Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

Feelings... Nothing more than.... Feelings...

My TTC journey this month has been filled with mixed emotions. I am not my usual self. Each new cycle used to spark new hope in me, and my passion and enthusiasm are often renewed once AF leaves. Usually, I'm like,

"Alriiiight! C'mon babe. Let's GO!
Let's make a baby!"

I'd be armed with a thermometer and boxes of OPKs. I'd be charging into the TCM clinic and taking every needle they can hit me with like I was going to war! I'd be brewing my herbal medicine and gulping it down like it was the last vial of medicine in the battlefield that was going to save my life! And not forgetting the strategic "Art of War"-like" sex! Wow! Ok, Let's not go there. TMI!

I'm still doing all that, but without that super-hyper crazy cheerleader-voice cheering me on inside my head. Now I feel like a robot set on auto pilot, doing things I have to do because I've been programmed to do it. That fighting spirit in me is noticeably missing.

Maybe it's all the months of BFNs despite undergoing treatment. I really thought that I would be pregnant again by now. Hey - Didn't I conceive within a few months of starting TCM? After 3 months of treatment we tried that one time and we hit the jackpot straightaway! That was easy! So I thought it would be doable again. A piece of cake!

Well, it's been 7 months now since the miscarriage. Not so easy after all. What's going on here????

All my treatments over the months should be culminating into the perfect, fertile, baby-making machine. Right? Far from it! I thought I was reaching my peak, but I had the biggest setback last month. Couple that with my cold, infertile, frosty body, it hasn't given me much reason to hope. I just don't know how to be hopeful. With one BFN after another, my mind has been conditioned to expect yet another BFN.

I think my heart has been numbed by the constant failure. This failure has been especially poignant this month. This would have been the month that my husband and I would have welcomed our beautiful child in our arms, had my pregnancy been successful.

But all I keep finding in my arms are negative pee sticks! F*ck! Hardly a consolation prize!  Instead they're just a sad reminder of the void in our lives.

I feel like such a jumbled mess inside. I can't see out of this thick fog all around me.

But there is a small clearing in the fog. Today my BBT has remained high--I have finally defrosted! My TCM doc told me I am doing good today -  my hormones are "hot" and I am fertile.  This usually kickstarts the cheerleader in me, but she's nowhere to be heard. Because I know it doesn't mean I'm getting a BFP later on.

Despite the good news, I remain numb...though I can't deny there's a glimmer of hope.

I recently adopted a mascot for hope. Meet Mr. Tiger...

I confess - I didn't really adopt him. It was more like I "stole" him from my nephew. Yes, this loving auntie bought her 3 yr old nephew an adorable soft toy. But she had second thoughts and decided she wanted to keep it instead. So she denied her nephew this cute little fella! Eeek!

Now, I'm not the girly-girl type who collects soft toys and decorates her car and room with mountains of these soft squishy things. But for some reason, I was really attached to Mr. Tiger. I am really fond of it. I just feel like he belongs with me. Perhaps it reminds me of the presence of a child that will one day fill our lives. Deep inside, I still believe that I will conceive naturally and bring a child into our lives. And one day, I will pass him on to my beautiful little baby.

So that's my little Tiger of Hope. Hear him ROAR!

Hot Bods & Pimples

I've had 4 moxa (moxibustion) sessions todate and boy! Am I burnin' up! It seems that my body has been responding so well to this heat treatment that pimples have broken out on my face! In fact that was the first thing my TCM doctor so very kindly pointed out to me when he saw me today! How sweet! He attributed that to the moxa because for me, an occasional pimple every now and then is normal-5 overnight is not! And it's not just the pimples - my body felt like an overheated nuclear reactor. I've had to throw off the blanket last night and crank up the a/c because I was so hot. It felt like I could fry an egg on my body! I am not sure how far I've got to take this, but I will just have to put my trust in my doctor, who is monitoring me closely. He says I should push on with the moxa.

So today, I had my 4th moxa. This moxa thing may sound like some hocus-pocus waving of a burning wand over my needle-pricked body, but its effects are surprisngly real. I've had 2 unusual experiences during today's session that convinced me that the moxa has opened up my energy channels - once my doctor had inserted all the acupuncture needles, my bed started to sway. It felt like 2 people were bumping the foot and head of my bed back and forth, back and forth. I thought - "Oh no! Earthquake? The building is swaying!" So I extended both my arms outwards and braced myself against the walls (the private room was quite narrow) to stop the bed from swaying, but the swaying didn't stop. It was then that I realized that the sensation was occurring from inside my body. The needles had triggered the circulation of Qi or energy up and down my body. So the surging of the energy made me sway! It was quite an amazing feeling! No one else said they felt the building swaying, so it must have been all me.

The second unusual experience I had was the burning sensation I had on the back and left side of my waist. I had just completed the 50-minute moxa and acupuncture session, and was walking around when I felt it. Immediately I asked the doctor about it and he explained that the moxa had opened up the channels and hormonal glands in my kidney. Well, it made sense because that burning was where the kidney's located. Apparently, my other kidney is still asleep...