping 2 days ago that resulted in some spotting hours later?

He tells me it could be ovulation pain.

HUH?

But I thought I couldn't have ovulated? Is he trying to be optimistic here?

And he tells me that the cyst last month has disappeared!

WHAT CYST?

He never told me that I had one.

Could some aliens have abducted all my eggs? And cyst too? That would be a convenient explanation. It would be nice to know for once that it wasn't my fault my eggs disappeared.

SO NOW I AM ALL CONFUSED.

And Dr.NeverGiveUp wants us to continue boinking like I might just have ovulated. I'm feeling so emotionally dejected now, but I've still got to get the sexy game going tonight. Doctor's orders!

Aaaarrrrgghhhhhh!

(Note to self: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happy Girl =Happy Hormones.
Think Zen.
Feel Zen.
Be Zen.
My name is not RagingLunaticUpsetMadGirl..
I am Zengirl...)

Mini IVF

2010-07-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of the Mini-IVF?

I've never heard of it myself until I stumbled upon it recently while doing what desperate-infertile-women-seeking-fertility-miracles do on the internet.

If you've had to defer IVF because of money problems or you don't like drugs and injections much, you might wanna check out this procedure that was developed a few years ago in Japan. From what I understand, it does have quite a few advantages over regular IVF:

costs a lot less because less drugs are used
drugs are taken orally with no or minimal injections
no risk of ovarian hyperstimulation
older women or women with high FSH can be accepted for treatment
there is no waiting time between cycles if Mini-IVF fails because the body does not require a rest period due to fewer drugs and lower dosages used
fewer cancelled IVFs due to insufficient production of eggs because the Mini-IVF does not depend on high number of eggs

What I find interesting is that the goal of Mini-IVF is to produce fewer but "better quality" eggs. With regular IVF, the goal is to make the woman produce tons of eggs in hoping that a few out of the lot is usable. But here's the important bit that women need to know:

women (particularly those above age 35) do not produce more than 2 good eggs in any cycle no matter what drugs were used or how much
generally, the best egg from any cycle comes from the largest follicle, regardless of what drugs were used or how much

From this, I deduce that pumping a woman with a ton of bank-breaking drugs and forcing loads of eggs out of one cycle is really quite pointless - especially if you're running out of eggs - because only a couple of those are your best candidates for pregnancy anyway. Doctors against Mini-IVF argue that because only one egg is used, then all your $$$ is gone if pregnancy fails to happen, whereas with IVF - though the initial outlay of money is so much higher - at least you have more eggs to work with and you can still use the eggs leftover from that stim cycle later on. The point for consideration is: are any of those leftover eggs any good? If not, IVF actually wipes out more of your money if it all fails.

The reported success rate for Mini-IVF however is not as good as IVF though. But it seems that this is because of the parameters used - Mini-IVF only transfers one fertilized embryo at a time while IVF transfers multiple embryos at a time, which skew the results a bit. This procedure is also relatively new and there is insufficient data at the moment.

Basically, the main consideration for Mini-IVF is the cost saving for women. The toughest question women will have to answer for themselves is what the odds of success are vs money spent on each of the procedures. And how many attempts they can afford before successive failed Mini-IVFs negate their cost savings.

Before you jump up and down with excitement, know that very few clinics are willing to provide this procedure. And some clinics may already being using a similar Mini-IVF protocol but don't call it that.

For more info on this topic, you can read about it here (scroll halfway), here and here. For professional opinions on this procedure look here.

Although I am not a good candidate for IVF and am focusing on TCM right now instead to help me get pregnant, I always like to know what my options are. Mini-IVF is not for me, at least not right now, but I hope some of you might find this info useful. I know quite a few women who had to give up IVF because they can't afford it. And it breaks my heart that money might be the only thing coming between them and their dream baby. So maybe there is an option here for them.

----

Before I go, I want to share with you a funny dream I had recently.

I dreamt that I was pursued by 3 men for the purpose of reproduction:

1) The first guy decided to go for a swim in the ocean and unfortunately, dived off a rock all wrong, and landed splat!... Flat in the water and destroyed any reproductive potential he had in his man parts! So moving on to candidate two...

2) I found out that it was Richard Gere who had the hots for me and was sitting at a cafe waiting for me. I happened to be walking around completely naked which strangely, nobody seemed to be making a fuss of. But then before anything happened, candidate no.3 interrupted the scene...

3) He came out of nowhere and grabbed my completely naked body from behind with his hands. While he tried to drag me off and subdue a frantic me, I was wondering why he wasn't even having an erection from my nakedness. (Yes, it's a good time to be having such thoughts while being kidnapped!) I mean, we were body to body and my butt was right up his crotch while he was holding me! I managed to free myself and ran for my life. He came after me. I lost him after a while and I ended up in a hotel room. I locked the door and waited, thinking I had lost him. But then after a few moments, he found me. I saw his shadow lurking underneath, outside my door. I panicked! He was going to barge down my door! Moments passed, yet nothing happened. Suddenly, a piece of paper was slipped under my door. And he left. I picked up the paper. On it, he said that he would like to make a baby with me. And if I agreed, he would pay me

$201,000,000,000!

Yeah right! If only I could!!!!

Sales and Sex

2010-07-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hi there!

Zengirl's back. Anyone miss me? Haha! I don't think so.

I cannot believe that it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. Time flies when you've been shopping!

You heard right folks! I've been on retail therapy. We went to Singapore for some R&R which turned out to be a serious shopping marathon. Has anyone told you that the country is just one huge giant shopping mall? Everything you need from ATMs to restaurants to nail salons are all reachable by foot in a giant network of malls and interconnecting walkways. It seems that every subway train you take exits into a mall. And each mall is connected to another mall via some underground air-conditioned walkway. You can literally spend all of your time inside buildings during your entire stay there, not breathe the outside air, or see the sky. You would never know if there was a hurricane outside or if there was an alien invasion. You never have to step outdoors! Ever!

One day, you might surface outside, a little dazed, exhausted, with lots of shopping bags in your hands and random thoughts like "Wow! I finally got out!" and "Ahhh! So this is real air...." and "So, this is what the outside looks like!" swim around your head while you try and re-orientate yourself. And because it's the "Great Singapore Sale", an actual event that hits the island country like it's a religious event, you're wondering if you could possibly be missing out on more shops with orgasmic sales. And with that thought, you're ready to go back into the labyrinth of malls with your last extended credit on your plastic.

And I did. And I shopped till I dropped! Some of the sales were indeed fantastic! I got a few dresses and skirts for 75% off and 2 pairs of jeans for 50% off. I even bought some hiking shoes! Right! Like I'm going hiking anytime soon!!!

And when I got home, somehow the shopping fever stuck. The summer sales have just begun here and I picked up some more stuff! My favorite purchase over the weekend was a green handbag which I spotted last minute on the way to the cashier when the store was closing! And it's not over! Just a few hours ago, I bought a huge black leather hobo bag online that I can carry my entire life in! I swear--I am not high maintenance! Not usually!

I haven't splurged on myself like this for yonks! And it feels damn good! I have been theraparized!

On the IF front, things haven't been very exiting. In fact it has been darn slow and dull.

It's CD28 and I still haven't ovulated. It's going to be one of them long drawn-out cycles. Today, Dr.Don'tWorry could only see 4 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right. They're all very small still but one is emerging to be a dominant one on the left. My doctors don't seem to want to acknowledge that I have long cycles because they've been ordering us to boink like we were ovulating everyday, since CD11, whether there are eggs or not! I haven't had so much sex in months! And it's not like we can get out of it because we are expected to report back to them whether we followed their boinking schedule or not (which they chart in their records)! I suppose we could miss out on some scheduled nights, but I didn't want them to think that we're not doing all we can to get pregnant! Since we're supposed to be so desperate! And we left the clinic today with more "homework"-Last night we had sex, and we're to do it again tonight and Thursday.

And that's how it is with this TCM clinic. I eat their herbal pills, take my BBT and have sex:

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex x 10,000,000,000,000,000!

And Dr.NeverGiveUp has been trying to convince me that this method works. During my last visit, he made it a point to tell me that the patient who went in just before me was already pregnant-Aged 39 like me, after 2 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. (No wonder she was all smiles and had a spring to her walk when she came out). And he also said another patient also just found out she was pregnant after 8 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 5 years. Thanks doc. Just rub it in!

And today, he did the same thing. As soon as I sat down, he broke out the "good" news that a patient got pregnant after 4 months in the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. Frustrated, I said to him, "Perhaps it was easier for her because she doesn't have the kinds of problems I have." I half expected him to agree with me but he did not. He replied that when it comes to infertility, it is very hard to say... How big our problems are do not always correlate with the length of time it takes to get pregnant. Some women with very simple problems could take a very long time to get pregnant, yet those with complex problems sometimes get pregnant within a matter of a few months!

Well, I am relieved to hear that. We infertiles wrack our brains and tear our hair out month after month wondering why we're not getting pregnant, even after doing everything right. But the truth is, even doctors don't really know everything. So, never let any doctor give you an ultimatum or stop you from thinking that you can get pregnant. They are not in the position to do so because simply - they just don't know every darn thing and intricate process that's going on inside your body! There may be obstacles, but doctors do not have absolute control of the fate of your fertility. Even though things may look bleak or tough, the miracle of pregnancy can still happen. Don't let anybody tell you or decide for you that you can't .

Girls, Never, Never Give Up!

The Red Pill

2010-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

Neo took one (think Matrix). And it changed his life.

I'm taking one too. (Actually, bottles of it). And I'm hoping it's going to change my life.

So what's my mysterious Red Pill about?

This is my secret battle against Ms.Nasty and all the menacing adhesions growing in my ute.

This is Fibrovan...

The endo busting, fibroid killing enzyme packed in a red capsule.

Taken in doses of 2 capsules, twice daily.

A lot of health care professionals will probably tell me that I'm an idiot and NUTS for trying this and that I should stay away from it because:

1) I found it on the internet! We all know the internet is full of scams!

2) It is not endorsed by any doctor

3) It is not FDA approved, though it claims to have been manufactured following FDA guidelines

4) The principle on how it works in human bodies is probably all bullshit because it has not been proven scientifically

But an idiot I'll have to be because Dr.NeverGiveUp really left me in a lurch when he said that he wouldn't recommend surgery nor would he treat me for endo, adeno or fibroids.

My reaction: (in a silent scream...) What?

But he's suppose to be my fertility knight in shining armour!

Instead, he told me that my problem was quite deeply and extensively rooted inside my ute and was impossible to fix with surgery. In fact it could cause even more damage. He also explained that he would not treat it with chinese medicine because he feels that it's very difficult and slow with TCM. I can't afford the time, he says. He sure doesn't beat around the bush! And you know how I feel about western drugs like Lupron. So, No medicine. No surgery.

I am left to deal with endo, adeno and Ms.Nasty on my own.

Armed with a mouse, a computer and immense desperation, I went into cyberspace to look for answers. And here's what I discovered:

The number of women suffering from endo or fibroids is staggering. 15% or 110 million women worldwide will suffer from endo, and up to 40% (some even say 80%) of women will experience at least one fibroid by the time they reach menopause
Many like me, are opting out of surgery and western drugs because they are too invasive, or have failed to help
There are claims that some have the knowledge to shrink fibroids the natural way but they want you to pay them if you want to know
There are medicinal products that claim they can shrink fibroids and endo

In the end Fibrovan looked like the most effective and "transparent" product on the market. The sheer number of women who claimed that it had made a tremendous difference in their lives was impressive. And I'm not talking about the testimonials of women on the product website who sad they were pain-free, or that their fibroids had disappeared or who finally managed to have their babies. These could all be hyped-up lies cooked up by the website. I went in search of ordinary women to see what they were saying in the forums, their blogs, women's health websites, twitter etc about their experiences. I found one or two who said they experienced no effect whatsoever and that it was a waste of money. But there were overwhelmingly more women who had positive experiences with it. And I have not heard of a single complaint about bad side-effects.

I decided to give it a try. I'm telling myself: If it fails, I would lose a few hundred bucks. So what? for years, I've already been spending a crazy fortune on health supplements for fertility. But if it works.... Wow! Considering the physical pain and infertility I am living with due to these diseases, it could be life-changing!

And how does this red capsule unleash its power? It's most active ingredient is an enzyme called Nattokinase derived from fermented soybeans called Natto, a common Japanese food and it was "discovered at the University of Chicago Medical School that safely and quickly disolves unhealthy clots and fibrin deposits in fibroids and endometriosis." Then, your immune system will "excrete it as waste in the urine."

I concluded that this is essentially like "enzyme therapy". Nattokinase is also being used by people with blood clots who are at risk of having heart attacks and strokes. These patients have also stunned their doctors when blood clots up to a foot long have disappeared. But here's the main controversy I found in my research:

I have read that lab tests have shown that it dissolves fibrin, but doctors are having a fiery debate whether it can be assimilated into our bodies without our digestive system destroying its properties, hence rendering it useless. Therefore, many doctors giving enzyme therapy usually inject enzymes directly into the bloodstream. However, many people who have taken nattokinase orally have reported experiencing its benefits and believe it works. So who's right? I don't know. But I'm convinced that I will never ever come close to experiencing the relief and life-changing benefits that some women have experienced with Fibrovan if I never try.

I started Fibrovan right away when I got the package in the mail. I began with 2 capsules, twice a day in May, which I will call Phase 1. And here's my experience:

Phase 1 (24 days):

- Had no bad side-effects

- Since I wasn't in pain to begin with, I didn't notice anything different.

- Ms.Nasty measured 48mm

Break: Stopped Fibrovan when I was ovulating because the safety of this product for pregnancy has not been tested.

Phase 2 (16 days to date and counting):

- Resumed Fibrovan when AF arrived after an 11-day break

- On Day 1 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty still measured no change on u/s scan.

- AF pain had not decreased

- AF flow not as heavy as before

- Surprisingly no clots during AF

- Rectum pain (on CD10) lasted shorter than usual

- On Day 11 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty has shrunk by10mm and measured 38mm!

- First sex after AF not as painful as usual

- Had no bad side-effects

In short, Fibrovan hasn't done much for my pain so far. But Ms.Nasty has shrunk! Is this the work of Fibrovan? I really don't know. It's probably too soon to tell. But am I gonna keep taking it? Hell yeah! Will I tell Dr.NeverGiveUp I'm taking it? Hell no! At least not until Ms.Nasty's shrunk significantly.

Fibrovan is being marketed for fibroids. If you want to know more about this product, you can go here. This company also makes another product marketed for endometriosis which is essentially the same product with added Vitex (Chasteberry), a natural herb to help regulate your hormones. Since Dr.NeverGiveUp is already giving me TCM herbs for my hormones, I didn't want to interfere with it by taking vitex. So I chose Fibrovan instead to try. I will continue to share my findings here. The company claims that these products can be taken for prevention once these diseases are under control. It's not a cure because the root problem of what causes these diseases is still not addressed. But it will keep dissolving the growth of endo and fibroids before they become too big of a problem.

And just for the record, I am not associated in anyway with the company that makes this product, have not been paid by anybody to write about these products or am I endorsing the product. I am just sharing my personal opinions and experience with you because I am sure a lot of women out there would like to know if this product is a scam. Because it sounds too damn good to be true!

Quietly, desperately, I am hoping that this is the solution I asked god for.

Is Ms.Nasty Turning Over A New Leaf?

2010-07-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ms.Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass gave me a shock today! She measured in at 38mm during my ultrasound scan! That folks, is shockingly good news because she's... Wait for it...

10mm SMALLER! (Gasp! Gasp!)

She has shrunk!

A week ago during my period, she was still the same size, as she always is at all my u/s scans-A big fat 48mm!

Dr.NeverGiveUp doesn't know what's going on. But I think I do. (More later).

"Can the fluctuations in hormones during a menstrual cycle cause the size to change?" I asked.

"No. Fibroids do not change like that."

I knew from his expression that he was puzzled, but he kept quiet. And didn't want to offer any explanations. He wasn't treating me for Ms.Nasty but I have been secretly battling Ms.Nasty on my own. And I am hoping that Ms.Nasty's retreat is the result of that, and not a fluke.

I was so astonished and happy after the u/s scan that I forgot to ask for a picture of it. But Ms.Nasty actually looked smaller. She's flatter and not so round. Oh please, please, puhleeeze let this be a permanent change!

She may have behaved like a saint today, but yesterday, she was one nasty devil, being a real pain in my ass. Literally. Just like clockwork, "Ass-throb Day" turned up on CD10 and attacked me out of nowhere! My rectum felt like it had been impaled by a knife. It was like a major serious period cramp in the wrong place--Up my butt! It was so bad, I had to get off my computer and lie down. If you had a period cramp you could put a heating pad, or massage your tummy, but how do you do that when the pain's inside your ass? I had never had it so bad before and I was seriously contemplating taking a painkiller for it. But I stuck it out. The most intense pain lasted for 20-30 minutes. And then it lingered for a total of 3-4 hours before it vanished! Thank god it did, because if Ms.Nasty's being particularly mean, she can make it last for days.

For a long time I never knew what caused the pain, but after seeing the u/s scan of Ms.Nasty leaning right next to my rectum, I knew she had something to do with it. And for some strange reason, she likes to wreak havoc on CD10. Surprisingly, she went away as quickly as she came. And today, she's even made herself smaller!

Today, I also managed to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp my burning question of the week:

Can sex induce a period? The answer is "Yes!"

For that reason, he advices that women trying to conceive should stay away from sex during the last 3-4 days before their period. So I was panicking for no reason when AF came on 11DPO after sex. Rest assured girls-these things do happen! And talking about sex, he has already scheduled when we should be having sex next-today (Friday), Monday and Wednesday! It's very weird having another man tell me when to have sex!

My next post-I'll let you in on the secret stuff I've been doing behind Dr.NeverGiveU's back and why I think Ms.Nasty has calmed down a notch. Stay tuned.

My Worst Buy-EVER!

2010-06-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever bought anything on sale, like a top or skirt, taken it home, and then cursed yourself insane for spending your money on the most horrendous thing you had ever laid your eyes on?

Well, I did that recently - not on clothes, but on a "fluff" novel that had a 20% discount. Having had a taste of romantic novels recently and liked it, I decided to venture out into Danielle Steel land. She's possibly the most successful romantic novelist of our time. Steel has written like a zillion best sellers and I didn't know where to start. So this book that was displayed at the front of the book store caught my eye-especially its bright 20% discount sticker!

"Beneath the charm, there lurked the dangers of possessive love..." it said. Hmmm, sounds interesting. To sum it up, it's about a woman who falls irresistably in love with a magnetic, charming man and is whisked away to his palatial Irish estate. But then lies, jealousy and secrets begin to surface. Is she paranoid, or is the man she loves hiding something worse?... And with that brief tantalizer, I was sold.

I took it home, and then I stumbled upon a one-paragraph page at the beginning of the book. Steel wrote in her own ominous words, the definition of a sociopath.

Oh! Crap! What have I bought? That doesn't sound like a fluffy love story! It's a forewarning- it's going to be a scary story about a psycho who destroys a woman! I was going to save this for my 2WW but this was way too scary and intense for a time when I'm supposed to be relaxed and happy for my hormones to be in good shape! So I started reading it, to have it out of the way by my next 2WW.

WTF????----

(Warning: Spoiler...)

After a month-long whirlwind romance, the man decides that he wants to make a baby with her. She was 44 years old and she wasn't ready to start a family at her age with a man she hardly knew. He tricks her into visiting a fertility clinic where she winds up doing a full-on fertility work-up. That very visit, they discover that, at age 44 I stress, her eggs were wonderful and that she was ovulating. His SA revealed that he had superb sperm count, at age 46. The doctor immediately recommends artificial insemination there right away (IUI I'm guessing, surely not IVF!) but she declines. They leave the clinic and they find out later that her "FSH levels is as low as a twenty-year-old's and her estrogen level is terrific!"

WTF??? I was so upset at this point. A 44 year-old has great eggs and terrific FSH and estrogen? And the guy's perfect too fertility-wise? Aw, c'mon!

Then, that night, they get drunk on champagne, have wild, passionate sex and forget about using contraception. And you can guess what happens next- Let's say it together now:

SHE GETS PREGNANT!

WTF? WTF? WTF???

She POAS and sees a very faint second line. She looks at it at every angle and keeps seeing two lines! The words "Two Lines" appear 4 bloody times on that page. OK! We get it already!

They set up house and she actively takes part in the restoration of the property, which the man objected to because she was pregnant. She miscarries at 3 months and he blames her-"You killed our baby!....You fucked it all up!... It was a shitty thing to do, to the baby, and to me. You killed a healthy baby..."

WT Bloody F???

And now the miscarriage is her fault, and a murder?

Come ON! I know it's fiction but, really? I got so damned annoyed and angry I stopped reading at that point! I mean, we infertiles all know how ridiculous this whole super-fertile-at-40-something-and-getting-knocked-up-at-first-try saga is!

And I can't believe my luck! Can you imagine-

Out of all the guzillions of books in the store, I had to pick a book out like this one. That had to be about fertility, pregnancy and miscarriage. The very topics that I'd wanted to get away from for just a few of hours of my life. And I paid for this torture too!

This is a book that every infertile she never, ever, EVER have on her list! So be warned, if you're having problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant-Stay away from Danielle Steel's "Matters of The Heart".

Even if they were giving it away for free!

Staying Positive While Popping Pills

2010-06-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

I spent the last few days drowning myself in a million pills that are supposed to help me get through AF. I've been taking:

The top pic shows my usual daily onslaught of TCM meds. The bottom pic shows what I took in addition to it for AF pain and gastritis (which always seem to accompany AF pain without fail). Doesn't the amount look just insane?

There was no pain on CD1 (yay!) but the pain came on CD2 and 3. It wasn't too bad, and I suppose I could have handled the pain without meds since I've suffered a lot worse before, but I copped out. Initially I thought I could rough it out so that I could assess my true condition. Hubs thought it was a good idea too. But uhm...Nope-I didn't feel too much like being a hero. I am just not a fan of pain! Those extra meds were a great friend to me for those two days. The flow was a bit heavy on the 2nd and 3rd day, but at least it wasn't like Niagara Falls. It's now CD5 and it feels like someone has just started to turn off the tap.

So why do I like to document all this and gross you out with all my AF symptoms? Because in TCM, it's recognized as an effective gauge on how well you're doing. If your hormones, energy and blood circulation are good, and there are no uterine abnormalities, you should have a perfect period: one that bleeds bright red straight away, moderate volume, no clots, no pain, and lasts 5-7 days without any spotting before or after. And that's what I am working towards - a healthy, normal functioning reproductive system.

This one's hardly a perfect period, but what I'd like to focus on is the positive stuff-
Hey! My period wasn't any worse than before! Therefore, in my miserable, crappy uterine IF world, that's actually great news! So here's why I got my party whistle out:

There were no clots
The volume was no worse than before
The color looked quite bright and healthy
The pain wasn't too bad nor worse than my previous AF
Ms.Nasty has not grown
I had a lovely bi-phasic BBT chart this past cycle
And I did ovulate on my own even though it took hell of a long time!

It's probably too early to assess if Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment is any good, but I didn't get worse. That's something to celebrate huh?

(For some strange reason, I've been craving margaritas and cosmos during my last 2WW. Anyone have that as a pregnancy symptom? LOL!!!)

PS- By the way, a big "Thank You" to all of you who came out to share and support me at my last post. It meant a lot to me!

WTF Period On 11DPO

2010-06-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad.

I knew this cycle was a bust for me. I just knew I wouldn't get pregnant given the condition I'm in. And I was so sure that I wouldn't feel upset because I was already expecting a BFN.

But what do you do when AF arrives 4 days early? Today would have been 11DPO, but I've started bleeding already. This means that I had an incredibly short luteal phase at only 10 days. Which is just Plain. Bad. News.

And I am just wondering whether the love-making we had last night brought on the period. In fact, I told hubs that it may cause it to come early, though deep down I felt it was quite unlikely given that my period was still quite a few days away. So I was really shocked to wake up and find spotting on my underwear. And bright red on the TP wipe. And it's been building up. My BBT has plunged too. I'm pretty sure this is it (AF).

It's happened to me before but usually just the day or 2 before my expected AF. But never this early. Has anyone had their periods induced by sex before? If it has happened to you before, can you please let me know because I feel like such a freak right now?

If this is a normal occurrence, then, is this why they tell you not to have sex during your 2WW if you're trying to conceive? I've heard about not exercising or having sex during the 2WW and I used to stick to it religiously, but I was beginning to think that it was all bullshit when I never got pregnant anyway. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me not to exercise in the last 3 days before AF but he never mentioned anything about sex.

So now I'm upset and confused.

I already have a long list of infertility challenges - endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, irregular ovulation and bad eggs. And I really don't want to add "luteal phase defect" to it.

I've been holding up quite well the whole day, but I think I'm beginning to crack.

I'm such a walking disaster. Sniff!

Two Week Waits And Trashy Romance Novels

2010-06-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's good to know that my uterus is still working- somewhat. Dr.NeverGiveUp scanned my ute on Friday (7DPO) and told me that I had ovulated and that the lining was building up very nicely at 11.9mm. Then he tells me later that my egg quality wasn't very good though for this cycle because it was quite big @25mm. He's an optimist but yes, always a realist!

Here's what I learned from him during my appointment:

In his experience follicles that are 18-20mm in size seem to be ideal because he has noticed that most successful pregnancies occur from follicles of that size.

The ideal thickness of the uterine lining should be around 8-14mm for pregnancy to happen, but the optimal range seems to be changing with ongoing research. He says that 18mm used to be considered too thick but that is even acceptable in today's standards as stastistics have shown that women are able to get pregnant with that.

He has helped over 600 women conceive naturally with TCM since he started his practice 15 years ago. He has also been listed as one of the panel doctors in a hospital-the first for a TCM doctor to be recognized in a (western medicine) hospital. And also invited to lecture in universities. Several of the prominent fertility clinics in town know of him and even refer their patients to him. He was trying to reassure me that I am in very good hands.

So, here I am now on 10DPO. I think that this cycle is pretty much a bust anyway~Only 50+ days into treatment under Dr.NeverGiveUp and bad egg which took forever to ovulate! What are the odds of a BFP with that? Though I'm sure that my lining's doing its stuff cos I've been feeling crampy. It's been a while since I've felt like this.

Being in the midst of a 2WW feels very strange to me. It feels like it has been a millenium since we've TTC. We've only skipped out on one cycle because I didn't ovulate last month, but it feels like it has been a really, really long time. So I got out my calendar and counted back to the last time I had a positive OPK and got down to some serious baby-making:

.... 99 DAYS!

Holy crap! That was like 3 months ago! We've been sitting on the side lines for so long! No wonder this 2WW felt so weird! I just turned 39 this year. Is age really getting to my eggs? Last year my cycles were averaging at 35 days, ovulating 85% of the time. Going by this track record, it looks like I'll be ovulating only 4 times a year~spring, summer, fall, winter? Eeeek!!!!

Well, bad egg or not, it's still a 2WW no less, and I finally got a chance to dig out the romance novels I bought several months ago in anticipation of the 2WWs that didn't come. During my last 2WW I started reading romance novels. At that time, I asked myself what was a good way to take my mind off to a happy place far, far away? I thought romance novels may be ideal because I'm a sucker for all that feel-good romantic stuff, though I haven't touched a single romance novel since "Sweet Valley High" days back when I was a teen! (Anyone remember those?) So I walked into a book store, clueless, and blindly picked out a few books by New York Time's Best Selling authors.

Boy! Was I wrong! Those books are not "feel-good" all the way! I cried and cried and cried! There were so many twists and tragedy in the plot that it put me on a intensely wild emotional roller-coaster ride! I read "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks which I wanted to before I saw the movie, and "Every Breath You Take" by Judith McNaught. Yeah - So much for a happy, zen 2WW!!! And for all I know my hormones probably amplified those emotions 100 times stronger! But now I am HOOKED! Especially on McNaught's books! They're dangerous-I simply can't put them down, even to sleep! In a global recession, being whisked away to a world of glamor, money and private jet planes, without any care nor accountability for carbon footprint, is such a wonderful escape. And where the heroine gets pregnant immediately after a hot, steamy 2-night sexual affair seems so ridiculous to an infertile but absolutely consoling to see that the hero and heroine really loved and wanted their children. I've read 2 more of McNaught's books this 2WW. And no more till my next 2WW. They're just way too dangerous!

Problems Getting Pregnant? Try This...

2010-06-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

You've tried making a baby au natural.

But it hasn't worked. So,

You try Pre-seed.

You try taking fertility supplements.

You try charting and timed sex.

You try elevating your hips for 2 hours after sex.

You try having an orgasm after elevating your hips to suck sperm in.

You try Clomid.

You try Fertility Yoga and seeing a psychic.

You try positive thinking.

You try flushing your tubes clear.

You try IUI and IVF.

You try acupuncture and TCM.

You try taking chinese herbs.

You try detoxing.

You try clearing your energy channels and chi gung exercises.

You try the TCM diet.

You try timing your cycle with the lunar cycle.

You try meditating.

You try praying.

You try keeping a lucky charm on you while you have sex.

You try sleeping with the moonbeam shining on you.

And it STILL HASN'T WORKED!

What else can you possibly try?

Well, look no further!

Introducing....

Yes! That's right! Let's all hypnotize ourselves into getting pregnant!

(We found this ad in our newspaper. No kidding!)

This Week's Menu

2010-06-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Here's my TCM fertility herbal pill menu for the week:

What you see in the picture is what I take - in ONE day! These meds are suppose to tonify my organs so that they will produce all the right hormones at optimal levels to support the growth of very good quality eggs. All the stuff in spoons are prescribed by Dr.NeverGiveUp and consist of 4 different types of formula. Note that big-ball pills on the lower left are different from small-ball pills on the lower right! (Get to know your medicine! LOL!) Initially I thought they were all the same! All the stuff in the middle on the plate itself are my own supplements...

Separated into two doses.

Taken twice a day.

With gallons of water.

And a prayer.

Sex Assignment

2010-06-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll be damned! I have a 25mm folly on my left ovary, ripe and ready to launch! What's so amazing about that, you say? It's because it's frickin' CD40 and I thought I was on CD8!

I thought I had a period 8 days ago on CD33 when I encountered some spotting. It didn't develop into a full-blown period~just some brown spotting with a teeny bit of blood that tapered off within 3-4 days. It was strange but I shrugged it off thinking perhaps the lining didn't get to develop due to non-ovulation. There was no pain either, which is like-Wooyeah! Get out the champagne and fireworks, because a period with no pain is a day of celebration for an endo gal. (My celebration by the way, ended up in a bit of a disaster ) Also, 8 days ago during my last u/s scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my follicles were all undeveloped and still small.

Then, two days ago on "CD6", I started getting dollops of egg-white CM!

"Heck! It's a bit early for ovulation isn't it? My cycles are so damned screwed!" I thought.

After having an u/s scan today, Dr.NeverGiveUp concluded that the bout of spotting wasn't a period. So then why was I spotting? He explained that because my hormones were not good, my lining was not strong and was shedding a little. But since it looks like I will be ovulating, he advised us to try for 3 consecutive days. Then I remembered that we had planned to skip TTC for one cycle so that the meds have some time to work on me and make me a bit stronger. And since we're still officially on that cycle, what now? He said that we should just go for it since I don't ovulate very often...

So we're going for it! Unfortunately, my brother's coming over to stay with us for the weekend and the guest bedroom is right next to ours. With paper thin walls. We're so used to having the whole house to ourselves and not having to worry about what other people might hear. 14 years ago, when hubs and I were dating (yes-it was that long ago!) I used to visit at this very same house when his parents were living here. They've moved out since and we've inherited it. Anyway, when his parents were ready to launch into some bedroom "exercise", they would blare classical music from their bedroom. And I could still hear my future mother-in-law through those walls with the music on. Ewww right? So every time we heard classical music coming from that room, we knew-it was the "cue"! But I had such an admiration for them because I think it's amazing that people "that age" are still having such a healthy sex life! I hope hubs and I will still be healthily active like them, minus the music(!), when we hit that age!

My next appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp is a week from now, but till then, we've got homework! At least it feels that way. I have a little notebook which he gave me to jot my daily BBT down, and in that, he also marks down tentative dates for u/s scans. Today, he marked three crosses on friday, saturday and sunday, indicating that we are to have sex on these days. YES SIR!

He also gave us some instructions on how to do it! Okay, you can stop laughing now. If you're trying to conceive you may wanna pay attention too! Here's:

Baby-Making Sex 101

1) Once the man enters, do not pull out until after he ejaculates. Every time he pulls out, air can enter the vagina. We do not want to create air in the vagina because it pushes the sperm out when he withdraws. We want to maintain a vacuum in the vagina, and it's easier for sperm to be sucked into the uterus during orgasm in a vacuum.

2) Make sure your hips are elevated with a pillow before he ejaculates to minimize spillage.

3) Lie down, hips elevated, for two hours after that. 30 minutes is not sufficient. You may turn to your side but make sure you're horizontal for 2 hours.

Hmm, I guess no more wild experimental 100-sex-positions-a-night! It's got to be a 1-shot deal, and then lie down like a zombie after that! Don't even think about getting up for a snack or to pee anytime soon after that!

On top of our little "assignment", I am to take my chinese herbal pills twice a day, which he has changed up a bit. He seems to be changing my prescription every week. He gives us different dosages and formula to support the changing hormones in our cycle. Last week, he had me taking 4 more capsules daily on top of this. For this coming ovulatory phase, he's doubled those little black balls! Yes, I'm gonna have a ball swallowing those down!

Well, I'll have to say that hubs was noticeably more cheerful after we left the clinic. I mean, he was really happy and holding my hands and everything! I think he's probably thinking about all the sex that he's gonna get this weekend, but he says it's because he got to see my egg! I guess he's happy about me ovulating! Awww.... It's probably the best news we've had in a long while!

Wish me luck on our assignment!

Warning: Evil Drug

2010-06-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

Did you know that one of the options offered by doctors of western medicine for the treatment of endometriosis or fibroids is synthetic drugs which would:

1) Make me menopausal (WTF??!) or

2) Turn me into a man (WTF again??!)

HAR.

What a great frickin' joke! If menopause leads to pregnancies,

Hey-Hey-Hey! Sign me up NOW! Better yet, since I'm not having much success getting pregnant as a woman, maybe if I turn myself into a man I'd have a better shot at it!

[By the way, did you know that another prescribed cure for endometriosis is pregnancy? As in...

"Oh? What's that you said? Endometriosis preventing you from getting pregnant? No problem! Just get pregnant and your endometriosis will be cured!" (I have such admiration for the wisdom of modern western medicine, my eyes are welling up...)

Yeah- OxyMORON! ]

Anyhoo, back to that synthetic drug... Therefore, what's the moronic logic that is driving doctors to dish out these drug treatments while sitting there collecting fat paychecks in their shiny "don't-question-me-I've-spent-years-in-med-school-studying" white labcoats? Well, most doctors trained in western medicine believe that these two diseases are fueled by estrogen, which is the stuff that makes you womanly and what makes you function like a woman, such as painting the town red with Aunt Flo every month and ovulating. So by logical deduction, if you keep estrogen on the down low which manifests as options 1 or 2, your problem would go away. Yes, problem solved!

And then there's the fine print which says, "Not exactly suitable for women trying to get pregnant but since we got nuttin' else, we'll put you on it anyway so we can make a quick buck from you for a few months. For you to actually get pregnant, we will then take you off it since it's stopping you from getting pregnant. Doing so will cause the disease to return immediately and render you unable to get pregnant. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not solve any problems for you! Good luck!"

So what is this wonderful synthetic drug that is raking in $800 million in sales annually and making lots of women weep from joy (or its side effects, I'm not sure)? BTW, these side-effects include increased ovarian cancer, irreversible lowering of the voice so you can sound like your dream guy (Yay-now you can finally sing like Barry White), thinning bone problems, permanent disruption to your normal hormonal levels and many other stuff that f*cks up your health real bad. There are several synthethic hormonal therapies out there but one of the commonly prescribed ones is called Lupron.

If you have endometriosis, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you have prostrate cancer, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you have fibroids, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you're doing IVF, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

But miracle drug it is not. In fact, it's use is very controversial because it has led to permanent damage in people's health, and even death. It's actually more toxic than people are led to believe. Results of Lupron studies have been found by the U.S. Dept of Health and Services to be falsified. A medical officer for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reported that Lupron should be taken off the market. In 2001, the company that makes Lupron admitted to criminal misconduct over the drug, making it the largest healthcare fraud of that time. Yet it's still being pushed by pharmaceutical companies and doctors today. FDA's verdict on this issue is still pending. Some doctors now believe the risks outweigh the benefits. A nurse, Lynn Millican, who has suffered terribly from the effects of Lupron during IVF treatments is now fronting a legal battle against the drug. She also made a testimony to the United States Senate about her findings on Lupron. It reveals a lot of dodgy stuff about drugs in ART that ordinary women don't know about. Her testimony can be downloaded here.

It scares me that the dangers of drugs like this one are still downplayed.

It scares me that government bodies that are set up to protect people from these health dangers are not doing their jobs.

It scares me that women tolerate the prolific use of this drug because they weren't educated about the severity of the risks by their doctors, or have a misguided notion that doctors know best.

It scares me that doctors are in denial about the dangers of this drug and have no qualms about letting their patients use this drug since they themselves are not the ones having to deal with its consequences anyway.

I have no doubt in my mind that mainstream medicine today is largely motivated by money~Not compassion.

It makes me terribly upset that women are led to believe that they have to take such risks with their lives and suffer such hardships on their bodies to have the baby of their dreams, or to be free from the pain of endo and fibroids.

If Lupron crosses your path, please consider it very wisely and carefully. It is evil, EVIL stuff!

The Squirts

2010-06-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

So you're not pregnant.

So that gives you the license to eat all the raw oysters and sushi you can at a 5-star hotel buffet.

So I did cos that's at least one privilege I have for not being pregnant.

Nausea.

Diarrhea.

Food Poisoning.

Learn From My FAIL.

Life screws with you every way it can.

You Bad, Lazy Egg!

2010-06-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

It appears that my eggs have gone on a leave of absence without notifying me! They haven't showed up for two cycles! Today is CD32 and I woke up with some spotting. I guess that throws the possibility of a late ovulation out the window!

I went in for my weekly u/s scan with Dr.NeverGiveUp today, and he confirmed that my eggs had not matured. So yup! There's the proof~those lazy eggs of mine are definitely having a vacation. They're there, but just idling around-not growing or doing much. He believes that my high testosterone levels are suppressing the development of my eggs. That's why I am still having my periods but not ovulating. I told him that I was ovulating regularly last year but it seemed that turning a year older has really affected my fertility. However he thinks that my ovaries look OK and that the bigger concern was the condition of my uterus. He assured me that the medicine I am taking will help to rebalance my hormones and improve the quality of my eggs. And that we will start to see the effects in 3-4 months.

I also brought up my concern about my high CA-125 results which indicate an infection and inflammation in the ovaries. I read recently on a fertility doctor's blog that,

"Endometriosis is a pelvic disease that causes the pelvis to be inflamed. It is thought that this inflammation attacks and kills the egg at the time of ovulation."

That got me into a bit of a panic! Like, "What? Now my own body is killing my eggs too?" How many more disasters could I possibly be brewing in my uterus?!!!

Being his usual never-say-die self, he said that it's not a very significant problem because the cells in our body are very, very good at adapting to their environment. My eggs will also adapt and find a way to survive. So I stopped freaking out. What I really like about Dr.NeverGiveUp is his unassuming confidence and optimism.

As I was the last patient in the clinic today, I had the opportunity to talk with him a little longer. I brought up the issue about doing acupuncture for me, cos frankly, I'm a walking disaster and I need all the help that I can get! But he told me-again-that I shouldn't worry about that. I can't believe that a TCM doc is not pro-acupuncture! What about all the stuff I've read about acupuncture improving success rates in IVF by 30% and the latest news about Celine Dion conceiving twins via IVF with the help of acupuncture? He explained that statistics are sometimes exaggerated or manipulated, even in the medical profession. He said he attended a world medical seminar on IVF and when it was reported that some clinic claimed a 50% rate in IVF success, the whole room cracked up like it was the biggest joke. Even the most respected and advanced clinics in IVF research could only realistically claim a 30% success rate. Some clinics were also practising the unethical transfer of very high numbers of embryos to increase success rates. Well, I don't know how honest clinics really are about their success rates, but in regards to acupuncture and IVF, he told me that the professor he studied under in China specialized in IVF, and in his hospital, patients who initially failed to get pregnant through IVF would be treated with acupuncture. And even then, they found that the success rate for IVF after acupuncture increased only by 10%, which was minimal. That was quite a startling revelation to me! I was under the impression that the odds were better than that! That conclusion was formed from his own experience anyway, and I guess it must be true because nobody lies about underperforming!

However he made it a point to assure me that TCM herbal medicine itself (as opposed to acupuncture) really helps to improve egg (and sperm) quality. And this is something that Western Medicine does not/cannot address. He made that very clear: At the university hospital he's lecturing at, out of the 5 couples who underwent IVF recently, only one couple succeeded and it was the one that had undergone TCM treatment with him. Their IVF specialist was very impressed with her egg quality. He also told me about another IVF specialist who now refers many of her patients to him. She was astonished at the egg quality she retrieved from patients who had undertaken his treatment. She claimed that the egg quality was "beautiful"! And guess who this IVF specialist is? Dr.Crap! Yes, the fertility specialist I first consulted whom I didn't like at all. I blogged about her here. She's quite prominent in her field and Dr.NeverGiveUp's patients seem to like her a lot! Now that's astonishing to me!

So I am really counting on Dr.NeverGiveUp's TCM pills to make me ovulate beautiful eggs. Although I am not going for IVF, I really feel for you girls who are going through it and are devastated when you find that you have issues with egg quality, even with all the drug stimulation. From what I've read/heard and what Dr.NeverGiveUp has told me, Western medicine has no treatment for improving egg quality which greatly impacts success rates for IVF. But do not despair and do not give up yet. There is this avenue down TCM that you can try before resorting to donor eggs or adoption. It appears that women have been getting promising results with TCM treatment. I personally have a friend whose doctor said the same thing about her eggs after she underwent TCM. Her first two rounds produced crappy eggs but her third round produced very good eggs after TCM. She finally managed to get pregnant at age 40 with her third IVF.

Now, I don't really know what Dr.NeverGiveUp puts inside his pills. I never really cared to find out because he has rattled off a whole bunch of names before to me and it still left me clueless anyway. But I did wonder about the efficacy of pills as opposed to boiling the raw herbs like I did before with my previous TCM doc. I always thought that the pills contained herbs that were ground into powder form. Well, silly me! Apparently they're not that low tech! The essence of an herb is extracted by a very high tech process to preserve its medicinal properties, and is sourced from China. Dr.NeverGiveUp has visited the lab and commissioned them to make a blend of his different formulae. I am very happy to hear that I'm not paying high prices for low-tech medicine! And I don't have to extract them the old-fashioned way myself by boiling them for an hour, which inevitably end up in disaster sometimes! So, yay! My days of burning my herbs dry into carbon and having my own smoking Icelandic volcano in my kitchen are over!

And here's another piece of good news. I am not diabetic! I've been feeling thirstier than usual over the past month and Dr.NeverGiveUp said there was a possibility of me getting diabetes "because you are FAT!" Yup! Those are his exact words! Yes, cut straight to the point why don't cha! Well, I never said he was charming! Even though I had a blood test last month I could become diabetic anytime, so he tested me. So that's one less disaster in my body to deal with! Phew! He did tell me that one thing I could do though to help lower my testosterone levels was to lose some weight. OK! Got it! Lose the fat!

Blog Spring Clean

2010-06-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

I took some time to clean up my blog over the weekend. Don't worry if you just got here and thought,

"OMG! Where am I? Where's Zengirl a.k.a. Chasing Pitter Patters? What happened to all that hot pink?"

We're still right here, but all cleaned up with some new make up on!

My blog needed a bit of updating since my latest diagnosis. Seeing that I have a new doctor and am at a new phase of my TTC journey, I've revamped my blog to reflect that change too. But I've kept the pink vibe going. Here's a surprising Zengirl fact- hot pink is one of my least favorite colors. I don't wear pink, I don't own anything pink and nothing in my house is pink. But for some funny reason, I really wanted my blog to be pink! In cyber world, I'm crazy for pink! Pretty strange huh?

And because Zengirl is neurotic, she just has to customize the blog to the littlest detail. (Another surprising fun fact-you'd think Zengirl was acually ZEN, but noooo!). So after sifting through tons of styles and HTML code to personalize the blog, (by the way, those people who invented HTML code for web design are either satan or deranged), I still have some hair left on my head which I haven't all pulled out! And my blog is all cleaned up and refurbished! I'm a year older since I started this blog so I updated and rewrote my profile blurb too.

Now I'm really in the mood to do some serious spring cleaning and redecorating. I've always dreamt about doing up our spare room into a nursery but looking at how far we're at, it would be crazy to even consider that! So my next target - our master bedroom! It's been 10 years since we've done anything to it. Hmm... it might be appropriate to vamp it up into a hot passionate love nest for our baby-making! Hot pink perhaps? Uhm, maybe not. I'm sure my husband would kill me!!! I heard the latest, hottest 2010 color for room interiors is turquoise. You like? What's your favorite color for the bedroom?

Meds Medley

2010-05-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

I think this has been the most relaxing cycle I've had in a long time.

I have not peed on a single stick this cycle. (Gasp!) And I don't intend to. (What?)
Ever since Dr.NeverGiveUp included a u/s scan as routine procedure to monitor the growth of my follicles, I've never had to bother with OPKs anymore. No more squinting my eyes blind over a second OPK line that may or may not be there. The u/s scan takes all the guessing out of what my eggies are doing and even though they might not behave the way I want them to, just knowing where they're at seems to take a lot of stress off.

It's CD26 and still have not ovulated. And I am not freaking out! (What happened to Zengirl? She's actually acting... ZEN! Gasp-again!)
We decided to take a break this month from TTC. I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if it would be a good idea to give my body a chance to improve and strengthen before TTC. I know I have a hormone imbalance and it wouldn't be the best way to start a pregnancy. Having miscarried once before, I don't want to ever experience that ever again if I can help it. He agreed that it would be a good idea but he said that one month was sufficient to wait. So we're sitting this cycle out and will see how I am responding to his treatment.

And I haven't had to endure any pricks from acupuncture at all since I've been under Dr.NeverGiveUp's care.
He feels that acupuncture is not very effective in most IF cases, and that chinese medicine was better at addressing IF problems. I don't agree with his views about acupuncture because from all the literature I've read about IF, it's suppose to help. And I think I need all the help I can get!!! He said he wanted to monitor a complete cycle first before he decides if I need acupuncture. So my part-time stint as a human pin-cushion has temporarily been suspended!

Having no bi-weekly acupuncture appointments to go to, or herbs to boil daily, or OPKS to obsess over, has really freed up my time and my mind. I have not felt this relaxed or carferee in the longest time. And it feels great!

The downside is that I seem to be constantly swallowing pills all day like a prescription drug junkie! Here's a photo of my daily pill ration:

Dr.NeverGiveUp has me on four types of chinese herbal medication, which he says also contain folic acid. The rest of the pills are supplements that I'm taking based on recommendations given in "The Infertility Cure" book. Mmmm... Yummy Yum!

Any of you gals chowing down fertility supplements and medication like they were going out of fashion too?

Meet Ms.Nasty

2010-05-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

I finally managed to get a picture of my ultrasound, starring my big fat adenomyosis-slash-fibroid growth, whom I named Ms.Nasty.

During my last period, she measured in at a whopping 4.8cm ~ about the size of a plum. Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks it is a mixture of blood vessels and muscle tissue. He doesn't recommend surgery because it is not possible to do it without cutting away and damaging the uterine wall. I think he might be right because another patient who has the same growth as me in the same spot had all her other fibroids surgically removed except this one. And even if I did have surgery, it does not address the other adeno spots around my ute which cannot be removed. The only known "cure" for adeno today is a hysterectomy. So it looks like I have to live with Ms.Nasty. Ugh!

Here she is seen from the front. She sits in the centre at the bottom of my ute, bulging into the uterine cavity like a movie star desperate for attention.

Here is a side view of her resting against the back wall of my uterus towards the rectum (right of the image) in a spot commonly known as the Pouch of Douglas or Douglas Cul-De-Sac. (I'm almost expecting to see a few houses there!) Now I am sure my Ass-Throb days are caused by Ms.Nasty throwing a tantrum every now and then!

I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if she could be nasty enough to stop hub's sperm from getting through (I'm thinking road block here). But he thinks it won't be an issue because sperm is very small and they can get past Ms.Nasty fine. Well, I'm still concerned because hub's sperm aren't exactly olympian swimmers and you'd think they'd be so pooped after swimming over that gigantic mountain that they'd be too exhausted to swim any further, let alone find the right tube where eggy is before the time is up! Well, the only hope is that the chinese meds he's giving my husband will actually help them become super sperm!

As for pregnancy, the biggest issue for me is where implantation happens. If the fertilized egg implants on the upper region of the uterine cavity, as far away as possible from Ms.Nasty, then I have a shot! Unfortunately, not even IVF can help with this. IVF cannot determine where implantation occurs. I always thought I could do IVF as a last resort. But no. IVF cannot help my cause.

Sadly, western medicine offers me little or nothing at all in my quest to have a baby. Neither surgery nor IVF is going to help. Traditional Chinese Medicine is the only way for me. I have no choice.

Maybe it's why I've always believed in my heart that I will have a baby au natural. If and when I have my baby, it's going to be nothing less than a Miracle Baby!

Hope

2010-05-10T17:21:00.000-07:00

I've had the worst diagnosis I've heard in years about my infertility at my new clinic. And the news keeps getting worse.

I have an enlarged and deformed uterus. WTF? During my last ultrasound scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp and his wife, Dr.DontWorry were poring over my u/s image and speaking busily amongst themselves. They were paying close attention to it and making notes in a way that I've never seen them do. I couldn't understand them as they were speaking in chinese but I knew from their body language that they were really concerned. After wiping myself down, I sat down and probed them about what they saw.

Here's the bad news:

They said that my uterus is large and inflated like a round ball. A normal uterus is about 7.5 x 5 x 2.5 cm (length x width x thickness) . Mine is 9 x 8.5 x 7.5 cm! The endo and adeno has grown so extensively that my ute has swelled up like a ball. Is that why I look perpetually pregnant? Oh the irony! It is so distorted that the cervix has shifted to the left. The fibroid-looking mass is at the base growing from the back wall and extends into the cavity of the uterus, possibly exerting pressure on my rectum too. That probably explains my "ass-throb" days! He thinks it might not be a fibroid but more like an adenomyoma with tissue and blood inside, but he said I could call it a fbroid (?). I'm guessing he can't make a conclusive report from an ultrasound because the only definitive diagnosis for adeno is a microscopic biopsy after hysterectomy, which, hell yeah I'm gonna have! He says surgery is not an option for me as that meant cutting into the uterus extensively. I don't think much of my uterus would be left behind after that. A patient of his, by some strange coincidence, has a uterus almost identical to mine, with the same size, shape, distortion, fibroid mass in the same location, and shifted cervix. Her doctor told her she could never have children...

According to Dr.NeverGiveUp, a uterus as bad as mine would have been in the making for many, many years. I am upset that within the last 2 years, two different gynaecologists who scanned me before and after my miscarriage failed to tell me that my uterus was abnormal. They only mentioned that it was retroverted and it was clear of cysts. Dr.NeverGiveUp explained that it was common for doctors not to say anything if the condition can't be helped or if it isn't life threatening. So what are your doctors NOT telling you? At least now I know that TCM doc's treatments over the past year did not do this to me. Considering the extent of my problem, any lack of progress from his treatments is totally understandable!

But here's the good news:

The patient with the identical abnormal ute is now pregnant (WOW!), 6 months after Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatments. I have hope! She is at 14 weeks and they are monitoring her closely. Dr.NeverGiveUp so kindly showed me her ultrasound and I could see her little baby in a sac sitting above and away from the fibroid. I am so rooting for her! He has said to me before that our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt. That there are many, many places and spots in the womb where an egg will find to implant itself. If it implants on a good spot, then it could survive. So even with his treatments, "It's all a game of chance right?" I asked. "Yes" he replied with a matter of fact. "And up to God". Hmmm, haven't I heard that somewhere before? Well, I do appreciate his honesty. There are risks and complications for these types of pregnancies but he believes that if the egg and sperm quality are good to begin with, the embryo has a good fighting chance for survival. And he firmly believes that my inability to conceive is largely because of my hormone imbalance-not the endo or the fibroid/adeno.

Thinking back, it is such a miracle that I managed to get pregnant last year with this busted uterus! And plausible that I couldn't sustain it because my hormonal levels were not right or that the egg/sperm quality were not good to begin with. Hmmm... All of Dr.NeverGiveUp's theories might just be right! But he says that I have a tough road ahead (don't you just love his honesty?) and that I should expect to be treated for a year. He says there's no way to predict how long it would take for me to conceive. A woman with worse adeno than me conceived after 9 months. Some who couldn't conceive for 6 years conceived within 2 months after his treatments. The longest patient he had was treated for 2 years before she conceived at age 42. The bottom line is, I should not give up. He said that nobody should tell me that I can never have a baby. I love this guy!

I was devastated when I learned how bad my condition was. I cried my heart out at the impossibility of having a baby with the challenges we have. But I've picked myself off the floor now and wiped away my tears.

I have hope.

And I have Dr.NeverGiveUp's help.

It might take me at least 9 months or more than a year to conceive. But I am going to make everyday count. Now I have time to work off the weight I always wanted to lose before a pregnancy. I have time to work up my fitness level so that I can be a fit mom. I have time to eat right and get healthy so that I will have a healthy pregnancy.

Yes, I'm going to make everyday that I am waiting count.

My Third And Newest TCM Doctor

2010-05-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

Having started treatments at a new fertility clinic recently, I'm officially in a new chapter of my TTC drama now. I've been to the clinic 3 times to date, and even though all they've given me were mainly bad news, they're NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I am so happy and grateful!

Meet my brand new TCM doc ~ Dr.NeverGiveUp!

He speaks English. (Clouds in the heavens are parting...Aaaaa-lleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!)
He is trained in both western and chinese medicine and is the only doctor here that integrates both to treat infertility. (Just what I wanted! Woohoo!)
He is an acupuncturist too. (Nice to know he got skillz)
Has a Ph. D specializing in fertility. (He must know his stuff!)
He also lectures and has been invited by a university to set up the first department to teach integrated medicine for infertility in the country. (He must really, really know his stuff)
He's quite patient with my 1 million and 1 questions. (I like doctors who explain)
He is honest. (He does not sugarcoat things and is realistic)
He told me to never give up because humans are meant to reproduce. (That's the spirit I need in my doc)
He believes that our bodies have an amazing ability to rejuvenate itself and adapt (He gives me the hope I need)

I think he really is the answer to my prayer! I am shocked that god heard me. And answered. Infact he gave me two doctors.

Meet the wife and assistant of Dr.NeverGiveUp ~ Dr.Don'tWorry!

She speaks English too. (Alleluia chorus-Round 2! )
She is a chinese medicine doctor and acupuncturist. (Nice to have a second opinion)
She's sweet and kind. (When I came in with cramps and waited torturously for my turn, she told me that I could jump the queue next time and not have to endure the wait if I was in pain!)
She keeps telling me not to worry and just be happy. (I'm sure it's hormone-related advice ie, less stress, better hormones)

Having been with a very traditional doctor in TCM the last year and half (with "TCM doc"), I am not used to the ways of this clinic yet.

- I am required to submit my BBT which has to be taken precisely at a time I choose between 5-8 a.m. with at least 5 hours sleep prior. I must use the digital thermometer supplied and record, (in Celsius-I'm used to Farenheit), the temps in a notebook which they will check and draw a graph from. Wow! I am not used to having someone scrutinize my BBTs like that!

- They will occasionally take my blood to test my hormones. It was never this scientific with my previous TCM doc. I like seeing proof. And Dr.NeverGiveUp is a pro at taking blood! My veins are notoriously hard to find-I've been probed and jabbed all over my arms and even the back of my hands with needles just to find blood. He found a vein on his first try! He's my hero!

- They will give me an ultrasound scan every time I go in for my weekly appointment to monitor my uterus and follicles. For this, I am required to drink 1.5 L (6.5 cups) of water and hold it before I visit the clinic. And they won't scan me till I'm bursting to go to the toilet! Wooo-peee! They charge me $50 for each scan but I only have to pay for 7 scans. After that it will all be free, even if I remain there for years or if I come back for treatments for a second or third child! I think that's awesome!

- They will tell us when to have sex. No kidding. We are scheduled to have sex on the 12th of May! He wrote that on my BBT notebook! Precision timed sex seems to be a big part of his "treatment".

- I am required to take lots of herbal pills. Did I say pills? Yes!!! I did! Pills! No more gluggy, black, nasty, evil tasting herbal potions to brew and drink! It's so convenient and it frees up so much of my time. It's amazing how much more relaxing it is with this pill regiment! I don't have to constantly check on boiling herbs, or worry about burning my pot and setting off the fire alarm anymore!

- I won't be having acupuncture. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that he rarely prescribes acupuncture these days. He says that in his experience, acupuncture isn't very effective for infertility. That herbal medicine does the job better. I'm not sure I agree with him, but... What? No more being pricked all over like a voodoo doll? Shocking!

This method of treatment is indeed new to me but I hope this journey will be a fruitful one for me. I am not discounting my previous treatment with TCM doc nor discrediting his work. Infact I believe that I have less pain now because of him. My periods are shorter and I don't lose crazy amounts of blood anymore. The last time AF came, there was less pain, hardly any clots, and lasted only 7 days. And I did get pregnant for the first time in my life while under his care. But I am still not well. I am far from it. I think he's taken me as far as he could. And now I need someone else to take me further along towards my goal of having a baby.

Is Dr.NeverGiveUp my next stepping stone towards that goal?

I hope and pray he is.

"Bloody" Bad News

2010-05-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

My hormonal bloodwork came back. It's bad news as I had expected.

My hormone levels are crap.

And one thing that freaked me out was when my results for CA-125 (Cancer Antigen 125) indicated cancer in the ovaries! Fuck right? Then I found out that it wasn't a reliable way to screen for cancer and that elevated levels are also present in women who have endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disorders, fibroids or women who are menstruating or are pregnant. Stress kills fertility. Yup! Mine just about died there and then when I saw my CA-125 results!

Anyway, for those of you who love, love, love numbers, here are some of my bloodwork stats based on mid-luteal phase parameters:

- My progesterone level is low @ 8.13 (should be 7.96-23.37)

- My estradiol is ok according to the doctor even though it looks high to me @245 (should be 90-220)

- My testosterone levels are a bit high @ 0.86 (should be 0.14-0.76)

- My FSH is at 2.7

- My CA-125 is @63.8 (should be <35)

I have a tonne of questions about my blood test for my doctor because I wasn't quite lucid when I got the results. My brain had shut down due to the period cramps I was having then. As I had expected, all my icy cold coke indulgence the weeks before came back to haunt me. (Docs told me to avoid icy drinks for my condition) Well, it was really fun while it lasted. So, it was CD1 and my cramps were increasing in intensity as I waited for my turn in the clinic. My torture was exacerbated by the 1.5 L (about 50 fl oz or 6.5 cups) of water I had to drink and hold in my very full bladder, required for the ultrasound scan. Oh yeah-more bad news: my fibroid looks to be about 4.8cm (almost 2") now as opposed to 3cm last week. The doctor also said my tests indicate poor egg quality.

Sigh! When will this bad-news-avalanche ever come to a stop?

So what are the chances of a couple with
-endometriosis
-adenomyosis
-fibroids
-imbalanced hormones
-infrequent ovulation
-poor quality eggs
-low sperm count
-low sperm morphology
-low sperm motility
-mature age factor

have for getting pregnant? That's a freakin' long list of problems!

Our chances sound pretty damn awful don't it?

According to what I've read, here are more stats for those who, again, love, love, love numbers:

- fibroids that distort the shape of the uterus decrease fertility by 70%

- endometriosis decreases fertility by up to 36%

- by age 40, fertility rates drop by 95%

I don't even have stats on the impact of adenomyosis, or hormonal imbalance or sperm issues on fertility (I'm assuming it's not 0%) but let's tally up the numbers I already have:

100% fertility-70%-36%-95% = -101%

I'm no math genius, but that is a MINUS fertility rate. MINUS 101%! My chances are freakin' awful. I am sure there is at least one doctor out there who will tell me that I have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant... Thankfully, my new fertility doctors have not said that to me (I have 2-it's a husband and wife team). They told me not to give up hope, but it was going to be tough for me.

It's going to be really tough.

---------

On a side note: It's CD4 today. I went to the gym today. This is unheard of as I am usually still in agony locked in my room from endo/period pain on Day 4. I did have cramps on CD1 and 2, but the intensity and duration is half of what it normally is. I have not stained my panties or bed with overflow (not once!) this time which means my flow is normal and manageable now. The clinic did give me some herbal medicine for my cramps. It's the first time any herbal formula has worked for my pain, which to me is remarkable! When I took them, my pain was greatly reduced to just an annoying ache within 2 hours. Amazing-this is all plant stuff! The doctor was not kidding when she said the pills were "really, really good for cramps". If this is any indication of how good these TCM docs and their herbal medicine are, then, a spark of hope has finally been rekindled in my heart...

Broken

2010-04-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

This week is Infertility Awareness Week (USA).

And what an apt time it is for me to find out that I am even more infertile than I thought I was.

Yes, I have heartbreaking news about my latest diagnosis. An ultrasound at my new fertility clinic revealed that I not only have endometriosis (endometrial growth outside the uterus that causes adhesions, inflamation and scarring) which I already knew I had. But now I also have adenomyosis (endometriosis that occurs inside the uterus) and a 3cm fibroid in my uterus.

In simple English, my uterus is really fucked up! It is full of abnormal growths which are distorting its shape and decreases my fertility by 70%. My uterus is retroverted. The growths also make it difficult for an embryo to find a suitable spot to implant. The fibroid could also be blocking the passage of DH's sperm to my egg. This may not be the end of my bad news, as I am still waiting for my hormonal bloodwork to come back.

I am devastated. I've been depressed the whole week. My eyes are the size of tennis balls from all that crying. We have such an uphill struggle.

My body is broken.

My heart, is broken.

Divine Intervention or Dr.Google?

2010-04-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Do you think god sometimes answers your prayers...just a little?

Well, he didn't answer my prayers about ovulating--maybe because I didn't specifically say to him,

"God, please, please, please make my ovary lay me an egg..."

But he might have responded to my other "prayer": If you remember my mini meltdown a few days ago..., well, I decided to see my TCM doc the next day to get some answers about why my cycles were getting worse. He said he had no idea why because all my tcm vital signs told him I was doing rather well. Needless to say, I was frickin' disappointed and annoyed with his answer. My TCM doc's good (I did get pregnant within 3 months of being under his care) but he is not a fertility specialist. While I was laying on the clinic bed with a million needles stuck into my belly, I cried out in exasperation,

"God, Help Me!" (Not out loud, but in my head. The new needle-virgin patients waiting for their turn might appreciate that).

The next day, Saturday, I spent most of my time surfing the internet for answers. Most of my searches led me to fertility acupuncturists that were not even anywhere within a thousand miles from where I lived. Yet they were exactly what I wanted and needed. I was so desperate I fantasized about moving across oceans to be near them. After what seemed like an eternity drifting through cyberspace in desperation, I FOUND ONE! And he practically operates out of my own backyard. OK, I exaggerate, but his clinic is in my neck of the woods. The acupuncturist specializes in infertility and claims to use both Chinese and Western Medicine to diagnose infertility (they include hormonal bloodwork and ultrasound scans to monitor your follicles for ovulation) but use traditional chinese medicine to treat IF. This was exactly what I was looking for! I mean, yes, I still have delusions that at 39-going-on-40, I, endo girl with poor sperm DH, will get pregnant and have a baby without resorting to ART!

...
...
...

Okay, you can stop laughing now... Of course I still have a back-up plan--I will still talk to a fertility specialist about doing ART.

We plan to see this new fertility acupuncturist tomorrow. Maybe I just got lucky with Dr.Google. Or maybe God heard me and decided to give me a helping hand. So this is my new prayer to God:

"Oh God, please, please, please let him speak English.
May his english vocab extend beyond the words "Hello" and "We accept credit cards".
And please, please, please don't let his needles hurt.
May my acupuncture sessions with him be devoid of any screaming.
That's right God, please don't let him be a Dr.Yeeeoch v 2.0!

And please, please, please God, may I have a baby real soon!"

Mid-Cycle Meltdown

2010-04-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

I have a severe case of Infertility Psychosis.

Yesterday, my heart dropped and a pang of jealousy shot through it when I learned that a critically endangered sumatran rhino, recently photographed in the wild, is believed to be pregnant. This is unbelievable! I am jealous over a pregnant rhinocerous!

Today wasn't any better. I had a mini meltdown over a negative OPK.

And a negative saliva ferning test.

And negative egg-white CM - As in it's so dry, my lady parts has tumbleweeds blowing by and desert dunes have crept in.

I am 25 days into my cycle and still have not ovulated. If my previous cycle and the present one are anything to go by, it means I am heading into longer cycles. My fertility is going from bad to worse. I am just so devastated by the way things are going inside my frickin' body.

Now I have two meltdowns during a cycle instead of one big one: Once when the red tsunami hits, and once in mid-cycle when my eggs are a no-show day after day. And so the tears flowed today. They flowed in the bedroom. They flowed in the kitchen, while I was preparing my frickin' fertility herbs. Then it flowed again in the bedroom. I cancelled my appointment to see TCM doc. I won't be able to face another session of empty promises from him.

And the irony is, my body has never felt better or stronger. I haven't had any issues with endo pain this month. My lower back/kidney yang pain is gone. My body feels warmer. My libido came back from the dead, albeit briefly. My egg-white CM did make a stellar appearance a few days ago, though it's vanished now. So why is my infertility getting worse? Did my in-laws kill my fertility this cycle? Have I got a crap doctor? I am now a broken, mad, raging infertile looking for someone other than myself to blame!

But miraculous and fortunate things happen to infertile women every where. And we try to draw hope and strength from them. Hmph! The sad truth is that the world promises us good things but sometimes, all it does is just rain... and rain... and rain...

(This photo I made in Beijing, China, of a woman walking by a happy billboard in the rain pretty much sums it up)

Oh! I want a baby so badly! And just to think--somewhere in the world right now, some teenager, or a young wife, or a jilted lover or a super career woman is rejoicing and falling to the floor with relief, and thanking god and their lucky stars that their pregnancy test is superbly negative!

Yes, someone in the world is shouting with a delirious smile on their face, "I AM NOT PREGNANT! YIPPEE!"

Pregnancy Prediction

2010-04-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

My TCM doc played clairvoyant today.

Not knowing what my TCM doc's stand is on ART, I wanted to gently ease him into the idea that we will be resorting to IVF sometime soon-so I asked him if he had any patients undergoing IVF while under his care. He said he did, and he even told me that some woman who's the head of gynaecology in some medical university is seeing him for treatments while undergoing IVF right now. He quickly assumed that we were heading in that direction, and he asked if we were contemplating it. When I told him that we were, as my one year deadline with TCM was already up , he said to me,

"Just wait a little longer. Two more months."

"Two more months? Why?" I asked.

"I have a feeling you'll be pregnant in two months."

"Why?Is that based on your assessment of my current condition?"

"No. It is a gut feeling. It is purely my gut feeling."

OK. I did not whip out my pom-poms and do a celebratory dance but that was, of course, very amusing to me. I told him that we will see a fertility specialist and do an assessment anyhow. And we will take it from there. I am very relieved to hear that he would be happy to continue treating me even if we opt for ART in the future. Two months! Pffffftt!

---

During dinner, I had one of the many chats I usually have with hubby about our baby-making plans, and I learned that he wasn't very keen on IVF--if that caused a danger to my life. I remembered telling him a long time ago about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) due to fertility drugs, and that it was very dangerous and that it could even lead to death. And I was shocked that he actually remembered! He doesn't know all the facts but he was deeply concerned at the idea of putting my life at risk for a baby. He concluded that in the worst case scenario, he would rather that the baby die than me die. I was deeply moved by his profound love for me. Awwwww.....He does love me very much! I never really knew how much until today!

--

Today is CD22. OPK is still negative. Already one whole box of OPKs, or $50, peed down the drain. This is not going to be a stellar cycle obviously. Maybe it's all my own doing. On CD1 alone, I had four cups of coffee, and since my in-laws left, all I've done is break loose and indulge in sin a.k.a. junk food. Pizza, burgers and icy cold coke every other day. Yes-Caffeine! Fat! Cholesterol! Cold Drinks! All junk! All non fertility-friendly food! At the rate I am going, my TCM doc's 2-month prediction is never going to come true! Hell! At the rate I am going, my two neutered female & male doggies will be pregnant before I will!

Back To My Regular Infertile Life

2010-04-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

This past week has brought a calm and quietness that I have dearly missed--my in-laws are finally gone! I don't want to sound like a cold, heartless, unappreciative bitch, but...

Hooray!

Yippee!

Ya-ba-da-ba-DOOOOOOO!

If I could, I'd be doing back-flips and cartwheels too! Because I'm finally able to breathe. Having them around was like having clingwrap stuck to your face: super clingy and suffocating! Now I can live my life for me and NOT for the Golden Child@my niece whom my in-laws worship. It's so nice to have my life back! Even if it's a pathetic infertile life!

So it's CD20. My obsessive peeing-on-sticks have come back to haunt me. I'm waiting for ovulation. And still no sign of it. Ugh! It's the same old sad drama all over again! Wa-wa-wa-waaa..... I am suppose to seek out a new fertility specialist and there's one that a friend of mine highly recommends. I was hoping to speak to her about her IVF experiences at that clinic and get the contact no and doctor's name, but she's in Japan for two weeks! It's so typical of my luck! So I'm impatiently counting the days until she gets home. I guess it's another month of "leaving it up to god" type of TTC. The other day, I complained to my TCM doc, as I always do these days about how long its been since my miscarriage with no sign of pregnancy... And all he could really say was that we had to leave it up to god! That kinda left me flabbergasted! His faith in god is a lot deeper than mine! He seems to think that my time will come and god has a plan for me. My interpretation: we can intervene all we want but god has the final say! It doesn't leave me very hopeful... SIGH!...

So whatever!

I'm kinda sick of the futility of chasing my baby dream. My confidence has been shattered somewhat badly by these recurring failures. I feel so devoid of hope or enthusiasm right now, it's depressing. I feel like taking a break from all this TTC crap. All it's done is stretch my patience thin, weigh me down, break my heart and milk my tearducts dry! There's suppose to be joy at the end of all this TTC suffering-a beautiful bundle of joy in our arms. But where is it? I'm so tired. Really tired. I don't even have the energy to carry any expectations any more. So I haven't got any expectations this month. I don't expect to get pregnant. So when AF comes around, I won't care and I'm not going to break down.
HAH! Yeah right! We shall see about that!

Well, there has to be something good in my life! What is it? Oh yeah - my in-laws are gone (Double Yabadaba-doooo!) and Ass-Throb Day didn't show up. My typical CD-10 Endo-related Throbbing-pain-in-the-rectum Event was a no-show this cycle, so my ass is ecstatic! My icy body is feeling a lot warmer and my libido has come back from the dead. All those TCM needles and herbal potions may not have made me a baby, but it has at least done some good for my hormones and my endo, or so it seems...

Back From Hell

2010-04-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!

And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.

And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations! I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!

Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness

So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?

I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...

Peed $25 Away Today

2010-03-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a

BIG

FAT

NEGATIVE!

I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?

Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.

This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?

I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...

Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!

Vacation Hell

2010-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it back from vacation with my in-laws! And as expected, their obsession with the Golden Child a.k.a. Her Royal Highness (my 5 yr-old niece--see my last 2 posts) and their general paranoia drove me up the wall! You would think that a family vacation by the beach would be a fun and relaxing affair, but no... At least not for me. I so need to vent and let some of this steam out, but I might have a heart attack reliving it in detail, so here's the "short" of it:

Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.

2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.

3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.

4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.

5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!

6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!

(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)

And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!

And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!

So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!

Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no! Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired. Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!

I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.

And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now.... 137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!

Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.

This is a very odd and unusually long cycle. My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.

My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?

I am not Oligoovulating!

2010-03-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

O.

M.

G.

I am ovulating!

Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy. Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.

So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.

The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance! At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!

So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?

Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:

I never knew I had so much pigment, but they're 100% saturated by now I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for me to get any darker! My ass which is even whiter than that got sunburnt too while we were snorkelling for 3 hours at a stretch one day. The snorkelling was pretty amazing that day. In all my 14 years of diving and snorkelling, I have never seen plankton before and we hit a huge patch of plankton. We didn't know what it was at first but I figured it out cos the fish were in a feeding frenzy! The water was so dense with these bubble-like jelly plankton that I thought a whale shark was gonna come and scoop us into its mouth any minute. Apparently it was possible to see them (it's my dream to swim with a whale shark!) but plankton season which lasts about 3 months there had only just started. And 2-3 weeks before we arrived a huge turtle came and laid her eggs on the beach. We just have no luck!

Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.

Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter! I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....

So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!

I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z

Vent-O-Rama

2010-03-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Maldives! I had the most wonderful time! It was exactly what I have been longing and searching for, and I didn't want to leave!

Our island was beauuuuuutiful and the resort was second to none! We've never been so pampered before in our lives. It was truly a 5-star experience all the way through: We had hotel staff handle all our bags and check-ins at airports, we had a special waiting lounge where we could eat and drink ourselves silly (for free!) while we waited for our flight, we had a personal host that took care of our every need, we had an expresso machine in our rooms with all the decaf coffee we could ever want (we requested decaf-they delivered-plenty!), anytime we hit the beach chairs, someone would come running with iced-water, cool refresher towel, sun tanning oil, face mister and sunblock lotion without us even asking (did I mention, all free?), when the day got kinda hot, they would come up to you at the beach and give us a complimentary shot of some exotic fruit smoothie, breakfast was totally indulgent with all-you-can-eat pastries, eggs done anyway, pancakes, crepes, waffles, buckwheat noodles with Wagyu beef, Maldivian-style breakfast, any style coffee/tea, fruit juice, fruit platter, homemade yogurt, all sorts of breads or toast, and any special request you might have, they gave us complimentary afternoon tea everyday with exotic nibbles from the Moroccan-Maldivian restaurant (when they didn't have ginger tea they would even make some out of fresh ginger for me), they drew a bath for us and filled it with flowers and scented candles all around AND decorated our bed with petals in a heart shape even though we were not honeymooners, there was turn-down service where they left scented candles in our rooms and different gourmet sweet treats every night to wind down the day, they spoiled us with a complimentary couples spa and island tour, they arranged a private dinner on the roof-top without us even asking and even gave us complimentary dessert after that. And our rooms were amazing! It was a private villa with a huge TV we never used, huge comfy bed, daybed, iPod docking station, his and hers sink with his and hers toiletries, indoor rain shower AND an outdoor bathroom with shower and bathtub so you can bathe under the stars. The view was a picture perfect postcard - The sea water was a stunning shade of blue and turquoise, and the coconut tree lined sandy beaches were white and powdery. Everything was perfect. This was paradise.

BUT---

I did not ovulate!

WTF? Bloody F*ckin' @#$%!*$#%!!!

My dreams of coming home with a made-in-paradise baby was crushed. I mean, what should I expect? Miracles don't ever happen to me. Luck is never on my side. I created a perfect getaway for my body, mind and soul, but my body refuses to cooperate. F**k! F**k! F**k!

And I am now not only dreading AF, but so dreading the fact that I'll be on a holiday surrounded by all my in-laws when it happens. My sis-in-law will be flying in from LA with her husband and her 4 yr old daughter "Her Royal Highness" and we, together with my parents-in-law will be going for a beach holiday (yes, yet another one for us). What makes it particularly unbearable for me is the fact that "Her Royal Highness" is so loved and cherished by my parents-in-law and she represents the child my husband and I can't have. I was secretly hoping that come next week, I would have some great news to share--that we too would have one of our own, but it's not to be. We just have to be the barren ones while everyone dotes on the "Golden Child".

Did I ever mention how much I hate "Her Royal Highness"? I have to be the worst Aunt in the world for feeling this, and she's done nothing wrong to deserve this from me. But I am so filled with jealousy. In order for you to understand how special she is-you need to know that her grandparents waited almost 20 years to have their first grandchild. They had given up waiting. "Her Royal Highness"'s father never felt that he would be a good father and it wasn't until they were 40 that they had her. She turned out to be the prettiest baby with the most delightful personality. She was born smiling and laughing! She was like the brightest star among all the stars in the night sky! She's absolutely captivating! Her grandparents, especially her grandfather fell head-over-heels in love with her. She's the Golden Child and she's treated like royalty. No. Like a God!

And ever since she came into the world, everything's about her. Can you imagine how that makes us feel? Her grandfather (my husband's father) cares more about "Her Royal Highness" than his own children. Spoiling her with new toys once in a while is pretty acceptable behaviour and rather expected, but what do you think:
- When he goes out and buys a Mac laptop for her so that he could Skype with her whenever he wants to see his golden grandchild?
- When he had decided for her that she should take up golf young and so she could be some golf prodigy even before she's in her teens
- When he wanted to buy her a Stradivarius violin (some of the world's finest, rarest and most expensive violins) just for her to mess around with just incase she turns out to be a child prodigy
- When he goes out to an electronics store and buys her a real Karaoke machine and mic because she loves to sing
- When he went out and bought her an Olympus camera because she occasionally likes to play with her mother's camera?
- When he emails us from Canada asking us to urgently buy her a gift 6 months in advance (it was some stupid musical light lantern)
- When he decided on a restaurant for our family reunion dinner based on the fact that it serves one of the dishes that "Her Royal Highness" likes to eat. Of course none of our opinions matters.
- When he makes us run around town looking for a child booster seat (months in advance might I add) to install into his car for "Her Royal Highness" while she is visiting
- When he expects my brother who lives one state away to come down and look at his car to confirm if the booster seat can be installed into his car (yes, we barrens are unqualified)
- When his daughter asks for an iPod to keep "Her Royal Highness" entertained on the plane, they get one for her
- When he's already set up a trust fund for her (while there's nothing for his own kids)
- When "Her Royal Highness"'s father (whom I shall refer to as "Psycho" crashes his car, good old grandpa goes out and gives them money to buy an upgrade ie a bigger car so that the whole family can sit with the golden child whenever they visit and travel together

So, yes. I'm a tad jealous and spiteful. Am I over reacting? I feel so terrible and guilty for having these feelings. I am such an awful, awful person to feel this way towards an innocent, beautiful child. But every time I look at her or her guzillion photos that adorn my parents-in-law's home (their house is a shrine to her) all I see is the child we can never have, or the love we can never feel in our family.

And what pisses me off even more is why an asshole like "Psycho" can father such a beautiful child, while we can't. They waited till they're almost 40 and decided they wanted one, and they got pregnant, completely au naturel. Just like that! "Her Royal Highness"'s father is hands down the biggest asshole I have ever met. He has a severe inferiority complex and always feels the need to talk down to people. He's often stern and cold. He has the worst temper and abuses his wife verbally (psychologcally and emotionally too). Let me just give you an example: we were picnicking somewhere in Canada (another big family holiday) and he was cooking up some sausages when his wife (whom I shall refer to as B) casually strolls up to him and asks where the bottle of water was. He flares up and yells in a rage at the top of his voice" FUCK "B"! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?" Like she's not worthy of his attention. I mean WTF was that response for? He belittled her and treated her like trash infront of the whole family. And that's not an exception. I see how badly he treats her all the time and she's always walking on eggshells. It's like something out of "The Joy Luck Club" movie. So many times I wanted to go and give him a big slap across his face! He's trailer trash. Literally. His biological father was in the army and he grew up in a trailer park. I mean he's put himself through college and he's pretty smart and all but he's still a white trash asshole deep down inside. I mean, I can understand why my SIL eloped with him-nobody in the family would have given her the blessing to marry him. And just by luck, he gives my in-laws the most beautiful grandchild they could have ever wanted. I'm just so fuckin' pissed! Why does an asshole like him deserve to have a child while we don't?

Uggghh! I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days. They arrive tomorrow and we'll all be off for our beach vacation on Tuesday. And AF sure's coming along with me too make things worse.

So it's CD31. No ovulation - Eggy MIA again. OPKSs been testing negative for 2 weeks now including today. TCM Doc checked my pulse and said "Nothing" which means Big Fat "FAIL" to me. But out of the blue, today my undies got really wet and I found a huge dollop of jelly-like eggwhite CM. What the f"ck is that? TMI warning--We had sex four days ago but could that still be seminal fluid leaking out? How could it be fertile CM so late in a cycle? And even if I do end up ovulating, my lining would be too old for implantation or pregnancy to be viable. Either way, I'm f*cked!

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to come back from Maldives all refreshed and zen, but all I seem to have now is frustration and bitterness. I mean, Maldives was very special, but I guess paradise is just an escape. This hell is my real life.

Mega Update-Get Your Popcorn ready

2010-02-27T14:42:00.000-08:00

Holy crap! It's been two weeks since I last posted here. I'm sorry if you've been visiting my blog and keep finding that same darn old post every time! I have been around. Other people's blogs, that is. Just not here very much! Everyone's else's lives seem much more progressive and interesting... Me? I'm just stuck in a limbo, going around in circles, looking for that elusive miracle doctor who can help me out of this IF rut!

Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary. I can't wait!

We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...

I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me? Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.

He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me? Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!

So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal. Could I be pregnant? I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests) or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.

Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency: he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff! He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I quizzed him about manual acupuncture (no electricity) and why he didn't practice that. Straight away he said that it was very painful and everyone in the clinic would be screaming! "Who would come?" he exclaimed. Okay..... I knew from first hand experience that that was the absolute truth! He explained that manual acupuncture involved twiddling the needle till it hits the bull's eye (The acupuncture point). He said that electro-acupuncture was just as effective. In electro-acupuncture, the acupuncture points are triggered via electricity that is relayed through the needles. I was under the impression that electro-acupuncture was slower and less effective, but according to current research, electro-acupuncture was actually more effective in treating many different conditions and longer-lasting. Ding! Ding!

TCM Doc - 1 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0.

And TCM Doc's electro-acupuncture sure is a hell lot less painful than Dr Yeeeouch! Ding! Ding!

TCM Doc - 2 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0.

I asked hubby: How long will you be willing to continue treatment with Dr Yeeeouch?

DH: Till I reach the stage where I can't take the pain any longer.

Me: "I have reached that stage already!"

DH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

I don't think you'd be surprised if I told you that I've pretty much made up my mind to abandon Dr Yeeeouch. So I'm going back to TCM Doc, at least till I find another one, god-willing!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I've started doing chi gong exercises diligently for up to 2 hours a day, everyday. I learnt a form of healing chi gong from a master many years ago, and I should have taken advantage of this knowledge to help my infertility. But it takes serious discipline. To sit and breathe and think nothing for minimum 30 mins is pure torture for me. And I'm lazy. But now I'm desperate. (BTW, this is much like the chi gong exercise that is recommended in the book "The Infertility Cure"). I am also practicing another form of chi gong-come-meditation exercise that is recommended in the book "The Tao of Infertility". Chi gong is a form of exercise where you harness your body's own chi to heal your body. I can focus the chi on a certain part of my body or set it free to seek out the trouble spots in my body. With the recent exercises, the chi went straight for my kidney point, causing me to sway back & forth uncontrollably. I just find it fascinating that it knows just where I need healing the most. I am hoping that these chi gong exercises will help balance my deficiencies quicker and heal any problems that are contributing to my infertility. At the very least, it should increase the chi and blood circulation around my body. Yup, I have to prime my body up for baby-makin time!

And I've been meaning to tell you that this month is the 1-year anniversary of my one-and-only pregnancy which I eventually lost in March 2009. Finding out that I was pregnant in a small motel room overlooking a cemetery in Fresno after 4 years of TTC wasn't exactly how I imagined I would discover the happy news, but the joy and the awe was certainly real and overflowing. And Bryce Canyon, Utah will forever be filled with bittersweet memories - It remains in my mind a place so fascinatingly beautiful but devastatingly haunted by the memory of my miscarriage. Spookily, I will be leaving for my Maldives vacation on 1st march, exactly the same date that I embarked on my doomed vacation last year. But hopefully, this Maldivian holiday will mark a new chapter for a wonderful and happy beginning for us.

There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-) I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation! But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...

Dr Yeeeouch!

2010-02-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about Dr Yeeeouch!

After a very strange first consultation with him, we decided that we couldn't brush him off based on first impressions. After all, he seemed to be quite deft with needles and acupuncture points, having managed to clear my husband's sinuses with just a couple of pricks. He had given us some herbal medicine to consume over the course of the next few weeks or so, but there wasn't a clear plan of treatment. I was just waiting for an excuse to go back to him, sooner.

That came on the 25th of January, just 3 days after we first met him. Two days prior to my second appointment, I had been having the worst lower back pain. It wasn't a bone thing. And it wasn't my usual radioactive ass-throb, endo-related pain. It was just a very, very bad ache deep inside my body below the waist. I suspected a deficient condition, likely related to the kidneys (think TCM!) My hot water bottle came to the rescue.

Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short, Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief!

I thought it would go away after a day, but the pain continued onto the second day. So I thought, "Right, something is so wrong here. I am going to see the acupuncturist tomorrow". The next day, the pain was gone! Oh crap! I was really looking forward to seeing what acupuncture could do for it. I called up my new acupuncturist, complained to him about the pain in as many chinese words as I knew and said I was coming to see him!

His other clinic wasn't optimally located either as it was again, across town from us in a different direction. But thankfully he was opened till 10pm, so we could avoid rush-hour traffic and mosey on down to his clinic leisurely after dinner. When we arrived, we were greeted by a young woman in a white doctor's coat and ushered straight to the acupuncture beds. We were reminded to take off our shoes at the door-that's how it is at this clinic-shoes off in all the carpeted rooms. Soon our new acupuncturist came to meet us, barefoot. Oh! So that explains his barefootedness when we first saw him. But, he was STILL in short sleeves and shorts! Yes, his top was a buttoned-down, smart-looking collared shirt, and his black shorts did look like the most formal style a pair of shorts could ever look, but that's not the image of a doctor that I am used to. All his other apprentices and students were smartly dressed in white coats and long pants, but he, the master, didn't seem to care. I don't know - maybe it's a chinese thing, but he seems to be saying that he knows who he is, he's secure in his abilities and all he wanted to be was comfortable. And he did come across as quite humble. So lets find out what he can do... I told him about my lower back pain and he motioned me to lie down face down. The bed had a hole for the face like those massage beds.

And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!

He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.

Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!

While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.

Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!

After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!

When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.

Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?

I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.

Oh dear god, help me!

I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!

Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?

My New "Fertility" Acupuncturist

2010-02-10T03:07:00.000-08:00

After conceiving briefly in March last year, I never thought that it would take me so long to conceive again, especially after going through some intense treatments under the same TCM doc who helped get me pregnant. From March 2009 to Jan 2010, we were thousands of dollars poorer, and the score was still a BIG FAT ZERO. I started having doubts about the effectiveness of his treatments. Who knows? Maybe our pregnancy was a fluke?

I desperately wanted to see a TCM physician who specializes in fertility, but nobody I knew who suffered from infertility sought treatment from an acupuncturist or chinese doctor. My husband and I were on a very lonely and quiet road all by ourselves. Only one other TCM physician came to mind which I had found on the internet over a year ago. It was the same doctor that we had considered before settling for our TCM doc we've had the past year. The only reason we did not go to him was that his clinic was located right across town from us which would take 45 minutes to get to. Inconvenience would greatly hinder our motivation to go for treatments especially if we had to go very regularly.

After re-reading his website again which claimed that he was "well known for treating infertility" we knew we had to consider him. But nobody we know has heard of him. We found ourselves back at square one again, asking the same question we did a year ago - Do we go for any old doctor we find on the internet? What if he's a Quack Doctor? But we had no other options. We have not reached the stage where we were comfortable with trying Clomid, or IUIs and IVFs yet. I believe in the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and since I managed to get pregnant au naturel once, I am still convinced that I can do it again. So we decided to give him a shot!

On January 22nd, 1 week back from Boracay and 5 days after our last appointment with our old TCM doc, we went across town to see him. After being greeted by a young man in a white doctor's coat, and ushered straight to an acupuncture bed, we thought he was THE doctor. Good thing we asked for the doctor, which apparently was not him. Within a minute or two, a short, middle-aged, barefoot man in a short-sleeved shirt and shorts appeared. What? You gotta be kidding me? The doctor on the website was dressed in a suit and tie, and presumably shoes too! He explained that he was usually at the other clinic (which we weren't aware of) and that it was a rare occasion that we caught him there. Well, I guess it was his day off. But he proceeded to see us anyway.

So,

ROUND 1 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - First Impressions NOT good!

I proceeded to explain to him why we were there to see him and I found out that he could not really speak English! OH MY GAWD! That's my worst nightmare! He didn't even understand the word "endometriosis". How are we ever going to understand each other? I only knew a smattering of chinese and it took all of me to communicate with him. My husband fared even worse with languages. We ended up speaking in a mixture of 3 languages!

I barely understood him, and I had no idea how to say ovulation, or period, or infertility, or poor sperm motility, or even sex in chinese! These are not the typical terms they teach you for everyday communication when you're learning a language. So what I know wasn't very helpful. At this point, it's pretty useless going up to him and saying in perfect Chinese, "Excuse me, where's the bus stop?" After struggling for some time, he got the gist and I got the gist of my diagnosis, which had something to do with dry heat and weak kidneys. He wrote me a prescription of herbal medicine and gave me a bunch of home-made black ball "herbal candy" to take with the medicine. And he gave DH some black pills to strengthen his sperm. And that was it! No acupuncture for me! And oh! He told us to abstain from sex for 1 month, but he also said I could go ahead and try when I asked him if we should give this month a shot. So I am all confused.

ROUND 2 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - Communication Disaster! NOT good!

Then just before we left he noticed that hubby had a stuffy nose and said that he would treat it for him, free of charge. And that it would be very quick. He pricked a spot between DH's eyes and wiggled the needled a bit. He also pricked another point on his face. And it was all over in less than 30 seconds. DH, was astonished, more because his sinuses magically opened up and drained completely the moment he poked the needle in. He said his blocked sinus was gone in an instant!

ROUND 3 - Ding! Ding! Over!

Conclusion - Maybe he knows something about acupuncture. He's not a Quack Doctor?!?!

When we left we were still clueless about how his treatments were going to unfold. All we knew was that we were to come see him at his other clinic on February 5th. That's 2 weeks on, which is a really long gap, compared to the twice weekly visits I am used to.

I was pretty speechless after our visit with him. It was not what I had expected at all. I really did not know what to think! It was a very difficult session, but I was intrigued, and still desperate. I had to go back and see what else he has to offer.

His clinic does not dispense herbal medicine, so I went to a chinese herbal store and ordered 3 packets to try out his formula first. Well, it was pretty disgusting - after boiling it, what I got was this thick, black, gluggy goo. When the concoction starts to cool, a skin would start to form over it. That's how gross it was! The taste was pretty vile, but still downable. And the black ball "candy" was NOT candy at all! I miss my TCM doc's herbals medicine... :-(

Well, the only consolation was that I only had to drink his herbal medicine every second day!

My next post - Why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!

To Defect Or Not To Defect?

2010-02-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

Its 11DPO and this 2 Week Wait is driving me absolutely CRAZY! I am glad I've got a lot of updating to do on my blog, though I've been spending time on the internet instead obsessing about 2WW symptoms - again! I just never learn do I, even after another year of futile obsessions during the 2WWs of 2009!

As I have hinted, much has changed in my TCM routine this year. For one, I have only seen my regular TCM doc once this year. I felt like we had come to the end of the road with him, especially when the last cycle under his care ended up in me having an anovulatory cycle. In lay terms -

No ovulation = No egg = No chance in hell of conceiving!

So when that happened, it's like,

What's going on here? I'm getting worse!

Because from what I know, and what my Fertility Friend and OPKs tell me, I usually do ovulate every cycle.

I know these things happen occasionally and who can ever be sure why, but it's just easier for me to blame him! Time is ticking... And granted that he did help me get pregnant for the first time in my life last year, there hadn't been anymore pregnancies under his care since my m/c in March '09. I was getting worried. And time is still ticking...

My husband and I had developed a great relationship with him over the year, but he hadn't given us what we wanted. I don't care how many couples he's helped got pregnant since. It's always frustrating to hear about so and so who got pregnant. Everyone he's helped seems to be getting pregnant except us. I had no idea why or what to do. If I hadn't been pregnant under his care I would have left a long time ago, but he did help me get pregnant once naturally, and that was the hold that he had on me. I looked very hard for signs that it was time to move on. After our last visit with him, I pretty much got all the signs I needed.

The First Sign - he hardly showed any concern for our inability to conceive last year. Infact, he suggested that we cool it off and wait for three months instead.

What? You want us to Wait?

I'm thinking, there had better be a damn good reason for this. Turns out, his reason was not based on ovaries or qi or meridiens or hormones, but based completely on his beliefs in the chinese horoscope! He really believed that a baby born in the Year of the Tiger (which starts on Feb 14, 2010) was a really bad match for us, especially for my husband, a "monkey". He said that it would be tough on my husband while the kid's growing up and very tough for our child later trying to grow up under a "monkey" parent. It would be a very difficult relationship. Wow! That really threw me off. I wasn't expecting that at all! We cried out in disbelief but all he kept saying was, "Trust me. Believe in what old people have to say."

Well, that got me really nervous. The chinese horoscope is fun, but I've never taken it seriously. Could our dreams of having a happy family be ruined by the timing of our child's birth? He wanted us to wait 3 months so that our child would be born after the Year of the Tiger. Telling an aging, desperate infertile to wait and do nothing for 3 months is like being banished to hell to suffer for eternity! I had to go and have a consult with Dr Google and see what he says. More on that later.

The Second Sign - I didn't feel like he was focused on our problems anymore. Sure he has dying patients with cancer and life threatening diseases, and babies with brain development problems that are in much dire need of his attention, but I want my TCM doc to treat us like we were his one-and-only most important patient in the world that he would drop everything for! And he was not giving that to us anymore. He was also spending less time in the clinic these days, being more focused on getting his other clinic opened within the next month. He's stretched thin, and his staff never knows when he would be in. I like it when he used to be there 24/7 (seriously - he even works on sundays and public holidays).

He gave us an excuse to disappear. So, (take a deep breath...)

We defected!

We had one last electro-acupuncture with him that session. (By the way, when he pricked that spot over my right ovary, the pain was so intense, my screaming startled him! Yup - either he wasn't careful or something was going on at that acupuncture point!) We got one week's worth of herbal medicine to boil at home and we have not seen him since.

Coming soon... Introducing our new acupuncture fertility specialist...

Dr Yeeeouch!

First Report Card of 2010

2010-02-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

Continuing on from Boracay...

Boracay was rather fun for what it was. You can tell if you looked at me because I put on something like 2-3 kgs when I was there! Yup! There went the TCM diet!

If pregnancy experts gave a demerit point for everything I did or ate wrong, I would have flunked miserably. Well, I didn't care, cos, well,... I had no egg. They're missing! So what pregnancy? Therefore, I absolutely did not care. It was so liberating, having no rules. I guess that's why it was fun! There were milkshakes galore from the island's best fruit milkshake hut (yummmm!) --that means dairy (swoon!) and ice (swoon, swoon!)! Then there were ice-cold cokes. And swimming in icy cold water-- All the cold things that are banned for a woman who is predisposed to having a cold body. Even though Boracay was a balmy 30˚C/86˚F the water was freezing! It was funny watching everyone's reaction when they hit the water! It wasn't just me! So in short Boracay was very bad for my body.

So what has Boracay done to my body? Here comes the report card...

I went to see my usual TCM doc as soon as I got back. He was very impressed with the beautiful photos we took, but he was NOT impressed with me.

"What happened? Why are you so cold? But your Qi is really good though."

I guess there were no surprises there. I sinned. I did evil things. But I was happy! My Qi was happy!

But that got me thinking - If all the acupuncture, and herbal medicine, and moxa that he's given me for the entire past year and 2 months I was with him have not been able to strengthen my body well enough to take 2 weeks of abuse, how good of a doctor is he really? I got pregnant under his care during the first 4 months but it's been a dry 10-month spell since. I was getting impatient and worried. It's no fun celebrating a 1-year anniversary of being with your TCM doc when there are no results. Was it time to move on? Try a different doctor or method perhaps? I had told him last year that we were giving ourselves till March 2010, and then we would consider other options. But I was already itching to move on.

My heart was really heavy with indecision. I truly believed that he's a good TCM physician, but fertility wasn't one of his strong points or specialty. But who do we go to? Nobody I knew knew anyone to recommend. So here we go again. Do we go for an unknown doctor I randomly find on the internet again? I had found another TCM physician who claimed to specialize in fertility on his website. They say they are :

"..well known for treating infertility. Our successes in assisting childless couples to conceive have been one of the most rewarding part of our mission. The tears of joy and happiness in seeing proud 'parents to be' is what makes all our efforts all the more worthwhile."

That was pretty much the clincher for me, the oh-so desperate infertile.

So, the big question now --

Do we defect?

Stay tuned.

We're Back!

2010-02-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

YES! Me and my eggs are back! After what seemed like forever, my eggs which had been MIA since November have finally shown up!

I got a "Woohoo" on CD 18 (27th January)-- It's one of the puuuurtiest lines I have ever seen - on an OPK that is! Sadly, those elusive double HPT lines are still nowhere to be seen though...

Sorry for being MIA myself from the blogosphere for so long. It's been a wonderful break for me mentally. Having been absent here has probably done me quite a lot of good - I found myself obsessing and stressing less about my infertility and my Houdini eggs. But I've really missed you guys - I have so much of catching up to do.

So much time and stuff have passed since my last post. Where do I begin....? First of all, I guess a "Happy New Year" is in order! I can't believe we're already into the second month of the year! I hope everyone has had a great start to the new year and that this will be the year that dreams will be fulfilled for all the IF sisters here.

As for me, I am still trying to come to grips with the awful failure that 2009 was for me. I came into 2010 feeling very, very angry and frustrated. I wasn't feeling like I was given a new start. I wasn't in any mood to make any new resolutions. I wasn't feeling inspired or excited. It basically felt like 2010 was just an on-going, prolonging of 2009's misery. Even the New Year's Eve party I hosted did little to bring any meaning or real joy to my life. I needed to escape from all this misery of unfulfilled TTC goals and desires.

And so escape I did - to Boracay. When I came back from my beach vacation in December (which was at Pangkor Island, a small little island off the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia - for all of you who asked) I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get away again to some island paradise. So in the 2 weeks that I was back, I feverishly did my research and settled for a vacation in beautiful Boracay, an island in the Philippines which is reknowned for it's brilliantly white powdery sand and clear, blue waters, as shown on the internetz.

After the mad dash to make our house look party-ready (and clean!) for the festivities, cooking for two Christmas dinners and one major New Year's Eve party, and doing the dreaded after-party clean-ups, AND planning the whole vacation basically all by myself within those two weeks, I was SO ready to escape to paradise for some R&R! Without any time to rest after New Year's, we packed our bags, spending every waking minute figuring out how to squeeze everything within the 10 kg (22 lbs) limit per person! Wow! What a feat it was! We have never travelled so lightly for an international trip before! On January 3rd, we left the house at 4 (IN THE MORNING!) to catch our flight and be on our way to our well-earned vacay.

Our budget airline (AirAsia, which was surprisingly pretty good) took us to Clark Airbase in Luzon, Phillipines. Getting to paradise wasn't going to be that easy as we had to take another plane to Boracay in the morning from Clark. That meant spending a night in transit. Well, Clark, which is an ex-US airforce base is rather "interesting" to say the least. Angeles, the town around it, has for many years been servicing these army men and had developed quite a thriving sex industry there. Although Clark has been given back to the Philippines and the marines have left, the sex tourism is still there, and ex-marines have been coming back. Thankfully there weren't a lot of babies around - just plenty of sex. Well THAT- an IF sister can handle! Just not the sight of babies and pregnant women.

Everywhere we went, we saw old, fat, balding, (did I mention OLD) white men with YOUNG tiny Filipino girls. And I mean EVERYWHERE- in the hotel, in the streets, in the restaurants! We were the only same-race couple there. Possibly in the whole town! The hotel we booked was rated No.2 by Tripadvisor. Must be pretty decent right? So you can imagine our surprise when we found out that it had a popular lounge that boasted of some 80 sexy girls for "you"!! As you would expect there were more of those dodgy couples all over our hotel, some making out at the poolside, but at least they were generally pretty discreet. Thankfully the walls in our rooms were solid concrete and blocked out any noise. Infact, funnily enough, everything was built out of concrete into the walls - the wardrobe, the dressing table, even the bedside tables-all guaranteed to stay put from any... err.. shall I say "friction". Odd? Wait till you see the "red light".

I was lying in bed when I noticed one red bulb above me placed between 2 normal bulbs. What's that for? Maybe they ran out of regular bulbs? It had its own dedicated switch. Ohhh....! It eventually dawned on me that it was purely for no other reason than for SEX! Yes, we had our own little red light district in our bedroom! LOL!

Maybe it's to warn people outside the windows that the room was getting a little action? Maybe it's suppose to make us feel like prostitutes - a little "dirty" and risque? Maybe it's suppose to make us look sexy with a red glow on our skin???? Well, I can tell you that it felt anything but sexy - it felt like I was in a photo processing darkroom! One thing's for sure, no pregnancies came out of our little red light rendezvous! We can rule out that red light for TTC!

And so we eventually got to Boracay on a little propeller plane. Now that I am back, I am still looking for my little private paradise. Boracay was certainly beautiful when you look out straight ahead into the clear, azure ocean lapping gently on the gorgeous white powder. But look left, and you'll see one million people on the beach. Look right and you'll see another guzillion people on the beach. This is what Boracay really looks like:

It feels like downtown on a patch of sand. The beach is a perpetual foot highway for human migration going to and from the mall (yes there's a mall). And the beautiful postcard colours are visible only morning till noon when the light is behind you. The sunset's gorgeous no doubt. This is paradise for some, but not for me. I am fussy when it comes to finding my perfect beach getaway. My heart is still yearning for a piece of private paradise somewhere. My soul is still looking for a moment of absolute bliss and peace surrounded by perfect beauty. After the past year of TTC failures, my soul needs some healing of sorts and I will continue looking for my sanctuary. It will be a place of uplifting beauty to rest and reconnect with myself and my husband - not with a million people. Though that one night of dancing at the club was really fun! ;-)

Sorry for having morphed this into a travel blog but this was what occupied me for the better part of January 2010!

So stay tuned for more news - ie:

My first TCM diagnosis back after the vacay...
Defecting to another TCM doctor...
New acupuncture horrors...
New drug (herbal) dealer....
Another year older...
And another "Should-I-book-my-vacation-now-or-wait-till-a-BFN-what-if-I'm-pregnant-should-I-travel-especially-after-how-I-lost-my-baby-while-travelling" saga!

Plenty of topics to keep me occupied during my 2WW!

Luv to all you IF sisters out there!

Zengirl

xoxo

PS-It'll take me a while to sort my shit out with all these changes and get back to blogging regularly, but I'll be touching base with your blogs by and by. For all the gals who have had BFPs while I was gone and have brought their babies into the world, my heart is bursting with joy for you - Congratulations! You know who you are! And for those still struggling on the TTC journey with me, keep going! We'll find a way! God bless us and keep us strong!