Yesterday, my heart dropped and a pang of jealousy shot through it when I learned that a critically endangered sumatran rhino, recently photographed in the wild, is believed to be pregnant. This is unbelievable! I am jealous over a pregnant rhinocerous!
Today wasn't any better. I had a mini meltdown over a negative OPK.
And a negative saliva ferning test.
And negative egg-white CM - As in it's so dry, my lady parts has tumbleweeds blowing by and desert dunes have crept in.
I am 25 days into my cycle and still have not ovulated. If my previous cycle and the present one are anything to go by, it means I am heading into longer cycles. My fertility is going from bad to worse. I am just so devastated by the way things are going inside my frickin' body.
Now I have two meltdowns during a cycle instead of one big one: Once when the red tsunami hits, and once in mid-cycle when my eggs are a no-show day after day. And so the tears flowed today. They flowed in the bedroom. They flowed in the kitchen, while I was preparing my frickin' fertility herbs. Then it flowed again in the bedroom. I cancelled my appointment to see TCM doc. I won't be able to face another session of empty promises from him.
And the irony is, my body has never felt better or stronger. I haven't had any issues with endo pain this month. My lower back/kidney yang pain is gone. My body feels warmer. My libido came back from the dead, albeit briefly. My egg-white CM did make a stellar appearance a few days ago, though it's vanished now. So why is my infertility getting worse? Did my in-laws kill my fertility this cycle? Have I got a crap doctor? I am now a broken, mad, raging infertile looking for someone other than myself to blame!
But miraculous and fortunate things happen to infertile women every where. And we try to draw hope and strength from them. Hmph! The sad truth is that the world promises us good things but sometimes, all it does is just rain... and rain... and rain...
(This photo I made in Beijing, China, of a woman walking by a happy billboard in the rain pretty much sums it up)
Oh! I want a baby so badly! And just to think--somewhere in the world right now, some teenager, or a young wife, or a jilted lover or a super career woman is rejoicing and falling to the floor with relief, and thanking god and their lucky stars that their pregnancy test is superbly negative!
Yes, someone in the world is shouting with a delirious smile on their face, "I AM NOT PREGNANT! YIPPEE!"
4 comments:
Oh, I am sorry. I feel your pain.
Try to not beat yourself up. You are NOT broken. I imagine how frustrating this must be. Do you think you can be one of those women who don't produce enough LH to get a + OPK? Have you always used OPKs? I wonder if you O'ed when you had the EWCM, do you temp? You know you are warmer, right? Jeez, lots of questions from me!
You are doing something right feeling so strong and healthy.
Tumbleweeds, that's some funny shit.
And, that is a very cool photo.
Oh sweetie! I wish you weren't in this despair right now. You must feel so let down after all the efforts you are going to. Don't blame yourself at all please. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Would you consider maybe going to see a functional medicine doctor? I know you are into your alternative and TCM - so this might be something you would consider, google functional medicine in your area in the US and you might come up with some helpful people.
Not to annoy you as I'm sure you're already on this herb - but have you tried agnus castus also known as vitex or the chaste berry - it helped my cycles out soooo much.
Anyway after the miscarriage I've decided to start an ayurvedic programe combining diet and body therapies. Never done ayurveda before, but I've heard it's much older than TCM and some people think more effective?? Who knows, gonna give it a shot and will let you know. xx
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I was on the same boat with the tears last week. Hope you see some CM soon.
BTW, love the way you write, you crack me up with the details of lady parts etc.
Hugs
R
Thanks to all you gals who have come by to check in on me and leave me lovely comments!
In answer to your questions:
Gurlee--I've been using OPKS consistently for the past year or so and they usually turn positive for me sometime during my cycles. So yes I think I have enough LH to whip the 2nd line on my OPK out from seclusion! And I do temp everyday, to cross reference the results. So, my OPK hasn't been lying-I haven't ovulated according to my BBT. :-( Maybe my EWCM's been messing with me though....
Clare--I've never heard of the term functional medicine before. Nor have I considered aryuvedic therapy. That's an idea I might explore! I would certainly be interested to know how that goes for you! As for the herbs, I've never tried vitex cos it's not used in TCM, though they're probably giving me something that works similarly. Thanks for the tip though! I'll definitely look into that! Sounds like a wonderful herb for IF!
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