Feelings... Nothing more than.... Feelings...

My TTC journey this month has been filled with mixed emotions. I am not my usual self. Each new cycle used to spark new hope in me, and my passion and enthusiasm are often renewed once AF leaves. Usually, I'm like,

"Alriiiight! C'mon babe. Let's GO!
Let's make a baby!"

I'd be armed with a thermometer and boxes of OPKs. I'd be charging into the TCM clinic and taking every needle they can hit me with like I was going to war! I'd be brewing my herbal medicine and gulping it down like it was the last vial of medicine in the battlefield that was going to save my life! And not forgetting the strategic "Art of War"-like" sex! Wow! Ok, Let's not go there. TMI!

I'm still doing all that, but without that super-hyper crazy cheerleader-voice cheering me on inside my head. Now I feel like a robot set on auto pilot, doing things I have to do because I've been programmed to do it. That fighting spirit in me is noticeably missing.

Maybe it's all the months of BFNs despite undergoing treatment. I really thought that I would be pregnant again by now. Hey - Didn't I conceive within a few months of starting TCM? After 3 months of treatment we tried that one time and we hit the jackpot straightaway! That was easy! So I thought it would be doable again. A piece of cake!

Well, it's been 7 months now since the miscarriage. Not so easy after all. What's going on here????

All my treatments over the months should be culminating into the perfect, fertile, baby-making machine. Right? Far from it! I thought I was reaching my peak, but I had the biggest setback last month. Couple that with my cold, infertile, frosty body, it hasn't given me much reason to hope. I just don't know how to be hopeful. With one BFN after another, my mind has been conditioned to expect yet another BFN.

I think my heart has been numbed by the constant failure. This failure has been especially poignant this month. This would have been the month that my husband and I would have welcomed our beautiful child in our arms, had my pregnancy been successful.

But all I keep finding in my arms are negative pee sticks! F*ck! Hardly a consolation prize!  Instead they're just a sad reminder of the void in our lives.

I feel like such a jumbled mess inside. I can't see out of this thick fog all around me.

But there is a small clearing in the fog. Today my BBT has remained high--I have finally defrosted! My TCM doc told me I am doing good today -  my hormones are "hot" and I am fertile.  This usually kickstarts the cheerleader in me, but she's nowhere to be heard. Because I know it doesn't mean I'm getting a BFP later on.

Despite the good news, I remain numb...though I can't deny there's a glimmer of hope.

I recently adopted a mascot for hope. Meet Mr. Tiger...

I confess - I didn't really adopt him. It was more like I "stole" him from my nephew. Yes, this loving auntie bought her 3 yr old nephew an adorable soft toy. But she had second thoughts and decided she wanted to keep it instead. So she denied her nephew this cute little fella! Eeek!

Now, I'm not the girly-girl type who collects soft toys and decorates her car and room with mountains of these soft squishy things. But for some reason, I was really attached to Mr. Tiger. I am really fond of it. I just feel like he belongs with me. Perhaps it reminds me of the presence of a child that will one day fill our lives. Deep inside, I still believe that I will conceive naturally and bring a child into our lives. And one day, I will pass him on to my beautiful little baby.

So that's my little Tiger of Hope. Hear him ROAR!

My Toughest 2 Week Wait Ever!

I am now at the start of the last week of my 2WW and this has to be the toughest wait ever! I came home today after my visit to my TCM doc with good news and bad news. 

The Good News - he suspects that I might be pregnant!  :-O  

The Bad News - my little bean's not looking sticky and it might "drop"  :-(

Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

My TCM doc is not actually sure if I'm pregnant because he could not get a reading from my pulse. He tried and tried many times , but my bean was not talking to him yet. It was still too early to tell. But he suspected it after I went in for my moxa today because my feet went really cold. I called for him immediately and asked why it was happening. He felt my feet and immediately pulled off the electrical wires and acupuncture needles from my legs. It scared me - I never saw him act with such immediacy before! He said that the most probable reason was that I was pregnant. Shock and Elation! What a way to find out! Then he said that if this was happening, it doesn't look good for the blastocyst-it should be loving the heat but it's not. The heat is not reaching it properly. Oh No! 

He ordered me bedrest for the next few days until our next appointment on Thursday, and immediately modified my herbal prescription. Since the moxa was not working, the best thing to do was to warm my kidneys and increase the thickness of my uterine lining with the herbs, so my little bean has a better chance of sticking! 

He tried to keep me positive by showing me the silver lining in the clouds - what this shows is that my body is now ready after months of treatment after the m/c. It just needs a bit more fine-tuning, but I am on my way. It's really consoling to know.

Now I am filled with questions and anxiety and hope. What is going on in that body of mine? Did a conception happen? Is it sticking to my ute? Will I be pregnant? Am I really pregnant? Is this it? Will it survive? Am I gonna lose my little bean? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant? 

This is going to be the toughest 2 Week Wait EVER!