Friday, March 26, 2010

Peed $25 Away Today

I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a




I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?

Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.

This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?

I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...

Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Vacation Hell

Well, I made it back from vacation with my in-laws! And as expected, their obsession with the Golden Child a.k.a. Her Royal Highness (my 5 yr-old niece--see my last 2 posts) and their general paranoia drove me up the wall! You would think that a family vacation by the beach would be a fun and relaxing affair, but no... At least not for me. I so need to vent and let some of this steam out, but I might have a heart attack reliving it in detail, so here's the "short" of it:

Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.

2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.

3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.

4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.

5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!

6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!

(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)

And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!

And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!

So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!

Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no!  Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired.  Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!

I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.

And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now....  137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!

Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.

This is a very odd and unusually long cycle.  My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.

My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?

Monday, March 15, 2010

I am not Oligoovulating!




I am ovulating!

Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy.  Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.

So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.

The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance!  At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!

So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?

Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:

I never knew I had so much pigment, but they're 100% saturated by now I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for me to get any darker! My ass which is even whiter than that got sunburnt too while we were snorkelling for 3 hours at a stretch one day. The snorkelling was pretty amazing that day. In all my 14 years of diving and snorkelling, I have never seen plankton before and we hit a huge patch of plankton. We didn't know what it was at first but I figured it out cos the fish were in a feeding frenzy! The water was so dense with these bubble-like jelly plankton that I thought a whale shark was gonna come and scoop us into its mouth any minute. Apparently it was possible to see them (it's my dream to swim with a whale shark!) but plankton season which lasts about 3 months there had only just started. And 2-3 weeks before we arrived a huge turtle came and laid her eggs on the beach. We just have no luck!

Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.

Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter!  I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....

So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!

I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I'm back from Maldives! I had the most wonderful time! It was exactly what I have been longing and searching for, and I didn't want to leave!

Our island was beauuuuuutiful and the resort was second to none! We've never been so pampered before in our lives. It was truly a 5-star experience all the way through: We had hotel staff handle all our bags and check-ins at airports, we had a special waiting lounge where we could eat and drink ourselves silly (for free!) while we waited for our flight, we had a personal host that took care of our every need, we had an expresso machine in our rooms with all the decaf coffee we could ever want (we requested decaf-they delivered-plenty!), anytime we hit the beach chairs, someone would come running with iced-water, cool refresher towel, sun tanning oil, face mister and sunblock lotion without us even asking (did I mention, all free?), when the day got kinda hot, they would come up to you at the beach and give us a complimentary shot of some exotic fruit smoothie, breakfast was totally indulgent with all-you-can-eat pastries, eggs done anyway, pancakes, crepes, waffles, buckwheat noodles with Wagyu beef, Maldivian-style breakfast, any style coffee/tea, fruit juice, fruit platter, homemade yogurt, all sorts of breads or toast, and any special request you might have, they gave us complimentary afternoon tea everyday with exotic nibbles from the Moroccan-Maldivian restaurant (when they didn't have ginger tea they would even make some out of fresh ginger for me), they drew a bath for us and filled it with flowers and scented candles all around AND decorated our bed with petals in a heart shape even though we were not honeymooners, there was turn-down service where they left scented candles in our rooms and different gourmet sweet treats every night to wind down the day, they spoiled us with a complimentary couples spa and island tour, they arranged a private dinner on the roof-top without us even asking and even gave us complimentary dessert after that. And our rooms were amazing! It was a private villa with a huge TV we never used, huge comfy bed, daybed, iPod docking station, his and hers sink with his and hers toiletries, indoor rain shower AND an outdoor bathroom with shower and bathtub so you can bathe under the stars. The view was a picture perfect postcard - The sea water was a stunning shade of blue and turquoise, and the coconut tree lined sandy beaches were white and powdery. Everything was perfect. This was paradise.


I did not ovulate!

WTF? Bloody F*ckin' @#$%!*$#%!!!

My dreams of coming home with a made-in-paradise baby was crushed. I mean, what should I expect? Miracles don't ever happen to me. Luck is never on my side. I created a perfect getaway for my body, mind and soul, but my body refuses to cooperate. F**k! F**k! F**k!

And I am now not only dreading AF, but so dreading the fact that I'll be on a holiday surrounded by all my in-laws when it happens. My sis-in-law will be flying in from LA with her husband and her 4 yr old daughter "Her Royal Highness" and we, together with my parents-in-law will be going for a beach holiday (yes, yet another one for us). What makes it particularly unbearable for me is the fact that "Her Royal Highness" is so loved and cherished by my parents-in-law and she represents the child my husband and I can't have. I was secretly hoping that come next week, I would have some great news to share--that we too would have one of our own, but it's not to be. We just have to be the barren ones while everyone dotes on the "Golden Child".

Did I ever mention how much I hate "Her Royal Highness"? I have to be the worst Aunt in the world for  feeling this, and she's done nothing wrong to deserve this from me. But I am so filled with jealousy. In order for you to understand how special she is-you need to know that her grandparents waited almost 20 years to have their first grandchild. They had given up waiting. "Her Royal Highness"'s father never felt that he would be a good father and it wasn't until they were 40 that they had her. She turned out to be the prettiest baby with the most delightful personality. She was born smiling and laughing! She was like the brightest star among all the stars in the night sky! She's absolutely captivating! Her grandparents, especially her grandfather fell head-over-heels in love with her. She's the Golden Child and she's treated like royalty. No. Like a God!

And ever since she came into the world, everything's about her. Can you imagine how that makes us feel? Her grandfather (my husband's father) cares more about "Her Royal Highness" than his own children. Spoiling her with new toys once in a while is pretty acceptable behaviour and rather expected, but what do you think:
- When he goes out and buys a Mac laptop for her so that he could Skype with her whenever he wants to see his golden grandchild?
- When he had decided for her that she should take up golf young and so she could be some golf prodigy   even before she's in her teens
- When he wanted to buy her a Stradivarius violin (some of the world's finest, rarest and most expensive violins) just for her to mess around with just incase she turns out to be a child prodigy
- When he goes out to an electronics store and buys her a real Karaoke machine and mic because she loves to sing
- When he went out and bought her an Olympus camera because she occasionally likes to play with her mother's camera?
- When he emails us from Canada asking us to urgently buy her a gift 6 months in advance (it was some stupid musical light lantern)
- When he decided on a restaurant for our family reunion dinner based on the fact that it serves one of the dishes that "Her Royal Highness" likes to eat. Of course none of our opinions matters.
- When he makes us run around town looking for a child booster seat (months in advance might I add) to install into his car for "Her Royal Highness" while she is visiting
- When he expects my brother who lives one state away to come down and look at his car to confirm if the booster seat can be installed into his car (yes, we barrens are unqualified)
- When his daughter asks for an iPod to keep "Her Royal Highness" entertained on the plane, they get one for her
- When he's already set up a trust fund for her (while there's nothing for his own kids)
- When "Her Royal Highness"'s father (whom I shall refer to as "Psycho" crashes his car, good old grandpa goes out and gives them money to buy an upgrade ie a bigger car so that the whole family can sit with the golden child whenever they visit and travel together

So, yes. I'm a tad jealous and spiteful. Am I over reacting? I feel so terrible and guilty for having these feelings. I am such an awful, awful person to feel this way towards an innocent, beautiful child. But every time I look at her or her guzillion photos that adorn my parents-in-law's home (their house is a shrine to her) all I see is the child we can never have, or the love we can never feel in our family.

And what pisses me off even more is why an asshole like "Psycho" can father such a beautiful child, while we can't. They waited till they're almost 40 and decided they wanted one, and they got pregnant, completely au naturel. Just like that!  "Her Royal Highness"'s father is hands down the biggest asshole I have ever met. He has a severe inferiority complex and always feels the need to talk down to people. He's often stern and cold. He has the worst temper and abuses his wife verbally (psychologcally and emotionally too). Let me just give you an example: we were picnicking somewhere in Canada (another big family holiday) and he was cooking up some sausages when his wife (whom I shall refer to as B) casually strolls up to him and asks where the bottle of water was. He flares up and yells in a rage at the top of his voice" FUCK "B"! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?" Like she's not worthy of his attention. I mean WTF was that response for? He belittled her and treated her like trash infront of the whole family. And that's not an exception. I see how badly he treats her all the time and she's always walking on eggshells. It's like something out of "The Joy Luck Club" movie. So many times I wanted to go and give him a big slap across his face! He's trailer trash. Literally. His biological father was in the army and he grew up in a trailer park. I mean he's put himself through college and he's pretty smart and all but he's still a white trash asshole deep down inside. I mean, I can understand why my SIL eloped with him-nobody in the family would have given her the blessing to marry him. And just by luck, he gives my in-laws the most beautiful grandchild they could have ever wanted. I'm just so fuckin' pissed! Why does an asshole like him deserve to have a child while we don't?

Uggghh! I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days. They arrive tomorrow and we'll all be off for our beach vacation on Tuesday. And AF sure's coming along with me too make things worse.

So it's CD31. No ovulation - Eggy MIA again. OPKSs been testing negative for 2 weeks now including today. TCM Doc checked my pulse and said "Nothing" which means Big Fat "FAIL" to me. But out of the blue, today my undies got really wet and I found a huge dollop of jelly-like eggwhite CM. What the f"ck is that? TMI warning--We had sex four days ago but could that still be seminal fluid leaking out? How could it be fertile CM so late in a cycle? And even if I do end up ovulating, my lining would be too old for implantation or pregnancy to be viable. Either way, I'm f*cked!

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to come back from Maldives all refreshed and zen, but all I seem to have now is frustration and bitterness. I mean, Maldives was very special, but I guess paradise is just an escape. This hell is my real life.