This past week has brought a calm and quietness that I have dearly missed--my in-laws are finally gone! I don't want to sound like a cold, heartless, unappreciative bitch, but...
Hooray!
Yippee!
Ya-ba-da-ba-DOOOOOOO!
If I could, I'd be doing back-flips and cartwheels too! Because I'm finally able to breathe. Having them around was like having clingwrap stuck to your face: super clingy and suffocating! Now I can live my life for me and NOT for the Golden Child@my niece whom my in-laws worship. It's so nice to have my life back! Even if it's a pathetic infertile life!
So it's CD20. My obsessive peeing-on-sticks have come back to haunt me. I'm waiting for ovulation. And still no sign of it. Ugh! It's the same old sad drama all over again! Wa-wa-wa-waaa..... I am suppose to seek out a new fertility specialist and there's one that a friend of mine highly recommends. I was hoping to speak to her about her IVF experiences at that clinic and get the contact no and doctor's name, but she's in Japan for two weeks! It's so typical of my luck! So I'm impatiently counting the days until she gets home. I guess it's another month of "leaving it up to god" type of TTC. The other day, I complained to my TCM doc, as I always do these days about how long its been since my miscarriage with no sign of pregnancy... And all he could really say was that we had to leave it up to god! That kinda left me flabbergasted! His faith in god is a lot deeper than mine! He seems to think that my time will come and god has a plan for me. My interpretation: we can intervene all we want but god has the final say! It doesn't leave me very hopeful... SIGH!...
So whatever!
I'm kinda sick of the futility of chasing my baby dream. My confidence has been shattered somewhat badly by these recurring failures. I feel so devoid of hope or enthusiasm right now, it's depressing. I feel like taking a break from all this TTC crap. All it's done is stretch my patience thin, weigh me down, break my heart and milk my tearducts dry! There's suppose to be joy at the end of all this TTC suffering-a beautiful bundle of joy in our arms. But where is it? I'm so tired. Really tired. I don't even have the energy to carry any expectations any more. So I haven't got any expectations this month. I don't expect to get pregnant. So when AF comes around, I won't care and I'm not going to break down.
HAH! Yeah right! We shall see about that!
Well, there has to be something good in my life! What is it? Oh yeah - my in-laws are gone (Double Yabadaba-doooo!) and Ass-Throb Day didn't show up. My typical CD-10 Endo-related Throbbing-pain-in-the-rectum Event was a no-show this cycle, so my ass is ecstatic! My icy body is feeling a lot warmer and my libido has come back from the dead. All those TCM needles and herbal potions may not have made me a baby, but it has at least done some good for my hormones and my endo, or so it seems...
Showing posts with label in-laws. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in-laws. Show all posts
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Back From Hell
I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!
And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.
And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations! I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!
Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness
So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?
I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...
And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.
And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations! I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!
Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness
So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?
I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Peed $25 Away Today
I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a
BIG
FAT
NEGATIVE!
I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?
Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.
This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?
I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...
Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!
BIG
FAT
NEGATIVE!
I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?
Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.
This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?
I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...
Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Vacation Hell
Well, I made it back from vacation with my in-laws! And as expected, their obsession with the Golden Child a.k.a. Her Royal Highness (my 5 yr-old niece--see my last 2 posts) and their general paranoia drove me up the wall! You would think that a family vacation by the beach would be a fun and relaxing affair, but no... At least not for me. I so need to vent and let some of this steam out, but I might have a heart attack reliving it in detail, so here's the "short" of it:
Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.
2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.
3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.
4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.
5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!
6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!
(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)
And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!
And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!
So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!
Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no! Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired. Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!
I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.
And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now.... 137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!
Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.
This is a very odd and unusually long cycle. My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.
My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?
Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.
2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.
3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.
4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.
5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!
6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!
(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)
And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!
And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!
So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!
Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no! Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired. Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!
I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.
And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now.... 137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!
Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.
This is a very odd and unusually long cycle. My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.
My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?
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