Pregnancy and Miscarriage - My Joy, My Pain

This past week, our blogosphere has been filled with horrible news about miscarriages. Reading about them makes my heart ache, and feelings of my own tragic loss have been flooding back to me. My own loss happened in March this year. I have never been able to write about it, but I realise that I needed some closure. And by coming to terms with it in writing, perhaps I will be able to close that chapter of my life.

I will always remember March 2009 as one of the most intensely joyous and painful times of my life, for it was then that I discovered I was pregnant for the first time in my life, after having been infertile for four years, and then having lost it all in a matter of weeks - all while I was on one of the biggest vacations of my life.

My husband and I had planned a super vacation that would last 6 weeks. We would traverse across 3 states - California, Utah and Arizona, skiing and visiting some of the most gorgeous landscapes. It was possibly THE LAST vacation we would enjoy as a couple before embarking on a journey towards parenthood. We had been struggling with infertility but with our new found treatment, we were quite hopeful. I had expected my period on the first day of our vacation, but I was not worried about the debilitating pain, simply because my TCM treatment had "cured" me. My period never came and I didn't think much of it because they were always irregular anyway. We were enjoying our days skiing, but even though I trained for it, I found myself unusually unfit and tired. After a week had passed I suggested to DH that I could be pregnant. He laughed it off - I mean we always joked about being pregnant for years whenever my period was late (as it was often unpredictable) but it was always a Big Fat Negative! So he thought it was probably just another one of those. He told me to wait another week before testing. But after a few days, I just had to know! I couldn't stand the suspense any longer. I remember going to Target and spending a good half hour looking at all the different pregnancy test kits - it was all so new to me!

The next morning, I saw two pink POSITIVE lines! I was in a daze! And so surprised! I woke DH up from his sleep straight away and told him the news. We were so happy but we both just sat on the motel bed, dazed! I mean - it was hard to believe - after 4 years of trying! We had taken a break from TTC and the only infertility treatment we had was natural chinese herbs and acupuncture for 4 months prior to that! And what was even more amazing was that we only started trying to conceive the month before! Talk about Traditional Chinese Medicine being super effective-at least for me!

And then horror struck me - I had taken a tumble while skiing the day before. We had some of the biggest snowstorms of the year and had deep powder. Not knowing how to ski in deep powder, I had fallen something like 3 times within the first 100 yards down the mountain. Luckily it was a pretty soft landing. We didn't know what quite to do next about the pregnancy, but as we had planned our itinerary to the minutest detail and booked all our hotels already, we decided to continue on with our vacation. I knew that many women were able to continue on with an active life with their pregnancy and I promised myself that I would not get paranoid over the baby's safety. I would continue skiing but decided to take it easy and try my damnedest not to fall!

That week of skiing was rather uneventful, thankfully, but it was very hard being pregnant, for the first time, away from home, from any medical care or access to information. Eating healthily while on a budget and on vacation was tough too. And all I wanted to do was learn what my body was going through and what I ought to do. Thank god for all the free wi-fi that came with our hotel rooms. Google was our only source information!

As days passed, I had started to spot. I started to stress out and fear for the baby. What compounded my fear was that I had no access to my regular care provider. I was so far away from home - from any support. Google had become my pregnancy bible and that was the only place I was able to search for answers. I had read that some women continued having a successful pregnancy even though they bled heavily. That gave me hope. I had also read that miscarriage was usually caused by genetic problems in the conception, not physical activity because it was still very tiny and very well protected by the uterus. So it was unlikely that my skiing had caused danger to my baby. By that time our skiing trip was over, but I continued to spot off and on, and sometimes with quite a bit of blood. I had fantasised about telling our friends and family about our pregnancy, and seeing the joy on their faces, but now I was in danger of losing it all. For the first time in my life, I had wished my vacation was over.

But hotels were already booked and our friends had already made plans to join us for part of our vacation. So many things were at stake. But I also knew that if I were to miscarry, it would likely be nature's way of terminating a bad conception, and chances of stopping it were slim. Even progesterone supplements do not always work. I was prepared to accept my fate whatever the outcome.

By that time I was somewhere out in the middle of nowhere in Utah. We had planned to visit all the great National Parks of the Southwest. So there was no medical care around. Not even a clinic in the small towns we stayed in. The spotting did not cease. Scared and stressed as I was, I just had to wait and let my body sort itself out.

We continued sightseeing, visiting amazing places like Zion NP and Antelope Canyon, and I continued to spot. I was having so much fun but I was also having the worst time of my life. I didn't know if I was having a missed miscarriage. And then it finally happened. I will never forget the day I had the true miscarriage - We had gone on a hike at Bryce Canyon that had some of the most amazing scenery ever. It was freezing cold and I pretty much wore most of my ski stuff - ski pants and jacket! The trail was a loop that started at the top, and took us down into the canyon floor and then back up again. I was really enjoying myself. The views were fascinating and breath-taking!

And then the cramps started. I felt a humungous rush of blood soaking up my pad. I believed it must have soaked through my underwear and if not for the black waterproof ski pants I had on, it probably would have shown through. I knew something was very wrong. The cramps got worse and F**K! I was only half way through the trail. There was no elevator or stretcher or ambulance - There was just no way out except to hike back up. I thought I had never felt so miserable in my life! I just had to trudge on.

I finally got back up and out of the trail, and rushed straight to the public restrooms. When I pulled down my underwear I saw a big solid mass. It was the placenta. I broke down and cried uncontrollably. For the first time, I had undeniable proof that I WAS pregnant, and that I had lost it. All I had before were 2 pink lines on a stick. No doctor, no blood test, no ultrasound and no heartbeat to confirm if a baby was really growing inside of me. With visual proof now, it hit me hard. And I was devastated that I had to find out like this. I cried and cried in that toilet stall. There were masses of tourists going in and out of the restrooms, but I never felt so alone. I finally picked myself up. I wrapped the placenta in tissue, placed it on my pocket and walked to the car where my husband was waiting for me. My poor husband was shocked to see me burst into tears. It was a while before I could bring myself to actually utter the words of what I had just experienced. I am so grateful my husband was there for me, but that was only just the beginning of the pain.

The next few days was hell for me. The emotional pain was completely taken over by physical pain. I was lying in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere and I had extremely bad cramps. I did not know what to do. I decided I had better abstain from taking painkillers because the cramping was there for a reason -to expel whatever remains there were of the pregnancy. After 6 hours, I couldn't take it anymore- I gave in and took my usual pain meds. And then came the worst attack of gastritis I ever had. I was completely bed ridden. I had excruciating pain in the uterus and the stomach. It was utter hell! My dear, dear husband took care of me as I was completely dependent on him. The next morning, it snowed and we had to check out and move to another town. It was agony trying to get dressed and move and even sit in the car. There wasn't a clinic there, and there wasn't even a pharmacy in the next town to get something for the gastric attack. Hell continued. I was bedridden in the next town. The pain was so bad, I was gasping for air and hyperventilating. Every movement - even to roll onto my side was excruciating, like a knife cutting thru me. I had never felt so scared or so much agony. I was afraid that a bleeding ulcer was forming, and worse, my stomach was perforated. I feared for my life. I think we were at Capital Reef Park at that time, hundreds of miles from the next biggest town. We had to make a decision whether to rush to a hospital and abandon our trip all together. I was stubborn, and waited for my breaking point.

I don't know how but by the grace of god, I made it through with my beloved husband at my side every step of the way. I remember my husband driving me around through the parks and I watched the scenery go by as I recovered. I could hardly walk - every step felt like a pounding that reverberated through my sore stomach and uterus painfully. I had to hang on to my husband and it took me 10 times longer than normal for me to get anywhere. Old people were whizzing past me on foot. I was reminded how ill I really was. By the 5th day after my miscarriage, I had managed to hike a 3 mile trek with a 500-foot elevation to see Delicate Arch. I hadn't intended to do that in my condition, but I couldn't stand to see my husband looking so disappointed. He would have had to miss out on Utah's most famous and iconic monument as he would never leave me on my own, with the state of health I was in. It was already 5pm that day, and I thought what the hell, we should just go for it! I managed to summon my strength and made it there and back safely. It was worth the trip!

Although I was recovering, I was still very scared. I had no medical care since it all happened, and there was the possibility of infection. I wasn't out of the woods yet. The stress just kept going, from one thing to another. Some women miscarry completely on their own with no complications. I was praying that I would be one of them. The bleeding continued for what seemed like forever. It finally stopped after two weeks. I had no fever and no weird symptoms. Just a very broken heart and weakened body.

We had kept the placenta with us all that time. I was surprised how "attached" my husband also was to it. It just felt wrong to throw it in the bin or flush it down the toilet. I didn't see a foetus-it may have been there, but to me, that placenta, represented the baby I had always wanted. The one that came into our lives briefly. We decided we would bury it in a special place. We found a spot under a juniper tree in the "Valley of the Gods", near Monument Valley. It just felt like the right place. And that's where we left our "baby".

We did accomplish everything we wanted to do on our vacation and after that, I finally had a check up with a gynae. That in itself was another ordeal as the gynae I was with was an ass of a doctor! I decided to go with another gynae. He was very understanding and he had thought it would be a good idea for me to continue with the herbs and acupuncture since it had helped me conceive. I have his support and after an ultrasound, he gave me the all clear. I didn't need a D&C - everything seemed to have been expelled naturally. And I resumed treatment with my TCM doctor a week after that.

This has to be one of the most painful and testing experiences in my life. I had never known such pain, nor stress nor guilt. I still don't know if I am to blame for the miscarriage - Was I not careful enough? Was it something I did or didn't do? Would I have been able to save the baby if I had seeked medical treatment? My TCM doctor had warned me before about going to the mountains because of the altitude and lack of oxygen (incase I was pregnant), and I defied his "orders". And I miscarried. I just have so much guilt in me. It is not good for me to harbour so much negativity inside me, so I know I have to stop blaming myself. But it is difficult. I have never been able to get over it completely because of this guilt. I feel like my heart has been darkened with a stain that cannot be removed. It is still a process.

But as agonizing and difficult this whole experience was for me, I came out of it with 2 greatly positive things:
I CAN get pregnant! And I have discovered a strength I never knew I had. And it is this hope and strength that carries me through my journey towards motherhood everyday.

A Reflection Of My Journey

As optimistic as I am with the prognosis of TCM in my situation, it has not been a smooth ride. I've had the fortune of experiencing 1) months where I was pain-free, and 2) one miraculous pregnancy (at least to me!). But I have also lost the baby, dealt with the most extreme physical pain I've ever known, and my body is still battling to recover to full health since my miscarriage-- all this in the last 10 months since I started my course on Traditional Chinese Medicine.

So where in my heart do I stand with TCM? The lack of progress in the last few months has shaken me up a bit, but I still want to believe badly that this course of treatment will work for me. For one, my initial response to the treatment turned me from a sceptic to a believer. My TCM doctor told me that if I followed his recommendations, the awful pain I experienced with my period would decrease by 50%. When my next period came around, the pain had decreased not by 50%, but by 100%! That means NO PAIN! None! Zilch! I was astounded! Thinking it was a fluke, the next period came along, and again, no pain! And the same with the next. I have suffered pain from endometriosis for more than 10 years of my life, and to have this gone after a month of treatment really shocked me. It converted me into a believer. How can it not? And to top it off, I had a surprise of my life when I found out I was pregnant while I was on vacation. We had failed to conceive on our own for 4 years, and after 4 months of treatment, out of which we had only TTC during one cycle, we conceived straight away! It was so clear that the treatment had been affecting my body positively. And it is because of these amazing results that I believe in the healing powers of this form of medicine.

However, the miscarriage has knocked me back several steps. TCM advocates paying particular attention to healing after birth/miscarriage due to the loss of energy and blood, which I had neglected to do out of ignorance. And I have failed to realise the consequences of my ignorance until today, when I found out how weak my body still is. Last week, in an effort to heal me more aggressively, I underwent moxibustion sessions 5 days in a row. My body responded so well to it and my energy levels began to rise. I thought I was on my way. But after having a 2-day break over the weekend, my session with my TCM doc today revealed that I had degenerated again. I was so disappointed! My doctor had always told me that problems inherited after pregnancy due to neglect is a "terrible, terrible thing" that can affect a person for the rest of her life if not treated. The last 5 months since I miscarried, I have suffered some of the worst pain I ever felt from a period, even with treatment. Nor have I been able to conceive. The difference in my body's response to TCM treatment pre and post miscarriage is obvious. I have inherited more problems now on top of my endometriosis and pre-existing problems. If only I knew what I should have done back then... I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated.

But TCM has worked for me before. I AM able to get pregnant. I've OVERCOME the pain before. And with a little more diligence and patience, there is no reason why it won't work for me again. So I am soldiering on with my head high. I have a great doctor, a promising treatment and a loving husband who's with me every step of the way. I WILL achieve my dreams.

My Attention-Seeking Endo

Every tenth day of my cycle, my endo always comes knocking on my ass's door to make sure I haven't forgotten about it. And it is right on time this month as always. Today is CD10 and my rectum has started to feel tender and tingle with a slight pain. Oddly enough, I've always felt like my endo ass could predict the rain because they always coincide. Well, lo and behold - it rained today again while my ass throbbed! I was hoping that all that moxa would have cast away that evil ass-throbbing menace, but it didn't. I'm disappointed, but I am thankful it wasn't as annoyingly painful as last month. I know I'm a tad too impatient and expect miracles to happen, but this ass-throb has brought me crashing back down to earth. Healing takes time. I've had this disease for years - it's not going to disappear over a few days...

Hot Bods & Pimples

I've had 4 moxa (moxibustion) sessions todate and boy! Am I burnin' up! It seems that my body has been responding so well to this heat treatment that pimples have broken out on my face! In fact that was the first thing my TCM doctor so very kindly pointed out to me when he saw me today! How sweet! He attributed that to the moxa because for me, an occasional pimple every now and then is normal-5 overnight is not! And it's not just the pimples - my body felt like an overheated nuclear reactor. I've had to throw off the blanket last night and crank up the a/c because I was so hot. It felt like I could fry an egg on my body! I am not sure how far I've got to take this, but I will just have to put my trust in my doctor, who is monitoring me closely. He says I should push on with the moxa.

So today, I had my 4th moxa. This moxa thing may sound like some hocus-pocus waving of a burning wand over my needle-pricked body, but its effects are surprisngly real. I've had 2 unusual experiences during today's session that convinced me that the moxa has opened up my energy channels - once my doctor had inserted all the acupuncture needles, my bed started to sway. It felt like 2 people were bumping the foot and head of my bed back and forth, back and forth. I thought - "Oh no! Earthquake? The building is swaying!" So I extended both my arms outwards and braced myself against the walls (the private room was quite narrow) to stop the bed from swaying, but the swaying didn't stop. It was then that I realized that the sensation was occurring from inside my body. The needles had triggered the circulation of Qi or energy up and down my body. So the surging of the energy made me sway! It was quite an amazing feeling! No one else said they felt the building swaying, so it must have been all me.

The second unusual experience I had was the burning sensation I had on the back and left side of my waist. I had just completed the 50-minute moxa and acupuncture session, and was walking around when I felt it. Immediately I asked the doctor about it and he explained that the moxa had opened up the channels and hormonal glands in my kidney. Well, it made sense because that burning was where the kidney's located. Apparently, my other kidney is still asleep...

"Fired" Again!

Today, I had my 2nd moxibustion session and WOAH - What a difference it felt from yesterday's. It must have opened up my energy channels because I felt the heat very quickly today. Yesterday, it took a long time before I felt the heat on each needle, but today, it was a matter of seconds before I was yelling, "OK-HOT!" , which was my cue for moving on to the next needle. The lady who was firing me up was laughing because just yesterday, I had told her what a high tolerance I had for pain!

I didn't feel any different after the session yesterday, but I remember feeling terribly hot a couple of hours later, which was rather unusual. I mean, I was sweating and feeling uncomfortably hot for no reason. That feeling didn't last though. However my TCM doctor read my pulse today and said that the moxibustion had made a significant difference. That's the kinda stuff I like to hear! I'm stoked! Hopefully that puts me on the fast track to Preggerland!

Come On Baby, Light My Fire!

After discussing with my TCM doctor today, it was decided that we should treat my condition a bit more aggressively. The progress with my daily herb and twice-weekly acupuncture has been slow, and it was not helping me eliminate the "wind" left over from my miscarriage. Wind! Yes it seems I do have "wind" in my body! I am still trying to wrap my head around this "wind" terminology - Apparently it is not the smelly type that comes out of the butthole, nor is it some kind of breeze blowing through your body, but an "evil" thing that is bad for the body. It is a form of chilled condition, or obstruction of energy in the body, or something like that. Anyway, it is bad for me and I have to get rid of it as it is still causing me circulation problems, resulting in blood stasis/endo and cold uterus. That means painful periods, blood clots, and infertility. For optimum fertility, everything in the body has to be warm and flowing.

So today, I started my first Moxibustion treatment. Moxi-what??? It is just a fancy name for a simple procedure that heats up acupuncture needles. First, the needles are poked in the usual places, and then a cigar-like stick made of herbs called moxa (or mugwort) is burnt and placed near each needle to warm it up. The heat is then transmitted through the needles into the body. This warms up and activates the whole energy channel and organs in the body. There is no pain, but it is wise to let the person know when the needle gets hot beyond your comfort! Then it is moved to the next needle. For me, the session lasted 20 minutes, covering a total of 8 needles in my body.

I will do this Moxibustion everyday in addition to my usual herb/acupuncture treatment until my TCM doc feels that my body is well heated up, and I no longer have the cold conditions or wind. I am really looking forward to seeing some real progress and getting this 38 year-old body all revved up for pregnancy. I hope this month is it for me. I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Report Card

I got an "F" on my report card - for my period again this month! This is my 4th period after my miscarriage. I wanted to score an "A" so badly and have a perfect period - one that was pain-free and clot-free! But it was not to be. My body had failed me. Again.

The pain hit me hard, making sure I knew my period had well arrived after 2 days of spotting, and hung around with a vengeance for two full days. Out came my usual emergency coping system - caring husband, hot water bottles, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and cat... Painkillers are out of the picture because they irritate my stomach and give me added problems, lengthening my recovery time. So it was mainly comfort stuff that gets me through the agony. My dear husband scored a big "A+++" though for being there for me every step of the way - preparing every meal for me, driving all over town to buy a particular type of sanitary pad I would only use, giving me massages, refilling my hot water bottles, getting me hot drinks and anything else I needed. He's my Hero! I love him so much!

But, I am so tired of having all this pain. And it is difficult to accept, especially since my treatments are suppose to make me better. I am just filled with frustration. And no baby in sight! The only silver lining in this particular cloud is that, my pain only lasted for two days, whereas I would often be in agony at the very minimum of three days! That's at least a whole 24 hours LESS of rolling around in pain and cold sweat. And the flow was not crazily heavy like it normally is. So I suppose there is actually an improvement there. Perhaps that's something to smile about? Well, maybe I should bump my report card up to an "F+" then!