Yesterday, my heart dropped and a pang of jealousy shot through it when I learned that a critically endangered sumatran rhino, recently photographed in the wild, is believed to be pregnant. This is unbelievable! I am jealous over a pregnant rhinocerous!
Today wasn't any better. I had a mini meltdown over a negative OPK.
And a negative saliva ferning test.
And negative egg-white CM - As in it's so dry, my lady parts has tumbleweeds blowing by and desert dunes have crept in.
I am 25 days into my cycle and still have not ovulated. If my previous cycle and the present one are anything to go by, it means I am heading into longer cycles. My fertility is going from bad to worse. I am just so devastated by the way things are going inside my frickin' body.
Now I have two meltdowns during a cycle instead of one big one: Once when the red tsunami hits, and once in mid-cycle when my eggs are a no-show day after day. And so the tears flowed today. They flowed in the bedroom. They flowed in the kitchen, while I was preparing my frickin' fertility herbs. Then it flowed again in the bedroom. I cancelled my appointment to see TCM doc. I won't be able to face another session of empty promises from him.
And the irony is, my body has never felt better or stronger. I haven't had any issues with endo pain this month. My lower back/kidney yang pain is gone. My body feels warmer. My libido came back from the dead, albeit briefly. My egg-white CM did make a stellar appearance a few days ago, though it's vanished now. So why is my infertility getting worse? Did my in-laws kill my fertility this cycle? Have I got a crap doctor? I am now a broken, mad, raging infertile looking for someone other than myself to blame!
But miraculous and fortunate things happen to infertile women every where. And we try to draw hope and strength from them. Hmph! The sad truth is that the world promises us good things but sometimes, all it does is just rain... and rain... and rain...
(This photo I made in Beijing, China, of a woman walking by a happy billboard in the rain pretty much sums it up)
Oh! I want a baby so badly! And just to think--somewhere in the world right now, some teenager, or a young wife, or a jilted lover or a super career woman is rejoicing and falling to the floor with relief, and thanking god and their lucky stars that their pregnancy test is superbly negative!
Yes, someone in the world is shouting with a delirious smile on their face, "I AM NOT PREGNANT! YIPPEE!"
