Rants and Romance

It's CD25. AF has not arrived but I have totally written off getting a Big Fat Positive this month because that elusive eggy of mine is just nowhere to be found! And I can confirm that all that sex, sex, sex, sex, sex simply DOES NOT trigger ovulation! Otherwise, I'd be breeding like rabbits by now! Well, nope - no sign of cute bunnies streaming out of my vah-jay-jay at all - Myth BUSTED!

Well, my OPKs have run out. Yes, I've been guiltily peeing on them even though my TCM doc told me to stop obsessing with them (cause it's stressing me out) but I couldn't just throw them away! I spent a fortune on them, so I was just gonna pee the hell out of them till they run out. That was the only way to stop my obsession! Now I am having withdrawal symptoms! I am SO fantasizing about running out to my dealer to get more supplies tomorrow! Somebody drag me to POAS-aholic Anonymous now!

At least I still have my thermometer....

I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'd be pregnant this cycle-Delayed ovulation may be an indication that the egg quality is poor. And even if ovulation & fertilization occurs, implantation on such an old lining doesn't usually end well. I can't deal with another miscarriage again. So if this is not to be, for my own sake, I can accept that. But I just want to know why I haven't ovulated? This question has been burning on my mind! I've been eating healthily, exercising a bit more, increased my acupuncture and moxa sessions, and been downing my herbal medicine obediently.

My heart's been a jumbled mess. My doc doesn't want my mood to effect my hormones, so he has ordered me to be happy, and stress free. It's not easy I tell ya! If only emotions reacted to commands like "BE Happy!"- women would've saved a tonne of money from retail therapy! Anyway, I was drifting happily along yesterday, free of pressure and burden about conceiving, but once in a while my doubts about my infertility would creep into my thoughts. And POW! I would burst into tears. And that happened at least four times yesterday. My heart's in a strange place, drifting between sadness and happiness.

Now there's no way of knowing when I will be expecting my period. If I can pinpoint my ovulation, I can pinpoint AF because my luteal phase is usually constant. This is something I could always count on so that I can plan my activities around the days when I will be knocked out from pain. If I had ovulated today, AF would be cutting close to Christmas but at least I know I would have a week to plan my Christmas celebrations. Now I have no clue. And I need to be sober and functional as it's my turn to host Christmas this year for my family! I really don't want to spend my christmas in pain...

I wish I could fly away from all this misery. I can't. So I did the next best thing. My husband and I have planned to go away for a short vacation to a beach destination for a few days. I just booked the hotel and we are leaving on Monday. Rain is expected but I don't care. I know it's just a distraction, but I hope I will be able to find some peace in my heart and rekindle some much needed romance with my dear hubs after all that mechanical baby-making duties...

However, all is not doom and gloom in my life. I want to share two things that highlighted my day:

First one:
I was just awarded the Kreative Award by Sonja. Thank you so much for the honor Sonja! You're so sweet for thinking about me! I am so behind on passing this award and the Over the Top Blog Award that I have received, but I haven't got much love to pass around right now in my barren heart. I feel so bad. But I promise - It's only temporary!

Second highlight:
My cat did just the cutest thing! A few hours ago I heard Zoey calling out with that strange Siberian chirping meow of his, "Rrrrouuw, Rrrrouuw, RRROUWW!"I went to see what the commotion was about. Remember Mr Tiger? Zoey had found Mr Tiger on my bedside table and carried it all the way down the stairs. He was so proud to have brought me a gift! I don't know how he managed to lug it down in his mouth cos Mr Tiger is almost as big as him!  What a cutie! Mr Tiger is my mascot for hope. Do you think it's a good omen? Is god working in mysterious ways through my cat? LOL!

Cold As A Witch's Tit

My apologies for having been missing from my blog. I just haven't had any inspiration to write. Not even to rant or vent! My cycle has been less than stellar-Infact I would give it a "D+" which is just short of flunking!

My body's as cold as a witch's tit! I kid you not! My body should be warm and lush and fertile if I want to have any chance of conceiving. But nope! I've been going for moxa and acupuncture, plus drinking my herbs everyday, yet my body's struggling to stay warm. My uterus, or lower abdomen rather, is cold to the touch. Even my moxa-woman (yes, the kind dear soul who's been administering moxa to me daily and putting up with the stink!) kept asking why my legs were so cold! My TCM doc told me that I've been better and I am nowhere near my peak. Hmphhh! Wonderful! I don't think I'm gonna get my Christmas wish this year...

Well, the weather has something to do with it, apparently. I haven't seen the sun in days, and it has even snowed! Well, it should come as no surprise to you if you think I live in some temperate climate that enjoys four seasons. But I live in the tropics where it's a balmy 30˚C/86˚F year round! I have banana trees growing in my garden!!! Last weekend, the weatherman reported that there would be hail. Well, it snowed! These weather people are always wrong, wrong, wrong! My TCM doc told me he saw snowflakes floating gently from the sky and then hit his window and eventually melted into drops of water. If that's not snow, I don't know what it is! So my TCM doc has excused my body for "misbehaving" due to the colder than usual conditions we are experiencing! Err...Did somebody say we're having global warming? I wouldn't have known!

So I guess that is why my endo rescheduled Ass-throb day for  Days 13 & 14 of my cycle on the really cold, wet days. I really thought I had dodged fate when it didn't appear on CD 10 or 11. I was not happy.... My lower back hurt and my butt throbbed. I swear-I think my butt should work for the weather department! It has an uncanny talent for predicting rainy weather! Thankfully the moxa and acupuncture gave me relief for a few hours. So something about TCM actually works, though I don't know how exactly. I only wished I could be hooked up to the electro acupuncture machine and have moxa-woman burning me up all day throughout the pain--even though all the patients at the clinic hate me by now! "What is that SMELL?!!!" can be heard ringing through the clinic when I'm there! It's CD15, so they will have to put up with this for just a few more days until I ovulate.

Tomorrow I will have Moxa No.7 which will hopefully put me on defrost mode. I am really keeping my fingers crossed that my eggs will miraculously thaw out this cycle in time to meet one of my husband's super hunky soldiers!

Endometriosis Pain in All Its Glory

Ass-throb Day seems to be gleefully missing in action this month! This literal pain-in-the-ass (compliments of endometriosis) almost always happens on CD10 for me, but it's already the end of CD11, and there's no sign of my rectum transforming magically into a nuclear reactor for the day. This is goooood!

So something in Traditional Chinese Medicine is working for me somehow. I really don't understand how all the herbs and acupuncture work exactly, but I am thankful that the pain that has besieged much of my life is slowly diminishing. I am a realist though. I don't expect all the adhesions that have been forming over the years of my life to disappear nor this endo pain to vanish completely. For example, due to a change in my diet, I was a bit constipated yesterday (sorry-too much information!) and my bowel movements caused pain in my uterus. The pain felt like period cramps that lasted some 15-20 minutes, even though I wasn't having my period. Now, what does taking a dump have anything to do with the uterus? The only logical explanation I can think of is that endometriosis has somehow glued my uterus and colon together, and movements in either effect anything that is joined to it. This is unfortunately the kind of shit (pardon the pun) that endometriosis sufferers have to deal with much of the time. But thankfully incidences like that have also diminished over time for me since I began TCM.

I used to dread going to the toilet when I had periods. As if the killer pain of endo/AF wasn't bad enough, peeing and crapping was a BIG ORDEAL every single time! They were always accompanied by excruciating pain that is 1000% worse than what you started off with. The experience is just simply ridiculous! Can you imagine wanting to pooop so badly but you're holding back while pooping (and menstruating) because it's causing you such immense pain! So do you keep it in or get it out? What a stupid dilemma! I would often be clinging on to the walls or bathroom countertop infront of me with tears streaming down my eyes while I did it. Pooping scared me to death each time! And that's not a joke! Yes, a simple call of nature turns diabolical when you have endometriosis. But I am so thankful that this is no longer a torturous routine with my periods now.

I wish I could say the same for sex too. Yes, endometriosis is really unforgiving--It is determined to make every part of your life a misery. Having pain during sex is another ordeal that many endometriosis sufferers have to endure. Pain? What? Where? How? I remember the days pouring over Dr. Google to find answers, but ended up just as clueless. There are so many conditions that result in pain in so many different parts of the vajayjay! Even real-life doctors in the flesh do not give you details as to what the pain feels like and where. For the sake of many new endo sufferers out there looking for clues, I want to share my story so you don't feel so confused and alone out there.

For me, the pain didn't appear overnight but it was something that intensified over the years. I would get it once in a while, and then every other month, and then it was every month, and then it was every time I had sex. The simple act of arousal can send waves of pain surging through the uterus-maybe the ute is engorged with blood and expanding causing the adhesions to stretch and pull and hence the pain- I really don't know. But it sure sucks! Deep penetration that involves (to eloquently put it) banging of the cervix can sometimes send sharp pain up the uterus.  The worst thing about endo is that it is an attention-seeking whore that wants to take the limelight from the big O, as in orgasm, and it wants to climax together with the Big O! OOOOOOOOOO My Gawd! The contractions from an orgasm causes intense pain like killer period cramps! It happens simultaneously. It's like the pooping thing all over again-you wanna go there but you don't. When it happens it is the most intense pleasure and pain all at the same time! It is amazingly wonderful but you're in agony cos your ute is cramping and it feels like it's a burning hell in there! And the pain can last for 15 minutes to an hour long after the pleasure is gone. I've even felt lingering pain that lasted for a whole day. Yes, it fucking sucks!(pardon the pun again)  It's not something that allows for close intimate bonding after the deed! I feel terribly mean and guilty for letting DH see me squirming in pain when I know that all he wanted was to give me joy. So--They say that sex can be mind-blowing (ute-blowing too). With endo, I really feel like I've gone to heaven, and then died!

Thankfully for me, this pain diminishes each time I have sex within the same cycle (yes, I guess you can say sex is good for me!) The only logical explanation I have for what's happening to me is that during the orgasmic contractions, the adhesions stretch like the muscles and ligaments in your body. Once they're looser, they cause less pain--That's until they grow taut and tight again after a break, like when AF visits. First time sex in a new cycle after AF always scares me to death too. Hmm, yes, I guess I can at least pretend to be a virgin all over again!

I hope by sharing some of my experiences here, people can understand a bit more about why endo girls always complain about pain, and what a big deal it is. We're not just whiny bitches who have nothing else better to do. It is a terribly debilitating disease. Meds don't always help. Sometimes they cause additional pain by irritating and inflaming the stomach lining. Instead of eliminating pain, they just add to your endless list of pain. I am one of those who chooses to deal with one less pain. So I looked for alternative treatments else where.

I have gone against the grain of western medicine-I have said no surgeries, excisions, and Lupron and all sorts of hormonal drugs that has crazy side-effects. People may think I am loopy, but I am actually getting better. I think I will always have pain as long as the adhesions are still there, but thankfully, TCM has helped me manage the pain, making my life more pain-free now. I really feel for all the women suffering from chronic endo pain. I just wish more endo girls had the help that I got--that's a 100 million endo-inflicted women worldwide! That's a whole lot of pain gone! Now wouldn't that just be great!

Relapse

I've been in pain the last 5 days.

Just when I thought that things were finally looking up, I am suffering a tremendous relapse. All the effort, and spirit I've put into fighting this dreaded endometriosis seemed not to have mattered.

I feel so defeated.

The journey during the past cycle had been wrought with numerous bumps and potholes along the way, but I thought I could get a fresh start with this new cycle. I told myself that I would get back on the roller coaster and face this cycle with new strength and optimism, but someone in the universe thinks that it's much funnier to see me all beaten up and broken down.

My roller coaster had barely left the station and gotten over it's first hill when the three bitches jumped me around the first corner -- Meet Aunt Flo, Aunt Endo and Aunt Gastro. They stuck with me for 5 days (and still clinging on) and made sure I was on a ride to hell! My TCM doc asked me today how I had felt the last 5 days. I laid it all out for him:

• pain in uterus, ovaries, rectum
• heavy bleeding
• bad clots
• anxiety attacks
• cold sweat
• headache
• gastritic pain and abdominal pain
• lower back pain

Oh! And I forgot- sleep-deprivation too! When Mr.Pain felt generous during the first two days, he would let me sleep 5-10 minutes at a time. I had never felt so grateful to be unconscious during those few precious minutes! Yes, Effing Mr.Pain decides when I get to sleep. And thanks to the gastritis brought on by Aunt Gastro, I couldn't take any pain-killers to manage the pain either. So it's always one kind of pain or another. And though most of the pain has left me by now, my lower back is still aching and pangs of pain is still shooting across my ute as I write. It is CD5 going into CD6 and the pain still has not stopped.

At the end of the last cycle, I thought I was done with all the crying. And I never thought I would start a new cycle with heartache and tears again. I learned that I am just not that strong. Where does all this leave me on my road to being endo and pain-free? Where does this leave me on my journey to having my baby? That road seems so far away now.  I've been in the darkness for so long. I put my faith in God and in Medicine, and I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so drained--physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is barely a flicker of life or hope in my soul.

I am broken.

Shit Happens!

Here I go again! Accident-proned me has managed to land myself in the ER for gashing my hand open in two places today.

Be Warned: This post is not for the faint of heart! Stay away if you can't deal with descriptions or photos that contain blood!

I was washing my pyrex pot (the one I was going to boil my herbs in) when it slipped onto the granite edge of the sink and cracked open, cutting my right hand open instantly. Before I felt any pain, blood was gushing out from my palm. There was a cut 1 inch long and it looked like a quarter inch deep. Then I saw a second bleed 2 inches below my wrist. The wound looked odd - it was then that I realized a piece of my skin was hanging by a thread and the gash was also bleeding profusely. That was when a little panic started to set in.

Luckily my husband was nearby and rushed for the first aid kit. (No soy sauce this time-for those who knew what happened last time!) Having lived in earthquake country (California) before, his First Aid kit was well equipped with sterile gauze, bandages and useful stuff for klutzes like me! He bandaged me up and we headed to the Emergency Room at the hospital near my home.

The ER was full of people, but the doctor managed to see me within 20 minutes. He checked for my motor function-I was able to move my fingers. Thank god no tendon was cut - that would require more complicated surgery to reconnect it. Only a little of the muscle and capillary vessels were cut.

As for my skin - he gave me 2 choices:

1) Reattach it - if the blood vessels are not able to nourish and heal the wound, it has a chance of dying and turning black, which would then lead to a big scar

2) Plastic surgery where they would graft skin from somewhere on my body to replace the dead skin, if I am worried about scarring

Cut my skin from some beautiful virgin part of my body? No thanks! I am not that vain! So I went for option 1 and hope for the best!

To help with the pain, he gave me local anesthetic, which HURT LIKE HELL! Although my cuts were quite bad, I hadn't felt much pain, which was rather surprising- until he jabbed EIGHT times around my wounds with the syringe! I was grimacing in so much pain! DH who saw everything said my hand was swelling up like a balloon where he was pumping the anesthesia! Within seconds, the numbness kicked in and he proceeded to wash my wound with savlon antiseptic, hydrogen peroxide and then saline solution. Well, thank god for the anesthetic because I don't think I could have handled the stitching and stretching very well. According to DH the doctor managed to stretch the loose skin and sew it into a nice fit back to where it should've been. It was shrunken and curled before. Eewww! Gross right? He gave me a tetanus shot plus anti-biotics and pain killers. I will have to go back every second day to check on the skin and to re-dress the wound. Stitches should be out in a week's time.

Here are the gory pictures. Sorry they're not very good quality. They were taken with a cellphone camera.

Here are my raw wounds after the home bandages were removed, before being treated:

Here's the doctor stitching my palm:

.......And here's the doctor stitching my flappy skin back:

As the local anesthetic is beginning to wear out now, I am starting to feel the pain. I've been told not to use my wounded hand nor get it wet for now. So I am currently living the life of a one-armed lefty - a precarious task for a righty! I am wondering how I'm gonna get through everyday stuff like having a shower or wiping my ass!!!! I am having great difficulty typing all this with one hand, but I seem to be managing - one letter slowly at a time!

As if this wasn't enough of a set back, my endo ass has begun to throb a bit - just when I thought I was getting better! My TCM doc asked "What happened" when he saw my heat level had dropped. Perhaps I had enough heat to fight off ass-throb day on CD10, but I didn't have enough heat reserves to last me through CD11, which had been a cool overcast and rainy day. Either that or ass-throb day was late by a day! Either way, I think my heat is all spent!

Despite all this crap that has happened to me, I still feel blessed and lucky - that I had not done even more major damage to my hand and that it was only one hand, and that the glass had not slashed the main artery on my wrist (it was so close) which could have led to death. Sure my hand will not look pretty anymore, and my life will be very inconvenient for a while, but all things considered, I think I was quite lucky today!

TCM Works For Endometriosis!

I nearly forgot that today was Ass-Throb Day!

Today, CD10, is the day that my endo habitually and passionately tortures my butt by making it throb like hell - more specifically, my whole rectum tract. But today my ass didn't feel anything like a nuclear reactor waiting to explode. Infact it was rather zen in there! Which made me forget all about Ass-Throb Day!

This could only mean that my endo is losing its clutch on me and that I am truly getting better!

After months and months of acupuncture, herbal medicine and several sessions of moxa, I can finally draw the conclusion that Traditional Chinese Medicine is working for endometriosis. My symptoms of pain have decreased significantly and my periods are getting more normal. All you endo gals out there, pay attention! There is hope in TCM!

My endo has begun to heal without me taking a single dose of Lupron, birth control pill, or going under the knife. The prognosis for TCM as a cure for endo has always fundamentally sounded better to me than Western Medicine. What Western Medicine offered was ridiculous. Having no solution, nor any idea what causes it, it experiments by offering victims drugs to stop your body from functioning normally. They butcher you up, cutting parts of your body away and then cross their fingers, and hope that the endo won't come back, even though they know it likely will. These surgeries expose you to the risk of death, eg: from having a bad reaction to anesthesia, or from overdose due to a miscalculation of dosage, to the possibility of infection. In many cases, the pain continues and repeated surgeries are even normal. And for women desperately trying for a child, all the drugs and multiple surgeries just leave your body even more hostile to pregnancy. And to counter the increased infertility, they put you on more drugs and hormones and force the conception to happen outside the body (IVF), and put it back into your body knowing that your body hasn't been fixed in the first place. Yet women subject themselves to all this craziness and risk because Western Medicine tells them that there is no cure and that there is no other way.

Well, there is it seems! TCM is certainly uncommon in the western world, but it has been used to treat the largest nation in the world for thousands of years. Western Medicine is only now slowly discovering the wonders and knowledge of this ancient form of medicine. But specifically in endometriosis, I have personally seen how effective it is for me. So given time, I believe it really works.

And how does TCM work for endometriosis? I had to ask my TCM doc again today. I know that it reduces the symptoms, but with all their medical terms like yin, yang, wind, heatiness, dampness, deficiency, and stasis, it's really hard for me to understand how it works. I mean, it's hardly scientific! After his explanation, this is my conclusion: Endometriosis is a condition caused by "stagnant" blood or poor circulation in the body. Acupuncture and herbs work by dissolving these stagnant blood and improving its circulation. The adhesions will disappear because the TCM treatment works by regenerating the cells in your body, like in stem cells, repairing dead or damaged cells of the scar tissue (adhesions). At least this is how my medically primitive mind understands it. I don't really care how it works exactly, as long as it works and I am not experiencing any bad side effects from it.

How my body is behaving today is another testament to its healing effects. It's raining and chilly outside but my usually cold body is unaffected. After all, it is Ass-Throb Day! I used to think that my ass is able to predict rain, as it always rains when my ass pulsates with pain. I believed they were related. I have developed a highly sophisticated formula for this event:

Endo + Rain = Ass Pain or

Endo + Ass Pain = Rain

Well, there's no ass pain, so something else is missing from the formula and it's definitely not the rain. By logical deduction, it appears to be the endo. And that's my highly scientific conclusion.

With the results I am getting I will definitely stay on the path of TCM now. My TCM doc is currently prescribing intensive moxa for me. (I just want to clarify to anyone reading this out there that moxa is not a fix-all method for all conditions. It is appropriate for people who are suffering from cold conditions like me) I am very focused on healing my endo right now because I believe that it is affecting my fertility. So once it is resolved, I truly believe I should be able to conceive naturally. This notion is not too far-fetched because I conceived once before with the help of TCM.

I had my 2nd moxibustion session for this cycle today. It went really well, although the guessing-the-right-twin didn't go so well for me! I could've sworn that after having had a long look at the twin who did the moxa for me yesterday, I would've been able to distinguish the two. I thought I had the same girl today, but nope-I was wrong - AGAIN! It was the other twin today! So now I have an interesting guessing game to add to the smokin' fun of moxa now! Wish me luck for tomorrow!

What I Had For Dinner :-(

I was a really, really bad girl today. I binged on the worst sorts of food that you could ever eat for endometriosis and fertility-- wheat, dairy, caffeine, hormones and cold drinks!

A new mall had opened up in our neighborhood and we succumbed to the lure of TGIF, which seemed to be so happening tonight. It was packed and every table seemed to be celebrating someone's birthday.

So here's my menu of poison for the night:

APPETIZER

Fried Mac & Cheese:

Wheat and dairy galore! Great for enhancing inflammation already caused by endometriosis!

MAIN

Chicken & Shrimp Pasta in Creamy Cajun Sauce:

More wheat and dairy galore! My Endo-induced inflammation is gonna have a party!

Non-organic chicken! A shot of yummy hormones to tip my already crazy hormones off the charts

DRINKS

3 cups of cold Pepsi:

Liquid Caffeine! Wonderful for killing fertility! It's thirst-quenching coolness is wonderful for creating blood stasis, period pain and endo. Just what I need!

Now my stomach feels like there's a tornado blowing in there! I am not looking forward to what my TCM doc has to say about me tomorrow... This is pure self-sabotage. And I am sure I will pay for it dearly! But I feel so happyyyyyyyy!

Do you ever give yourself a break and succumb to the dark side occasionally...especially when it comes to food?

(Pic compliments of Zoey when he was a kitten)

A Reflection Of My Journey

As optimistic as I am with the prognosis of TCM in my situation, it has not been a smooth ride. I've had the fortune of experiencing 1) months where I was pain-free, and 2) one miraculous pregnancy (at least to me!). But I have also lost the baby, dealt with the most extreme physical pain I've ever known, and my body is still battling to recover to full health since my miscarriage-- all this in the last 10 months since I started my course on Traditional Chinese Medicine.

So where in my heart do I stand with TCM? The lack of progress in the last few months has shaken me up a bit, but I still want to believe badly that this course of treatment will work for me. For one, my initial response to the treatment turned me from a sceptic to a believer. My TCM doctor told me that if I followed his recommendations, the awful pain I experienced with my period would decrease by 50%. When my next period came around, the pain had decreased not by 50%, but by 100%! That means NO PAIN! None! Zilch! I was astounded! Thinking it was a fluke, the next period came along, and again, no pain! And the same with the next. I have suffered pain from endometriosis for more than 10 years of my life, and to have this gone after a month of treatment really shocked me. It converted me into a believer. How can it not? And to top it off, I had a surprise of my life when I found out I was pregnant while I was on vacation. We had failed to conceive on our own for 4 years, and after 4 months of treatment, out of which we had only TTC during one cycle, we conceived straight away! It was so clear that the treatment had been affecting my body positively. And it is because of these amazing results that I believe in the healing powers of this form of medicine.

However, the miscarriage has knocked me back several steps. TCM advocates paying particular attention to healing after birth/miscarriage due to the loss of energy and blood, which I had neglected to do out of ignorance. And I have failed to realise the consequences of my ignorance until today, when I found out how weak my body still is. Last week, in an effort to heal me more aggressively, I underwent moxibustion sessions 5 days in a row. My body responded so well to it and my energy levels began to rise. I thought I was on my way. But after having a 2-day break over the weekend, my session with my TCM doc today revealed that I had degenerated again. I was so disappointed! My doctor had always told me that problems inherited after pregnancy due to neglect is a "terrible, terrible thing" that can affect a person for the rest of her life if not treated. The last 5 months since I miscarried, I have suffered some of the worst pain I ever felt from a period, even with treatment. Nor have I been able to conceive. The difference in my body's response to TCM treatment pre and post miscarriage is obvious. I have inherited more problems now on top of my endometriosis and pre-existing problems. If only I knew what I should have done back then... I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated.

But TCM has worked for me before. I AM able to get pregnant. I've OVERCOME the pain before. And with a little more diligence and patience, there is no reason why it won't work for me again. So I am soldiering on with my head high. I have a great doctor, a promising treatment and a loving husband who's with me every step of the way. I WILL achieve my dreams.

My Attention-Seeking Endo

Every tenth day of my cycle, my endo always comes knocking on my ass's door to make sure I haven't forgotten about it. And it is right on time this month as always. Today is CD10 and my rectum has started to feel tender and tingle with a slight pain. Oddly enough, I've always felt like my endo ass could predict the rain because they always coincide. Well, lo and behold - it rained today again while my ass throbbed! I was hoping that all that moxa would have cast away that evil ass-throbbing menace, but it didn't. I'm disappointed, but I am thankful it wasn't as annoyingly painful as last month. I know I'm a tad too impatient and expect miracles to happen, but this ass-throb has brought me crashing back down to earth. Healing takes time. I've had this disease for years - it's not going to disappear over a few days...

Report Card

I got an "F" on my report card - for my period again this month! This is my 4th period after my miscarriage. I wanted to score an "A" so badly and have a perfect period - one that was pain-free and clot-free! But it was not to be. My body had failed me. Again.

The pain hit me hard, making sure I knew my period had well arrived after 2 days of spotting, and hung around with a vengeance for two full days. Out came my usual emergency coping system - caring husband, hot water bottles, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and cat... Painkillers are out of the picture because they irritate my stomach and give me added problems, lengthening my recovery time. So it was mainly comfort stuff that gets me through the agony. My dear husband scored a big "A+++" though for being there for me every step of the way - preparing every meal for me, driving all over town to buy a particular type of sanitary pad I would only use, giving me massages, refilling my hot water bottles, getting me hot drinks and anything else I needed. He's my Hero! I love him so much!

But, I am so tired of having all this pain. And it is difficult to accept, especially since my treatments are suppose to make me better. I am just filled with frustration. And no baby in sight! The only silver lining in this particular cloud is that, my pain only lasted for two days, whereas I would often be in agony at the very minimum of three days! That's at least a whole 24 hours LESS of rolling around in pain and cold sweat. And the flow was not crazily heavy like it normally is. So I suppose there is actually an improvement there. Perhaps that's something to smile about? Well, maybe I should bump my report card up to an "F+" then!

There's A Pain In My Ass

Yes, literally! My rectum is painfully throbbing away today. It is all sore and tender and feels like it is a radioactive reactor pulsing away inside. 

Although the stress of having Aunt Flo around left a couple of days ago, it really sucks now to have to deal with this pain! It is Day 10 of my cycle today, and coincidentally, I have read that many women suffering from endo also seem to experience pain out of the blue on Day 10 of their cycles! I often experienced unexplained pain during mid-cycle, but never realized there was a pattern.  After reading about it, I started to chart my pain and was blown away by how "punctual" my ass throbs every cycle! I find it puzzling that for a disease that has "no cause", it causes such a distinct series of symptoms in its victims. 

Anyway, I decided to take my body temperature today, thinking that perhaps a cold condition in my body was causing blood circulation problems-hence the cramps or pain. (I am always trying to figure my body out!) It had also been raining and the weather was cooler than normal. Well, I was surprised that after having been awake and active for 3 hours, my temperature had only climbed to 97.9˚. Normal human body temperature should be 98.6˚.  Hmmm... Maybe there is a relationship there between the pain and a cold body. Or maybe I'm just a cool babe.... Or maybe like Arthritic sufferers, my talented throbbing ass can tell when the rain is coming! 

Aunt Flo's Horrible Visit

Another awful visit from Aunt Flo this time. This would be my third period after my miscarriage. The last cycle leading up to this period was terribly  disappointing because my body was so out of whack. I was looking forward to some serious baby dancing this cycle, but my body did not ovulate. It usually happens around Day 20 but the ovulation stick basically said No Way Hosea! I peed on so many ovulation sticks, day after day, that I finally gave up because the ovulation sticks always came back a resounding NO! However I suspect that -based on my body temperature and the discharge- that if I did ovulate it might have been at Day 28. That's 4 weeks into my cycle, which is too late in my opinion to have a hormonally healthy environment for a viable pregnancy. My period was also a week later than usual. And all this culminating into another excruciatingly painful period. 

I was so upset not only by the pain but the fact that my body had shown no signs of improvement despite having religiously taken the herbal medicine everyday, sitting through acupuncture twice weekly, sleeping with a hot water bottle on my uterus and abstaining from cold, icy drinks throughout the month. Oh well, except for maybe twice when I gave into ice cold coke and some ice-cream! But that was only two days out of the entire cycle! 

In TCM, painful periods are the result of a condition called blood stasis, which is evident as passing  dark coloured blood and clots during periods. I had plenty of clots this time, and I can't believe that it was all due to those two sinful days! So I asked Master L, my TCM doc why this was happening despite following his treatment-which had been very effective for me when I first started. Within a month of his treatment I had pain-free periods and within 4 months I had conceived. But after my miscarriage, the treatments were getting no where. It had been 3 cycles since the miscarriage - and despite all the treatment, my cycles were longer and the periods were horrifically painful and heavy. The only improvement I had this last period was that I felt 30% less pain and that the flow was not very heavy. It was too little of an improvement for me because I was still bed-ridden for days, breaking out into cold sweat and keeled over in pain and not being able to sleep or eat because of the pain. This did not feel like progress to me.

Master L's explanation was that my body had not forgiven me for the abuse that it suffered after the miscarriage due to the lack of care I had given it. I did not rest and heal and nourish my body the way I should have. As a result my body is still reeling in from the consequences of my neglect and there are still some unresolved problems in my system. Suffering from conditions such as endo and hormonal imbalance meant that I was suffering from a bigger set back than normal healthy women who had miscarriages.  His conclusion was that what he did for me was not good enough - that his treatment was right, but it had to be "more right" (his words!) As for me, that meant 100% diligence in abstaining from cold and raw food. Ai-yai-yai!  So with my silly logic I asked him- if ingesting cold stuff was a problem, wouldn't it be ok to drink something very hot following a cold drink to counteract the coldness? His reply was that it would be like putting on a band-aid after first stabbing your body with a knife.  Sigh! I guess there's just no cheating! 

The Diagnosis

It was only about 7 years ago that I finally managed to put a name to the menace that wreaked havoc on me every month. And I regret to say that it wasn't a doctor who diagnosed my nightmare-it was a self-diagnosis. For years, doctors would brush my concerns aside and tell me that cramps and heavy bleeding were quite normal, but I knew it was not - because I remembered a previous life before pain. They investigated little beyond my annual pap smear and sent me home. For years I just lived with mild painkillers that did nothing for me. A switch to ibuprofen helped but aggravated my gastritis. I was desperate for a cure or anything that would take away the pain. But how do you look for a cure when you don't know even what you've got? Then I met someone who experienced painful periods like me and took meds that relieved her pain. That was when I first heard that E-word: En-do-me-trio-sis. Could that be me? This clue brought the Sherlock Holmes out of me, and with Google as my magnifying glass, I looked through pages and pages of information about endo. The more I researched, the more I realized what a textbook case of endometrosis I had!

• Pain before and during periods - Check!
• Pain with intercourse - Check!
• General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month - Check!
• Low back pain - Check!
• Heavy and/or irregular periods - Check!
• Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation - Check!
• Painful urination during menstruation - Check!
• Fatigue - Check!
• Infertility - Check!

And none of the doctors could tell me this. They didn't even bother to ask me the right questions that would have pointed them towards a diagnosis. What the hell was I paying them for? And from what I have read, I learned that there was no cure for endo, and I was devastated.

One day, I consulted a doctor about my infertility and told her that I suspected I had endometriosis. Based on my symptoms, she told me it was likely I had endometriosis - Gee Thanks! Tell me something I don't already know!! My ultrasound had also shown that I had a tipped uterus. There was a thick mass behind it, indicating that endometrial cells had been growing and forming adhesions to the back wall of my uterus, possibly pulling it backwards. Wee! Another problem to add to my infertility! The only sure-fire way to know if I had endo was to have a laparoscopy. That meant cutting me up, blowing my tummy up like a balloon, poking a camera in there to have a look, sewing me back up and then telling me - Yup! You have endometriosis. They could remove endometrial adhesions while they were in there, but they would just grow right back. So-No Thanks! It seemed pointless. Sure - it would have been nice to have visual proof, but it still wouldn't cure me of endo. The straight-from-textbook symptomatic pain in its wonderful variety and intensities was proof enough. I am one of the 80 million women worldwide suffering from endometriosis.

What's Wrong With Me?

Pain wasn't always a regular part of my life - only half my life. I remember the days in high school where I used to wonder why girls made such a big deal out of their periods. "Just shove a tampon in and you won't even know Aunt Flo is here", I used to think. A period never stopped me from doing anything. WOW! Who was that? I don't know that girl! Years passed and an occasional cramp would turn up. And then it got worse and worse, until I was popping all sorts of painkillers like they were candy, but to no effect. The pain and the volume was typically enormous. The blood would flow as if a dam had suddenly burst open. One time, the blood gushed out with such tremendous speed and volume that it overflowed past my super-duper heavy nightflow sanitary pad (which I need to wear in the daytime) and trickled down my legs, to the horror of bystanders, and me, at the mall (yes, that really happened to me). These days I can't do anything for at least 3 to 4 days of my life each cycle. I would be keeled over in pain, crying my eyes out and praying that I would just pass out from the pain. As if that wasn't fun enough, a very eager gastritis would join the party, usually on Day 2. A Double Whammy! Yippeee! With excruciating pain in both the upper and lower abdomen, and blood threatening to overflow and stain everything I lie or sit on, which I don't have the energy to clean, it was just impossible to function beyond my bedroom and toilet. Thankfully, my dear wonderful husband, who is my rock and my life support system, would feed me in between sobs, and be at my every beck and call, bringing me everything from hot water bottles to Kleenex to my cat - anything to soothe me. He was always thinking one step ahead of me, even before I knew what I needed. He's my hero! I can never make it through without him and I love him dearly for it. This is a typical scenario for me month after month. And for many years I never knew what was wrong with me.