Divine Intervention or Dr.Google?

Do you think god sometimes answers your prayers...just a little?

Well, he didn't answer my prayers about ovulating--maybe because I didn't specifically say to him,

"God, please, please, please make my ovary lay me an egg..."

But he might have responded to my other "prayer": If you remember my mini meltdown a few days ago..., well, I decided to see my TCM doc the next day to get some answers about why my cycles were getting worse. He said he had no idea why because all my tcm vital signs told him I was doing rather well. Needless to say, I was frickin' disappointed and annoyed with his answer. My TCM doc's good (I did get pregnant within 3 months of being under his care) but he is not a fertility specialist. While I was laying on the clinic bed with a million needles stuck into my belly, I cried out in exasperation,


"God, Help Me!" (Not out loud, but in my head. The new needle-virgin patients waiting for their turn might appreciate that).

The next day, Saturday, I spent most of my time surfing the internet for answers. Most of my searches led me to fertility acupuncturists that were not even anywhere within a thousand miles from where I lived. Yet they were exactly what I wanted and needed. I was so desperate I fantasized about moving across oceans to be near them. After what seemed like an eternity drifting through cyberspace in desperation, I FOUND ONE! And he practically operates out of my own backyard. OK, I exaggerate, but his clinic is in my neck of the woods. The acupuncturist specializes in infertility and claims to use both Chinese and Western Medicine to diagnose infertility (they include hormonal bloodwork and ultrasound scans to monitor your follicles for ovulation) but use traditional chinese medicine to treat IF. This was exactly what I was looking for! I mean, yes, I still have delusions that at 39-going-on-40, I, endo girl with poor sperm DH, will get pregnant and have a baby without resorting to ART!

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Okay, you can stop laughing now... Of course I still have a back-up plan--I will still talk to a fertility specialist about doing ART.

We plan to see this new fertility acupuncturist tomorrow. Maybe I just got lucky with Dr.Google. Or maybe God heard me and decided to give me a helping hand. So this is my new prayer to God:

"Oh God, please, please, please let him speak English.
May his english vocab extend beyond the words "Hello" and "We accept credit cards".
And please, please, please don't let his needles hurt.
May my acupuncture sessions with him be devoid of any screaming.
That's right God, please don't let him be a Dr.Yeeeoch v 2.0!

And please, please, please God, may I have a baby real soon!"

Back To My Regular Infertile Life

This past week has brought a calm and quietness that I have dearly missed--my in-laws are finally gone! I don't want to sound like a cold, heartless, unappreciative bitch, but...

Hooray!


Yippee!


Ya-ba-da-ba-DOOOOOOO!

If I could, I'd be doing back-flips and cartwheels too! Because I'm finally able to breathe. Having them around was like having clingwrap stuck to your face: super clingy and suffocating! Now I can live my life for me and NOT for the Golden Child@my niece whom my in-laws worship. It's so nice to have my life back! Even if it's a pathetic infertile life!

So it's CD20. My obsessive peeing-on-sticks have come back to haunt me. I'm waiting for ovulation. And still no sign of it. Ugh! It's the same old sad drama all over again! Wa-wa-wa-waaa..... I am suppose to seek out a new fertility specialist and there's one that a friend of mine highly recommends. I was hoping to speak to her about her IVF experiences at that clinic and get the contact no and doctor's name, but she's in Japan for two weeks! It's so typical of my luck! So I'm impatiently counting the days until she gets home. I guess it's another month of "leaving it up to god" type of TTC. The other day, I complained to my TCM doc, as I always do these days about how long its been since my miscarriage with no sign of pregnancy... And all he could really say was that we had to leave it up to god! That kinda left me flabbergasted! His faith in god is a lot deeper than mine! He seems to think that my time will come and god has a plan for me. My interpretation: we can intervene all we want but god has the final say! It doesn't leave me very hopeful...  SIGH!...

So whatever!

I'm kinda sick of the futility of chasing my baby dream. My confidence has been shattered somewhat badly by these recurring failures. I feel so devoid of hope or enthusiasm right now, it's depressing. I feel like taking a break from all this TTC crap. All it's done is stretch my patience thin, weigh me down, break my heart and milk my tearducts dry! There's suppose to be joy at the end of all this TTC suffering-a beautiful bundle of joy in our arms. But where is it? I'm so tired. Really tired. I don't even have the energy to carry any expectations any more. So I haven't got any expectations this month. I don't expect to get pregnant. So when AF comes around, I won't care and I'm not going to break down.
HAH! Yeah right! We shall see about that! 

Well, there has to be something good in my life! What is it? Oh yeah - my in-laws are gone (Double Yabadaba-doooo!) and Ass-Throb Day didn't show up. My typical CD-10 Endo-related Throbbing-pain-in-the-rectum Event was a no-show this cycle, so my ass is ecstatic! My icy body is feeling a lot warmer and my libido has come back from the dead. All those TCM needles and herbal potions may not have made me a baby, but it has at least done some good for my hormones and my endo, or so it seems...