I am constantly amazed at what my TCM doc is able to read from just my pulse alone. My heart has been very heavy the past few days, dealing with my annovulation this cycle. I didn't want to reveal my sadness and stress to him because it was the exact opposite of what he told me to do. So when he asked "How do you feel today?", I basically told him that there had been no change since my last visit with him 4 days ago. Then he proceeded to read my pulse with his fingers. He spent quite a long time pressing his three fingers down on my wrist in different pressures and combinations. And he checked and checked again.
Puzzled, he asked,
"Why are you thinking so HARD? You're very stressed. Think SOFTLY..."
"What do you mean think softly?" I asked.
He explained that I had been concentrating too hard. Well, I knew exactly what he actually meant because I have been weighing myself down with so many negative and intense thoughts. He gave me an example (with great animation I must add) - You could chop wood with great urgency and aggression, worrying about how quickly you can finish the job, or you could chop wood leisurely at half the speed singing "London Bridge is falling down..." He said that I have to do things with a light and happy approach.
Well, I don't know how well I can apply that to my life all the time, but his diagnosis about my mood and psychological state with just his three fingers blew me away! Eeek! I feel so naked! I can't hide anything from him! He counselled me some more about the importance of nurturing my hormones with happiness and romance and I nearly broke into tears! I just felt so overwhelmed by what I should be doing as opposed to what I had been doing. Amazingly, after half hour of electroacupuncture, the sadness and heaviness went away...
Later when I went to the movies for a date night with DH, I found a dollop of egg white CM when I went to the loo (Yes-Mine-Not someone else's I randomly found on the floor or at the sink!) After all this time, I was still fertile? Suddenly I felt hopeful again! I could still ovulate and get a BFP this cycle. Never mind what I said yesterday about implantation on an old lining etc... I saw hope today and that's just what I want to hang on to.
Goodbye negative thoughts!
Goodbye worries!
Goodbye stress!
Hellooooooo hope!
And I intend to hang on to this as long as I can and go on my vacation with this renewed hope. I plan to spend my 2WW in bliss and hope and romance. No OPKs or thermometers! Yes-Ignorance is bliss! I even managed to walk past two pharmacies today without buying anymore OPKs! I am in a much better place today! A sense of calm and happiness has crept back into my heart.
Hmmm.... I wonder if it really was a good omen when Zoey brought me Mr Tiger (my mascot for hope) yesterday???...Do-do-do-do-do-doooooooo..... (to the tune of X-files)......
Showing posts with label fertile. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fertile. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Feelings... Nothing more than.... Feelings...
My TTC journey this month has been filled with mixed emotions. I am not my usual self. Each new cycle used to spark new hope in me, and my passion and enthusiasm are often renewed once AF leaves. Usually, I'm like,
"Alriiiight! C'mon babe. Let's GO!
Let's make a baby!"
Let's make a baby!"
I'd be armed with a thermometer and boxes of OPKs. I'd be charging into the TCM clinic and taking every needle they can hit me with like I was going to war! I'd be brewing my herbal medicine and gulping it down like it was the last vial of medicine in the battlefield that was going to save my life! And not forgetting the strategic "Art of War"-like" sex! Wow! Ok, Let's not go there. TMI!
I'm still doing all that, but without that super-hyper crazy cheerleader-voice cheering me on inside my head. Now I feel like a robot set on auto pilot, doing things I have to do because I've been programmed to do it. That fighting spirit in me is noticeably missing.
Maybe it's all the months of BFNs despite undergoing treatment. I really thought that I would be pregnant again by now. Hey - Didn't I conceive within a few months of starting TCM? After 3 months of treatment we tried that one time and we hit the jackpot straightaway! That was easy! So I thought it would be doable again. A piece of cake!
Well, it's been 7 months now since the miscarriage. Not so easy after all. What's going on here????
All my treatments over the months should be culminating into the perfect, fertile, baby-making machine. Right? Far from it! I thought I was reaching my peak, but I had the biggest setback last month. Couple that with my cold, infertile, frosty body, it hasn't given me much reason to hope. I just don't know how to be hopeful. With one BFN after another, my mind has been conditioned to expect yet another BFN.
I think my heart has been numbed by the constant failure. This failure has been especially poignant this month. This would have been the month that my husband and I would have welcomed our beautiful child in our arms, had my pregnancy been successful.
But all I keep finding in my arms are negative pee sticks! F*ck! Hardly a consolation prize! Instead they're just a sad reminder of the void in our lives.
I feel like such a jumbled mess inside. I can't see out of this thick fog all around me.
But there is a small clearing in the fog. Today my BBT has remained high--I have finally defrosted! My TCM doc told me I am doing good today - my hormones are "hot" and I am fertile. This usually kickstarts the cheerleader in me, but she's nowhere to be heard. Because I know it doesn't mean I'm getting a BFP later on.
Despite the good news, I remain numb...though I can't deny there's a glimmer of hope.
I recently adopted a mascot for hope. Meet Mr. Tiger...
Maybe it's all the months of BFNs despite undergoing treatment. I really thought that I would be pregnant again by now. Hey - Didn't I conceive within a few months of starting TCM? After 3 months of treatment we tried that one time and we hit the jackpot straightaway! That was easy! So I thought it would be doable again. A piece of cake!
Well, it's been 7 months now since the miscarriage. Not so easy after all. What's going on here????
All my treatments over the months should be culminating into the perfect, fertile, baby-making machine. Right? Far from it! I thought I was reaching my peak, but I had the biggest setback last month. Couple that with my cold, infertile, frosty body, it hasn't given me much reason to hope. I just don't know how to be hopeful. With one BFN after another, my mind has been conditioned to expect yet another BFN.
I think my heart has been numbed by the constant failure. This failure has been especially poignant this month. This would have been the month that my husband and I would have welcomed our beautiful child in our arms, had my pregnancy been successful.
But all I keep finding in my arms are negative pee sticks! F*ck! Hardly a consolation prize! Instead they're just a sad reminder of the void in our lives.
I feel like such a jumbled mess inside. I can't see out of this thick fog all around me.
But there is a small clearing in the fog. Today my BBT has remained high--I have finally defrosted! My TCM doc told me I am doing good today - my hormones are "hot" and I am fertile. This usually kickstarts the cheerleader in me, but she's nowhere to be heard. Because I know it doesn't mean I'm getting a BFP later on.
Despite the good news, I remain numb...though I can't deny there's a glimmer of hope.
I recently adopted a mascot for hope. Meet Mr. Tiger...
I confess - I didn't really adopt him. It was more like I "stole" him from my nephew. Yes, this loving auntie bought her 3 yr old nephew an adorable soft toy. But she had second thoughts and decided she wanted to keep it instead. So she denied her nephew this cute little fella! Eeek!
Now, I'm not the girly-girl type who collects soft toys and decorates her car and room with mountains of these soft squishy things. But for some reason, I was really attached to Mr. Tiger. I am really fond of it. I just feel like he belongs with me. Perhaps it reminds me of the presence of a child that will one day fill our lives. Deep inside, I still believe that I will conceive naturally and bring a child into our lives. And one day, I will pass him on to my beautiful little baby.
So that's my little Tiger of Hope. Hear him ROAR!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
SuperGirl Egg Whites
Talking about what comes out of my va-jay-jay isn't exactly what everybody is dying to hear, nor is it quite socially appropriate. But what I had last night was so spectacular, I can't not write about it!
If Supergirl was ever real and had cervical mucous, I think what I discharged last night would be exactly it! So after doing the "deed" with DH, and propping up my hips for 15 minutes - you know, doing all the stuff desperately TTC women do, I went to the toilet to pee. After wiping with a wad of TP, I let go the TP without looking. But strangely, it felt like it was still stuck to the va-jay-jay. I looked down. Huh? No TP there. But it still felt like something was hanging off me. I looked again. Then I saw the wad of toilet paper hovering midway above the water. What? What's going on here? So I retrieved the hovering TP and noticed that it was connected to me with some kind of superglue! I wiped the "glue" off me and had a good look. Holy Moly! That stuff just came out of my va-jay-jay! It was absolutely translucent and glossy with a slight yellow tint, exactly the way egg whites look. EXACTLY! Except that it was so strong, sticky and super-stretchy that it could be pulled to a length of 4-5 inches long! I was blown away! I have never seen anything like it coming out of my cha-cha! It was unbelievable. I even checked with DH and asked if it was "his"! He doubted it. So did I.
Well, unless there's a strange chemical reaction that happened when we were doing the "deed", my only conclusion is that that was all me! Ahh! So that is why they call the fertile CM egg white! It really looks like it! I know I sound like an extremely clueless, naive girl, but with the sorts of hormonal & menstrual problems I've had through my life, I guess I've never been normal. And all that acupuncture and herbs and moxa must have made me normal! Now I'm beginning to feel like a REAL woman!
And those super egg whites came at the right time because I should be ovulating any day now. It's CD18 and the egg should hatch around CD19 (fingers crossed). I've been peeing on the OPK obsessively and is seeing the second line appear very slowly. Yay! I think my LH surge is coming, followed by the egg hopefully! So my DH and I have changed our TTC strategy a bit. We will try and increase our chances of conception by having all his soldiers ready up there and waiting for the egg to break loose - instead of going nuts like rabbits only when we see the surge. So we're starting early. Who knows how long it'll take his soldiers to make the big swim - they aren't exactly marathon olympic champion swimmers!
Anyway, here are some pictures. No - not of my egg white hanging off my cha-cha, you perverts! LOL! Here's an update of my Frankensteinian arm, taken today when the dressing was changed, with the stitches still in. Although there hasn't been any noticable progress, my skin is STILL alive. Woohoo!
Here are the cuts covered in gauze and antiseptic cream. The yellow stains on my arm are the side-effects from the local anesthetic:
And here's the arm all bundled up neat and nice. So you can never see how badly I'm itching in there!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Fertility Rules Are Meant To Be Broken
There is often a point of contention between my TCM doc and me over my methods of pin-pointing ovulation or my most fertile window.
"Throw away your thermometer!"
"Forget charting your fertile days!" my TCM doctor would say to me!
Having been brought up with a western approach to fertility ie: faithfully charting BBTs daily, peeing on ovulation predictor kits, etc, his advice shocked me to say the least! It goes against everything I believed about helping yourself increase your chances of success with conception. His explanation was,
"It doesn't work like this."
"HUH?"
I sat there stunned as he told me that sex could actually trigger ovulation, regardless of which Cycle Day you're on. He went on to explain that your mind and emotions can be so strong that it can have a physiological effect on your body. Simply put- if you're hot and horny, your hormones and qi are raging so much that it could trigger the release of an egg! This sounded too Twilight Zone to me! But he went on to explain that it was the reason why even young kids who have sex during their periods, even before their ovulation date, could get pregnant so easily.
Well, strange and bizarre as it may seem, I think perhaps that there is some truth to it. My mother's own personal account of how she conceived me seems to back up his theory. Most grown-ups never want to hear from their parents how they made us (too much information-Eeew!) but I'm sorta glad my mom told me about her experience. She told me that she knew precisely the moment at which she conceived me, which was at her (and my dad's) point of orgasm. (Too much information right?) During her climax, she felt the egg being released and she knew at that point that she conceived. It wasn't a hunch - she just knew it. She believes that her climax had triggered her ovulation! Perhaps my TCM doc isn't too far-fetched with his theories!?!
He also does not subscribe to the idea that a woman is infertile after her ovulation is over. When I mentioned to him recently that I had already O'd and that I was now waiting to find out if I conceived, he told me to keep trying. But, BUT... My fertile window is already over! I told him that I had read that the egg would only last 24 hours, and sperm a few days only. His other "It doesn't work like this" speech came out.
He explained that women/men who are undergoing fertility treatment with him are much more fertile and do not fall into the norm. He also talked about how the information we have from results quantified my lab tests do not always reflect real life conditions, nor do they consider other variable factors. So a woman's window for conception can actually be much longer if she is extremely fertile. One case that comes to mind is a fellow IF sister who managed to conceive even though she ovulated 9 days after she last had sex with her husband! Many left her comments saying that she was basically nuts for believing that, and that she miscalculated her O date. But she retorted that she knew her body very well, and that was what happened exactly. She had problems with PCOS and IF but with the help of TCM, she got pregnant and had just delivered a healthy baby boy! When I related this amazing story to my TCM doc, he said it was indeed possible. Her husband's sperm was very strong and she was so fertile (with sperm-friendly CM I assume) that his sperm was able to survive for so many days!
So all my preconceived ideas about fertility have flown out the window--or are at least hanging half-way out the window now. TCM treats the human body in its totality. Our minds, our emotions and bodies are intertwined with each other and impact our health more ways than we realize. As for my TCM doc's advice to me... Well, he told me that some of my problems, like my underperforming libido are in my mind, because my body is physically sound. He told me to go back and rekindle the kind of love and excitement I felt when my DH and I were courting. And that should get my hormones raging a bit. Now that's one advice I am happy to take!
Now that you know what I know, doesn't it feel like you've been transplanted onto another planet- which is neither Mars nor Venus? It's pretty incredible stuff! What do you make of all this?
"Throw away your thermometer!"
"Forget charting your fertile days!" my TCM doctor would say to me!
Having been brought up with a western approach to fertility ie: faithfully charting BBTs daily, peeing on ovulation predictor kits, etc, his advice shocked me to say the least! It goes against everything I believed about helping yourself increase your chances of success with conception. His explanation was,
"It doesn't work like this."
"HUH?"
I sat there stunned as he told me that sex could actually trigger ovulation, regardless of which Cycle Day you're on. He went on to explain that your mind and emotions can be so strong that it can have a physiological effect on your body. Simply put- if you're hot and horny, your hormones and qi are raging so much that it could trigger the release of an egg! This sounded too Twilight Zone to me! But he went on to explain that it was the reason why even young kids who have sex during their periods, even before their ovulation date, could get pregnant so easily.
Well, strange and bizarre as it may seem, I think perhaps that there is some truth to it. My mother's own personal account of how she conceived me seems to back up his theory. Most grown-ups never want to hear from their parents how they made us (too much information-Eeew!) but I'm sorta glad my mom told me about her experience. She told me that she knew precisely the moment at which she conceived me, which was at her (and my dad's) point of orgasm. (Too much information right?) During her climax, she felt the egg being released and she knew at that point that she conceived. It wasn't a hunch - she just knew it. She believes that her climax had triggered her ovulation! Perhaps my TCM doc isn't too far-fetched with his theories!?!
He also does not subscribe to the idea that a woman is infertile after her ovulation is over. When I mentioned to him recently that I had already O'd and that I was now waiting to find out if I conceived, he told me to keep trying. But, BUT... My fertile window is already over! I told him that I had read that the egg would only last 24 hours, and sperm a few days only. His other "It doesn't work like this" speech came out.
He explained that women/men who are undergoing fertility treatment with him are much more fertile and do not fall into the norm. He also talked about how the information we have from results quantified my lab tests do not always reflect real life conditions, nor do they consider other variable factors. So a woman's window for conception can actually be much longer if she is extremely fertile. One case that comes to mind is a fellow IF sister who managed to conceive even though she ovulated 9 days after she last had sex with her husband! Many left her comments saying that she was basically nuts for believing that, and that she miscalculated her O date. But she retorted that she knew her body very well, and that was what happened exactly. She had problems with PCOS and IF but with the help of TCM, she got pregnant and had just delivered a healthy baby boy! When I related this amazing story to my TCM doc, he said it was indeed possible. Her husband's sperm was very strong and she was so fertile (with sperm-friendly CM I assume) that his sperm was able to survive for so many days!
So all my preconceived ideas about fertility have flown out the window--or are at least hanging half-way out the window now. TCM treats the human body in its totality. Our minds, our emotions and bodies are intertwined with each other and impact our health more ways than we realize. As for my TCM doc's advice to me... Well, he told me that some of my problems, like my underperforming libido are in my mind, because my body is physically sound. He told me to go back and rekindle the kind of love and excitement I felt when my DH and I were courting. And that should get my hormones raging a bit. Now that's one advice I am happy to take!
Now that you know what I know, doesn't it feel like you've been transplanted onto another planet- which is neither Mars nor Venus? It's pretty incredible stuff! What do you make of all this?
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