Sales and Sex

Hi there!

Zengirl's back. Anyone miss me? Haha! I don't think so. 

I cannot believe that it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. Time flies when you've been shopping! 

You heard right folks! I've been on retail therapy. We went to Singapore for some R&R which turned out to be a serious shopping marathon. Has anyone told you that the country is just one huge giant shopping mall? Everything you need from ATMs to restaurants to nail salons are all reachable by foot in a giant network of malls and interconnecting walkways.  It seems that every subway train you take exits into a mall. And each mall is connected to another mall via some underground air-conditioned walkway. You can literally spend all of your time inside buildings during your entire stay there, not breathe the outside air, or see the sky. You would never know if there was a hurricane outside or if there was an alien invasion. You never have to step outdoors! Ever! 

One day, you might surface outside, a little dazed, exhausted, with lots of shopping bags in your hands and random thoughts like "Wow! I finally got out!" and "Ahhh! So this is real air...." and "So, this is what the outside looks like!" swim around your head while you try and re-orientate yourself. And because it's the "Great Singapore Sale", an actual event that hits the island country like it's a religious event, you're wondering if you could possibly be missing out on more shops with orgasmic sales. And with that thought, you're ready to go back into the labyrinth of malls with your last extended credit on your plastic.  

And I did. And I shopped till I dropped! Some of the sales were indeed fantastic! I got a few dresses and skirts for 75% off and 2 pairs of jeans for 50% off. I even bought some hiking shoes! Right! Like I'm going hiking anytime soon!!!

And when I got home, somehow the shopping fever stuck. The summer sales have just begun here and I picked up some more stuff! My favorite purchase over the weekend was a green handbag which I spotted last minute on the way to the cashier when the store was closing! And it's not over! Just a few hours ago, I bought a huge black leather hobo bag online that I can carry my entire life in! I swear--I am not high maintenance! Not usually! 

I haven't splurged on myself like this for yonks! And it feels damn good! I have been theraparized!

On the IF front, things haven't been very exiting. In fact it has been darn slow and dull. 

It's CD28 and I still haven't ovulated. It's going to be one of them long drawn-out cycles. Today, Dr.Don'tWorry could only see 4 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right. They're all very small still but one is emerging to be a dominant one on the left. My doctors don't seem to want to acknowledge that I have long cycles because they've been ordering us to boink like we were ovulating everyday, since CD11, whether there are eggs or not! I haven't had so much sex in months! And it's not like we can get out of it because we are expected to report back to them whether we followed their boinking schedule or not (which they chart in their records)! I suppose we could miss out on some scheduled nights, but I didn't want them to think that we're not doing all we can to get pregnant! Since we're supposed to be so desperate! And we left the clinic today with more "homework"-Last night we had sex, and we're to do it again tonight and Thursday.

And that's how it is with this TCM clinic. I eat their herbal pills, take my BBT and have sex:

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex  x 10,000,000,000,000,000!

And Dr.NeverGiveUp has been trying to convince me that this method works. During my last visit, he made it a point to tell me that the patient who went in just before me was already pregnant-Aged 39 like me, after 2 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. (No wonder she was all smiles and had a spring to her walk when she came out). And he also said another patient also just found out she was pregnant after 8 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 5 years. Thanks doc. Just rub it in!

And today, he did the same thing. As soon as I sat down, he broke out the "good" news that a patient got pregnant after 4 months in the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. Frustrated, I said to him, "Perhaps it was easier for her because she doesn't have the kinds of problems I have." I half expected him to agree with me but he did not. He replied that when it comes to infertility, it is very hard to say... How big our problems are do not always correlate with the length of time it takes to get pregnant. Some women with very simple problems could take a very long time to get pregnant, yet those with complex problems sometimes get pregnant within a matter of a few months!

Well, I am relieved to hear that. We infertiles wrack our brains and tear our hair out month after month wondering why we're not getting pregnant, even after doing everything right. But the truth is, even doctors don't really know everything. So, never let any doctor give you an ultimatum or stop you from thinking that you can get pregnant. They are not in the position to do so because simply - they just don't know every darn thing and intricate process that's going on inside your body! There may be obstacles, but doctors do not have absolute control of the fate of your fertility. Even though things may look bleak or tough, the miracle of pregnancy can still happen. Don't let anybody tell you or decide for you that you can't . 

Girls, Never, Never Give Up!

The Red Pill

Neo took one (think Matrix). And it changed his life.

I'm taking one too. (Actually, bottles of it). And I'm hoping it's going to change my life.

So what's my mysterious Red Pill about?

This is my secret battle against Ms.Nasty and all the menacing adhesions growing in my ute.

This is Fibrovan...

The endo busting, fibroid killing enzyme packed in a red capsule.

Taken in doses of 2 capsules, twice daily.

A lot of health care professionals will probably tell me that I'm an idiot and NUTS for trying this and that I should stay away from it because:

1) I found it on the internet! We all know the internet is full of scams!

2) It is not endorsed by any doctor

3) It is not FDA approved, though it claims to have been manufactured following FDA guidelines

4) The principle on how it works in human bodies is probably all bullshit because it has not been proven scientifically

But an idiot I'll have to be because Dr.NeverGiveUp really left me in a lurch when he said that he wouldn't recommend surgery nor would he treat me for endo, adeno or fibroids.

My reaction: (in a silent scream...) What? 

But he's suppose to be my fertility knight in shining armour!

Instead, he told me that my problem was quite deeply and extensively rooted inside my ute and was impossible to fix with surgery. In fact it could cause even more damage. He also explained that he would not treat it with chinese medicine because he feels that it's very difficult and slow with TCM. I can't afford the time, he says. He sure doesn't beat around the bush! And you know how I feel about western drugs like Lupron. So, No medicine. No surgery.

I am left to deal with endo, adeno and Ms.Nasty on my own.

Armed with a mouse, a computer and immense desperation, I went into cyberspace to look for answers. And here's what I discovered:

• The number of women suffering from endo or fibroids is staggering. 15% or 110 million women worldwide will suffer from endo, and up to 40% (some even say 80%) of women will experience at least one fibroid by the time they reach menopause
• Many like me, are opting out of surgery and western drugs because they are too invasive, or have failed to help
• There are claims that some have the knowledge to shrink fibroids the natural way but they want you to pay them if you want to know
• There are medicinal products that claim they can shrink fibroids and endo

In the end Fibrovan looked like the most effective and "transparent" product on the market. The sheer number of women who claimed that it had made a tremendous difference in their lives was impressive. And I'm not talking about the testimonials of women on the product website who sad they were pain-free, or that their fibroids had disappeared or who finally managed to have their babies. These could all be hyped-up lies cooked up by the website. I went in search of ordinary women to see what they were saying in the forums, their blogs, women's health websites, twitter etc about their experiences. I found one or two who said they experienced no effect whatsoever and that it was a waste of money. But there were overwhelmingly more women who had positive experiences with it. And I have not heard of a single complaint about bad side-effects.

I decided to give it a try. I'm telling myself: If it fails, I would lose a few hundred bucks. So what? for years, I've already been spending a crazy fortune on health supplements for fertility. But if it works.... Wow! Considering the physical pain and infertility I am living with due to these diseases, it could be life-changing!

And how does this red capsule unleash its power? It's most active ingredient is an enzyme called Nattokinase derived from fermented soybeans called Natto, a common Japanese food and it was "discovered at the University of Chicago Medical School that safely and quickly disolves unhealthy clots and fibrin deposits in fibroids and endometriosis."  Then, your immune system will "excrete it as waste in the urine." 

I concluded that this is essentially like "enzyme therapy".  Nattokinase is also being used by people with blood clots who are at risk of having heart attacks and strokes. These patients have also stunned their doctors when blood clots up to a foot long have disappeared. But here's the main controversy I found in my research:

I have read that lab tests have shown that it dissolves fibrin, but doctors are having a fiery debate whether it can be assimilated into our bodies without our digestive system destroying its properties, hence rendering it useless. Therefore, many doctors giving enzyme therapy usually inject enzymes directly into the bloodstream. However, many people who have taken nattokinase orally have reported experiencing its benefits and believe it works. So who's right? I don't know. But I'm convinced that I will never ever come close to experiencing the relief and life-changing benefits that some women have experienced with Fibrovan if I never try.

I started Fibrovan right away when I got the package in the mail. I began with 2 capsules, twice a day in May, which I will call Phase 1. And here's my experience:

Phase 1 (24 days):

- Had no bad side-effects

- Since I wasn't in pain to begin with, I didn't notice anything different.

- Ms.Nasty measured 48mm

Break: Stopped Fibrovan when I was ovulating because the safety of this product for pregnancy has not been tested.

Phase 2 (16 days to date and counting):

- Resumed Fibrovan when AF arrived after an 11-day break

- On Day 1 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty still measured no change on u/s scan.

- AF pain had not decreased

- AF flow not as heavy as before

- Surprisingly no clots during AF

- Rectum pain (on CD10) lasted shorter than usual

- On Day 11 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty has shrunk by10mm and measured 38mm!

- First sex after AF not as painful as usual

- Had no bad side-effects

In short, Fibrovan hasn't done much for my pain so far. But Ms.Nasty has shrunk! Is this the work of Fibrovan? I really don't know. It's probably too soon to tell. But am I gonna keep taking it? Hell yeah! Will I tell Dr.NeverGiveUp I'm taking it? Hell no! At least not until Ms.Nasty's shrunk significantly.

Fibrovan is being marketed for fibroids. If you want to know more about this product, you can go here. This company also makes another product marketed for endometriosis which is essentially the same product with added Vitex (Chasteberry), a natural herb to help regulate your hormones. Since Dr.NeverGiveUp is already giving me TCM herbs for my hormones, I didn't want to interfere with it by taking vitex. So I chose Fibrovan instead to try. I will continue to share my findings here. The company claims that these products can be taken for prevention once these diseases are under control. It's not a cure because the root problem of what causes these diseases is still not addressed. But it will keep dissolving the growth of endo and fibroids before they become too big of a problem. 

And just for the record, I am not associated in anyway with the company that makes this product, have not been paid by anybody to write about these products or am I endorsing the product. I am just sharing my personal opinions and experience with you because I am sure a lot of women out there would like to know if this product is a scam. Because it sounds too damn good to be true!   

Quietly, desperately, I am hoping that this is the solution I asked god for. 

Is Ms.Nasty Turning Over A New Leaf?

Ms.Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass gave me a shock today! She measured in at 38mm during my ultrasound scan! That folks, is shockingly good news because she's... Wait for it...

10mm SMALLER! (Gasp! Gasp!)

She has shrunk!

A week ago during my period, she was still the same size, as she always is at all my u/s scans-A big fat 48mm! 

Dr.NeverGiveUp doesn't know what's going on. But I think I do. (More later).

"Can the fluctuations in hormones during a menstrual cycle cause the size to change?" I asked.

"No. Fibroids do not change like that."

 I knew from his expression that he was puzzled, but he kept quiet. And didn't want to offer any explanations. He wasn't treating me for Ms.Nasty but I have been secretly battling Ms.Nasty on my own. And I am hoping that Ms.Nasty's retreat is the result of that, and not a fluke. 

I was so astonished and happy after the u/s scan that I forgot to ask for a picture of it. But Ms.Nasty actually looked smaller. She's flatter and not so round. Oh please, please, puhleeeze let this be a permanent change!

She may have behaved like a saint today, but yesterday, she was one nasty devil, being a real pain in my ass. Literally. Just like clockwork, "Ass-throb Day" turned up on CD10 and attacked me out of nowhere! My rectum felt like it had been impaled by a knife. It was like a major serious period cramp in the wrong place--Up my butt! It was so bad, I had to get off my computer and lie down. If you had a period cramp you could put a heating pad, or massage your tummy, but how do you do that when the pain's inside your ass? I had never had it so bad before and I was seriously contemplating taking a painkiller for it. But I stuck it out. The most intense pain lasted for 20-30 minutes. And then it lingered for a total of 3-4 hours before it vanished! Thank god it did, because if Ms.Nasty's being particularly mean, she can make it last for days.

For a long time I never knew what caused the pain, but after seeing the u/s scan of Ms.Nasty leaning right next to my rectum, I knew she had something to do with it. And for some strange reason, she likes to wreak havoc on CD10. Surprisingly, she went away as quickly as she came. And today, she's even made herself smaller!

Today, I also managed to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp my burning question of the week:

Can sex induce a period? The answer is "Yes!"

For that reason, he advices that women trying to conceive should stay away from sex during the last 3-4 days before their period. So I was panicking for no reason when AF came on 11DPO after sex. Rest assured girls-these things do happen! And talking about sex, he has already scheduled when we should be having sex next-today (Friday), Monday and Wednesday! It's very weird having another man tell me when to have sex!

My next post-I'll let you in on the secret stuff I've been doing behind Dr.NeverGiveU's back and why I think Ms.Nasty has calmed down a notch. Stay tuned.

My Worst Buy-EVER!

Have you ever bought anything on sale, like a top or skirt, taken it home, and then cursed yourself insane for spending your money on the most horrendous thing you had ever laid your eyes on?

Well, I did that recently - not on clothes, but on a "fluff" novel that had a 20% discount. Having had a taste of romantic novels recently and liked it, I decided to venture out into Danielle Steel land. She's possibly the most successful romantic novelist of our time. Steel has written like a zillion best sellers and I didn't know where to start. So this book that was displayed at the front of the book store caught my eye-especially its bright 20% discount sticker!

"Beneath the charm, there lurked the dangers of possessive love..." it said. Hmmm, sounds interesting. To sum it up, it's about a woman who falls irresistably in love with a magnetic, charming man and is whisked away to his palatial Irish estate. But then lies, jealousy and secrets begin to surface. Is she paranoid, or is the man she loves hiding something worse?... And with that brief tantalizer, I was sold.

I took it home, and then I stumbled upon a one-paragraph page at the beginning of the book. Steel wrote in her own ominous words, the definition of a sociopath.

Oh! Crap! What have I bought? That doesn't sound like a fluffy love story! It's a forewarning- it's going to be a scary story about a psycho who destroys a woman! I was going to save this for my 2WW but this was way too scary and intense for a time when I'm supposed to be relaxed and happy for my hormones to be in good shape! So I started reading it, to have it out of the way by my next 2WW.

WTF????----

(Warning: Spoiler...)

After a month-long whirlwind romance, the man decides that he wants to make a baby with her. She was 44 years old and she wasn't ready to start a family at her age with a man she hardly knew. He tricks her into visiting a fertility clinic where she winds up doing a full-on fertility work-up. That very visit, they discover that, at age 44 I stress, her eggs were wonderful and that she was ovulating. His SA revealed that he had superb sperm count, at age 46. The doctor immediately recommends artificial insemination there right away (IUI I'm guessing, surely not IVF!) but she declines. They leave the clinic and they find out later that her "FSH levels is as low as a twenty-year-old's and her estrogen level is terrific!"  

WTF??? I was so upset at this point. A 44 year-old has great eggs and terrific FSH and estrogen? And the guy's perfect too fertility-wise? Aw, c'mon!

Then, that night, they get drunk on champagne, have wild, passionate sex and forget about using contraception. And you can guess what happens next- Let's say it together now:

SHE GETS PREGNANT!

WTF? WTF? WTF???

She POAS and sees a very faint second line. She looks at it at every angle and keeps seeing two lines! The words "Two Lines" appear 4 bloody times on that page. OK! We get it already!

They set up house and she actively takes part in the restoration of the property, which the man objected to because she was pregnant. She miscarries at 3 months and he blames her-"You killed our baby!....You fucked it all up!... It was a shitty thing to do, to the baby, and to me. You killed a healthy baby..."

WT Bloody F???

And now the miscarriage is her fault, and a murder?

Come ON! I know it's fiction but, really? I got so damned annoyed and angry I stopped reading at that point! I mean, we infertiles all know how ridiculous this whole super-fertile-at-40-something-and-getting-knocked-up-at-first-try saga is!

And I can't believe my luck! Can you imagine-

Out of all the guzillions of books in the store, I had to pick a book out like this one. That had to be about fertility, pregnancy and miscarriage. The very topics that I'd wanted to get away from for just a few of hours of my life. And I paid for this torture too!

This is a book that every infertile she never, ever, EVER have on her list! So be warned, if you're having problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant-Stay away from Danielle Steel's "Matters of The Heart".

Even if they were giving it away for free!

Staying Positive While Popping Pills

I spent the last few days drowning myself in a million pills that are supposed to help me get through AF. I've been taking:

                                                +

The top pic shows my usual daily onslaught of TCM meds. The bottom pic shows what I took in addition to it for AF pain and gastritis (which always seem to accompany AF pain without fail). Doesn't the amount look just insane?

There was no pain on CD1 (yay!) but the pain came on CD2 and 3. It wasn't too bad, and I suppose I could have handled the pain without meds since I've suffered a lot worse before, but I copped out. Initially I thought I could rough it out so that I could assess my true condition. Hubs thought it was a good idea too. But uhm...Nope-I didn't feel too much like being a hero. I am just not a fan of pain! Those extra meds were a great friend to me for those two days. The flow was a bit heavy on the 2nd and 3rd day, but at least it wasn't like Niagara Falls. It's now CD5 and it feels like someone has just started to turn off the tap.

So why do I like to document all this and gross you out with all my AF symptoms? Because in TCM, it's recognized as an effective gauge on how well you're doing. If your hormones, energy and blood circulation are good, and there are no uterine abnormalities, you should have a perfect period: one that bleeds bright red straight away, moderate volume, no clots, no pain, and lasts 5-7 days without any spotting before or after. And that's what I am working towards - a healthy, normal functioning reproductive system.

This one's hardly a perfect period, but what I'd like to focus on is the positive stuff-
Hey! My period wasn't any worse than before! Therefore, in my miserable, crappy uterine IF world, that's actually great news! So here's why I got my party whistle out:

1. There were no clots
2. The volume was no worse than before
3. The color looked quite bright and healthy
4. The pain wasn't too bad nor worse than my previous AF 
5. Ms.Nasty has not grown
6. I had a lovely bi-phasic BBT chart this past cycle
7. And I did ovulate on my own even though it took hell of a long time!

It's probably too early to assess if Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment is any good, but I didn't get worse. That's something to celebrate huh?

(For some strange reason, I've been craving margaritas and cosmos during my last 2WW. Anyone have that as a pregnancy symptom? LOL!!!)






PS- By the way, a big "Thank You" to all of you who came out to share and support me at my last post. It meant a lot to me!

WTF Period On 11DPO

I'm so sad.

I knew this cycle was a bust for me. I just knew I wouldn't get pregnant given the condition I'm in. And I was so sure that I wouldn't feel upset because I was already expecting a BFN.

But what do you do when AF arrives 4 days early? Today would have been 11DPO, but I've started bleeding already. This means that I had an incredibly short luteal phase at only 10 days. Which is just Plain. Bad. News.

And I am just wondering whether the love-making we had last night brought on the period. In fact, I told hubs that it may cause it to come early, though deep down I felt it was quite unlikely given that my period was still quite a few days away. So I was really shocked to wake up and find spotting on my underwear. And bright red on the TP wipe. And it's been building up. My BBT has plunged too. I'm pretty sure this is it (AF).

It's happened to me before but usually just the day or 2 before my expected AF. But never this early. Has anyone had their periods induced by sex before? If it has happened to you before, can you please let me know because I feel like such a freak right now?

If this is a normal occurrence, then, is this why they tell you not to have sex during your 2WW if you're trying to conceive? I've heard about not exercising or having sex during the 2WW and I used to stick to it religiously, but I was beginning to think that it was all bullshit when I never got pregnant anyway. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me not to exercise in the last 3 days before AF but he never mentioned anything about sex.

So now I'm upset and confused.

I already have a long list of infertility challenges - endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, irregular ovulation and bad eggs. And I really don't want to add "luteal phase defect" to it.

I've been holding up quite well the whole day, but I think I'm beginning to crack.

I'm such a walking disaster.  Sniff!

Two Week Waits And Trashy Romance Novels

It's good to know that my uterus is still working- somewhat. Dr.NeverGiveUp scanned my ute on Friday (7DPO) and told me that I had ovulated and that the lining was building up very nicely at 11.9mm. Then he tells me later that my egg quality wasn't very good though for this cycle because it was quite big @25mm. He's an optimist but yes, always a realist!

Here's what I learned from him during my appointment:

• In his experience follicles that are 18-20mm in size seem to be ideal because he has noticed that most successful pregnancies occur from follicles of that size.  

• The ideal thickness of the uterine lining should be around 8-14mm for pregnancy to happen, but the optimal range seems to be changing with ongoing research. He says that 18mm used to be considered too thick but that is even acceptable in today's standards as stastistics have shown that women are able to get pregnant with that.

• He has helped over 600 women conceive naturally with TCM since he started his practice 15 years ago. He has also been listed as one of the panel doctors in a hospital-the first for a TCM doctor to be recognized in a (western medicine) hospital. And also invited to lecture in universities. Several of the prominent fertility clinics in town know of him and even refer their patients to him. He was trying to reassure me that I am in very good hands. 

So, here I am now on 10DPO. I think that this cycle is pretty much a bust anyway~Only 50+ days into treatment under Dr.NeverGiveUp and bad egg which took forever to ovulate! What are the odds of a BFP with that? Though I'm sure that my lining's doing its stuff cos I've been feeling crampy. It's been a while since I've felt like this.

Being in the midst of a 2WW feels very strange to me. It feels like it has been a millenium since we've TTC. We've only skipped out on one cycle because I didn't ovulate last month, but it feels like it has been a really, really long time. So I got out my calendar and counted back to the last time I had a positive OPK and got down to some serious baby-making:


.... 99 DAYS!

Holy crap! That was like 3 months ago! We've been sitting on the side lines for so long! No wonder this 2WW felt so weird! I just turned 39 this year. Is age really getting to my eggs? Last year my cycles were averaging at 35 days, ovulating 85% of the time. Going by this track record, it looks like I'll be ovulating only 4 times a year~spring, summer, fall, winter? Eeeek!!!!

Well, bad egg or not, it's still a 2WW no less, and I finally got a chance to dig out the romance novels I bought several months ago in anticipation of the 2WWs that didn't come. During my last 2WW I started reading romance novels. At that time, I asked myself what was a good way to take my mind off to a happy place far, far away? I thought romance novels may be ideal because I'm a sucker for all that feel-good romantic stuff, though I haven't touched a single romance novel since "Sweet Valley High" days back when I was a teen! (Anyone remember those?) So I walked into a book store, clueless, and blindly picked out a few books by New York Time's Best Selling authors.

Boy! Was I wrong! Those books are not "feel-good" all the way! I cried and cried and cried! There were so many twists and tragedy in the plot that it put me on a intensely wild emotional roller-coaster ride! I read "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks which I wanted to before I saw the movie, and "Every Breath You Take" by Judith McNaught. Yeah - So much for a happy, zen 2WW!!! And for all I know my hormones probably amplified those emotions 100 times stronger! But now I am HOOKED! Especially on McNaught's books! They're dangerous-I simply can't put them down, even to sleep! In a global recession, being whisked away to a world of glamor, money and private jet planes, without any care nor accountability for carbon footprint, is such a wonderful escape. And where the heroine gets pregnant immediately after a hot, steamy 2-night sexual affair seems so ridiculous to an infertile but absolutely consoling to see that the hero and heroine really loved and wanted their children. I've read 2 more of McNaught's books this 2WW. And no more till my next 2WW. They're just way too dangerous!