My Achy Breaky Ute

The last 2 days have not been fun for me.

After a wonderful break from endo pain last month, some achiness returned this AF on CD3. It wasn't excruciatingly painful, thank goodness - just a persistent annoying ache. But what made it worse was that gastritis turned this achey party into a double whammy. It has always been a mystery to me why the two always go hand in hand. It's as if the pain can't exist alone without his friend, gastritis. The period pain is gone now but the pain in the stomach still lingers. Recovery from gastritis always takes the longest for me, usually sticking around for 2-3 days after the period pain is long gone. It just plain sucks!

It also sucks that Dr.NeverGiveUp has asked me to increase my dosage of bee spit (royal jelly). I should finish one bottle within a week, but it has taken me two weeks. So I am now taking a heaped teaspoon of it, twice a day. I'm getting pretty efficient at the whole horrific process of downing this disgusting stuff:  Prepare menthol lozenges, and large cup of water. Pinch nose, hold, shove bee spit in mouth, concentrate hard on swallowing, gulp down water, pop lozenge in mouth. Release nose after menthol fumes have totally engulfed entire ENT system. It's a routine now. One time hubs saw me walking around pinching my nose.

"Oh! Royal Jelly huh?"

No explanation needed.

Anyway, when I had my appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp, I told him that AF had showed up. His reply?

"Good!"

I was taken aback my his cheerful reaction.

"Why is that a good thing?" I asked.

He said that it was good that my period had come on its own- it showed that I did have eggs, although they weren't good quality. I reminded him that my FSH was very low during my last blood work and that already indicated that I have a good reserve of eggs. He seemed very pleased about that.

Anyway, Dr.NeverGiveUp believes so much in bee spit that he's asked me to come in for a u/s scan on CD13, incase I ovulate early, even though I typically ovulate very, very late or not at all!  He seems to think that this stuff is so potent that it will lure my eggs out early. Well, we shall see about that!

ROTFL

It's CD2 and I am in NO PAIN! 

What? Did these words just come out of a "Premium" Endo Sufferer? 

Yup! They did. Totally UNBELIEVABLE, but I'm doing a little jig and am having a great CD2! 

My celebration is probably a little bit premature though, seeing as I'm hardly bleeding! Does this even count as a period since my ute didn't even behave like a normal one this past month? After all, my eggs did do a Houdini on me! Oh my gawd! Am I in menopause?

But despite the fact that everything that can go wrong in a cycle did go wrong with me, I've been unusually happy (ok-this can't be menopause). This past few weeks, it feels like an invisible rock's been lifted off my shoulders, and I would take delight in the silliest little things:

Just the other night, I was looking at a few Tintin comic books that hubs just bought (he collects them) and decided that the dog Snowy was my favorite character. Who wouldn't find a talking, opinionated, smart-ass dog whom nobody can hear, adorable? Then I started telling hubs about a dog I had, as a child, that was named Snowy too. The conversation went like this,

"Did you know that I had a white dog named Snowy? ...And a brown dog named Browny? ...And a black dog named Blackie? ...And a cat named Kitty?....." 

...Followed by uncontrollable fits of deep, belly-shaking, lung-ripping, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe laughter! It had just dawned on me that my mother had the most uncreative names for our pets. And I just found that absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard! I mean, okay, it's funny, but on a normal day, I probably wouldn't find it that funny! 

(Just for the record, I also had a dog named Brandy and a dog named Whiskey! All mom's doing! Hubs family does a lot better in the naming department. When we were married, I inherited their black dog which hubs originally wanted to name Carbon! OMG! ROTFL!!! But he thought, wait, what a dumb-ass name for a dog, so they chose Diamond~another form of carbon. Now, that is cool! But then again, they did name their sausage dog (dachshund) Flappy-because its ears would flap when she came running! And just for the record, again, I too had a sausage dog named Jessie, and a second sausage dog named Jessie 2 and a third sausage dog named Jessie the Third! My mom's a creative genius with names!!! ) 

And just last week, hubs and I went to watch Predators because Inception was all sold out, and during one of the goriest scenes, I laughed out so loud because it seemed fascinatingly, ridiculously funny. It was odd because I suddenly realized nobody else was laughing!

Anyway, the point is, I've been laughing a lot! Could this be a hormonal thing, disastrous as mine is? 

Totally Thrown Off-Guard

Woke up today - still sleepy.


BBT is low - same old story.


Not ovulating - same old crap.


Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.


Evening TP wipe - blood.


Blood????


WTF???????


CD1 already?


Not even a chance to ovulate?


A  #@*&!$  non-ovulatory cycle.


My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.


Oh well...!


SNAFU!


Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!


(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

Staying Positive While Popping Pills

I spent the last few days drowning myself in a million pills that are supposed to help me get through AF. I've been taking:

                                                +

The top pic shows my usual daily onslaught of TCM meds. The bottom pic shows what I took in addition to it for AF pain and gastritis (which always seem to accompany AF pain without fail). Doesn't the amount look just insane?

There was no pain on CD1 (yay!) but the pain came on CD2 and 3. It wasn't too bad, and I suppose I could have handled the pain without meds since I've suffered a lot worse before, but I copped out. Initially I thought I could rough it out so that I could assess my true condition. Hubs thought it was a good idea too. But uhm...Nope-I didn't feel too much like being a hero. I am just not a fan of pain! Those extra meds were a great friend to me for those two days. The flow was a bit heavy on the 2nd and 3rd day, but at least it wasn't like Niagara Falls. It's now CD5 and it feels like someone has just started to turn off the tap.

So why do I like to document all this and gross you out with all my AF symptoms? Because in TCM, it's recognized as an effective gauge on how well you're doing. If your hormones, energy and blood circulation are good, and there are no uterine abnormalities, you should have a perfect period: one that bleeds bright red straight away, moderate volume, no clots, no pain, and lasts 5-7 days without any spotting before or after. And that's what I am working towards - a healthy, normal functioning reproductive system.

This one's hardly a perfect period, but what I'd like to focus on is the positive stuff-
Hey! My period wasn't any worse than before! Therefore, in my miserable, crappy uterine IF world, that's actually great news! So here's why I got my party whistle out:

1. There were no clots
2. The volume was no worse than before
3. The color looked quite bright and healthy
4. The pain wasn't too bad nor worse than my previous AF 
5. Ms.Nasty has not grown
6. I had a lovely bi-phasic BBT chart this past cycle
7. And I did ovulate on my own even though it took hell of a long time!

It's probably too early to assess if Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment is any good, but I didn't get worse. That's something to celebrate huh?

(For some strange reason, I've been craving margaritas and cosmos during my last 2WW. Anyone have that as a pregnancy symptom? LOL!!!)






PS- By the way, a big "Thank You" to all of you who came out to share and support me at my last post. It meant a lot to me!

WTF Period On 11DPO

I'm so sad.

I knew this cycle was a bust for me. I just knew I wouldn't get pregnant given the condition I'm in. And I was so sure that I wouldn't feel upset because I was already expecting a BFN.

But what do you do when AF arrives 4 days early? Today would have been 11DPO, but I've started bleeding already. This means that I had an incredibly short luteal phase at only 10 days. Which is just Plain. Bad. News.

And I am just wondering whether the love-making we had last night brought on the period. In fact, I told hubs that it may cause it to come early, though deep down I felt it was quite unlikely given that my period was still quite a few days away. So I was really shocked to wake up and find spotting on my underwear. And bright red on the TP wipe. And it's been building up. My BBT has plunged too. I'm pretty sure this is it (AF).

It's happened to me before but usually just the day or 2 before my expected AF. But never this early. Has anyone had their periods induced by sex before? If it has happened to you before, can you please let me know because I feel like such a freak right now?

If this is a normal occurrence, then, is this why they tell you not to have sex during your 2WW if you're trying to conceive? I've heard about not exercising or having sex during the 2WW and I used to stick to it religiously, but I was beginning to think that it was all bullshit when I never got pregnant anyway. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me not to exercise in the last 3 days before AF but he never mentioned anything about sex.

So now I'm upset and confused.

I already have a long list of infertility challenges - endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, irregular ovulation and bad eggs. And I really don't want to add "luteal phase defect" to it.

I've been holding up quite well the whole day, but I think I'm beginning to crack.

I'm such a walking disaster.  Sniff!

My Third And Newest TCM Doctor

Having started treatments at a new fertility clinic recently, I'm officially in a new chapter of my TTC drama now. I've been to the clinic 3 times to date, and even though all they've given me were mainly bad news, they're NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I am so happy and grateful!

Meet my brand new TCM doc ~ Dr.NeverGiveUp!

• He speaks English. (Clouds in the heavens are parting...Aaaaa-lleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!)
• He is trained in both western and chinese medicine and is the only doctor here that integrates both to treat infertility. (Just what I wanted! Woohoo!)
• He is an acupuncturist too. (Nice to know he got skillz)
• Has a Ph. D specializing in fertility. (He must know his stuff!)
• He also lectures and has been invited by a university to set up the first department to teach integrated medicine for infertility in the country. (He must really, really know his stuff)
• He's quite patient with my 1 million and 1 questions. (I like doctors who explain)
• He is honest. (He does not sugarcoat things and is realistic) 
• He told me to never give up because humans are meant to reproduce. (That's the spirit I need in my doc)
• He believes that our bodies have an amazing ability to rejuvenate itself and adapt (He gives me the hope I need)

I think he really is the answer to my prayer! I am shocked that god heard me. And answered. Infact he gave me two doctors.

Meet the wife and assistant of Dr.NeverGiveUp ~ Dr.Don'tWorry!

• She speaks English too. (Alleluia chorus-Round 2! )
• She is a chinese medicine doctor and acupuncturist. (Nice to have a second opinion)
• She's sweet and kind. (When I came in with cramps and waited torturously for my turn, she told me that I could jump the queue next time and not have to endure the wait if I was in pain!)
• She keeps telling me not to worry and just be happy. (I'm sure it's hormone-related advice ie, less stress, better hormones)

Having been with a very traditional doctor in TCM the last year and half (with "TCM doc"), I am not used to the ways of this clinic yet.

- I am required to submit my BBT which has to be taken precisely at a time I choose between 5-8 a.m. with at least 5 hours sleep prior. I must use the digital thermometer supplied and record, (in Celsius-I'm used to Farenheit), the temps in a notebook which they will check and draw a graph from. Wow! I am not used to having someone scrutinize my BBTs like that! 

- They will occasionally take my blood to test my hormones. It was never this scientific with my previous TCM doc. I like seeing proof. And Dr.NeverGiveUp is a pro at taking blood! My veins are notoriously hard to find-I've been probed and jabbed all over my arms and even the back of my hands with needles just to find blood. He found a vein on his first try! He's my hero!

- They will give me an ultrasound scan every time I go in for my weekly appointment to monitor my uterus and follicles. For this, I am required to drink 1.5 L (6.5 cups) of water and hold it before I visit the clinic. And they won't scan me till I'm bursting to go to the toilet! Wooo-peee! They charge me $50 for each scan but I only have to pay for 7 scans. After that it will all be free, even if I remain there for years or if I come back for treatments for a second or third child! I think that's awesome! 

- They will tell us when to have sex. No kidding. We are scheduled to have sex on the 12th of May! He wrote that on my BBT notebook! Precision timed sex seems to be a big part of his "treatment".

- I am required to take lots of herbal pills. Did I say pills? Yes!!! I did! Pills! No more gluggy, black, nasty, evil tasting herbal potions to brew and drink! It's so convenient and it frees up so much of my time. It's amazing how much more relaxing it is with this pill regiment! I don't have to constantly check on boiling herbs, or worry about burning my pot and setting off the fire alarm anymore! 

- I won't be having acupuncture. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that he rarely prescribes acupuncture these days. He says that in his experience, acupuncture isn't very effective for infertility. That herbal medicine does the job better. I'm not sure I agree with him, but... What? No more being pricked all over like a voodoo doll? Shocking!

This method of treatment is indeed new to me but I hope this journey will be a fruitful one for me. I am not discounting my previous treatment with TCM doc nor discrediting his work. Infact I believe that I have less pain now because of him. My periods are shorter and I don't lose crazy amounts of blood anymore. The last time AF came, there was less pain, hardly any clots, and lasted only 7 days. And I did get pregnant for the first time in my life while under his care. But I am still not well. I am far from it. I think he's taken me as far as he could. And now I need someone else to take me further along towards my goal of having a baby. 

 Is Dr.NeverGiveUp my next stepping stone towards that goal? 

I hope and pray he is.

Back From Hell

I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!

And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.

And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations!  I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!

Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness

So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?

I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...

Freedom!

Zoey Escapes! This is one of the many times that my cat Zoey attempts to escape from the house. I had left one window opened in the bathroom and he fearlessly went for it! He has given me many heart-attacks over the short course of his life!

I always keep Zoey indoors, afraid that the dogs in the neighborhood would get to him. And I'm paranoid about catnapping too! Yes, you could say I am a rather over-zealous and over-protective "mum" to Zoey. But he is my "baby"! Although I foiled his Great Escape this time, I met him on the other side and let him enjoy the outdoors under supervision, as I always do everyday. He must have felt great about his freedom, because he was extremely contented after that.

I too have been feeling this exhilaration of freedom - freedom from intense pain that usually dogs me a few days a month when AF visits. The last few days have been incredible because I was pain-free after CD1. I usually only see the four walls of my bedroom during the first few days of my period, compliments of endometriosis. Today is only CD5 but already, I feel like weeks have passed and I've lived such a full life: I've been out for dinners, out on a movie date with hubby, gone to the clinic for acupuncture, hung out at Starbucks with my fav caramel hot chocolate, managed to mop the floors, do the laundry, iron a mountain of clothes, clean the litter box, cook meals, make Zoey a new toy, reach out to my friends, do my work and blog! Plus the usual eat-shit-sleep!

I am amazed at how much life can be lived in just 5 days, and stunned by the realization that this is how much endo robs from me every month! Endo has imprisoned me for such a long time, and I am thrilled to be breaking out from its clutches. The freedom to live my life the way I want, while bleeding, has been liberating and exhilarating! I owe so much to my TCM doctor for making me better and for helping me regain my life back. Down you go endo! Down-you-go!

I feel so happy and free! A quote from Walter Matthau (as Albert Einstein) in the movie "IQ" sums it up passionately for me --

WA-HOOOOO!

Less Pain, Life Gained

The flood gates opened today, and I am surprisingly well enough to be sitting up writing this. The red tide arrived on the dot as I had expected, and though it brought some pain with it, it is amazingly manageable. I actually managed to leave the house on CD1-something I've never been able to do the last 6 months! I am a functioning human being today, which is cause for celebration! Woohoo! 

I had such a wonderful day today. I went out for dinner with a group of friends and even had them over at my house after dinner. (I entertained on the first day of my period! GASP!) I did have some help though to manage the slight bit of pain. With the history I've had with pain, I am certainly no bubbly sunshine anytime pain comes near me. And so I armed myself with 500mg of naproxen sodium before heading out to dinner. Took an hour to take effect, (I am surprised that it even worked, because sometimes it's as effective as eating candy) and it lasted a good 6 hours. As a trade-off I am now suffering from a bit of gastritis. As soon as my guests left, I crashed on the couch for 2 hours. I only had 1 hour of sleep the entire night last night because of the dull ache - although not that painful on my scale of pain-o-meter, it was like having an annoying toothache the whole night. After the nap, I am now bright awake even though I have not made up for the loss of sleep. The painkiller's worn off now, and the pain came back momentarily. But I can happily say that it's GONE now-entirely on its own! and I actually feel energetic! I really think the worst is over!  

So I've only had 1 day of pain. Why was I spared this time? I haven't done anything different during this last cycle, except for moxa, to warrant this improvement. So I think the moxa must have made a great difference to my body. I saw my TCM doc yesterday and even though I complained to him about the dull ache that had started to creep in, he checked my pulse and said there was no blood stasis. I guess he was right because so far my flow, although a little heavy, has been free of clots! What a big difference compared to the previous cycle! Everything is flowing as it should and I would definitely attribute this to the 12 moxa sessions I had! I am just sooooo happy that I am finally beginning to see some real improvement. 

If the pattern of my periods before I last conceived is anything to go by, that means I should have at least another 2 pain-free, flowing periods before I will be able to conceive. Hopefully that's the kind of logic my body works with. Now it's looking possible that I might conceive before the year end. I don't want to speculate, but I am certainly feeling positive about this now.

Who knows what the future brings. But for now, I've got my wish -

I finally got my life back! Yeehar! 

A Reflection Of My Journey

As optimistic as I am with the prognosis of TCM in my situation, it has not been a smooth ride. I've had the fortune of experiencing 1) months where I was pain-free, and 2) one miraculous pregnancy (at least to me!). But I have also lost the baby, dealt with the most extreme physical pain I've ever known, and my body is still battling to recover to full health since my miscarriage-- all this in the last 10 months since I started my course on Traditional Chinese Medicine.

So where in my heart do I stand with TCM? The lack of progress in the last few months has shaken me up a bit, but I still want to believe badly that this course of treatment will work for me. For one, my initial response to the treatment turned me from a sceptic to a believer. My TCM doctor told me that if I followed his recommendations, the awful pain I experienced with my period would decrease by 50%. When my next period came around, the pain had decreased not by 50%, but by 100%! That means NO PAIN! None! Zilch! I was astounded! Thinking it was a fluke, the next period came along, and again, no pain! And the same with the next. I have suffered pain from endometriosis for more than 10 years of my life, and to have this gone after a month of treatment really shocked me. It converted me into a believer. How can it not? And to top it off, I had a surprise of my life when I found out I was pregnant while I was on vacation. We had failed to conceive on our own for 4 years, and after 4 months of treatment, out of which we had only TTC during one cycle, we conceived straight away! It was so clear that the treatment had been affecting my body positively. And it is because of these amazing results that I believe in the healing powers of this form of medicine.

However, the miscarriage has knocked me back several steps. TCM advocates paying particular attention to healing after birth/miscarriage due to the loss of energy and blood, which I had neglected to do out of ignorance. And I have failed to realise the consequences of my ignorance until today, when I found out how weak my body still is. Last week, in an effort to heal me more aggressively, I underwent moxibustion sessions 5 days in a row. My body responded so well to it and my energy levels began to rise. I thought I was on my way. But after having a 2-day break over the weekend, my session with my TCM doc today revealed that I had degenerated again. I was so disappointed! My doctor had always told me that problems inherited after pregnancy due to neglect is a "terrible, terrible thing" that can affect a person for the rest of her life if not treated. The last 5 months since I miscarried, I have suffered some of the worst pain I ever felt from a period, even with treatment. Nor have I been able to conceive. The difference in my body's response to TCM treatment pre and post miscarriage is obvious. I have inherited more problems now on top of my endometriosis and pre-existing problems. If only I knew what I should have done back then... I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated.

But TCM has worked for me before. I AM able to get pregnant. I've OVERCOME the pain before. And with a little more diligence and patience, there is no reason why it won't work for me again. So I am soldiering on with my head high. I have a great doctor, a promising treatment and a loving husband who's with me every step of the way. I WILL achieve my dreams.

Report Card

I got an "F" on my report card - for my period again this month! This is my 4th period after my miscarriage. I wanted to score an "A" so badly and have a perfect period - one that was pain-free and clot-free! But it was not to be. My body had failed me. Again.

The pain hit me hard, making sure I knew my period had well arrived after 2 days of spotting, and hung around with a vengeance for two full days. Out came my usual emergency coping system - caring husband, hot water bottles, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and cat... Painkillers are out of the picture because they irritate my stomach and give me added problems, lengthening my recovery time. So it was mainly comfort stuff that gets me through the agony. My dear husband scored a big "A+++" though for being there for me every step of the way - preparing every meal for me, driving all over town to buy a particular type of sanitary pad I would only use, giving me massages, refilling my hot water bottles, getting me hot drinks and anything else I needed. He's my Hero! I love him so much!

But, I am so tired of having all this pain. And it is difficult to accept, especially since my treatments are suppose to make me better. I am just filled with frustration. And no baby in sight! The only silver lining in this particular cloud is that, my pain only lasted for two days, whereas I would often be in agony at the very minimum of three days! That's at least a whole 24 hours LESS of rolling around in pain and cold sweat. And the flow was not crazily heavy like it normally is. So I suppose there is actually an improvement there. Perhaps that's something to smile about? Well, maybe I should bump my report card up to an "F+" then!

Shattered Dreams

There's nothing worse than getting up to a brand new day only to have your hopes and dreams come crashing down on you. I discovered first thing this morning that Aunt Flo had visited me sometime in the night and left me with the news that I dread every month - that I have failed to conceive again.

This visit took me by surprise because it wasn't due for another two days. This meant further bad news - I have a shortened Luteal Phase, as if endometriosis wasn't bad enough. Hearing how depressed I was, my sweet hubby tried to give me hope by suggesting that it could be implantation bleeding. It lifted my spirits up for a while, giving me a spark of hope, but I knew it just wasn't possible. And with all the signs of what a period shouldn't be - dark and dotted with clots, I am bracing myself for some more bad news - Immense pain and agony throughout the period. I don't know how I am going to make it through the next few days...

Aunt Flo's Horrible Visit

Another awful visit from Aunt Flo this time. This would be my third period after my miscarriage. The last cycle leading up to this period was terribly  disappointing because my body was so out of whack. I was looking forward to some serious baby dancing this cycle, but my body did not ovulate. It usually happens around Day 20 but the ovulation stick basically said No Way Hosea! I peed on so many ovulation sticks, day after day, that I finally gave up because the ovulation sticks always came back a resounding NO! However I suspect that -based on my body temperature and the discharge- that if I did ovulate it might have been at Day 28. That's 4 weeks into my cycle, which is too late in my opinion to have a hormonally healthy environment for a viable pregnancy. My period was also a week later than usual. And all this culminating into another excruciatingly painful period. 

I was so upset not only by the pain but the fact that my body had shown no signs of improvement despite having religiously taken the herbal medicine everyday, sitting through acupuncture twice weekly, sleeping with a hot water bottle on my uterus and abstaining from cold, icy drinks throughout the month. Oh well, except for maybe twice when I gave into ice cold coke and some ice-cream! But that was only two days out of the entire cycle! 

In TCM, painful periods are the result of a condition called blood stasis, which is evident as passing  dark coloured blood and clots during periods. I had plenty of clots this time, and I can't believe that it was all due to those two sinful days! So I asked Master L, my TCM doc why this was happening despite following his treatment-which had been very effective for me when I first started. Within a month of his treatment I had pain-free periods and within 4 months I had conceived. But after my miscarriage, the treatments were getting no where. It had been 3 cycles since the miscarriage - and despite all the treatment, my cycles were longer and the periods were horrifically painful and heavy. The only improvement I had this last period was that I felt 30% less pain and that the flow was not very heavy. It was too little of an improvement for me because I was still bed-ridden for days, breaking out into cold sweat and keeled over in pain and not being able to sleep or eat because of the pain. This did not feel like progress to me.

Master L's explanation was that my body had not forgiven me for the abuse that it suffered after the miscarriage due to the lack of care I had given it. I did not rest and heal and nourish my body the way I should have. As a result my body is still reeling in from the consequences of my neglect and there are still some unresolved problems in my system. Suffering from conditions such as endo and hormonal imbalance meant that I was suffering from a bigger set back than normal healthy women who had miscarriages.  His conclusion was that what he did for me was not good enough - that his treatment was right, but it had to be "more right" (his words!) As for me, that meant 100% diligence in abstaining from cold and raw food. Ai-yai-yai!  So with my silly logic I asked him- if ingesting cold stuff was a problem, wouldn't it be ok to drink something very hot following a cold drink to counteract the coldness? His reply was that it would be like putting on a band-aid after first stabbing your body with a knife.  Sigh! I guess there's just no cheating! 

The Diagnosis

It was only about 7 years ago that I finally managed to put a name to the menace that wreaked havoc on me every month. And I regret to say that it wasn't a doctor who diagnosed my nightmare-it was a self-diagnosis. For years, doctors would brush my concerns aside and tell me that cramps and heavy bleeding were quite normal, but I knew it was not - because I remembered a previous life before pain. They investigated little beyond my annual pap smear and sent me home. For years I just lived with mild painkillers that did nothing for me. A switch to ibuprofen helped but aggravated my gastritis. I was desperate for a cure or anything that would take away the pain. But how do you look for a cure when you don't know even what you've got? Then I met someone who experienced painful periods like me and took meds that relieved her pain. That was when I first heard that E-word: En-do-me-trio-sis. Could that be me? This clue brought the Sherlock Holmes out of me, and with Google as my magnifying glass, I looked through pages and pages of information about endo. The more I researched, the more I realized what a textbook case of endometrosis I had!

• Pain before and during periods - Check!
• Pain with intercourse - Check!
• General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month - Check!
• Low back pain - Check!
• Heavy and/or irregular periods - Check!
• Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation - Check!
• Painful urination during menstruation - Check!
• Fatigue - Check!
• Infertility - Check!

And none of the doctors could tell me this. They didn't even bother to ask me the right questions that would have pointed them towards a diagnosis. What the hell was I paying them for? And from what I have read, I learned that there was no cure for endo, and I was devastated.

One day, I consulted a doctor about my infertility and told her that I suspected I had endometriosis. Based on my symptoms, she told me it was likely I had endometriosis - Gee Thanks! Tell me something I don't already know!! My ultrasound had also shown that I had a tipped uterus. There was a thick mass behind it, indicating that endometrial cells had been growing and forming adhesions to the back wall of my uterus, possibly pulling it backwards. Wee! Another problem to add to my infertility! The only sure-fire way to know if I had endo was to have a laparoscopy. That meant cutting me up, blowing my tummy up like a balloon, poking a camera in there to have a look, sewing me back up and then telling me - Yup! You have endometriosis. They could remove endometrial adhesions while they were in there, but they would just grow right back. So-No Thanks! It seemed pointless. Sure - it would have been nice to have visual proof, but it still wouldn't cure me of endo. The straight-from-textbook symptomatic pain in its wonderful variety and intensities was proof enough. I am one of the 80 million women worldwide suffering from endometriosis.

What's Wrong With Me?

Pain wasn't always a regular part of my life - only half my life. I remember the days in high school where I used to wonder why girls made such a big deal out of their periods. "Just shove a tampon in and you won't even know Aunt Flo is here", I used to think. A period never stopped me from doing anything. WOW! Who was that? I don't know that girl! Years passed and an occasional cramp would turn up. And then it got worse and worse, until I was popping all sorts of painkillers like they were candy, but to no effect. The pain and the volume was typically enormous. The blood would flow as if a dam had suddenly burst open. One time, the blood gushed out with such tremendous speed and volume that it overflowed past my super-duper heavy nightflow sanitary pad (which I need to wear in the daytime) and trickled down my legs, to the horror of bystanders, and me, at the mall (yes, that really happened to me). These days I can't do anything for at least 3 to 4 days of my life each cycle. I would be keeled over in pain, crying my eyes out and praying that I would just pass out from the pain. As if that wasn't fun enough, a very eager gastritis would join the party, usually on Day 2. A Double Whammy! Yippeee! With excruciating pain in both the upper and lower abdomen, and blood threatening to overflow and stain everything I lie or sit on, which I don't have the energy to clean, it was just impossible to function beyond my bedroom and toilet. Thankfully, my dear wonderful husband, who is my rock and my life support system, would feed me in between sobs, and be at my every beck and call, bringing me everything from hot water bottles to Kleenex to my cat - anything to soothe me. He was always thinking one step ahead of me, even before I knew what I needed. He's my hero! I can never make it through without him and I love him dearly for it. This is a typical scenario for me month after month. And for many years I never knew what was wrong with me.