Vent-O-Rama

I'm back from Maldives! I had the most wonderful time! It was exactly what I have been longing and searching for, and I didn't want to leave!

Our island was beauuuuuutiful and the resort was second to none! We've never been so pampered before in our lives. It was truly a 5-star experience all the way through: We had hotel staff handle all our bags and check-ins at airports, we had a special waiting lounge where we could eat and drink ourselves silly (for free!) while we waited for our flight, we had a personal host that took care of our every need, we had an expresso machine in our rooms with all the decaf coffee we could ever want (we requested decaf-they delivered-plenty!), anytime we hit the beach chairs, someone would come running with iced-water, cool refresher towel, sun tanning oil, face mister and sunblock lotion without us even asking (did I mention, all free?), when the day got kinda hot, they would come up to you at the beach and give us a complimentary shot of some exotic fruit smoothie, breakfast was totally indulgent with all-you-can-eat pastries, eggs done anyway, pancakes, crepes, waffles, buckwheat noodles with Wagyu beef, Maldivian-style breakfast, any style coffee/tea, fruit juice, fruit platter, homemade yogurt, all sorts of breads or toast, and any special request you might have, they gave us complimentary afternoon tea everyday with exotic nibbles from the Moroccan-Maldivian restaurant (when they didn't have ginger tea they would even make some out of fresh ginger for me), they drew a bath for us and filled it with flowers and scented candles all around AND decorated our bed with petals in a heart shape even though we were not honeymooners, there was turn-down service where they left scented candles in our rooms and different gourmet sweet treats every night to wind down the day, they spoiled us with a complimentary couples spa and island tour, they arranged a private dinner on the roof-top without us even asking and even gave us complimentary dessert after that. And our rooms were amazing! It was a private villa with a huge TV we never used, huge comfy bed, daybed, iPod docking station, his and hers sink with his and hers toiletries, indoor rain shower AND an outdoor bathroom with shower and bathtub so you can bathe under the stars. The view was a picture perfect postcard - The sea water was a stunning shade of blue and turquoise, and the coconut tree lined sandy beaches were white and powdery. Everything was perfect. This was paradise.

BUT---

I did not ovulate!

WTF? Bloody F*ckin' @#$%!*$#%!!!

My dreams of coming home with a made-in-paradise baby was crushed. I mean, what should I expect? Miracles don't ever happen to me. Luck is never on my side. I created a perfect getaway for my body, mind and soul, but my body refuses to cooperate. F**k! F**k! F**k!

And I am now not only dreading AF, but so dreading the fact that I'll be on a holiday surrounded by all my in-laws when it happens. My sis-in-law will be flying in from LA with her husband and her 4 yr old daughter "Her Royal Highness" and we, together with my parents-in-law will be going for a beach holiday (yes, yet another one for us). What makes it particularly unbearable for me is the fact that "Her Royal Highness" is so loved and cherished by my parents-in-law and she represents the child my husband and I can't have. I was secretly hoping that come next week, I would have some great news to share--that we too would have one of our own, but it's not to be. We just have to be the barren ones while everyone dotes on the "Golden Child".

Did I ever mention how much I hate "Her Royal Highness"? I have to be the worst Aunt in the world for  feeling this, and she's done nothing wrong to deserve this from me. But I am so filled with jealousy. In order for you to understand how special she is-you need to know that her grandparents waited almost 20 years to have their first grandchild. They had given up waiting. "Her Royal Highness"'s father never felt that he would be a good father and it wasn't until they were 40 that they had her. She turned out to be the prettiest baby with the most delightful personality. She was born smiling and laughing! She was like the brightest star among all the stars in the night sky! She's absolutely captivating! Her grandparents, especially her grandfather fell head-over-heels in love with her. She's the Golden Child and she's treated like royalty. No. Like a God!

And ever since she came into the world, everything's about her. Can you imagine how that makes us feel? Her grandfather (my husband's father) cares more about "Her Royal Highness" than his own children. Spoiling her with new toys once in a while is pretty acceptable behaviour and rather expected, but what do you think:
- When he goes out and buys a Mac laptop for her so that he could Skype with her whenever he wants to see his golden grandchild?
- When he had decided for her that she should take up golf young and so she could be some golf prodigy   even before she's in her teens
- When he wanted to buy her a Stradivarius violin (some of the world's finest, rarest and most expensive violins) just for her to mess around with just incase she turns out to be a child prodigy
- When he goes out to an electronics store and buys her a real Karaoke machine and mic because she loves to sing
- When he went out and bought her an Olympus camera because she occasionally likes to play with her mother's camera?
- When he emails us from Canada asking us to urgently buy her a gift 6 months in advance (it was some stupid musical light lantern)
- When he decided on a restaurant for our family reunion dinner based on the fact that it serves one of the dishes that "Her Royal Highness" likes to eat. Of course none of our opinions matters.
- When he makes us run around town looking for a child booster seat (months in advance might I add) to install into his car for "Her Royal Highness" while she is visiting
- When he expects my brother who lives one state away to come down and look at his car to confirm if the booster seat can be installed into his car (yes, we barrens are unqualified)
- When his daughter asks for an iPod to keep "Her Royal Highness" entertained on the plane, they get one for her
- When he's already set up a trust fund for her (while there's nothing for his own kids)
- When "Her Royal Highness"'s father (whom I shall refer to as "Psycho" crashes his car, good old grandpa goes out and gives them money to buy an upgrade ie a bigger car so that the whole family can sit with the golden child whenever they visit and travel together

So, yes. I'm a tad jealous and spiteful. Am I over reacting? I feel so terrible and guilty for having these feelings. I am such an awful, awful person to feel this way towards an innocent, beautiful child. But every time I look at her or her guzillion photos that adorn my parents-in-law's home (their house is a shrine to her) all I see is the child we can never have, or the love we can never feel in our family.

And what pisses me off even more is why an asshole like "Psycho" can father such a beautiful child, while we can't. They waited till they're almost 40 and decided they wanted one, and they got pregnant, completely au naturel. Just like that!  "Her Royal Highness"'s father is hands down the biggest asshole I have ever met. He has a severe inferiority complex and always feels the need to talk down to people. He's often stern and cold. He has the worst temper and abuses his wife verbally (psychologcally and emotionally too). Let me just give you an example: we were picnicking somewhere in Canada (another big family holiday) and he was cooking up some sausages when his wife (whom I shall refer to as B) casually strolls up to him and asks where the bottle of water was. He flares up and yells in a rage at the top of his voice" FUCK "B"! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?" Like she's not worthy of his attention. I mean WTF was that response for? He belittled her and treated her like trash infront of the whole family. And that's not an exception. I see how badly he treats her all the time and she's always walking on eggshells. It's like something out of "The Joy Luck Club" movie. So many times I wanted to go and give him a big slap across his face! He's trailer trash. Literally. His biological father was in the army and he grew up in a trailer park. I mean he's put himself through college and he's pretty smart and all but he's still a white trash asshole deep down inside. I mean, I can understand why my SIL eloped with him-nobody in the family would have given her the blessing to marry him. And just by luck, he gives my in-laws the most beautiful grandchild they could have ever wanted. I'm just so fuckin' pissed! Why does an asshole like him deserve to have a child while we don't?

Uggghh! I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days. They arrive tomorrow and we'll all be off for our beach vacation on Tuesday. And AF sure's coming along with me too make things worse.

So it's CD31. No ovulation - Eggy MIA again. OPKSs been testing negative for 2 weeks now including today. TCM Doc checked my pulse and said "Nothing" which means Big Fat "FAIL" to me. But out of the blue, today my undies got really wet and I found a huge dollop of jelly-like eggwhite CM. What the f"ck is that? TMI warning--We had sex four days ago but could that still be seminal fluid leaking out? How could it be fertile CM so late in a cycle? And even if I do end up ovulating, my lining would be too old for implantation or pregnancy to be viable. Either way, I'm f*cked!

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to come back from Maldives all refreshed and zen, but all I seem to have now is frustration and bitterness. I mean, Maldives was very special, but I guess paradise is just an escape. This hell is my real life.