My Ute's Naughty Or Nice List

Pssssst.... Anyone there? Thank you if you've been checking in on me even though I've been such a terrible blogger!

I'm sorry for being gone for so long. It's been one and a half months since my last post and I can't say that I have any good news to share at all. Infact, I've been feeling so down in the dumps for the way things are going with my cycles that I've been too frustrated to dedicate any more time thinking or blogging about it. But here I am anyway, still confused as ever, feeling completed dejected, and trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, if you ask if my uterus has been naughty or nice this year, especially of late, well, let's put it this way-I don't think she's gonna get anything from Santa for Christmas! She hasn't behaved in anyway that is good or acceptable. So here's her naughty list:

1) Following my Halloween 6DPO bleeding nightmare, the spotting continued for another 4 days before the floodgates broke opened. That either meant that I had a short luteal phase of about 10 days (UGH!) , or if I had a normal 14 day luteal phase, then I may have ovulated a few days earlier than we thought, on CD 17 instead of CD 20.  Dr.NeverGiveUp prefers to be optimistic and think that I am ovulating earlier and earlier each cycle. It's still a bloody BFN whichever way you look at it!
VERDICT: Naughty

2) In the pain department, I had my usual cramps for about 2 days when AF broke through, and my ovaries started to ache early on in the cycle, particularly on one side, almost every day up till CD14-15.  I was freaking out thinking that my eggs must be already twitching and growing earlier than normal. It's either that, or my endo was doing something nasty to my ovaries.
VERDICT: Naughty

3) By CD8, the ultrasound scan revealed 2 small eggs in the left ovary. At least there's something there...
VERDICT: Nice

4) A week later on CD15, the ultrasound scan revealed a 14 mm follicle but it was fuzzy. This may indicate that the follicle had just ruptured and ovulation had taken place. Hot damn! Ovulation on/around CD15? That is waaaaay early and surely a record for Zengirl! But it's not really good news because the follicle was a bit immature and small at 14mm. Ideally, it should grow to about 18mm to be a good egg. And whatever happened to the other egg?
VERDICT: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty.

5) The next day after the scan on CD16, I just had to POAS to check if there was indeed an LH surge and ovulation. The stick revealed a 2nd line almost as dark as the test line. And the day after that I POAS again and the 2nd line was fainter. I figured that I was catching the tail end of the LH surge and this concurred with ovulation happening around CD15.
VERDICT: Nice

6) A week after the last scan, we took a look to see what had happened to my eggs. The ultrasound scan this time revealed that the eggs were gone. They had indeed been unleashed out into the uterine world to find Mr. Right. Plain and simple. Open and shut case right? Not. At. All. Because in the mean time, my BBT goes up and down and up and down like the world's scariest, most unpredictable roller coaster ride.
VERDICT: Naughty 

7) On 14DPO, AF had not come, but the HPT tested negative. They tell me to wait another week. They did not bother with anymore ultrasound scans since there were no more eggs to be seen.
VERDICT: Naughty

8) On 20DPO, AF still had not come. And the HPT tested negative again! My body tells me I was not pregnant. I had no symptoms at all.
VERDICT: Naughty

9) On further consultation and analysis of my BBT chart, the doctors assumed that ovulation could have taken place much, much later on CD27 instead, because it was only then that my BBT began to rise and stay up. WHAT? So what did the almost positive OPKs I peed on earlier mean? How could I have ovulated on CD27, when there were no eggs left on the last scan? They think that it's very rare, but I could have ovulated twice. It's really too bad they did not continue to monitor for eggs after the last "ovulation". Now there's no way of knowing.
VERDICT: Just. Plain. Naughty.

It is now CD40. Back to a long cycle again. UGH! This cycle's drama has been so drawn out. So, given that ovulation happened on CD 27, it is now 14DPO. And AF is still not here. My BBT remains high. Tomorrow, I will test again. Or AF should have announced its arrival by then. I have no idea what's going on in my body this time. I don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs are not sore at all. My ute feels really bloated, like the lining's all ripe to be shed.  I do feel just a little nauseous from the hike in progesterone produced by the corpus luteum, but this has happened countless times before for me to know not to be fooled by this.

This has been the worst 2WW ever! Or rather 4WW! 
WHATEVER!
BFP or BFN, I just want this waiting to be over.

LUFS Has Left The Building!

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production.  The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put!  :-)

Possible Ms.RJ2 Sighted!!

I went in for another u/s scan yesterday, CD17, to see what's up with my eggs. Here's what the scan said:

I have a 14mm follicle still in there, which I will now call Ms.RJ2 (my second egg since going on Royal Jelly) A week ago there were two - a 8mm and a 5mm. I don't know what happened to the second follicle. Maybe it ovulated or maybe it did a houdini? I don't know. Well, I've actually read about women who ovulated twice in a cycle--I'd never be that lucky, but who knows? My eggs are a bit of a delinquent freak!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks that we should assume that I have not ovulated and that we still have a shot with this egg. According to my historical data (actually last month's chart) and the looks of this egg, he predicts that I will ovulate around CD20. So we've got our game plan on... What else but sex, sex, sex in the coming week!

And oh! Dr.NeverGiveUp gave me a nice compliment - he said my lining was very, very beautiful! I should be flattered!

Ovulation Mystery

Yikes! I might have missed my ovulation date this cycle!

I went in for my u/s scan yesterday, which was CD16 and the scan was inconclusive. Dr.NeverGiveUp said that the follicles looked unclear, which may indicate that I might have just ovulated. WHAT? The odds of that is pretty low, considering my history of no-show eggs or extremely late ovulation. So if I did ovulate this early, it's quite a shocker!

I POAS today, CD17, to see if there is an LH surge on the OPK. Well, the test line is almost as dark as the control line. This could mean 2 things - the LH is building up and I will ovulate soon, or that I am catching the tail end of the surge. Aaarghh! Wish I knew which it was! My BBT has also been pretty low all this cycle. I am to go in on Friday to have another scan to reevaluate where I'm at. Hopefully we'll know what's happening then.

Right now I am so confused. But still hopeful.

Sex Assignment

Well, I'll be damned! I have a 25mm folly on my left ovary, ripe and ready to launch! What's so amazing about that, you say? It's because it's frickin' CD40 and I thought I was on CD8!

I thought I had a period 8 days ago on CD33 when I encountered some spotting. It didn't develop into a full-blown period~just some brown spotting with a teeny bit of blood that tapered off within 3-4 days. It was strange but I shrugged it off thinking perhaps the lining didn't get to develop due to non-ovulation. There was no pain either, which is like-Wooyeah! Get out the champagne and fireworks, because a period with no pain is a day of celebration for an endo gal. (My celebration by the way, ended up in a bit of a disaster )  Also, 8 days ago during my last u/s scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my follicles were all undeveloped and still small.

Then, two days ago on "CD6", I started getting dollops of egg-white CM!

"Heck! It's a bit early for ovulation isn't it? My cycles are so damned screwed!" I thought.

After having an u/s scan today, Dr.NeverGiveUp concluded that the bout of spotting wasn't a period. So then why was I spotting? He explained that because my hormones were not good, my lining was not strong and was shedding a little. But since it looks like I will be ovulating, he advised us to try for 3 consecutive days. Then I remembered that we had planned to skip TTC for one cycle so that the meds have some time to work on me and make me a bit stronger. And since we're still officially on that cycle, what now? He said that we should just go for it since I don't ovulate very often...

So we're going for it! Unfortunately, my brother's coming over to stay with us for the weekend and the guest bedroom is right next to ours. With paper thin walls. We're so used to having the whole house to ourselves and not having to worry about what other people might hear. 14 years ago, when hubs and I were dating (yes-it was that long ago!) I used to visit at this very same house when his parents were living here. They've moved out since and we've inherited it. Anyway, when his parents were ready to launch into some bedroom "exercise", they would blare classical music from their bedroom. And I could still hear my future mother-in-law through those walls with the music on. Ewww right? So every time we heard classical music coming from that room, we knew-it was the "cue"! But I had such an admiration for them because I think it's amazing that people "that age" are still having such a healthy sex life! I hope hubs and I will still be healthily active like them, minus the music(!), when we hit that age!

My next appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp is a week from now, but till then, we've got homework! At least it feels that way. I have a little notebook which he gave me to jot my daily BBT down, and in that, he also marks down tentative dates for u/s scans. Today, he marked three crosses on friday, saturday and sunday, indicating that we are to have sex on these days. YES SIR!

He also gave us some instructions on how to do it! Okay, you can stop laughing now. If you're trying to conceive you may wanna pay attention too! Here's:

Baby-Making Sex 101

1) Once the man enters, do not pull out until after he ejaculates. Every time he pulls out, air can enter the vagina. We do not want to create air in the vagina because it pushes the sperm out when he withdraws. We want to maintain a vacuum in the vagina, and it's easier for sperm to be sucked into the uterus during orgasm in a vacuum.

2) Make sure your hips are elevated with a pillow before he ejaculates to minimize spillage.

3) Lie down, hips elevated, for two hours after that. 30 minutes is not sufficient. You may turn to your side but make sure you're horizontal for 2 hours.



Hmm, I guess no more wild experimental 100-sex-positions-a-night! It's got to be a 1-shot deal, and then lie down like a zombie after that! Don't even think about getting up for a snack or to pee anytime soon after that!

On top of our little "assignment", I am to take my chinese herbal pills twice a day, which he has changed up a bit. He seems to be changing my prescription every week. He gives us different dosages and formula to support the changing hormones in our cycle. Last week, he had me taking 4 more capsules daily on top of this. For this coming ovulatory phase, he's doubled those little black balls! Yes, I'm gonna have a ball swallowing those down!

Well, I'll have to say that hubs was noticeably more cheerful after we left the clinic. I mean, he was really happy and holding my hands and everything! I think he's probably thinking about all the sex that he's gonna get this weekend, but he says it's because he got to see my egg! I guess he's happy about me ovulating! Awww.... It's probably the best news we've had in a long while!

Wish me luck on our assignment!
 

I am not Oligoovulating!

O.

M.

G.

I am ovulating!

Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy.  Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.

So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.

The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance!  At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!

So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?

Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:

I never knew I had so much pigment, but they're 100% saturated by now I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for me to get any darker! My ass which is even whiter than that got sunburnt too while we were snorkelling for 3 hours at a stretch one day. The snorkelling was pretty amazing that day. In all my 14 years of diving and snorkelling, I have never seen plankton before and we hit a huge patch of plankton. We didn't know what it was at first but I figured it out cos the fish were in a feeding frenzy! The water was so dense with these bubble-like jelly plankton that I thought a whale shark was gonna come and scoop us into its mouth any minute. Apparently it was possible to see them (it's my dream to swim with a whale shark!) but plankton season which lasts about 3 months there had only just started. And 2-3 weeks before we arrived a huge turtle came and laid her eggs on the beach. We just have no luck!

Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.

Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter!  I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....

So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!

I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z

Dr Yeeeouch!

Let me tell you about Dr Yeeeouch!

After a very strange first consultation with him, we decided that we couldn't brush him off based on first impressions. After all, he seemed to be quite deft with needles and acupuncture points, having managed to clear my husband's sinuses with just a couple of pricks. He had given us some herbal medicine to consume over the course of the next few weeks or so, but there wasn't a clear plan of treatment. I was just waiting for an excuse to go back to him, sooner.

That came on the 25th of January, just 3 days after we first met him. Two days prior to my second appointment, I had been having the worst lower back pain. It wasn't a bone thing. And it wasn't my usual radioactive ass-throb, endo-related pain. It was just a very, very bad ache deep inside my body below the waist. I suspected a deficient condition, likely related to the kidneys (think TCM!) My hot water bottle came to the rescue.

Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short,  Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief! 

I thought it would go away after a day, but the pain continued onto the second day. So I thought, "Right, something is so wrong here. I am going to see the acupuncturist tomorrow". The next day, the pain was gone! Oh crap! I was really looking forward to seeing what acupuncture could do for it. I called up my new acupuncturist, complained to him about the pain in as many chinese words as I knew and said I was coming to see him! 

His other clinic wasn't optimally located either as it was again, across town from us in a different direction. But thankfully he was opened till 10pm, so we could avoid rush-hour traffic and mosey on down to his clinic leisurely after dinner. When we arrived, we were greeted by a young woman in a white doctor's coat and ushered straight to the acupuncture beds. We were reminded to take off our shoes at the door-that's how it is at this clinic-shoes off in all the carpeted rooms. Soon our new acupuncturist came to meet us, barefoot. Oh! So that explains his barefootedness when we first saw him. But, he was STILL in short sleeves and shorts! Yes, his top was a buttoned-down, smart-looking collared shirt, and his black shorts did look like the most formal style a pair of shorts could ever look, but that's not the image of a doctor that I am used to. All his other apprentices and students were smartly dressed in white coats and long pants, but he, the master, didn't seem to care. I don't know - maybe it's a chinese thing, but he seems to be saying that he knows who he is, he's secure in his abilities and all he wanted to be was comfortable. And he did come across as quite humble. So lets find out what he can do... I told him about my lower back pain and he motioned me to lie down face down. The bed had a hole for the face like those massage beds.

And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!

He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.

Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!

While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.

Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!

After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!


When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.

Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?

I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.

Oh dear god, help me!

I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!

Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?

We're Back!

YES! Me and my eggs are back! After what seemed like forever, my eggs which had been MIA since November have finally shown up!

I got a "Woohoo" on CD 18 (27th January)-- It's one of the puuuurtiest lines I have ever seen - on an OPK that is! Sadly, those elusive double HPT lines are still nowhere to be seen though...

Sorry for being MIA myself from the blogosphere for so long. It's been a wonderful break for me mentally. Having been absent here has probably done me quite a lot of good - I found myself obsessing and stressing less about my infertility and my Houdini eggs. But I've really missed you guys - I have so much of catching up to do.

So much time and stuff have passed since my last post. Where do I begin....? First of all, I guess a "Happy New Year" is in order! I can't believe we're already into the second month of the year! I hope everyone has had a great start to the new year and that this will be the year that dreams will be fulfilled for all the IF sisters here.

As for me, I am still trying to come to grips with the awful failure that 2009 was for me. I came into 2010 feeling very, very angry and frustrated. I wasn't feeling like I was given a new start. I wasn't in any mood to make any new resolutions. I wasn't feeling inspired or excited. It basically felt like 2010 was just an on-going, prolonging of 2009's misery.  Even the New Year's Eve party I hosted did little to bring any meaning or real joy to my life. I needed to escape from all this misery of unfulfilled TTC goals and desires.

And so escape I did - to Boracay. When I came back from my beach vacation in December (which was at Pangkor Island, a small little island off the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia - for all of you who asked) I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get away again to some island paradise. So in the 2 weeks that I was back, I feverishly did my research and settled for a vacation in beautiful Boracay, an island in the Philippines which is reknowned for it's brilliantly white powdery sand and clear, blue waters, as shown on the internetz.

After the mad dash to make our house look party-ready (and clean!) for the festivities, cooking for two Christmas dinners and one major New Year's Eve party, and doing the dreaded after-party clean-ups, AND planning the whole vacation basically all by myself within those two weeks, I was SO ready to escape to paradise for some R&R! Without any time to rest after New Year's, we packed our bags, spending every waking minute figuring out how to squeeze everything within the 10 kg (22 lbs) limit per person! Wow! What a feat it was! We have never travelled so lightly for an international trip before! On January 3rd, we left the house at 4 (IN THE MORNING!) to catch our flight and be on our way to our well-earned vacay.

Our budget airline (AirAsia, which was surprisingly pretty good) took us to Clark Airbase in Luzon, Phillipines. Getting to paradise wasn't going to be that easy as we had to take another plane to Boracay in the morning from Clark. That meant spending a night in transit. Well, Clark, which is an  ex-US airforce base is rather "interesting" to say the least. Angeles, the town around it, has for many years been servicing these army men and had developed quite a thriving sex industry there. Although Clark has been given back to the Philippines and the marines have left, the sex tourism is still there, and ex-marines have been coming back. Thankfully there weren't a lot of babies around - just plenty of sex. Well THAT- an IF sister can handle! Just not the sight of babies and pregnant women.

Everywhere we went, we saw old, fat, balding, (did I mention OLD) white men with YOUNG tiny Filipino girls. And I mean EVERYWHERE- in the hotel, in the streets, in the restaurants! We were the only same-race couple there. Possibly in the whole town! The hotel we booked was rated No.2 by Tripadvisor. Must be pretty decent right? So you can imagine our surprise when we found out that it had a popular lounge that boasted of some 80 sexy girls for "you"!! As you would expect there were more of those dodgy couples all over our hotel, some making out at the poolside, but at least they were generally pretty discreet. Thankfully the walls in our rooms were solid concrete and blocked out any noise. Infact, funnily enough, everything was built out of concrete into the walls - the wardrobe, the dressing table, even the bedside tables-all guaranteed to stay put from any... err.. shall I say "friction". Odd? Wait till you see the "red light".

I was lying in bed when I noticed one red bulb above me placed between 2 normal bulbs. What's that for? Maybe they ran out of regular bulbs? It had its own dedicated switch. Ohhh....! It eventually dawned on me that it was purely for no other reason than for SEX! Yes, we had our own little red light district in our bedroom! LOL!

Maybe it's to warn people outside the windows that the room was getting a little action? Maybe it's suppose to make us feel like prostitutes - a little "dirty" and risque? Maybe it's suppose to make us look sexy with a red glow on our skin???? Well, I can tell you that it felt anything but sexy - it felt like I was in a photo processing darkroom! One thing's for sure, no pregnancies came out of our little red light rendezvous! We can rule out that red light for TTC! 

And so we eventually got to Boracay on a little propeller plane. Now that I am back, I am still looking for my little private paradise. Boracay was certainly beautiful when you look out straight ahead into the clear, azure ocean lapping gently on the gorgeous white powder. But look left, and you'll see one million people on the beach. Look right and you'll see another guzillion people on the beach. This is what Boracay really looks like:

It feels like downtown on a patch of sand. The beach is a perpetual foot highway for human migration going to and from the mall (yes there's a mall). And the beautiful postcard colours are visible only morning till noon when the light is behind you. The sunset's gorgeous no doubt. This is paradise for some, but not for me. I am fussy when it comes to finding my perfect beach getaway. My heart is still yearning for a piece of private paradise somewhere. My soul is still looking for a moment of absolute bliss and peace surrounded by perfect beauty. After the past year of TTC failures, my soul needs some healing of sorts and I will continue looking for my sanctuary. It will be a place of uplifting beauty to rest and reconnect with myself and my husband - not with a million people. Though that one night of dancing at the club was really fun! ;-)

Sorry for having morphed this into a travel blog but this was what occupied me for the better part of January 2010! 

So stay tuned for more news - ie:

• My first TCM diagnosis back after the vacay... 
• Defecting to another TCM doctor... 
• New acupuncture horrors...
• New drug (herbal) dealer....
• Another year older...
• And another "Should-I-book-my-vacation-now-or-wait-till-a-BFN-what-if-I'm-pregnant-should-I-travel-especially-after-how-I-lost-my-baby-while-travelling" saga!

Plenty of topics to keep me occupied during my 2WW!

Luv to all you IF sisters out there! 

Zengirl

xoxo

PS-It'll take me a while to sort my shit out with all these changes and get back to blogging regularly, but I'll be touching base with your blogs by and by. For all the gals who have had BFPs while I was gone and have brought their babies into the world, my heart is bursting with joy for you - Congratulations! You know who you are! And for those still struggling on the TTC journey with me, keep going! We'll find a way! God bless us and keep us strong!

A Change of Heart

I am constantly amazed at what my TCM doc is able to read from just my pulse alone. My heart has been very heavy the past few days, dealing with my annovulation this cycle. I didn't want to reveal my sadness and stress to him because it was the exact opposite of what he told me to do. So when he asked "How do you feel today?", I basically told him that there had been no change since my last visit with him 4 days ago. Then he proceeded to read my pulse with his fingers. He spent quite a long time pressing his three fingers down on my wrist in different pressures and combinations. And he checked and checked again.

Puzzled, he asked,

"Why are you thinking so HARD? You're very stressed. Think SOFTLY..."

 "What do you mean think softly?" I asked.

He explained that I had been concentrating too hard. Well, I knew exactly what he actually meant because I have been weighing myself down with so many negative and intense thoughts. He gave me an example (with great animation I must add) - You could chop wood with great urgency and aggression, worrying about how quickly you can finish the job, or you could chop wood leisurely at half the speed singing "London Bridge is falling down..."  He said that I have to do things with a light and happy approach.

Well, I don't know how well I can apply that to my life all the time, but his diagnosis about my mood and psychological state with just his three fingers blew me away! Eeek! I feel so naked! I can't hide anything from him! He counselled me some more about the importance of nurturing my hormones with happiness and romance and I nearly broke into tears! I just felt so overwhelmed by what I should be doing as opposed to what I had been doing. Amazingly, after half hour of electroacupuncture, the sadness and heaviness went away...

Later when I went to the movies for a date night with DH, I found a dollop of egg white CM when I went to the loo (Yes-Mine-Not someone else's I randomly found on the floor or at the sink!) After all this time, I was still fertile? Suddenly I felt hopeful again! I could still ovulate and get a BFP this cycle. Never mind what I said yesterday about implantation on an old lining etc... I saw hope today and that's just what I want to hang on to.

Goodbye negative thoughts!
Goodbye worries!
Goodbye stress!

Hellooooooo hope!

And I intend to hang on to this as long as I can and go on my vacation with this renewed hope. I plan to  spend my 2WW in bliss and hope and romance. No OPKs or thermometers! Yes-Ignorance is bliss! I even managed to walk past two pharmacies today without buying anymore OPKs! I am in a much better place today! A sense of calm and happiness has crept back into my heart.

Hmmm.... I wonder if it really was a good omen when Zoey brought me Mr Tiger (my mascot for hope) yesterday???...Do-do-do-do-do-doooooooo..... (to the tune of X-files)......

Don't Worry, Be Happy?

It looks like my "Whatever" attitude's not gonna fly! 

I saw my TCM doc today and told him all about my ovulation woes - yes, I let it slip that I had still been using OPKs and they had been coming up negative. Again, he told me to stop using them because he doesn't want me stressing out over them. He wants me to be happy and let my body do its own thing. He kept stressing that hormones and emotions are inter-related--whatever I am feeling will effect my hormones and whatever my hormones are doing will effect my mood. So it's important for me to be happy and be in good spirits. I was anticipating him to break out into the "just relax" speech, but thankfully he stopped short of saying the "R" word! 

When he checked my pulse today, he said I should not worry about ovulation because I am actually doing well--my body is hot (his words!)! My egg should be ready to pop out soon. He told me last week that I am fit enough to conceive. So maybe there's still hope. 

This means I have to throw out my lack-luster "Whatever" attitude and be positive and HAPPY! I guess I better take some lessons from my cat Zoey who hasn't got a care in the world...

PS - I ignored my "fertility" diet and had a moist, dense, delicious brownie for dessert. It made me happy.......... VERY Happy....

"O" No! I'm Insufferable!

Today's post:

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...Whine, whine, moan, whine, groan, moan, whine, whine, whine! (x 10,0000000000000)

I still haven't ovulated.

"What? You're still obsessing about that?".....you're all yelling?

Uh-huh! I've had two positive OPKs now, but my BBT hasn't fallen, so I know it hasn't happened yet. Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...

My brain is incapable of thinking about anything else except ovulation and sex right now! Yes, I am a mad woman on heat! I don't know how much more my poor hubby can take of me bugging him for sex - he's so deprived of sleep, but I've already warned him that he has to make a "deposit" everyday for at least the next three days! So much for raw, spontaneous sex huh!

But the fact is, none of this sexercise matters if I haven't ovulated yet. Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan... (x another 10,0000000000000) So I thought I would double check with my TCM doc.

He read my pulse. He told me that I had not ovulated.

Yup. Based on my basal body temperature (BBT), he's just about 100% right. I didn't even tell him a single thing about my OPKs, or BBTs. Isn't it really scary how much my TCM doc knows about my body simply by reading the pulse on my wrists? He normally takes a reading from both my wrists - right side for qi, and left side for blood circulation, but even though he has been handicapped because my right wrist was "unavailable" (due to the injury), his supersonic fingers "heard" what my ovaries were saying! Freaky!

So after a bit more whining and moaning from me, he assured me that my condition was actually still good considering what my body's been through with the injury. He said it's likely that my O has been delayed because of that ie, some of the qi and energy in my body has been diverted to heal my cuts. OK-that's a pretty logical answer. My wounds have indeed been healing pretty well. The stitches on my palm have been out for 4 days now.

My wrist is still stitched up and looks nasty, but it's starting to turn pink like the rest of my arm. There's no feeling on the skin though. According to the doctor, the nerves have been severed but they do grow back, albeit at 1 mm a day. Not bad, except he says that nerves have to regrow from our back, which according to my calculation, based on the length it has to grow, it will take about 3 years to get to my wrist! Bring out the symphony again --

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...Whine, whine, moan, whine, groan, moan, whine, whine, whine! (x 10,0000000000000)....

Let's hope I have something to cheer about tomorrow... Go O! Go O! Go! Go! GO!

Pretty puhleeze....

October Sex Fest Back On!

After bawling my eyes out for two days, the OPK finally decided to turn positive on CD21! I'm ecstatic. But what a roller coaster ride it's been. I've been POAS like an addicted lunatic since CD15. And it had been very hard seeing a negative, one after another, especially with the high expectations I've been having. I really wanted this cycle to be an improvement on the last one, since I've been doing so well with the intensive moxa sessions, acupuncture and herbs. Seeing an improvement was especially important as I had just passed the one year mark of starting TCM treatments. But peeing on those damn sticks had been one big disappointment after another, day after day.

I've never even felt this devastated with BFNs for pregnancies. At least I knew I was given a shot at it. With no egg around, it felt like I wasn't even given a chance! And that really shattered me. And with all the additional bad luck I've had to deal with recently, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. But then, someone must have pitied me and given me a break. Although there's no guarantee, hopefully with the Luteinizing Hormone surge, it really means that ovulation is going to happen. Here's a pic of how the OPKs have been teasing and taunting me. (These are the lucky few I picked from the mountain of peed OPKs sitting on my dresser! I didn't want to show them all, incase you thought I was nuts or something ;-) Read from bottom to top. It's positive when the left blue line is similar or darker than the right line)

So all is good for now, and it's all systems go with hubby now! I might have to face another episode of devastation in a couple of weeks if AF comes, and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. But for now, I have a chance, and I am going to make my damndest best of it!

No "O"

It's CD 20 and still no ovulation. Damn!

But, but, but...My heat levels have improved. My egg white CM has been amazing. My saliva was in full-fern bloom!

My OPK says "NO!"

I turned to one of my books to try and understand the mysteries of ovulation. The first line of the chapter read,

"Ovulation is probably one of the most important aspects of fertility."

My heart sank. Damn it! I obviously haven't got "one of the most important aspects of fertility". I am screwed!

Just when I thought things were going well--My body was cruising at full speed ahead, and then--It slams on the brakes!

I can't even begin to understand what the hell goes on in my body.

I am so frustrated.

I am in a funk.

Infertility plain SUCKS!

SuperGirl Egg Whites

Talking about what comes out of my va-jay-jay isn't exactly what everybody is dying to hear, nor is it quite socially appropriate. But what I had last night was so spectacular, I can't not write about it!

If Supergirl was ever real and had cervical mucous, I think what I discharged last night would be exactly it! So after doing the "deed" with DH, and propping up my hips for 15 minutes - you know, doing all the stuff desperately TTC women do, I went to the toilet to pee. After wiping with a wad of TP, I let go the TP without looking. But strangely, it felt like it was still stuck to the va-jay-jay. I looked down. Huh? No TP there. But it still felt like something was hanging off me. I looked again. Then I saw the wad of toilet paper hovering midway above the water. What? What's going on here? So I retrieved the hovering TP and noticed that it was connected to me with some kind of superglue! I wiped the "glue" off me and had a good look. Holy Moly! That stuff just came out of my va-jay-jay! It was absolutely translucent and glossy with a slight yellow tint, exactly the way egg whites look. EXACTLY! Except that it was so strong, sticky and super-stretchy that it could be pulled to a length of 4-5 inches long! I was blown away! I have never seen anything like it coming out of my cha-cha! It was unbelievable. I even checked with DH and asked if it was "his"! He doubted it. So did I.

Well, unless there's a strange chemical reaction that happened when we were doing the "deed", my only conclusion is that that was all me! Ahh! So that is why they call the fertile CM egg white! It really looks like it! I know I sound like an extremely clueless, naive girl, but with the sorts of hormonal & menstrual problems I've had through my life, I guess I've never been normal. And all that acupuncture and herbs and moxa must have made me normal! Now I'm beginning to feel like a REAL woman!

And those super egg whites came at the right time because I should be ovulating any day now. It's CD18 and the egg should hatch around CD19 (fingers crossed). I've been peeing on the OPK obsessively and is seeing the second line appear very slowly. Yay! I think my LH surge is coming, followed by the egg hopefully! So my DH and I have changed our TTC strategy a bit. We will try and increase our chances of conception by having all his soldiers ready up there and waiting for the egg to break loose - instead of going nuts like rabbits only when we see the surge. So we're starting early. Who knows how long it'll take his soldiers to make the big swim - they aren't exactly marathon olympic champion swimmers!

Anyway, here are some pictures. No - not of my egg white hanging off my cha-cha, you perverts! LOL! Here's an update of my Frankensteinian arm, taken today when the dressing was changed, with the stitches still in. Although there hasn't been any noticable progress, my skin is STILL alive. Woohoo!

The cut on my palm is healing nicely. And neatly. My skin however looks awful! But it's red and alive and not infected, which is what counts:

Here are the cuts covered in gauze and antiseptic cream. The yellow stains on my arm are the side-effects from the local anesthetic:

And here's the arm all bundled up neat and nice. So you can never see how badly I'm itching in there!

Fertility Rules Are Meant To Be Broken

There is often a point of contention between my TCM doc and me over my methods of pin-pointing ovulation or my most fertile window.

"Throw away your thermometer!"

"Forget charting your fertile days!" my TCM doctor would say to me!

Having been brought up with a western approach to fertility ie: faithfully charting BBTs daily, peeing on ovulation predictor kits, etc, his advice shocked me to say the least! It goes against everything I believed about helping yourself increase your chances of success with conception. His explanation was,

"It doesn't work like this."

"HUH?"

I sat there stunned as he told me that sex could actually trigger ovulation, regardless of which Cycle Day you're on. He went on to explain that your mind and emotions can be so strong that it can have a physiological effect on your body. Simply put- if you're hot and horny, your hormones and qi are raging so much that it could trigger the release of an egg! This sounded too Twilight Zone to me! But he went on to explain that it was the reason why even young kids who have sex during their periods, even before their ovulation date, could get pregnant so easily.

Well, strange and bizarre as it may seem, I think perhaps that there is some truth to it. My mother's own personal account of how she conceived me seems to back up his theory. Most grown-ups never want to hear from their parents how they made us (too much information-Eeew!) but I'm sorta glad my mom told me about her experience. She told me that she knew precisely the moment at which she conceived me, which was at her (and my dad's) point of orgasm. (Too much information right?) During her climax, she felt the egg being released and she knew at that point that she conceived. It wasn't a hunch - she just knew it. She believes that her climax had triggered her ovulation! Perhaps my TCM doc isn't too far-fetched with his theories!?!

He also does not subscribe to the idea that a woman is infertile after her ovulation is over. When I mentioned to him recently that I had already O'd and that I was now waiting to find out if I conceived, he told me to keep trying. But, BUT... My fertile window is already over! I told him that I had read that the egg would only last 24 hours, and sperm a few days only. His other "It doesn't work like this" speech came out.

He explained that women/men who are undergoing fertility treatment with him are much more fertile and do not fall into the norm. He also talked about how the information we have from results quantified my lab tests do not always reflect real life conditions, nor do they consider other variable factors. So a woman's window for conception can actually be much longer if she is extremely fertile. One case that comes to mind is a fellow IF sister who managed to conceive even though she ovulated 9 days after she last had sex with her husband! Many left her comments saying that she was basically nuts for believing that, and that she miscalculated her O date. But she retorted that she knew her body very well, and that was what happened exactly. She had problems with PCOS and IF but with the help of TCM, she got pregnant and had just delivered a healthy baby boy! When I related this amazing story to my TCM doc, he said it was indeed possible. Her husband's sperm was very strong and she was so fertile (with sperm-friendly CM I assume) that his sperm was able to survive for so many days!

So all my preconceived ideas about fertility have flown out the window--or are at least hanging half-way out the window now. TCM treats the human body in its totality. Our minds, our emotions and bodies are intertwined with each other and impact our health more ways than we realize. As for my TCM doc's advice to me... Well, he told me that some of my problems, like my underperforming libido are in my mind, because my body is physically sound. He told me to go back and rekindle the kind of love and excitement I felt when my DH and I were courting. And that should get my hormones raging a bit. Now that's one advice I am happy to take!

Now that you know what I know, doesn't it feel like you've been transplanted onto another planet- which is neither Mars nor Venus? It's pretty incredible stuff! What do you make of all this?

My Furry 4-Legged Pitter Patter

I think all those days lying down with my tummy exposed dangerously close to a fiery moxa stick have actually done me some good! Firstly, my hormones must have kicked into place because - boy - was I horny around the time of my ovulation! My libido has been MIA for a while and it looks like it's finally back in action! My egg-white CM was also spectacular! I also ovulated on my own much earlier this cycle on CD19, compared to CD25 previously! Something definitely did light my fire! Now that my cycle has peaked and all the "necessary" baby dancing is out of the way, there's nothing I can really do, except to wait for the BFN- or hopefully, BFP! I'm keeping my fingers, and all my toes crossed, as always.

Since I've told myself not to obsess about the BFN/BFP, now's a good time to talk about other things in my life, such as our furry baby that has brought so much joy, and amusement to my & DH's lives. Meet Zoey, our fluffy fluff of feline fur! He's been with us for 8 of our 10 childless years of marriage and I've treasured every minute of it. He's an indoor cat, so he spends a lot of time with me, giving much pleasure and madness at the same time! And yes, you read right - it is a HE. We named him Zoltan but it has morphed into Zoey. And it has stuck! So, as first impressions are very important, I've dug up the purrtiest and most innocent photos I have of Zoey. Here's one of him enjoying the outdoors.



And here's one with those beautiful big round eyes of his. So innocent.... Comes in really handy when he does something naughty!!! I fall for it all the time...

My TCM Doc Passed With Flying Colors!

I tested my TCM doctor today. I had peed on an ovulation predictor stick today and saw a second line forming. That means my Luteinizing hormones are surging, slowly but surely. Yay! It's not quite a full positive yet, but I'm getting very close. And TCM doctors are supposed to be able to tell almost everything that's going on inside your body simply by reading your pulse.

Unlike the western way of reading a pulse purely to measure your heart rate, a TCM physician uses three fingers to read 3 points on your wrist. Each point is further divided into 3 levels or depths, which makes it a total of 9 "pulses". The combination of the pulses give a total picture of your body's health. Their fingers are so super-sensitive that they are able to read the differences in each pulse, ranging from "stringy" to "taught". (Heck! I can even barely locate my pulse sometimes!) I've read that they could tell if you're ovulating or pregnant just from reading your pulse.

Well, being a bit of a sceptic still, I couldn't resist checking what I knew against his "readings". So I asked him if I was ovulating. I expected a "yes" or "no" answer. Instead, he said, "Close. Just around the corner". Wow! That answer blew me away! He could even tell that it would happen soon. Some may think that it's a pretty vague answer and that he probably made a guesstimate based on my cycle. But for someone like me who has irregular cycles and temperamental ovaries, it's hard to know even if I would ovulate. And he doesn't chart my cycles-that's my job. I guess he knew what he needed to know from his readings and there was no need for me to update him with numbers and pee sticks. He really knows his stuff! As far as I'm concerned, he passed with flying colors!

Anyway, I had my last moxa for this cycle. He did tell me that it would have to stop when I ovulated. I asked him how we would know when to stop - he said he would know. I guess he does! Well, I am relieved that I'm done with the moxa for now. It is a bit nerve-wracking having a huge burning stick so close to the skin.

So now I am really looking forward to ovulating and making a baby this month! I am delighted that my body is behaving as it should this month! I even feel twangs of pain on my right ovary or thereabouts, which I hadn't in a long time. It must have finally woken up!

August Sex Fest Officially On!

WOOHOO! I'm ecstatic! I am finally ovulating! It has been at least 80 days since the last time I ovulated! The darker blue line that alluded me for the past couple of months finally showed up on my OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit)! Something's finally working! Which means I should be ovulating within the next 24 hours or so.

To increase the odds of sperm meeting the egg according to "Deanna's Sperm Meets Egg Plan", I've read that baby dancing should occur for 3 consecutive nights starting from the day the OPK turns positive, followed by one day of rest, and then one last try on the 5th night. So that could only mean one thing - the August Sex Festival with DH is officially ON!

My Ovary Is Not Dead

Almost Positive! Not of the preggers kind but apparently I have an egg that's waiting to break out! Today is Day 24 of my cycle and I am finally detecting a slight surge in my Luteinizing Hormone. Yippee! I have been peeing on those ovulation predictor sticks for a week now and have almost given up hope, till today! The blue line on the right is the control line, and the line on the left needs to be similar or darker than the control line on the right. I've been getting nothing for the past week (see the first stick on top) but today's stick (the second one below) shows a blue line forming! I am sooooo happy!

For most women, this is no big event at all, but for me, it's HUGE, given that I am desperately trying to conceive and there wasn't even any sign of ovulation last month. So, I am relieved that my ovary is still alive - at least one of them is! That explains the painful twangs I've been having in my lower left abdomen, and for the fact that I've been so emotional yesterday - I even cried watching old reruns of The Amazing Race! I can't wait to pee on another of those sticks and see THE elusive dark blue line tomorrow. I am SO keeping my fingers crossed!