Thankful

I need to shout a big "THANK YOU" to all the wonderful girls who have been giving me their love, support and encouragement here over the last few days. The gift of your words have consoled me immensely! I never imagined that I would ever find such warmth and support here in blogoland, but I have and it's made my journey through IF a little more bearable. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart!


I am also thankful that today has not turned out to be disasterous, and that I have been able to deal with things a lot better. It must be all the positive energy you've been sending me! Despite having only 2 hours of sleep last night (I have major sleep issues) and seeing the Big Extremely FAT Negative on my Clear Blue HPT (it's got the fattest NEGATIVE line on any pee stick I've ever seen-They know how to rub it in!), and then discovering quite a bit of blood just hours later (Yup-another 25 bucks wasted again!), I have not broken down nor shed a single tear today.   


I am a bit confused though about the bleeding... I am not exactly sure if AF has arrived because it's only 12DPO and that's unusual for me. I needed to use something more protective than a pantyliner and the color was rather shocking. The yeast infection pessary (Canesten) has dissolved and it has mixed with blood into a bright milky red. Just imagine bright red tomato soup that has some cream stirred in. That's exactly what it looks like! (Ooops! Sorry if you're eating right now!) I know that Canesten can make you bleed a little, but If that's bleeding from the Canesten, the amount is quite startling. If it's AF-she's early (maybe someone granted my wish. Hmmm...be careful what you wish for). But the good news is I haven't felt any pain -only a slight pressure for several seconds. I will wait and see. If AF gets fierce, then I'll mark today as CD1.


So why did I POAS on 12DPO? I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant this cycle but I peed on the stick anyway because I wanted confirmation--Confirmation that I didn't need to eat well for a baby and that I could give myself a break AND be as sinful as I liked with food tonight. We had another round of family celebrations for my husband who turned 41 a few days ago, and believe me, I SINNED! Mmmmm...it was so yummy! 


There will be no more crying for me now. I am tired of being sad and tired of being tired! I am so done with this past cycle! The last few weeks have felt like the safety harness on my roller coaster had snapped open and I had been flung out into the arms of death. But I survived and I am back on that roller coaster again! I expect AF (in cahoots with Aunt Endo) might be planning to scare me with some jolts of pain. But I am ready to face it!


(OK-I lied-only sort of! I'm never ready for pain)


I'm eager to put all this crap behind me and look forward to a brand new cycle and another shot at baby. I am gonna enjoy the rest of my weekend and on Monday, I'm gonna charge into my TCM clinic with new vigor! Along the way, I will be sure to make my TCM doc feel a bit guilty too for taking so long to give me my baby! LOL!! Get with the program doc! Haven't you seen my wish list? I want a baby for Christmas!

A Sad Finale

It's CD31 or 13DPO today and I took an early pregnancy test.

It's another Big Fat NEGATIVE!

(Do they have to make that negative line so BIG?)

I should be very, very upset today, but I think I had done all my grieving yesterday. I had been expecting it.

For some strange reason, I am feeling better today, physically. All the strange twinges of pain the past 10 days have gone. I don't feel like there's a rock in my uterus anymore. Even pre-period cramps are not around. Very strange. I feel like they're hiding somewhere waiting to pounce on me any minute! My appetite has returned. No sore breasts. Nothing seems to be going on inside my body now. My body feels completely devoid of... anything. Maybe that's what a big fat "negative" really means.

My spotting has grown heavier. My BBT has been plunging. My body is definitely telling me to stop hoping. Aunt Flo should be here in a day or so, and I am praying it will be a painless visit. At my doc's advice, I will be going in for one last moxa session before the flood gates open. Hopefully, this will decrease the probability or intensity of pain that normally hits me on Days 1-3. I hate being a prisoner of pain. I am looking forward to a dinner appointment on Sunday with some wonderful new friends I made. And I will be devastated if I have to miss that because of pain. Endometriosis has controlled much of my life.

I want my life back!