Please Somebody Give Me A Break!

Hey Gals, for anyone who's been hoping to get pregnant, have you been checking yourself against this list of pregnancy symptoms?

• Breast swelling and tenderness
• Fatigue, lack of energy
• Mood swings
• Decreased alertness, inability to concentrate
• Food cravings
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• Constipation
• Diarrhea
• Headaches

Guess what? These are all PMS symptoms, TOO! 


WTF?


Imagine having to suffer the same symptoms of early pregnancy, and not even have a baby at the end of this?

WTFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!


I guess since yesterday's post, it is apparent that I am still torturing myself with Mad IF Disease! Yes, I am still milling around the "what early symptoms do pregnant women get" section of the interwebs.

Why Oh Why Oh Why do I torture myself like this? (Hey, that sounds kinda familiar...)

Not like I have any of these symptoms -- I just like tormenting myself. It's the effing disease.

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Well, I didn't find "irrational" or "crying fit" on either of the lists which is what I had today, so I would boil it down to Mad IF Disease again! 


You've heard me sing the same tiresome song all month now about how much bad luck I've been having, and poor you--you're about to hear it again! 

Today has just been another horrible day. Things have just not gone my way. I've been in a very irritable mood and every thing from my husband to the choice of restaurant irritated me. And thoughts of another failed cycle overwhelmed me and got the tearducts flowing a bit. Then I gave up the choice of going to the movies so I could go home and boil my herbal medicine. Guess what? I burned the whole freakin' pot of medicine! My husband who was in the kitchen sitting just 5 feet away from the burning pot didn't even check or smell the burning. Now there's a 1-inch thick carbon slab stuck to the bottom of my pot. My husband consoled me and rubbed my shoulders, saying that he could pour some more water in and boil it again. Yeah! Right! And make cancer soup??!

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And I wish I could tell you that the pink spotting I had today was from implantation, but it's bleeding from anti-yeast medication that I carefully navigated up the vahjayjay. After some advice from a friend not to mess with garlic or yogurt, I went and got the Canesten 1-Day pessary. There's tonnes of conflicting data about its safety for women in the first trimester, but after deciding that I must certainly not be pregnant, I went ahead with it. And exactly like it happened last time I used it, I bled. There are so many reports about women having this bleeding after using the Canesten pessary, Canesten still does not want to acknowledge it as a side-effect. 

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So I've had a good cry and I feel better now. Maybe it's the hormones, but this overwhelming sadness of how my life's played out recently have not left me. I'm still waiting for the universe to give me a break. Please somebody, drag me out of this darkness! 

I feel like I need to leave this post on a more positive note. So I want to end this with an image that I made many years ago that says exactly what's in my heart. 

All I need is just a tiny ray of hope.

Mad IF Disease

Today is 10DPO. With Aunt Flo due just around the corner, I have about 4 more days left of driving myself insane with "Mad Cow IF Disease", where I over-analyze, and question, and deliberate on every symptom I have as a pregnancy symptom. The problem is I haven't got any symptoms to deliberate over! And that's what's driving me crazy!

Apart from a few seconds of nausea and giddiness over a couple of days (which could very well have been my over-active imagination), and a slight fever in the evenings, there is absolutely nothing going on in my body which could give me hope. There are no sore boobies or nipples, no strange cravings, no gas, no mood swings whatsoever! I've been strangely.... happy. WAIT---is that a pregnancy symptom?

I've been touching my breasts all day to check if they were sore. I swear I've never touched myself so much before!

Having been quite the drama queen this month with all the jinxes I've had, I told myself that I would keep my cool throughout my 2 Week Wait. It started off well, but I've succumbed to the sadomasochistic pleasures of torture--reading up on all the early pregnancy symptoms women experience before their 2WW was up. Why Oh Why Oh Why do I torture myself like this?

Every time I come across a testimonial about breast symptoms, my heart sinks.

" #DPO - sore nipples..."   OK-SKIP!

" #DPO - breasts sore..."   PASS!

" #DPO - sides of breasts painful..."   NEXT!

I've had to skip so many testimonials that it became clearer and more frustrating to me that I'm just not one of those lucky girls...

However, this "Mad IF Disease" has me clinging on to hope, even in the absence of all symptoms. My logical brain tells me this is completely illogical! It is stupid. Yet I can't wait to go to bed so that I can wake up the next morning and chart my BBT. And hopefully see that there's a jump in my temperature.

My TCM doc read my pulse today and said that my heat and qi levels are good, but there's no baby singing to him yet...  

"@#$%&*!" I thought!

I'm doing well huh, so what the @#$%&*! is wrong?

If I'm not pregnant, I just wish that AF would get here and let me move on with my life. And the least I can hope for is that she will be painless and easy on me this time round... I am so ready to say Good Bye to all that Endo pain. Will I be that lucky this time?