Dr Yeeeouch!

Let me tell you about Dr Yeeeouch!

After a very strange first consultation with him, we decided that we couldn't brush him off based on first impressions. After all, he seemed to be quite deft with needles and acupuncture points, having managed to clear my husband's sinuses with just a couple of pricks. He had given us some herbal medicine to consume over the course of the next few weeks or so, but there wasn't a clear plan of treatment. I was just waiting for an excuse to go back to him, sooner.

That came on the 25th of January, just 3 days after we first met him. Two days prior to my second appointment, I had been having the worst lower back pain. It wasn't a bone thing. And it wasn't my usual radioactive ass-throb, endo-related pain. It was just a very, very bad ache deep inside my body below the waist. I suspected a deficient condition, likely related to the kidneys (think TCM!) My hot water bottle came to the rescue.

Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short,  Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief! 

I thought it would go away after a day, but the pain continued onto the second day. So I thought, "Right, something is so wrong here. I am going to see the acupuncturist tomorrow". The next day, the pain was gone! Oh crap! I was really looking forward to seeing what acupuncture could do for it. I called up my new acupuncturist, complained to him about the pain in as many chinese words as I knew and said I was coming to see him! 

His other clinic wasn't optimally located either as it was again, across town from us in a different direction. But thankfully he was opened till 10pm, so we could avoid rush-hour traffic and mosey on down to his clinic leisurely after dinner. When we arrived, we were greeted by a young woman in a white doctor's coat and ushered straight to the acupuncture beds. We were reminded to take off our shoes at the door-that's how it is at this clinic-shoes off in all the carpeted rooms. Soon our new acupuncturist came to meet us, barefoot. Oh! So that explains his barefootedness when we first saw him. But, he was STILL in short sleeves and shorts! Yes, his top was a buttoned-down, smart-looking collared shirt, and his black shorts did look like the most formal style a pair of shorts could ever look, but that's not the image of a doctor that I am used to. All his other apprentices and students were smartly dressed in white coats and long pants, but he, the master, didn't seem to care. I don't know - maybe it's a chinese thing, but he seems to be saying that he knows who he is, he's secure in his abilities and all he wanted to be was comfortable. And he did come across as quite humble. So lets find out what he can do... I told him about my lower back pain and he motioned me to lie down face down. The bed had a hole for the face like those massage beds.

And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!

He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.

Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!

While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.

Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!

After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!


When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.

Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?

I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.

Oh dear god, help me!

I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!

Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?