The End Has Come

It is official:

Another cycle has bitten the dust. It's CD1 today.

I started feeling really tired and crampy yesterday. Thinking that some exercise would do me some good, you know, get the blood circulation going a bit, I managed to drag myself to the gym and came home to find that I had begun to spot. I knew that the end was near.

Today the pain started to get quite bad. I hadn't felt such pain in a while. I hadn't taken any Fibrovan since I last ran out about a month back. Maybe it did help with the pain while I was on it. Thankfully I had some of Dr.NeverGiveup's amazing TCM pain herbal medicine and took that. Within half an hour, the pain had subsided to a manageable level. Within a few hours, the flow started going. It was at that point that I began to feel relief. It was as if my ute was cramping hard trying to expel the lining, causing me pain, but once it started shedding, it started to ease up. Before, I used to cramp all the time, consistently for a few days. The difference now is that the cramping has decreased and is more focused. Every time I get a round of cramps, I can understand specifically what my body is trying to do now. And it's amazing how quickly my ute eases off once some blood is shed. A direct cause and effect. The relief is almost immediate! That's pretty amusing to me!

I'm glad this lousy cycle has finally come to an end. The good news is that I actually produced follicles much earlier this past cycle, and that my cycle has shortened to 35 days. The bad news is that I didn't actually ovulate.

Goodbye Ms.RJ1. You're like a guest who has overstayed your welcome. Hope you're gone!

Monster Egg

Ms.RJ1 has turned into a MONSTER!

Today she measured in at 30mm!!! WTF? That's about 1 1/4 inch in diameter!

Apparently she found my ovary too comfortable and did not want to leave! The u/s scan showed that she's looking a bit whitish, which means that she will not ovulate. She is turning into a cyst, which will hopefully dissolve eventually (keeping my fingers crossed).

Dr.Never GiveUp came to a few conclusions about my state:

THE BAD:

I have Luteinizing Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS of LUF) which may be caused by 2 things:

1. Insufficient luteinizing hormone (LH) to trigger ovulation. LH is produced by the pituitary gland, therefore this may point to a problem with my pituitary gland
2. There is a problem in the quality of my egg (Surprise!Surprise!) whereby the "shell" may too tough for the egg to break through, even with sufficient LH

Dr.Never GiveUp noted that I did show a LH surge in my OPK, and from his years of experience, feels that the problem usually does not lie with LH production, but more towards the egg quality. He told me not to worry as he had many patients with this problem and that his chinese herbal medicine (TCM) will help in my case. He said that it is not possible to treat the pituitary gland so to speak, but he will continue to concentrate on improving egg quality.

My lining has thickened to 18mm which means that I should expect AF within the next few days.

THE GOOD:

"At least you're producing eggs!" His exact words. Whoopee???

The Itch Bitch is gone! Good riddance!

I am super horny again. And I am producing abundant clearish cervical mucous (CM), which is very strange to me during this part of the cycle. I know it couldn't possible be fertile CM since Ms.Monster is way past her fertile peak already. I asked Dr.Never GiveUp about the CM and he explained that a healthy woman typically produces 2 types of clear CM: estrogen mucous around ovulation, and progesterone mucous a few days before her period. Her sex drive will also peak around these times. Well, no wonder I'm so horny! He asked me if I my sex drive increased during these times. Since I am producing the progesterone mucous now, he would know that I was horny! I was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I told him it did, where previously I did not have this pre AF symptom. This means that my body is actually improving with all these subtle signs. Good to know that something is working!

Ms. RJ1

It looks like eating all that snotty looking bee-spit@royal jelly might be doing my eggs some good after all! I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp says I have 1 follicle growing on my left ovary! 

Its about 14mm big, and looks round and distinct. I am calling her Ms.RJ1 (Royal Jelly One).

He was very excited, saying it was a beauuuuutiful egg. He has not seen me having one this beautiful since I've come to see him. He even called Dr.Don'tWorry in to have a look. She was all smiles. "It's wonderful!" she tells me. They both looked really very pleased! 

I think they like marveling at what royal jelly has been doing for their patients. Dr.NeverGiveUp assured me that the combination of his chinese herbal medicine and royal jelly is very, very effective.

I am so happy! I am glad that all that gagging, nose-pinching, gargantuan effort to swallow this foul, expensive bee-spit twice daily is finally paying off! I don't know if the egg will develop any further but so far, this is a good sign, considering it's CD17, which is a reasonable track record for me. 

A follicle can grow up to 2mm a day and it's usually primed to be released when it's about 18mm. So we are having timed intercourse on Sunday night, and going in to have another scan of the follicle on Monday, CD20. I don't expect a BFP so soon, but hopefully, I'm on the road to super fertility! 

My Latest Super Fertility Treatment

Well, it's a good thing that my hormones are on the road to recovery cos my eggs are still damn messed up. They're still doing the houdini act on me. Two days ago, there were 2 follies - one at 12mm, the second at 13mm. Today, they have disappeared!


WTF?

Dr.NeverGiveUp said that they had dissolved?!??? So the next dominant follicle I have growing now is at 8mm. And it's already CD23. Sigh! It's going to be a looooooooooooooooong road to ovulation, if at all.

Since my eggs are still underperforming, Dr.NeverGiveUp said,

"I think it's time to share with you this new treatment that I have."

My heart skipped a beat! WOW! If you remember, I was super excited when I first heard about it this new mysterious treatment. Finally this miracle cure (at least in my head it is) will be revealed to me! So he goes on and tells me that it's.......................................
.............................................................................. Royal Jelly.

Reaction No.1 :
Royal Jelly? OMG! That's what I have always wanted to try!

Reaction No.2 :
What? That's it? But every woman who's been desperately TTC already know about this!!!


Of course I didn't say all that to him, but that was what I was thinking loudly in my head. On the outside, I was cool as a cucumber and patiently listened to him explain why.

Apparently scientists to date still do not know what exactly it is inside royal jelly that is so good for us. There's all sorts of nutritious stuff inside and is used for all sorts of ailments. Royal jelly is actually a substance secreted by the glands of worker bees, and fed in tremendous amounts to baby bees (larvae) to transform them into super egg-laying machines @ the Queen Bee. This stuff is so amazing that it makes it possible for the queen bee to lay eggs up to a total of 4 times her own weight - per day! WIth this stuff, she also outlives normal bees by almost 7 years.

In Dr.NeverGiveUp's clinical trials, it has proven to be very effective as his patients have produced amazingly beautiful eggs. He says that the effects may start to show up 6-7 weeks into taking royal jelly, though I can experience it's benefits as early as 2-3 weeks into it.

For the purpose of increasing fertility, the normal dosage recommended for health maintenance is not sufficient, so I am to take 1 teaspoon twice a day. What I am taking is frozen fresh royal jelly, the pure stuff which he has sourced directly from the bee farmer. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that there are heaps of royal jelly products available on the market but what he's sourced has proven to be good in quality and effective. This small little bottle costs me $100 and will last me about a week.

As for the taste, I thought it would just be like honey. WRONG! It is possibly the grossest thing I have ever tasted in my life. Worse than all the black, muddy chinese herbal potions I have had to take. First of all, the appearance is so off-putting: it looks like snot! And the taste is so horrendous I can't even describe it. It leaves an awful lingering aftertaste, even after downing it with ice-cream and water. I call this my Bee Spit. So now I'm taking this on top of all my usual TCM pill regime.

Anyway, let's just see what happens. In 2-7 weeks, hubs reckon I may just grow into a big, fat organism as big as a room, immobile and loaded with eggs. Har. Har.

Good Golly Gosh Great Hormones!

I got my CD4 blood work back and the results were fantastic!

My FSH level was really good at 5.7.

My estradiol and progesterone levels were on the low end but still within the normal range.

And my testosterone levels have come down! It was previously at 0.86 prior to Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment, but it is at 0.5 now (normal range is 0.14-0.76). 

This is truly amazing because there is no treatment in western medicine that can lower women's testosterone! 

I finally have conclusive proof that TCM works for balancing hormones in women! And all I took were chinese herbal pills! Which had no side-effects! And it worked within 3 months for me! This is fabulous news for women who are suffering from infertility due to whacky hormones (PCOS comes to mind too).

Unfortunately not all TCM doctors are at the same calibre as Dr.NeverGiveUp for treating infertility, as I have learned from my own experience. My one and a half years with "TCM doc" with twice-weekly electrified prickings (electro-acupuncture), daily torture of drinking herbal sludge and the occasional fire-play over my meridien points (moxibustion) have done little to help me. I knew I needed a better doctor and it was hard looking for a good one. But I think I finally found my dream TCM doctor! I believe I'm finally on the road to fertile wellness!

Anyway, on that same visit, I decided to ask him why I was feeling so hot (I left out the "and horny" part). He checked my pulse and looked at my tongue and said that I was not heaty. I was feeling that way because of my hormones - 

"You're young again!" 

I couldn't help but laugh at that. I told him that I've been getting zits again. And he says that my hormones are working again. Well he got that right! My sex drive is like through the roof. I told him it's like I'm going through puberty again! He thought that was really funny.

My comatosed libido has finally been CPR-ed back to life and it feels amazing! Age and fervent-but-futile TTC attempts have sucked the fun out of sex. So it's wonderful to have that desire back and to have sex just for the pure fun of it. Unfortunately, I think I am borderline nymphomaniac now! Does having sex 6 times in the last 7 days sound excessive??? Especially when I am not even ovulating yet?

Well, if I haven't been blogging much, you can guess why! ;-) 

Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

Sales and Sex

Hi there!

Zengirl's back. Anyone miss me? Haha! I don't think so. 

I cannot believe that it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. Time flies when you've been shopping! 

You heard right folks! I've been on retail therapy. We went to Singapore for some R&R which turned out to be a serious shopping marathon. Has anyone told you that the country is just one huge giant shopping mall? Everything you need from ATMs to restaurants to nail salons are all reachable by foot in a giant network of malls and interconnecting walkways.  It seems that every subway train you take exits into a mall. And each mall is connected to another mall via some underground air-conditioned walkway. You can literally spend all of your time inside buildings during your entire stay there, not breathe the outside air, or see the sky. You would never know if there was a hurricane outside or if there was an alien invasion. You never have to step outdoors! Ever! 

One day, you might surface outside, a little dazed, exhausted, with lots of shopping bags in your hands and random thoughts like "Wow! I finally got out!" and "Ahhh! So this is real air...." and "So, this is what the outside looks like!" swim around your head while you try and re-orientate yourself. And because it's the "Great Singapore Sale", an actual event that hits the island country like it's a religious event, you're wondering if you could possibly be missing out on more shops with orgasmic sales. And with that thought, you're ready to go back into the labyrinth of malls with your last extended credit on your plastic.  

And I did. And I shopped till I dropped! Some of the sales were indeed fantastic! I got a few dresses and skirts for 75% off and 2 pairs of jeans for 50% off. I even bought some hiking shoes! Right! Like I'm going hiking anytime soon!!!

And when I got home, somehow the shopping fever stuck. The summer sales have just begun here and I picked up some more stuff! My favorite purchase over the weekend was a green handbag which I spotted last minute on the way to the cashier when the store was closing! And it's not over! Just a few hours ago, I bought a huge black leather hobo bag online that I can carry my entire life in! I swear--I am not high maintenance! Not usually! 

I haven't splurged on myself like this for yonks! And it feels damn good! I have been theraparized!

On the IF front, things haven't been very exiting. In fact it has been darn slow and dull. 

It's CD28 and I still haven't ovulated. It's going to be one of them long drawn-out cycles. Today, Dr.Don'tWorry could only see 4 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right. They're all very small still but one is emerging to be a dominant one on the left. My doctors don't seem to want to acknowledge that I have long cycles because they've been ordering us to boink like we were ovulating everyday, since CD11, whether there are eggs or not! I haven't had so much sex in months! And it's not like we can get out of it because we are expected to report back to them whether we followed their boinking schedule or not (which they chart in their records)! I suppose we could miss out on some scheduled nights, but I didn't want them to think that we're not doing all we can to get pregnant! Since we're supposed to be so desperate! And we left the clinic today with more "homework"-Last night we had sex, and we're to do it again tonight and Thursday.

And that's how it is with this TCM clinic. I eat their herbal pills, take my BBT and have sex:

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex  x 10,000,000,000,000,000!

And Dr.NeverGiveUp has been trying to convince me that this method works. During my last visit, he made it a point to tell me that the patient who went in just before me was already pregnant-Aged 39 like me, after 2 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. (No wonder she was all smiles and had a spring to her walk when she came out). And he also said another patient also just found out she was pregnant after 8 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 5 years. Thanks doc. Just rub it in!

And today, he did the same thing. As soon as I sat down, he broke out the "good" news that a patient got pregnant after 4 months in the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. Frustrated, I said to him, "Perhaps it was easier for her because she doesn't have the kinds of problems I have." I half expected him to agree with me but he did not. He replied that when it comes to infertility, it is very hard to say... How big our problems are do not always correlate with the length of time it takes to get pregnant. Some women with very simple problems could take a very long time to get pregnant, yet those with complex problems sometimes get pregnant within a matter of a few months!

Well, I am relieved to hear that. We infertiles wrack our brains and tear our hair out month after month wondering why we're not getting pregnant, even after doing everything right. But the truth is, even doctors don't really know everything. So, never let any doctor give you an ultimatum or stop you from thinking that you can get pregnant. They are not in the position to do so because simply - they just don't know every darn thing and intricate process that's going on inside your body! There may be obstacles, but doctors do not have absolute control of the fate of your fertility. Even though things may look bleak or tough, the miracle of pregnancy can still happen. Don't let anybody tell you or decide for you that you can't . 

Girls, Never, Never Give Up!

Staying Positive While Popping Pills

I spent the last few days drowning myself in a million pills that are supposed to help me get through AF. I've been taking:

                                                +

The top pic shows my usual daily onslaught of TCM meds. The bottom pic shows what I took in addition to it for AF pain and gastritis (which always seem to accompany AF pain without fail). Doesn't the amount look just insane?

There was no pain on CD1 (yay!) but the pain came on CD2 and 3. It wasn't too bad, and I suppose I could have handled the pain without meds since I've suffered a lot worse before, but I copped out. Initially I thought I could rough it out so that I could assess my true condition. Hubs thought it was a good idea too. But uhm...Nope-I didn't feel too much like being a hero. I am just not a fan of pain! Those extra meds were a great friend to me for those two days. The flow was a bit heavy on the 2nd and 3rd day, but at least it wasn't like Niagara Falls. It's now CD5 and it feels like someone has just started to turn off the tap.

So why do I like to document all this and gross you out with all my AF symptoms? Because in TCM, it's recognized as an effective gauge on how well you're doing. If your hormones, energy and blood circulation are good, and there are no uterine abnormalities, you should have a perfect period: one that bleeds bright red straight away, moderate volume, no clots, no pain, and lasts 5-7 days without any spotting before or after. And that's what I am working towards - a healthy, normal functioning reproductive system.

This one's hardly a perfect period, but what I'd like to focus on is the positive stuff-
Hey! My period wasn't any worse than before! Therefore, in my miserable, crappy uterine IF world, that's actually great news! So here's why I got my party whistle out:

1. There were no clots
2. The volume was no worse than before
3. The color looked quite bright and healthy
4. The pain wasn't too bad nor worse than my previous AF 
5. Ms.Nasty has not grown
6. I had a lovely bi-phasic BBT chart this past cycle
7. And I did ovulate on my own even though it took hell of a long time!

It's probably too early to assess if Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment is any good, but I didn't get worse. That's something to celebrate huh?

(For some strange reason, I've been craving margaritas and cosmos during my last 2WW. Anyone have that as a pregnancy symptom? LOL!!!)






PS- By the way, a big "Thank You" to all of you who came out to share and support me at my last post. It meant a lot to me!

Two Week Waits And Trashy Romance Novels

It's good to know that my uterus is still working- somewhat. Dr.NeverGiveUp scanned my ute on Friday (7DPO) and told me that I had ovulated and that the lining was building up very nicely at 11.9mm. Then he tells me later that my egg quality wasn't very good though for this cycle because it was quite big @25mm. He's an optimist but yes, always a realist!

Here's what I learned from him during my appointment:

• In his experience follicles that are 18-20mm in size seem to be ideal because he has noticed that most successful pregnancies occur from follicles of that size.  

• The ideal thickness of the uterine lining should be around 8-14mm for pregnancy to happen, but the optimal range seems to be changing with ongoing research. He says that 18mm used to be considered too thick but that is even acceptable in today's standards as stastistics have shown that women are able to get pregnant with that.

• He has helped over 600 women conceive naturally with TCM since he started his practice 15 years ago. He has also been listed as one of the panel doctors in a hospital-the first for a TCM doctor to be recognized in a (western medicine) hospital. And also invited to lecture in universities. Several of the prominent fertility clinics in town know of him and even refer their patients to him. He was trying to reassure me that I am in very good hands. 

So, here I am now on 10DPO. I think that this cycle is pretty much a bust anyway~Only 50+ days into treatment under Dr.NeverGiveUp and bad egg which took forever to ovulate! What are the odds of a BFP with that? Though I'm sure that my lining's doing its stuff cos I've been feeling crampy. It's been a while since I've felt like this.

Being in the midst of a 2WW feels very strange to me. It feels like it has been a millenium since we've TTC. We've only skipped out on one cycle because I didn't ovulate last month, but it feels like it has been a really, really long time. So I got out my calendar and counted back to the last time I had a positive OPK and got down to some serious baby-making:


.... 99 DAYS!

Holy crap! That was like 3 months ago! We've been sitting on the side lines for so long! No wonder this 2WW felt so weird! I just turned 39 this year. Is age really getting to my eggs? Last year my cycles were averaging at 35 days, ovulating 85% of the time. Going by this track record, it looks like I'll be ovulating only 4 times a year~spring, summer, fall, winter? Eeeek!!!!

Well, bad egg or not, it's still a 2WW no less, and I finally got a chance to dig out the romance novels I bought several months ago in anticipation of the 2WWs that didn't come. During my last 2WW I started reading romance novels. At that time, I asked myself what was a good way to take my mind off to a happy place far, far away? I thought romance novels may be ideal because I'm a sucker for all that feel-good romantic stuff, though I haven't touched a single romance novel since "Sweet Valley High" days back when I was a teen! (Anyone remember those?) So I walked into a book store, clueless, and blindly picked out a few books by New York Time's Best Selling authors.

Boy! Was I wrong! Those books are not "feel-good" all the way! I cried and cried and cried! There were so many twists and tragedy in the plot that it put me on a intensely wild emotional roller-coaster ride! I read "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks which I wanted to before I saw the movie, and "Every Breath You Take" by Judith McNaught. Yeah - So much for a happy, zen 2WW!!! And for all I know my hormones probably amplified those emotions 100 times stronger! But now I am HOOKED! Especially on McNaught's books! They're dangerous-I simply can't put them down, even to sleep! In a global recession, being whisked away to a world of glamor, money and private jet planes, without any care nor accountability for carbon footprint, is such a wonderful escape. And where the heroine gets pregnant immediately after a hot, steamy 2-night sexual affair seems so ridiculous to an infertile but absolutely consoling to see that the hero and heroine really loved and wanted their children. I've read 2 more of McNaught's books this 2WW. And no more till my next 2WW. They're just way too dangerous!

This Week's Menu

Here's my TCM fertility herbal pill menu for the week:

What you see in the picture is what I take - in ONE day! These meds are suppose to tonify my organs so that they will produce all the right hormones at optimal levels to support the growth of very good quality eggs. All the stuff in spoons are prescribed by Dr.NeverGiveUp and consist of 4 different types of formula. Note that big-ball pills on the lower left are different from small-ball pills on the lower right! (Get to know your medicine! LOL!) Initially I thought they were all the same! All the stuff in the middle on the plate itself are my own supplements...

Separated into two doses.

Taken twice a day.

With gallons of water.

And a prayer.

Sex Assignment

Well, I'll be damned! I have a 25mm folly on my left ovary, ripe and ready to launch! What's so amazing about that, you say? It's because it's frickin' CD40 and I thought I was on CD8!

I thought I had a period 8 days ago on CD33 when I encountered some spotting. It didn't develop into a full-blown period~just some brown spotting with a teeny bit of blood that tapered off within 3-4 days. It was strange but I shrugged it off thinking perhaps the lining didn't get to develop due to non-ovulation. There was no pain either, which is like-Wooyeah! Get out the champagne and fireworks, because a period with no pain is a day of celebration for an endo gal. (My celebration by the way, ended up in a bit of a disaster )  Also, 8 days ago during my last u/s scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my follicles were all undeveloped and still small.

Then, two days ago on "CD6", I started getting dollops of egg-white CM!

"Heck! It's a bit early for ovulation isn't it? My cycles are so damned screwed!" I thought.

After having an u/s scan today, Dr.NeverGiveUp concluded that the bout of spotting wasn't a period. So then why was I spotting? He explained that because my hormones were not good, my lining was not strong and was shedding a little. But since it looks like I will be ovulating, he advised us to try for 3 consecutive days. Then I remembered that we had planned to skip TTC for one cycle so that the meds have some time to work on me and make me a bit stronger. And since we're still officially on that cycle, what now? He said that we should just go for it since I don't ovulate very often...

So we're going for it! Unfortunately, my brother's coming over to stay with us for the weekend and the guest bedroom is right next to ours. With paper thin walls. We're so used to having the whole house to ourselves and not having to worry about what other people might hear. 14 years ago, when hubs and I were dating (yes-it was that long ago!) I used to visit at this very same house when his parents were living here. They've moved out since and we've inherited it. Anyway, when his parents were ready to launch into some bedroom "exercise", they would blare classical music from their bedroom. And I could still hear my future mother-in-law through those walls with the music on. Ewww right? So every time we heard classical music coming from that room, we knew-it was the "cue"! But I had such an admiration for them because I think it's amazing that people "that age" are still having such a healthy sex life! I hope hubs and I will still be healthily active like them, minus the music(!), when we hit that age!

My next appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp is a week from now, but till then, we've got homework! At least it feels that way. I have a little notebook which he gave me to jot my daily BBT down, and in that, he also marks down tentative dates for u/s scans. Today, he marked three crosses on friday, saturday and sunday, indicating that we are to have sex on these days. YES SIR!

He also gave us some instructions on how to do it! Okay, you can stop laughing now. If you're trying to conceive you may wanna pay attention too! Here's:

Baby-Making Sex 101

1) Once the man enters, do not pull out until after he ejaculates. Every time he pulls out, air can enter the vagina. We do not want to create air in the vagina because it pushes the sperm out when he withdraws. We want to maintain a vacuum in the vagina, and it's easier for sperm to be sucked into the uterus during orgasm in a vacuum.

2) Make sure your hips are elevated with a pillow before he ejaculates to minimize spillage.

3) Lie down, hips elevated, for two hours after that. 30 minutes is not sufficient. You may turn to your side but make sure you're horizontal for 2 hours.



Hmm, I guess no more wild experimental 100-sex-positions-a-night! It's got to be a 1-shot deal, and then lie down like a zombie after that! Don't even think about getting up for a snack or to pee anytime soon after that!

On top of our little "assignment", I am to take my chinese herbal pills twice a day, which he has changed up a bit. He seems to be changing my prescription every week. He gives us different dosages and formula to support the changing hormones in our cycle. Last week, he had me taking 4 more capsules daily on top of this. For this coming ovulatory phase, he's doubled those little black balls! Yes, I'm gonna have a ball swallowing those down!

Well, I'll have to say that hubs was noticeably more cheerful after we left the clinic. I mean, he was really happy and holding my hands and everything! I think he's probably thinking about all the sex that he's gonna get this weekend, but he says it's because he got to see my egg! I guess he's happy about me ovulating! Awww.... It's probably the best news we've had in a long while!

Wish me luck on our assignment!
 

You Bad, Lazy Egg!

It appears that my eggs have gone on a leave of absence without notifying me! They haven't showed up for two cycles! Today is CD32 and I woke up with some spotting. I guess that throws the possibility of a late ovulation out the window!

I went in for my weekly u/s scan with Dr.NeverGiveUp today, and he confirmed that my eggs had not matured. So yup! There's the proof~those lazy eggs of mine are definitely having a vacation. They're there, but just idling around-not growing or doing much. He believes that my high testosterone levels are suppressing the development of my eggs. That's why I am still having my periods but not ovulating. I told him that I was ovulating regularly last year but it seemed that turning a year older has really affected my fertility. However he thinks that my ovaries look OK and that the bigger concern was the condition of my uterus. He assured me that the medicine I am taking will help to rebalance my hormones and improve the quality of my eggs. And that we will start to see the effects in 3-4 months.

I also brought up my concern about my high CA-125 results which indicate an infection and inflammation in the ovaries. I read recently on a fertility doctor's blog that,

"Endometriosis is a pelvic disease that causes the pelvis to be inflamed. It is thought that this inflammation attacks and kills the egg at the time of ovulation."


That got me into a bit of a panic! Like, "What? Now my own body is killing my eggs too?" How many more disasters could I possibly be brewing in my uterus?!!! 

Being his usual never-say-die self, he said that it's not a very significant problem because the cells in our body are very, very good at adapting to their environment. My eggs will also adapt and find a way to survive. So I stopped freaking out. What I really like about Dr.NeverGiveUp is his unassuming confidence and optimism.

As I was the last patient in the clinic today, I had the opportunity to talk with him a little longer. I brought up the issue about doing acupuncture for me, cos frankly, I'm a walking disaster and I need all the help that I can get! But he told me-again-that I shouldn't worry about that. I can't believe that a TCM doc is not pro-acupuncture! What about all the stuff I've read about acupuncture improving success rates in IVF by 30% and the latest news about Celine Dion conceiving twins via IVF with the help of acupuncture? He explained that statistics are sometimes exaggerated or manipulated, even in the medical profession. He said he attended a world medical seminar on IVF and when it was reported that some clinic claimed a 50% rate in IVF success, the whole room cracked up like it was the biggest joke. Even the most respected and advanced clinics in IVF research could only realistically claim a 30% success rate. Some clinics were also practising the unethical transfer of very high numbers of embryos to increase success rates. Well, I don't know how honest clinics really are about their success rates, but in regards to acupuncture and IVF, he told me that the professor he studied under in China specialized in IVF, and in his hospital, patients who initially failed to get pregnant through IVF would be treated with acupuncture. And even then, they found that the success rate for IVF after acupuncture increased only by 10%, which was minimal. That was quite a startling revelation to me! I was under the impression that the odds were better than that! That conclusion was formed from his own experience anyway, and I guess it must be true because nobody lies about underperforming!

However he made it a point to assure me that TCM herbal medicine itself (as opposed to acupuncture) really helps to improve egg (and sperm) quality. And this is something that Western Medicine does not/cannot address. He made that very clear: At the university hospital he's lecturing at, out of the 5 couples who underwent IVF recently, only one couple succeeded and it was the one that had undergone TCM treatment with him. Their IVF specialist was very impressed with her egg quality. He also told me about another IVF specialist who now refers many of her patients to him. She was astonished at the egg quality she retrieved from patients who had undertaken his treatment. She claimed that the egg quality was "beautiful"! And guess who this IVF specialist is? Dr.Crap! Yes, the fertility specialist I first consulted whom I didn't like at all. I blogged about her here. She's quite prominent in her field and Dr.NeverGiveUp's patients seem to like her a lot! Now that's astonishing to me!

So I am really counting on Dr.NeverGiveUp's TCM pills to make me ovulate beautiful eggs. Although I am not going for IVF, I really feel for you girls who are going through it and are devastated when you find that you have issues with egg quality, even with all the drug stimulation. From what I've read/heard and what Dr.NeverGiveUp has told me, Western medicine has no treatment for improving egg quality which greatly impacts success rates for IVF. But do not despair and do not give up yet. There is this avenue down TCM that you can try before resorting to donor eggs or adoption. It appears that women have been getting promising results with TCM treatment. I personally have a friend whose doctor said the same thing about her eggs after she underwent TCM. Her first two rounds produced crappy eggs but her third round produced very good eggs after TCM. She finally managed to get pregnant at age 40 with her third IVF.

Now, I don't really know what Dr.NeverGiveUp puts inside his pills. I never really cared to find out because he has rattled off a whole bunch of names before to me and it still left me clueless anyway. But I did wonder about the efficacy of pills as opposed to boiling the raw herbs like I did before with my previous TCM doc. I always thought that the pills contained herbs that were ground into powder form. Well, silly me! Apparently they're not that low tech! The essence of an herb is extracted by a very high tech process to preserve its medicinal properties, and is sourced from China. Dr.NeverGiveUp has visited the lab and commissioned them to make a blend of his different formulae. I am very happy to hear that I'm not paying high prices for low-tech medicine! And I don't have to extract them the old-fashioned way myself by boiling them for an hour, which inevitably end up in disaster sometimes! So, yay! My days of burning my herbs dry into carbon and having my own smoking Icelandic volcano in my kitchen are over!

And here's another piece of good news. I am not diabetic! I've been feeling thirstier than usual over the past month and Dr.NeverGiveUp said there was a possibility of me getting diabetes "because you are FAT!" Yup! Those are his exact words! Yes, cut straight to the point why don't cha! Well, I never said he was charming! Even though I had a blood test last month I could become diabetic anytime, so he tested me. So that's one less disaster in my body to deal with! Phew! He did tell me that one thing I could do though to help lower my testosterone levels was to lose some weight. OK! Got it! Lose the fat!

Meds Medley

I think this has been the most relaxing cycle I've had in a long time.

I have not peed on a single stick this cycle. (Gasp!) And I don't intend to. (What?)
Ever since Dr.NeverGiveUp included a u/s scan as routine procedure to monitor the growth of my follicles, I've never had to bother with OPKs anymore. No more squinting my eyes blind over a second OPK line that may or may not be there. The u/s scan takes all the guessing out of what my eggies are doing and even though they might not behave the way I want them to, just knowing where they're at seems to take a lot of stress off.   

It's CD26 and still have not ovulated. And I am not freaking out! (What happened to Zengirl? She's actually acting... ZEN! Gasp-again!)
We decided to take a break this month from TTC. I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if it would be a good idea to give my body a chance to improve and strengthen before TTC. I know I have a hormone imbalance and it wouldn't be the best way to start a pregnancy. Having miscarried once before, I don't want to ever experience that ever again if I can help it. He agreed that it would be a good idea but he said that one month was sufficient to wait. So we're sitting this cycle out and will see how I am responding to his treatment.

And I haven't had to endure any pricks from acupuncture at all since I've been under Dr.NeverGiveUp's care.
He feels that acupuncture is not very effective in most IF cases, and that chinese medicine was better at addressing IF problems. I don't agree with his views about acupuncture  because from all the literature I've read about IF, it's suppose to help. And I think I need all the help I can get!!! He said he wanted to monitor a complete cycle first before he decides if I need acupuncture. So my part-time stint as a human pin-cushion has temporarily been suspended!

Having no bi-weekly acupuncture appointments to go to, or herbs to boil daily, or OPKS to obsess over, has really freed up my time and my mind. I have not felt this relaxed or carferee in the longest time. And it feels great!

The downside is that I seem to be constantly swallowing pills all day like a prescription drug junkie! Here's a photo of my daily pill ration:

Dr.NeverGiveUp has me on four types of chinese herbal medication, which he says also contain folic acid. The rest of the pills are supplements that I'm taking based on recommendations given in "The Infertility Cure" book. Mmmm... Yummy Yum!

Any of you gals chowing down fertility supplements and medication like they were going out of fashion too?

My Third And Newest TCM Doctor

Having started treatments at a new fertility clinic recently, I'm officially in a new chapter of my TTC drama now. I've been to the clinic 3 times to date, and even though all they've given me were mainly bad news, they're NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I am so happy and grateful!

Meet my brand new TCM doc ~ Dr.NeverGiveUp!

• He speaks English. (Clouds in the heavens are parting...Aaaaa-lleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!)
• He is trained in both western and chinese medicine and is the only doctor here that integrates both to treat infertility. (Just what I wanted! Woohoo!)
• He is an acupuncturist too. (Nice to know he got skillz)
• Has a Ph. D specializing in fertility. (He must know his stuff!)
• He also lectures and has been invited by a university to set up the first department to teach integrated medicine for infertility in the country. (He must really, really know his stuff)
• He's quite patient with my 1 million and 1 questions. (I like doctors who explain)
• He is honest. (He does not sugarcoat things and is realistic) 
• He told me to never give up because humans are meant to reproduce. (That's the spirit I need in my doc)
• He believes that our bodies have an amazing ability to rejuvenate itself and adapt (He gives me the hope I need)

I think he really is the answer to my prayer! I am shocked that god heard me. And answered. Infact he gave me two doctors.

Meet the wife and assistant of Dr.NeverGiveUp ~ Dr.Don'tWorry!

• She speaks English too. (Alleluia chorus-Round 2! )
• She is a chinese medicine doctor and acupuncturist. (Nice to have a second opinion)
• She's sweet and kind. (When I came in with cramps and waited torturously for my turn, she told me that I could jump the queue next time and not have to endure the wait if I was in pain!)
• She keeps telling me not to worry and just be happy. (I'm sure it's hormone-related advice ie, less stress, better hormones)

Having been with a very traditional doctor in TCM the last year and half (with "TCM doc"), I am not used to the ways of this clinic yet.

- I am required to submit my BBT which has to be taken precisely at a time I choose between 5-8 a.m. with at least 5 hours sleep prior. I must use the digital thermometer supplied and record, (in Celsius-I'm used to Farenheit), the temps in a notebook which they will check and draw a graph from. Wow! I am not used to having someone scrutinize my BBTs like that! 

- They will occasionally take my blood to test my hormones. It was never this scientific with my previous TCM doc. I like seeing proof. And Dr.NeverGiveUp is a pro at taking blood! My veins are notoriously hard to find-I've been probed and jabbed all over my arms and even the back of my hands with needles just to find blood. He found a vein on his first try! He's my hero!

- They will give me an ultrasound scan every time I go in for my weekly appointment to monitor my uterus and follicles. For this, I am required to drink 1.5 L (6.5 cups) of water and hold it before I visit the clinic. And they won't scan me till I'm bursting to go to the toilet! Wooo-peee! They charge me $50 for each scan but I only have to pay for 7 scans. After that it will all be free, even if I remain there for years or if I come back for treatments for a second or third child! I think that's awesome! 

- They will tell us when to have sex. No kidding. We are scheduled to have sex on the 12th of May! He wrote that on my BBT notebook! Precision timed sex seems to be a big part of his "treatment".

- I am required to take lots of herbal pills. Did I say pills? Yes!!! I did! Pills! No more gluggy, black, nasty, evil tasting herbal potions to brew and drink! It's so convenient and it frees up so much of my time. It's amazing how much more relaxing it is with this pill regiment! I don't have to constantly check on boiling herbs, or worry about burning my pot and setting off the fire alarm anymore! 

- I won't be having acupuncture. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that he rarely prescribes acupuncture these days. He says that in his experience, acupuncture isn't very effective for infertility. That herbal medicine does the job better. I'm not sure I agree with him, but... What? No more being pricked all over like a voodoo doll? Shocking!

This method of treatment is indeed new to me but I hope this journey will be a fruitful one for me. I am not discounting my previous treatment with TCM doc nor discrediting his work. Infact I believe that I have less pain now because of him. My periods are shorter and I don't lose crazy amounts of blood anymore. The last time AF came, there was less pain, hardly any clots, and lasted only 7 days. And I did get pregnant for the first time in my life while under his care. But I am still not well. I am far from it. I think he's taken me as far as he could. And now I need someone else to take me further along towards my goal of having a baby. 

 Is Dr.NeverGiveUp my next stepping stone towards that goal? 

I hope and pray he is.

Back To My Regular Infertile Life

This past week has brought a calm and quietness that I have dearly missed--my in-laws are finally gone! I don't want to sound like a cold, heartless, unappreciative bitch, but...

Hooray!


Yippee!


Ya-ba-da-ba-DOOOOOOO!

If I could, I'd be doing back-flips and cartwheels too! Because I'm finally able to breathe. Having them around was like having clingwrap stuck to your face: super clingy and suffocating! Now I can live my life for me and NOT for the Golden Child@my niece whom my in-laws worship. It's so nice to have my life back! Even if it's a pathetic infertile life!

So it's CD20. My obsessive peeing-on-sticks have come back to haunt me. I'm waiting for ovulation. And still no sign of it. Ugh! It's the same old sad drama all over again! Wa-wa-wa-waaa..... I am suppose to seek out a new fertility specialist and there's one that a friend of mine highly recommends. I was hoping to speak to her about her IVF experiences at that clinic and get the contact no and doctor's name, but she's in Japan for two weeks! It's so typical of my luck! So I'm impatiently counting the days until she gets home. I guess it's another month of "leaving it up to god" type of TTC. The other day, I complained to my TCM doc, as I always do these days about how long its been since my miscarriage with no sign of pregnancy... And all he could really say was that we had to leave it up to god! That kinda left me flabbergasted! His faith in god is a lot deeper than mine! He seems to think that my time will come and god has a plan for me. My interpretation: we can intervene all we want but god has the final say! It doesn't leave me very hopeful...  SIGH!...

So whatever!

I'm kinda sick of the futility of chasing my baby dream. My confidence has been shattered somewhat badly by these recurring failures. I feel so devoid of hope or enthusiasm right now, it's depressing. I feel like taking a break from all this TTC crap. All it's done is stretch my patience thin, weigh me down, break my heart and milk my tearducts dry! There's suppose to be joy at the end of all this TTC suffering-a beautiful bundle of joy in our arms. But where is it? I'm so tired. Really tired. I don't even have the energy to carry any expectations any more. So I haven't got any expectations this month. I don't expect to get pregnant. So when AF comes around, I won't care and I'm not going to break down.
HAH! Yeah right! We shall see about that! 

Well, there has to be something good in my life! What is it? Oh yeah - my in-laws are gone (Double Yabadaba-doooo!) and Ass-Throb Day didn't show up. My typical CD-10 Endo-related Throbbing-pain-in-the-rectum Event was a no-show this cycle, so my ass is ecstatic! My icy body is feeling a lot warmer and my libido has come back from the dead. All those TCM needles and herbal potions may not have made me a baby, but it has at least done some good for my hormones and my endo, or so it seems...

Peed $25 Away Today

I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a

BIG

FAT 

NEGATIVE!


I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?

Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.

This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?

I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...

Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!

Mega Update-Get Your Popcorn ready

Holy crap! It's been two weeks since I last posted here. I'm sorry if you've been visiting my blog and keep finding that same darn old post every time! I have been around. Other people's blogs, that is. Just not here very much! Everyone's else's lives seem much more progressive and interesting... Me? I'm just stuck in a limbo, going around in circles, looking for that elusive miracle doctor who can help me out of this IF rut!

Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary.  I can't wait!

We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...

I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me?  Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.

He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me?  Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!

So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal.  Could I be pregnant?  I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.


Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.


And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests)  or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.

Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency:  he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff!  He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I quizzed him about manual acupuncture (no electricity) and why he didn't practice that. Straight away he said that it was very painful and everyone in the clinic would be screaming! "Who would come?" he exclaimed. Okay..... I knew from first hand experience that that was the absolute truth! He explained that manual acupuncture involved twiddling the needle till it hits the bull's eye (The acupuncture point). He said that electro-acupuncture was just as effective. In electro-acupuncture, the acupuncture points are triggered via electricity that is relayed through the needles.  I was under the impression that electro-acupuncture was slower and less effective, but according to current research, electro-acupuncture was actually more effective in treating many different conditions and longer-lasting. Ding! Ding! 

TCM Doc - 1 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

And TCM Doc's electro-acupuncture sure is a hell lot less painful than Dr Yeeeouch! Ding! Ding!

TCM Doc - 2 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

I asked hubby: How long will you be willing to continue treatment with Dr Yeeeouch?

DH: Till I reach the stage where I can't take the pain any longer. 

Me:  "I have reached that stage already!"

DH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

I don't think you'd be surprised if I told you that I've pretty much made up my mind to abandon Dr Yeeeouch.  So I'm going back to TCM Doc, at least till I find another one, god-willing!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I've started doing chi gong exercises diligently for up to 2 hours a day, everyday. I learnt a form of healing chi gong from a master many years ago, and I should have taken advantage of this knowledge to help my infertility. But it takes serious discipline. To sit and breathe and think nothing for minimum 30 mins is pure torture for me. And I'm lazy. But now I'm desperate. (BTW, this is much like the chi gong exercise that is recommended in the book "The Infertility Cure"). I am also practicing another form of chi gong-come-meditation exercise that is recommended in the book "The Tao of Infertility". Chi gong is a form of exercise where you harness your body's own chi to heal your body. I can focus the chi on a certain part of my body or set it free to seek out the trouble spots in my body. With the recent exercises, the chi went straight for my kidney point, causing me to sway back & forth uncontrollably. I just find it fascinating that it knows just where I need healing the most. I am hoping that these chi gong exercises will help balance my deficiencies quicker and heal any problems that are contributing to my infertility. At the very least, it should increase the chi and blood circulation around my body. Yup, I have to prime my body up for baby-makin time! 

And I've been meaning to tell you that this month is the 1-year anniversary of my one-and-only pregnancy which I eventually lost in March 2009. Finding out that I was pregnant in a small motel room overlooking a cemetery in Fresno after 4 years of TTC wasn't exactly how I imagined I would discover the happy news, but the joy and the awe was certainly real and overflowing. And Bryce Canyon, Utah will forever be filled with bittersweet memories - It remains in my mind a place so fascinatingly beautiful but devastatingly haunted by the memory of my miscarriage. Spookily, I will be leaving for my Maldives vacation on 1st march, exactly the same date that I embarked on my doomed vacation last year. But hopefully, this Maldivian holiday will mark a new chapter for a wonderful and happy beginning for us.  

There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-)  I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation!  But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...