Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Back From Paradise!

What a wonderful gift my soul received! Our vacation at the beach was just what my soul and body needed! It had been so long since I had been excited and passionate about something other than TTC! I had such a great time reconnecting with DH and enjoying nature's gifts - I was even eager to wake up early so that I could go out and have as many hours as I could in the sun! For a nocturnal creature like myself that hardly sees daylight and prefers the quiet hours of the night, that says A LOT!

I can't tell you how great it was not having to think and plan about making babies. No precision timing, no thinking about BBTs the minute you wake up, no obsessing about getting the damn positive lines on the pee sticks, no boiling herbal medicines, no charting anything on Fertility Friend, no foods to avoid. Absolutely no pressures or thoughts about TTC at all! I could have even thrown away my watch and just be in the moment with hubby, enjoying what we had with no thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow. 

I had such a wonderful time that I have already started planning my next beach vacation! I know - I just got back! We are planning to go away in early January 2010 right after New Years. That leaves us just shy of 2 weeks to decide and plan where to go. I've practically checked out every island/beach destination around the world that has good weather for this period. Googling and researching all this with great enthusiasm has certainly taken my mind off TTC!

It was a real drag going back to see my TCM doc again on Monday though. For the first time in the past year, I really didn't want to be there. After reading my pulse, he had both good and bad news for me: 

The Good News - I am not heaty nor cold anymore. My body has finally balanced itself out! I swear it must have been all that sun-My body is normally ice cold and despite eating ice-cream, and having icy cold water and soda throughout my vacation, I had actually warmed up! Damn! A beach vacation is good for me! 

The Bad News - My liver hormones are stressed.


Stressed? But I feel great and happy and light! I had destressed completely during my fun in the sun! ??!! I really have no idea why this is happening! I guess my body is still figuring what to do about my MIA egg! Ever since eggy decided not to show up, my whole cycle has been really weird. (TMI Warning): I'm now somewhere on CD37 or thereabouts and I have been spotting dark blood with some small tiny clots the past 7 days. I have no idea if this is AF or not! Understandably, my BBT never saw the biphasic pattern that follows ovulation, and so there isn't a drop back down to note that AF is here. Obviously the lining is trying to shed and I want it to shed so that I can start off with some fresh lining the next cycle. There is however blood stasis in my body and I asked my TCM doc if could give me something to help my blood flow. Initially he didn't want to mess with my hormones, but in the end he decided he would change my herbal medicine to help it along. I've had one dose so far, and, nothing... No change. My uterus is just one stubborn B*tch! But at least I am in no pain whatsoever! 

I can't believe Christmas is just 10 days away! I haven't put up a single Christmas ornament up, and I haven't even begun to plan my Christmas dinner menu which I am hosting for both my family and my in-laws! My house is a mess and I haven't finished my christmas shopping either. But I am still feeling high from my vacation. I feel GOOD! I am still reminiscing about my holiday in the sun...

We stayed in these rooms. We were surrounded by beautiful landscaping and two pools. The first photo above at the start of the post was the view from one of the pools we were chilling in:

We were visited by monkeys from the adjacent forest reserve. Here they are peeking through my hotel room window. (Our rooms had the view of the sea) These monkeys are known to open unlocked doors and steal things from your room or balcony! We constantly had to keep our eyes on our belongings - even at the beach! 

The resort had a very wide private beach that sloped very gently into the sea:

Hornbills were also regular visitors at our resort. They come to feed on tropical fruit left out by the hotel staff during sunset. 

There's a resident cat who happens to love lounging on one particular deck chair next to the swimming pool. He was there almost everyday - as soon as guests vacated that chair! 

I expected rain, but the weather had been wonderfully sunny. And we had gorgeous sunsets that brought a beautiful end to our day of fun in the sun!

(Photo credits go to hubs)

I can't wait to get away again and lose myself in some island paradise with hubs...

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Yay! A Vacay!

My dear hubs and I will be going away for a much needed R&R tomorrow. It will be our first vacation since my miscarriage, which  happened during our last vacation... I can't believe we haven't had a break since. It's been so long!

On the TTC front, I seriously doubt I will be ovulating at all this month considering it's already CD29. Of course I will be extremely disappointed as there's little probability of a BFP as the final cycle of the year draws to an end. But this means I will be going away with little pressure about getting fertilized!!! No OPKs, no thermometers, no charting, no googling about 2WW symptoms, no worries about miscarrying! It will just be me, hubby, beach, sand, surf, sun (hopefully!), food (lots of sinful, anti-TTC ones) and romance.

I hope AF doesn't show up then and ruin the party! I really have no idea when she will make an appearance because this cycle has been really odd. Anyone have any idea what triggers a period if ovulation doesn't even occur? I guess there's nothing I can do now except to just go with the flow, not stress and think "softly", as doctor ordered! It's a time to let go, to breathe and just be.

I will not be around to read or comment on your blogs, but I will catch up when I get back. I hope to hear lots of good news about BFPs when I get back! So good luck to all of you for the rest of your cycles!

And I'm off! Vacation.... Here I COME!

Friday, December 4, 2009

A Change of Heart

I am constantly amazed at what my TCM doc is able to read from just my pulse alone. My heart has been very heavy the past few days, dealing with my annovulation this cycle. I didn't want to reveal my sadness and stress to him because it was the exact opposite of what he told me to do. So when he asked "How do you feel today?", I basically told him that there had been no change since my last visit with him 4 days ago. Then he proceeded to read my pulse with his fingers. He spent quite a long time pressing his three fingers down on my wrist in different pressures and combinations. And he checked and checked again.

Puzzled, he asked,

"Why are you thinking so HARD? You're very stressed. Think SOFTLY..."

 "What do you mean think softly?" I asked.

He explained that I had been concentrating too hard. Well, I knew exactly what he actually meant because I have been weighing myself down with so many negative and intense thoughts. He gave me an example (with great animation I must add) - You could chop wood with great urgency and aggression, worrying about how quickly you can finish the job, or you could chop wood leisurely at half the speed singing "London Bridge is falling down..."  He said that I have to do things with a light and happy approach.

Well, I don't know how well I can apply that to my life all the time, but his diagnosis about my mood and psychological state with just his three fingers blew me away! Eeek! I feel so naked! I can't hide anything from him! He counselled me some more about the importance of nurturing my hormones with happiness and romance and I nearly broke into tears! I just felt so overwhelmed by what I should be doing as opposed to what I had been doing. Amazingly, after half hour of electroacupuncture, the sadness and heaviness went away...

Later when I went to the movies for a date night with DH, I found a dollop of egg white CM when I went to the loo (Yes-Mine-Not someone else's I randomly found on the floor or at the sink!) After all this time, I was still fertile? Suddenly I felt hopeful again! I could still ovulate and get a BFP this cycle. Never mind what I said yesterday about implantation on an old lining etc... I saw hope today and that's just what I want to hang on to.

Goodbye negative thoughts!
Goodbye worries!
Goodbye stress!

Hellooooooo hope!

And I intend to hang on to this as long as I can and go on my vacation with this renewed hope. I plan to  spend my 2WW in bliss and hope and romance. No OPKs or thermometers! Yes-Ignorance is bliss! I even managed to walk past two pharmacies today without buying anymore OPKs! I am in a much better place today! A sense of calm and happiness has crept back into my heart.

Hmmm.... I wonder if it really was a good omen when Zoey brought me Mr Tiger (my mascot for hope) yesterday???...Do-do-do-do-do-doooooooo..... (to the tune of X-files)......

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Rants and Romance

It's CD25. AF has not arrived but I have totally written off getting a Big Fat Positive this month because that elusive eggy of mine is just nowhere to be found! And I can confirm that all that sex, sex, sex, sex, sex simply DOES NOT trigger ovulation! Otherwise, I'd be breeding like rabbits by now! Well, nope - no sign of cute bunnies streaming out of my vah-jay-jay at all - Myth BUSTED!

Well, my OPKs have run out. Yes, I've been guiltily peeing on them even though my TCM doc told me to stop obsessing with them (cause it's stressing me out) but I couldn't just throw them away! I spent a fortune on them, so I was just gonna pee the hell out of them till they run out. That was the only way to stop my obsession! Now I am having withdrawal symptoms! I am SO fantasizing about running out to my dealer to get more supplies tomorrow! Somebody drag me to POAS-aholic Anonymous now!

At least I still have my thermometer....

I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'd be pregnant this cycle-Delayed ovulation may be an indication that the egg quality is poor. And even if ovulation & fertilization occurs, implantation on such an old lining doesn't usually end well. I can't deal with another miscarriage again. So if this is not to be, for my own sake, I can accept that. But I just want to know why I haven't ovulated? This question has been burning on my mind! I've been eating healthily, exercising a bit more, increased my acupuncture and moxa sessions, and been downing my herbal medicine obediently.

My heart's been a jumbled mess. My doc doesn't want my mood to effect my hormones, so he has ordered me to be happy, and stress free. It's not easy I tell ya! If only emotions reacted to commands like "BE Happy!"- women would've saved a tonne of money from retail therapy! Anyway, I was drifting happily along yesterday, free of pressure and burden about conceiving, but once in a while my doubts about my infertility would creep into my thoughts. And POW! I would burst into tears. And that happened at least four times yesterday. My heart's in a strange place, drifting between sadness and happiness.

Now there's no way of knowing when I will be expecting my period. If I can pinpoint my ovulation, I can pinpoint AF because my luteal phase is usually constant. This is something I could always count on so that I can plan my activities around the days when I will be knocked out from pain. If I had ovulated today, AF would be cutting close to Christmas but at least I know I would have a week to plan my Christmas celebrations. Now I have no clue. And I need to be sober and functional as it's my turn to host Christmas this year for my family! I really don't want to spend my christmas in pain...

I wish I could fly away from all this misery. I can't. So I did the next best thing. My husband and I have planned to go away for a short vacation to a beach destination for a few days. I just booked the hotel and we are leaving on Monday. Rain is expected but I don't care. I know it's just a distraction, but I hope I will be able to find some peace in my heart and rekindle some much needed romance with my dear hubs after all that mechanical baby-making duties...

However, all is not doom and gloom in my life. I want to share two things that highlighted my day:

First one:
I was just awarded the Kreative Award by Sonja. Thank you so much for the honor Sonja! You're so sweet for thinking about me! I am so behind on passing this award and the Over the Top Blog Award that I have received, but I haven't got much love to pass around right now in my barren heart. I feel so bad. But I promise - It's only temporary!

Second highlight:
My cat did just the cutest thing! A few hours ago I heard Zoey calling out with that strange Siberian chirping meow of his, "Rrrrouuw, Rrrrouuw, RRROUWW!"I went to see what the commotion was about. Remember Mr Tiger? Zoey had found Mr Tiger on my bedside table and carried it all the way down the stairs. He was so proud to have brought me a gift! I don't know how he managed to lug it down in his mouth cos Mr Tiger is almost as big as him!  What a cutie! Mr Tiger is my mascot for hope. Do you think it's a good omen? Is god working in mysterious ways through my cat? LOL!