Back From Java

Hi Folks!

I'm back from my trip to Central Java. It was a spectacular but equally exhausting trip. My sight-seeing trips are hardly relaxing vacations - waking up at pre-dawn and out the door on our bicycles by 6a.m. to catch the sights in early morning light is not what I'd call "relaxing". But we had a great time!

[Sillhouette of the Prambanan Temples]

[Temples of Prambanan]

[Dieng Plateau]

[Boiling cauldron of mud steaming up from Sikidang Volcanic Crater]

[Borobudur Temple in the Mist]

[Borobudur Temple at Sunset]

And of course something had to give - all our scheduled baby-making, BBT charting and ovulation monitoring went out the window! I didn't even pee on a single stick, so all my OPKs chalked up quite a lot of frequent flyer miles for this round-trip! 

I had an appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp the day after we got back and he pretty much confirmed my suspicions that this cycle was a bust. The u/s scan didn't show any ovulation-ready follicles and my lining had already thicken to 16mm. My BBT had not risen and was still low which indicated that my progesterone levels were insufficient, and that ovulation likely did not happen. So I'm pretty sure there won't be a Borobudur Baby.

But Dr.NeverGiveUp was so pleased with my lining. He spoke as if he was looking at fine art and kept saying with awe that it was the most beautiful he had ever seen (in my history). He pointed at some curvy white bit on the monitor and said that the lining was thick and very distinctive-"perfect". Well, it's a relief that at least my body got something right!

During our consultation, Dr.NeverGiveUp again shared one of his success stories - apparently one of his patients found out the day before that she was pregnant. She was 40 yrs old and infertile for 7 years. She had conceived on the 4th month under his treatment and on the same month that she started taking royal jelly. He was trying to reassure me that I need not worry and that I just had to be patient because I can still conceive at my age. I mean, good for all these women, but - When is it EVER gonna be my turn? Sigh!

So now I'm back on royal jelly@bee spit. You don't know how much I deplore taking this stuff. I'm still trying to perfect my technique of swallowing this snot-like jelly without ever tasting or smelling it. The other day I squeezed my nose shut with my fingers and put it in my mouth. The texture is so gross it took me quite a few seconds to convince my throat to swallow it. Then I tried to mask it by drinking some water and then eating some sweet pastry stuff, all while pinching my nose. Gawd! Do you know how hard it is to eat something without being able to exhale or breathe? I still had my nose pinched tight, and it took an immense amount of coordination to eat like that because crumbs were flying out of my mouth as I exhaled through it. LOL! Thinking that it was all clear, I released my nose and the lingering waft of bee-spit still made me gag straight away. The kitchen sink was 2 feet away and it took all the effort I had not to hurl into it. Conclusion about sweet pastry experiment: Gargantuan FAIL! The next time I battled bee spit again, I tried the same technique but ate Halls medicated cough drops instead. The pungent menthol fumes seem to help a lot, and this is by far the best masking agent. So this takes the horror a bit out of my bee-spit saga! And to think, Dr.NeverGiveUp actually said that he eventually learned to like the taste of it (he's taking it for anti-aging/cancer reasons). "It tastes quite nice!" he says. He also suggested freezing it so you can take it like ice-cream! Like freezing poop into popsicles actually make poop taste good! 

So anyway, it's CD35 now, my ute's feeling a little tender and Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my period will probably happen within a week. Sadly, it looks like there won't be any BFP this cycle. At least the sex was good!

A Quickie

• Hubs and I are going off to explore the ruins of Java, namely Borobudur and Prambanan! Our flight leaves on Friday morning. Woohoo!

• Ovulation seems to be as elusive as ever but I am bringing a healthy supply of OPKs to pee on!

• I spent a good 15 minutes dispensing and prepacking all my TCM herbal pills and fertility supplements for the trip. There are so many pills, I felt like a freakin' pharmacy! 

• I am not taking Bee Spit (Royal Jelly) along with me. It requires refridgeration and I'm not sure my hotel room has a fridge-since the hotels where we are visiting are pretty no-frills. You can't imagine how happy I am to have an excuse not to take this stuff! 

• The Bee Spit taste is so strong that it even lingers in the water bottle I drink from to wash it down with. When I took a sip from the bottle later, the horrendous Bee Spit smell almost made me gag straight away. I realized that it wasn't so much the taste, but the afwul aroma it exudes that drills into every cell of your olfactory. And stays there! Since smell is so much a part of the taste experience, I find that if I hold my nose shut and down the Bee Spit in one gulp takes the horror off a little bit. Man! This stuff is potent!

• Thanks for all the show of love and support you gals have given me, especially in regards to my latest hormonal findings. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep up with your blogs while I'm away, but I'll catch up when I get back. Hope things are going well for you whichever IF journey you're on and hope to receive some happy news when I return!  

Adios!

Back From Hell

I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!

And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.

And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations!  I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!

Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness

So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?

I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...

Peed $25 Away Today

I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a

BIG

FAT 

NEGATIVE!


I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?

Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.

This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?

I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...

Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!

Vacation Hell

Well, I made it back from vacation with my in-laws! And as expected, their obsession with the Golden Child a.k.a. Her Royal Highness (my 5 yr-old niece--see my last 2 posts) and their general paranoia drove me up the wall! You would think that a family vacation by the beach would be a fun and relaxing affair, but no... At least not for me. I so need to vent and let some of this steam out, but I might have a heart attack reliving it in detail, so here's the "short" of it:

Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.

2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.

3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.

4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.

5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!

6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!

(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)

And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!

And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!

So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!

Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no!  Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired.  Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!

I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.

And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now....  137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!

Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.

This is a very odd and unusually long cycle.  My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.

My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?

I am not Oligoovulating!

O.

M.

G.

I am ovulating!

Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy.  Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.

So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.

The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance!  At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!

So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?

Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:

I never knew I had so much pigment, but they're 100% saturated by now I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for me to get any darker! My ass which is even whiter than that got sunburnt too while we were snorkelling for 3 hours at a stretch one day. The snorkelling was pretty amazing that day. In all my 14 years of diving and snorkelling, I have never seen plankton before and we hit a huge patch of plankton. We didn't know what it was at first but I figured it out cos the fish were in a feeding frenzy! The water was so dense with these bubble-like jelly plankton that I thought a whale shark was gonna come and scoop us into its mouth any minute. Apparently it was possible to see them (it's my dream to swim with a whale shark!) but plankton season which lasts about 3 months there had only just started. And 2-3 weeks before we arrived a huge turtle came and laid her eggs on the beach. We just have no luck!

Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.

Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter!  I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....

So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!

I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z

Mega Update-Get Your Popcorn ready

Holy crap! It's been two weeks since I last posted here. I'm sorry if you've been visiting my blog and keep finding that same darn old post every time! I have been around. Other people's blogs, that is. Just not here very much! Everyone's else's lives seem much more progressive and interesting... Me? I'm just stuck in a limbo, going around in circles, looking for that elusive miracle doctor who can help me out of this IF rut!

Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary.  I can't wait!

We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...

I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me?  Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.

He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me?  Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!

So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal.  Could I be pregnant?  I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.


Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.


And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests)  or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.

Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency:  he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff!  He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I quizzed him about manual acupuncture (no electricity) and why he didn't practice that. Straight away he said that it was very painful and everyone in the clinic would be screaming! "Who would come?" he exclaimed. Okay..... I knew from first hand experience that that was the absolute truth! He explained that manual acupuncture involved twiddling the needle till it hits the bull's eye (The acupuncture point). He said that electro-acupuncture was just as effective. In electro-acupuncture, the acupuncture points are triggered via electricity that is relayed through the needles.  I was under the impression that electro-acupuncture was slower and less effective, but according to current research, electro-acupuncture was actually more effective in treating many different conditions and longer-lasting. Ding! Ding! 

TCM Doc - 1 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

And TCM Doc's electro-acupuncture sure is a hell lot less painful than Dr Yeeeouch! Ding! Ding!

TCM Doc - 2 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

I asked hubby: How long will you be willing to continue treatment with Dr Yeeeouch?

DH: Till I reach the stage where I can't take the pain any longer. 

Me:  "I have reached that stage already!"

DH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

I don't think you'd be surprised if I told you that I've pretty much made up my mind to abandon Dr Yeeeouch.  So I'm going back to TCM Doc, at least till I find another one, god-willing!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I've started doing chi gong exercises diligently for up to 2 hours a day, everyday. I learnt a form of healing chi gong from a master many years ago, and I should have taken advantage of this knowledge to help my infertility. But it takes serious discipline. To sit and breathe and think nothing for minimum 30 mins is pure torture for me. And I'm lazy. But now I'm desperate. (BTW, this is much like the chi gong exercise that is recommended in the book "The Infertility Cure"). I am also practicing another form of chi gong-come-meditation exercise that is recommended in the book "The Tao of Infertility". Chi gong is a form of exercise where you harness your body's own chi to heal your body. I can focus the chi on a certain part of my body or set it free to seek out the trouble spots in my body. With the recent exercises, the chi went straight for my kidney point, causing me to sway back & forth uncontrollably. I just find it fascinating that it knows just where I need healing the most. I am hoping that these chi gong exercises will help balance my deficiencies quicker and heal any problems that are contributing to my infertility. At the very least, it should increase the chi and blood circulation around my body. Yup, I have to prime my body up for baby-makin time! 

And I've been meaning to tell you that this month is the 1-year anniversary of my one-and-only pregnancy which I eventually lost in March 2009. Finding out that I was pregnant in a small motel room overlooking a cemetery in Fresno after 4 years of TTC wasn't exactly how I imagined I would discover the happy news, but the joy and the awe was certainly real and overflowing. And Bryce Canyon, Utah will forever be filled with bittersweet memories - It remains in my mind a place so fascinatingly beautiful but devastatingly haunted by the memory of my miscarriage. Spookily, I will be leaving for my Maldives vacation on 1st march, exactly the same date that I embarked on my doomed vacation last year. But hopefully, this Maldivian holiday will mark a new chapter for a wonderful and happy beginning for us.  

There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-)  I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation!  But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...

We're Back!

YES! Me and my eggs are back! After what seemed like forever, my eggs which had been MIA since November have finally shown up!

I got a "Woohoo" on CD 18 (27th January)-- It's one of the puuuurtiest lines I have ever seen - on an OPK that is! Sadly, those elusive double HPT lines are still nowhere to be seen though...

Sorry for being MIA myself from the blogosphere for so long. It's been a wonderful break for me mentally. Having been absent here has probably done me quite a lot of good - I found myself obsessing and stressing less about my infertility and my Houdini eggs. But I've really missed you guys - I have so much of catching up to do.

So much time and stuff have passed since my last post. Where do I begin....? First of all, I guess a "Happy New Year" is in order! I can't believe we're already into the second month of the year! I hope everyone has had a great start to the new year and that this will be the year that dreams will be fulfilled for all the IF sisters here.

As for me, I am still trying to come to grips with the awful failure that 2009 was for me. I came into 2010 feeling very, very angry and frustrated. I wasn't feeling like I was given a new start. I wasn't in any mood to make any new resolutions. I wasn't feeling inspired or excited. It basically felt like 2010 was just an on-going, prolonging of 2009's misery.  Even the New Year's Eve party I hosted did little to bring any meaning or real joy to my life. I needed to escape from all this misery of unfulfilled TTC goals and desires.

And so escape I did - to Boracay. When I came back from my beach vacation in December (which was at Pangkor Island, a small little island off the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia - for all of you who asked) I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get away again to some island paradise. So in the 2 weeks that I was back, I feverishly did my research and settled for a vacation in beautiful Boracay, an island in the Philippines which is reknowned for it's brilliantly white powdery sand and clear, blue waters, as shown on the internetz.

After the mad dash to make our house look party-ready (and clean!) for the festivities, cooking for two Christmas dinners and one major New Year's Eve party, and doing the dreaded after-party clean-ups, AND planning the whole vacation basically all by myself within those two weeks, I was SO ready to escape to paradise for some R&R! Without any time to rest after New Year's, we packed our bags, spending every waking minute figuring out how to squeeze everything within the 10 kg (22 lbs) limit per person! Wow! What a feat it was! We have never travelled so lightly for an international trip before! On January 3rd, we left the house at 4 (IN THE MORNING!) to catch our flight and be on our way to our well-earned vacay.

Our budget airline (AirAsia, which was surprisingly pretty good) took us to Clark Airbase in Luzon, Phillipines. Getting to paradise wasn't going to be that easy as we had to take another plane to Boracay in the morning from Clark. That meant spending a night in transit. Well, Clark, which is an  ex-US airforce base is rather "interesting" to say the least. Angeles, the town around it, has for many years been servicing these army men and had developed quite a thriving sex industry there. Although Clark has been given back to the Philippines and the marines have left, the sex tourism is still there, and ex-marines have been coming back. Thankfully there weren't a lot of babies around - just plenty of sex. Well THAT- an IF sister can handle! Just not the sight of babies and pregnant women.

Everywhere we went, we saw old, fat, balding, (did I mention OLD) white men with YOUNG tiny Filipino girls. And I mean EVERYWHERE- in the hotel, in the streets, in the restaurants! We were the only same-race couple there. Possibly in the whole town! The hotel we booked was rated No.2 by Tripadvisor. Must be pretty decent right? So you can imagine our surprise when we found out that it had a popular lounge that boasted of some 80 sexy girls for "you"!! As you would expect there were more of those dodgy couples all over our hotel, some making out at the poolside, but at least they were generally pretty discreet. Thankfully the walls in our rooms were solid concrete and blocked out any noise. Infact, funnily enough, everything was built out of concrete into the walls - the wardrobe, the dressing table, even the bedside tables-all guaranteed to stay put from any... err.. shall I say "friction". Odd? Wait till you see the "red light".

I was lying in bed when I noticed one red bulb above me placed between 2 normal bulbs. What's that for? Maybe they ran out of regular bulbs? It had its own dedicated switch. Ohhh....! It eventually dawned on me that it was purely for no other reason than for SEX! Yes, we had our own little red light district in our bedroom! LOL!

Maybe it's to warn people outside the windows that the room was getting a little action? Maybe it's suppose to make us feel like prostitutes - a little "dirty" and risque? Maybe it's suppose to make us look sexy with a red glow on our skin???? Well, I can tell you that it felt anything but sexy - it felt like I was in a photo processing darkroom! One thing's for sure, no pregnancies came out of our little red light rendezvous! We can rule out that red light for TTC! 

And so we eventually got to Boracay on a little propeller plane. Now that I am back, I am still looking for my little private paradise. Boracay was certainly beautiful when you look out straight ahead into the clear, azure ocean lapping gently on the gorgeous white powder. But look left, and you'll see one million people on the beach. Look right and you'll see another guzillion people on the beach. This is what Boracay really looks like:

It feels like downtown on a patch of sand. The beach is a perpetual foot highway for human migration going to and from the mall (yes there's a mall). And the beautiful postcard colours are visible only morning till noon when the light is behind you. The sunset's gorgeous no doubt. This is paradise for some, but not for me. I am fussy when it comes to finding my perfect beach getaway. My heart is still yearning for a piece of private paradise somewhere. My soul is still looking for a moment of absolute bliss and peace surrounded by perfect beauty. After the past year of TTC failures, my soul needs some healing of sorts and I will continue looking for my sanctuary. It will be a place of uplifting beauty to rest and reconnect with myself and my husband - not with a million people. Though that one night of dancing at the club was really fun! ;-)

Sorry for having morphed this into a travel blog but this was what occupied me for the better part of January 2010! 

So stay tuned for more news - ie:

• My first TCM diagnosis back after the vacay... 
• Defecting to another TCM doctor... 
• New acupuncture horrors...
• New drug (herbal) dealer....
• Another year older...
• And another "Should-I-book-my-vacation-now-or-wait-till-a-BFN-what-if-I'm-pregnant-should-I-travel-especially-after-how-I-lost-my-baby-while-travelling" saga!

Plenty of topics to keep me occupied during my 2WW!

Luv to all you IF sisters out there! 

Zengirl

xoxo

PS-It'll take me a while to sort my shit out with all these changes and get back to blogging regularly, but I'll be touching base with your blogs by and by. For all the gals who have had BFPs while I was gone and have brought their babies into the world, my heart is bursting with joy for you - Congratulations! You know who you are! And for those still struggling on the TTC journey with me, keep going! We'll find a way! God bless us and keep us strong!

Back From Paradise!

What a wonderful gift my soul received! Our vacation at the beach was just what my soul and body needed! It had been so long since I had been excited and passionate about something other than TTC! I had such a great time reconnecting with DH and enjoying nature's gifts - I was even eager to wake up early so that I could go out and have as many hours as I could in the sun! For a nocturnal creature like myself that hardly sees daylight and prefers the quiet hours of the night, that says A LOT!

I can't tell you how great it was not having to think and plan about making babies. No precision timing, no thinking about BBTs the minute you wake up, no obsessing about getting the damn positive lines on the pee sticks, no boiling herbal medicines, no charting anything on Fertility Friend, no foods to avoid. Absolutely no pressures or thoughts about TTC at all! I could have even thrown away my watch and just be in the moment with hubby, enjoying what we had with no thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow. 


I had such a wonderful time that I have already started planning my next beach vacation! I know - I just got back! We are planning to go away in early January 2010 right after New Years. That leaves us just shy of 2 weeks to decide and plan where to go. I've practically checked out every island/beach destination around the world that has good weather for this period. Googling and researching all this with great enthusiasm has certainly taken my mind off TTC!


It was a real drag going back to see my TCM doc again on Monday though. For the first time in the past year, I really didn't want to be there. After reading my pulse, he had both good and bad news for me: 


The Good News - I am not heaty nor cold anymore. My body has finally balanced itself out! I swear it must have been all that sun-My body is normally ice cold and despite eating ice-cream, and having icy cold water and soda throughout my vacation, I had actually warmed up! Damn! A beach vacation is good for me! 


The Bad News - My liver hormones are stressed.


What?


Stressed? But I feel great and happy and light! I had destressed completely during my fun in the sun! ??!! I really have no idea why this is happening! I guess my body is still figuring what to do about my MIA egg! Ever since eggy decided not to show up, my whole cycle has been really weird. (TMI Warning): I'm now somewhere on CD37 or thereabouts and I have been spotting dark blood with some small tiny clots the past 7 days. I have no idea if this is AF or not! Understandably, my BBT never saw the biphasic pattern that follows ovulation, and so there isn't a drop back down to note that AF is here. Obviously the lining is trying to shed and I want it to shed so that I can start off with some fresh lining the next cycle. There is however blood stasis in my body and I asked my TCM doc if could give me something to help my blood flow. Initially he didn't want to mess with my hormones, but in the end he decided he would change my herbal medicine to help it along. I've had one dose so far, and, nothing... No change. My uterus is just one stubborn B*tch! But at least I am in no pain whatsoever! 


I can't believe Christmas is just 10 days away! I haven't put up a single Christmas ornament up, and I haven't even begun to plan my Christmas dinner menu which I am hosting for both my family and my in-laws! My house is a mess and I haven't finished my christmas shopping either. But I am still feeling high from my vacation. I feel GOOD! I am still reminiscing about my holiday in the sun...

We stayed in these rooms. We were surrounded by beautiful landscaping and two pools. The first photo above at the start of the post was the view from one of the pools we were chilling in:

We were visited by monkeys from the adjacent forest reserve. Here they are peeking through my hotel room window. (Our rooms had the view of the sea) These monkeys are known to open unlocked doors and steal things from your room or balcony! We constantly had to keep our eyes on our belongings - even at the beach! 

The resort had a very wide private beach that sloped very gently into the sea:

Hornbills were also regular visitors at our resort. They come to feed on tropical fruit left out by the hotel staff during sunset. 

There's a resident cat who happens to love lounging on one particular deck chair next to the swimming pool. He was there almost everyday - as soon as guests vacated that chair! 

I expected rain, but the weather had been wonderfully sunny. And we had gorgeous sunsets that brought a beautiful end to our day of fun in the sun!

(Photo credits go to hubs)

I can't wait to get away again and lose myself in some island paradise with hubs...

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

I can't wait!