My Ute's Naughty Or Nice List

Pssssst.... Anyone there? Thank you if you've been checking in on me even though I've been such a terrible blogger!

I'm sorry for being gone for so long. It's been one and a half months since my last post and I can't say that I have any good news to share at all. Infact, I've been feeling so down in the dumps for the way things are going with my cycles that I've been too frustrated to dedicate any more time thinking or blogging about it. But here I am anyway, still confused as ever, feeling completed dejected, and trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, if you ask if my uterus has been naughty or nice this year, especially of late, well, let's put it this way-I don't think she's gonna get anything from Santa for Christmas! She hasn't behaved in anyway that is good or acceptable. So here's her naughty list:

1) Following my Halloween 6DPO bleeding nightmare, the spotting continued for another 4 days before the floodgates broke opened. That either meant that I had a short luteal phase of about 10 days (UGH!) , or if I had a normal 14 day luteal phase, then I may have ovulated a few days earlier than we thought, on CD 17 instead of CD 20.  Dr.NeverGiveUp prefers to be optimistic and think that I am ovulating earlier and earlier each cycle. It's still a bloody BFN whichever way you look at it!
VERDICT: Naughty

2) In the pain department, I had my usual cramps for about 2 days when AF broke through, and my ovaries started to ache early on in the cycle, particularly on one side, almost every day up till CD14-15.  I was freaking out thinking that my eggs must be already twitching and growing earlier than normal. It's either that, or my endo was doing something nasty to my ovaries.
VERDICT: Naughty

3) By CD8, the ultrasound scan revealed 2 small eggs in the left ovary. At least there's something there...
VERDICT: Nice

4) A week later on CD15, the ultrasound scan revealed a 14 mm follicle but it was fuzzy. This may indicate that the follicle had just ruptured and ovulation had taken place. Hot damn! Ovulation on/around CD15? That is waaaaay early and surely a record for Zengirl! But it's not really good news because the follicle was a bit immature and small at 14mm. Ideally, it should grow to about 18mm to be a good egg. And whatever happened to the other egg?
VERDICT: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty.

5) The next day after the scan on CD16, I just had to POAS to check if there was indeed an LH surge and ovulation. The stick revealed a 2nd line almost as dark as the test line. And the day after that I POAS again and the 2nd line was fainter. I figured that I was catching the tail end of the LH surge and this concurred with ovulation happening around CD15.
VERDICT: Nice

6) A week after the last scan, we took a look to see what had happened to my eggs. The ultrasound scan this time revealed that the eggs were gone. They had indeed been unleashed out into the uterine world to find Mr. Right. Plain and simple. Open and shut case right? Not. At. All. Because in the mean time, my BBT goes up and down and up and down like the world's scariest, most unpredictable roller coaster ride.
VERDICT: Naughty 

7) On 14DPO, AF had not come, but the HPT tested negative. They tell me to wait another week. They did not bother with anymore ultrasound scans since there were no more eggs to be seen.
VERDICT: Naughty

8) On 20DPO, AF still had not come. And the HPT tested negative again! My body tells me I was not pregnant. I had no symptoms at all.
VERDICT: Naughty

9) On further consultation and analysis of my BBT chart, the doctors assumed that ovulation could have taken place much, much later on CD27 instead, because it was only then that my BBT began to rise and stay up. WHAT? So what did the almost positive OPKs I peed on earlier mean? How could I have ovulated on CD27, when there were no eggs left on the last scan? They think that it's very rare, but I could have ovulated twice. It's really too bad they did not continue to monitor for eggs after the last "ovulation". Now there's no way of knowing.
VERDICT: Just. Plain. Naughty.

It is now CD40. Back to a long cycle again. UGH! This cycle's drama has been so drawn out. So, given that ovulation happened on CD 27, it is now 14DPO. And AF is still not here. My BBT remains high. Tomorrow, I will test again. Or AF should have announced its arrival by then. I have no idea what's going on in my body this time. I don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs are not sore at all. My ute feels really bloated, like the lining's all ripe to be shed.  I do feel just a little nauseous from the hike in progesterone produced by the corpus luteum, but this has happened countless times before for me to know not to be fooled by this.

This has been the worst 2WW ever! Or rather 4WW! 
WHATEVER!
BFP or BFN, I just want this waiting to be over.

Halloween Sex Nightmare

Well, I am not talking about a movie or a dream, but as usual, it is my damn high-drama IF life.

WARNING: This is a TMI post!

It's 6DPO this Halloween, and still feeling a bit frisky, I thought it would be ok to have a little luvin'. I certainly remember Dr.NeverGiveUp's advice about not having sex 3-4 days prior to AF (read here and here). And I thought I was still in the clear.

Well, hubs and I were both shocked to discover brown discharge halfway through it. It did not start out this way, nor was I spotting before. Could we have induced another early period with sex again?  I mean it's another 8 days till my period is due! WTF? The brown spotting has not increased but it has not stopped. Do I have some crappy incompetent cervix that can't keep my lining in somehow?

My nipples are still sore, but it's less intense now. My BBT is still relatively low-I think it indicates my progesterone production is still not great. And I've been feeling very crampy and bloated the last couple of days, though it has subsided. And some of the blood from my so called "beautiful" lining has shed-I think that's what the brown stuff was. Shit! Things don't look good. There goes my BFP. 

It's been a hell of a Halloween! Hope yours was better.

LUFS Has Left The Building!

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production.  The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put!  :-)

Possible Ms.RJ2 Sighted!!

I went in for another u/s scan yesterday, CD17, to see what's up with my eggs. Here's what the scan said:

I have a 14mm follicle still in there, which I will now call Ms.RJ2 (my second egg since going on Royal Jelly) A week ago there were two - a 8mm and a 5mm. I don't know what happened to the second follicle. Maybe it ovulated or maybe it did a houdini? I don't know. Well, I've actually read about women who ovulated twice in a cycle--I'd never be that lucky, but who knows? My eggs are a bit of a delinquent freak!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks that we should assume that I have not ovulated and that we still have a shot with this egg. According to my historical data (actually last month's chart) and the looks of this egg, he predicts that I will ovulate around CD20. So we've got our game plan on... What else but sex, sex, sex in the coming week!

And oh! Dr.NeverGiveUp gave me a nice compliment - he said my lining was very, very beautiful! I should be flattered!

Ovulation Mystery

Yikes! I might have missed my ovulation date this cycle!

I went in for my u/s scan yesterday, which was CD16 and the scan was inconclusive. Dr.NeverGiveUp said that the follicles looked unclear, which may indicate that I might have just ovulated. WHAT? The odds of that is pretty low, considering my history of no-show eggs or extremely late ovulation. So if I did ovulate this early, it's quite a shocker!

I POAS today, CD17, to see if there is an LH surge on the OPK. Well, the test line is almost as dark as the control line. This could mean 2 things - the LH is building up and I will ovulate soon, or that I am catching the tail end of the surge. Aaarghh! Wish I knew which it was! My BBT has also been pretty low all this cycle. I am to go in on Friday to have another scan to reevaluate where I'm at. Hopefully we'll know what's happening then.

Right now I am so confused. But still hopeful.

Potential Ms.RJ II

So I am in the egg-nurturing phase now, to make sure I get a lovely egg this cycle. The u/s scan today revealed that I have 2 potential "Ms.RJ the Second" in my right ovary. It's CD11 and they measure 8mm and 5mm currently.

Other than that, there's nothing much to report. Well, maybe I can tell you that my libido's great, my mood's great and my weight loss has been going great:

Hubs really loves the effect that Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds are having on me. He loves them because I am always horny for him and he tells me my mood is always good these days. I am never irritable and I don't get upset over little things anymore. He can never tell when I am PMS-ing or when my period's coming. He feels like I am more like what I used to be when we were first married.  He calls them mood-enhancing drugs and he wants me to be on them. Forever!

And I am about 2.5 points away from the healthy range of the Body Mass Index now. I can't believe I let myself put on so much weight since my miscarriage last year. I'm really worried about additional health problems if I get pregnant at the weight I am now. But all this exercise and portion control has been helping a great deal. Hubs thinks the weight loss has been visible and he feels I am beginning to look sexy now - "Delicious!" were his words to me today! LOL! That's been really encouraging. So I'm not gonna stop now till I look "HOT"!!!

(Then I can put it all back on for the baby.... Eeeek!)

Looking At the Bright Side

As disappointing as this past cycle has been for me, Dr.NeverGiveUp tried to focus on the good things today.

• Ms.RJ1, the monster egg-cum-cyst has disappeared! Today's u/s scan revealed that she is gone! The red tide must have "flushed" her out!

• He thinks my cycles are getting shorter and I am producing eggs earlier. Although I've had better cycles 2 years ago, it is obvious that my fertility has gone worse with age. My first cycle under his care was 51 days. Followed by a non-ovulatory 36-day cycle. Then a 37-day cycle with ovulation on CD23. And most recently, a 35-day cycle with a luteinized follicle on Day 20, even though it didn't ovulate. Not exactly champagne breaking news, but it's not bad.

It's CD4 today. The pain has been intermittent but I think the worst is over. My hormones are beginning to rage. I can feel my sex drive surging again. I swear-this is ALL Dr.NeverGiveUp's doing!  :-O