The End Has Come

It is official:

Another cycle has bitten the dust. It's CD1 today.

I started feeling really tired and crampy yesterday. Thinking that some exercise would do me some good, you know, get the blood circulation going a bit, I managed to drag myself to the gym and came home to find that I had begun to spot. I knew that the end was near.

Today the pain started to get quite bad. I hadn't felt such pain in a while. I hadn't taken any Fibrovan since I last ran out about a month back. Maybe it did help with the pain while I was on it. Thankfully I had some of Dr.NeverGiveup's amazing TCM pain herbal medicine and took that. Within half an hour, the pain had subsided to a manageable level. Within a few hours, the flow started going. It was at that point that I began to feel relief. It was as if my ute was cramping hard trying to expel the lining, causing me pain, but once it started shedding, it started to ease up. Before, I used to cramp all the time, consistently for a few days. The difference now is that the cramping has decreased and is more focused. Every time I get a round of cramps, I can understand specifically what my body is trying to do now. And it's amazing how quickly my ute eases off once some blood is shed. A direct cause and effect. The relief is almost immediate! That's pretty amusing to me!

I'm glad this lousy cycle has finally come to an end. The good news is that I actually produced follicles much earlier this past cycle, and that my cycle has shortened to 35 days. The bad news is that I didn't actually ovulate.

Goodbye Ms.RJ1. You're like a guest who has overstayed your welcome. Hope you're gone!

Monster Egg

Ms.RJ1 has turned into a MONSTER!

Today she measured in at 30mm!!! WTF? That's about 1 1/4 inch in diameter!

Apparently she found my ovary too comfortable and did not want to leave! The u/s scan showed that she's looking a bit whitish, which means that she will not ovulate. She is turning into a cyst, which will hopefully dissolve eventually (keeping my fingers crossed).

Dr.Never GiveUp came to a few conclusions about my state:

THE BAD:

I have Luteinizing Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS of LUF) which may be caused by 2 things:

1. Insufficient luteinizing hormone (LH) to trigger ovulation. LH is produced by the pituitary gland, therefore this may point to a problem with my pituitary gland
2. There is a problem in the quality of my egg (Surprise!Surprise!) whereby the "shell" may too tough for the egg to break through, even with sufficient LH

Dr.Never GiveUp noted that I did show a LH surge in my OPK, and from his years of experience, feels that the problem usually does not lie with LH production, but more towards the egg quality. He told me not to worry as he had many patients with this problem and that his chinese herbal medicine (TCM) will help in my case. He said that it is not possible to treat the pituitary gland so to speak, but he will continue to concentrate on improving egg quality.

My lining has thickened to 18mm which means that I should expect AF within the next few days.

THE GOOD:

"At least you're producing eggs!" His exact words. Whoopee???

The Itch Bitch is gone! Good riddance!

I am super horny again. And I am producing abundant clearish cervical mucous (CM), which is very strange to me during this part of the cycle. I know it couldn't possible be fertile CM since Ms.Monster is way past her fertile peak already. I asked Dr.Never GiveUp about the CM and he explained that a healthy woman typically produces 2 types of clear CM: estrogen mucous around ovulation, and progesterone mucous a few days before her period. Her sex drive will also peak around these times. Well, no wonder I'm so horny! He asked me if I my sex drive increased during these times. Since I am producing the progesterone mucous now, he would know that I was horny! I was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I told him it did, where previously I did not have this pre AF symptom. This means that my body is actually improving with all these subtle signs. Good to know that something is working!

Rotten Eggs and Itches

I haven't got anything to report but bad news.

First up, Ms.RJ1 has been nothing but a bad, stubborn egg. Four days after my last scan, my next scan on the following Monday showed that it had grown to about 17mm-Prime for ovulation! In the scan, Ms.RJ1 looked a little blurry, which indicated that it may just be ovulating or was about to. So it was sex, sex, sex after that.

On Tuesday, I decided to POAS and the OPK showed that it was almost positive, with the second line almost as dark as the control line. On Wednesday, I peed on another OPK, and the second line had gone lighter. Cool, I thought. It meant that I probably did ovulate on Monday, and my OPKs were showing that my LH surge had peaked and was already declining. So far so good.

Four days later on Friday, MsRJ1 was STILL there!

WTF! @£$*&%!!! She had swelled to about 25mm! And she had refused to leave the nest! My temperature had not risen either. After discussing it with Dr.NeverGiveUp, his conclusions were:

• My LH surge is still not strong enough to trigger the ovulation (bad news)
• I am at least producing eggs much earlier now (good news)
• If my follicle isn't released, it might turn into a cyst (bad news)
• I had only been on Royal Jelly 1 month (with a week's break in Borobudur) , which wasn't long enough to be significantly effective. He tells me that many of his patients fall pregnant on the 2nd month after starting Royal Jelly
• Ms.RJ1 was not a very good quality egg overall (bad news)

He said that since the follicle was still there, it might still ovulate, and we could still continue to try. Problem was, I had developed an effing yeast infection by then and there was no way we could try!

THIS WHOLE CYCLE IS A BUST!

So now I'm miserable about Ms.RJ1, and about that Itch Bitch! I'm attacking Itch Bitch with the Canesten 1-day pessary, and it's making me bleed a little again. I know this happens to other women, and this is the second time for me even with a 14 month-span in between attacks. This cannot be a coincidence! I am pissed that they still haven't inserted that as a side-effect on it's packaging.

I am going back this Friday for another scan. We will know what's happened to stubborn Ms.RJ1 by then. It feels really weird not being able to "try"this cycle. It feels even weirder not having the chance to mope and torture myself over the 2WW symptoms!

I think I'll go abuse my body with some caffeine and evil non-fertility friendly food now.... :-(
At least that might cheer me up a bit...

PS- Dr.NeverGiveUp had a breakthrough patient last week. A 45 year old patient had just conceived naturally under his TCM programme. She had been infertile for 12 years and had 2 failed IVFs prior to that. She's the oldest patient he ever had. I am 39 now. I still have hope!  I might look like my child's grandmother by the time I have him/her, but hey, who cares!!!

ROTFL

It's CD2 and I am in NO PAIN! 

What? Did these words just come out of a "Premium" Endo Sufferer? 

Yup! They did. Totally UNBELIEVABLE, but I'm doing a little jig and am having a great CD2! 

My celebration is probably a little bit premature though, seeing as I'm hardly bleeding! Does this even count as a period since my ute didn't even behave like a normal one this past month? After all, my eggs did do a Houdini on me! Oh my gawd! Am I in menopause?

But despite the fact that everything that can go wrong in a cycle did go wrong with me, I've been unusually happy (ok-this can't be menopause). This past few weeks, it feels like an invisible rock's been lifted off my shoulders, and I would take delight in the silliest little things:

Just the other night, I was looking at a few Tintin comic books that hubs just bought (he collects them) and decided that the dog Snowy was my favorite character. Who wouldn't find a talking, opinionated, smart-ass dog whom nobody can hear, adorable? Then I started telling hubs about a dog I had, as a child, that was named Snowy too. The conversation went like this,

"Did you know that I had a white dog named Snowy? ...And a brown dog named Browny? ...And a black dog named Blackie? ...And a cat named Kitty?....." 

...Followed by uncontrollable fits of deep, belly-shaking, lung-ripping, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe laughter! It had just dawned on me that my mother had the most uncreative names for our pets. And I just found that absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard! I mean, okay, it's funny, but on a normal day, I probably wouldn't find it that funny! 

(Just for the record, I also had a dog named Brandy and a dog named Whiskey! All mom's doing! Hubs family does a lot better in the naming department. When we were married, I inherited their black dog which hubs originally wanted to name Carbon! OMG! ROTFL!!! But he thought, wait, what a dumb-ass name for a dog, so they chose Diamond~another form of carbon. Now, that is cool! But then again, they did name their sausage dog (dachshund) Flappy-because its ears would flap when she came running! And just for the record, again, I too had a sausage dog named Jessie, and a second sausage dog named Jessie 2 and a third sausage dog named Jessie the Third! My mom's a creative genius with names!!! ) 

And just last week, hubs and I went to watch Predators because Inception was all sold out, and during one of the goriest scenes, I laughed out so loud because it seemed fascinatingly, ridiculously funny. It was odd because I suddenly realized nobody else was laughing!

Anyway, the point is, I've been laughing a lot! Could this be a hormonal thing, disastrous as mine is? 

Totally Thrown Off-Guard

Woke up today - still sleepy.


BBT is low - same old story.


Not ovulating - same old crap.


Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.


Evening TP wipe - blood.


Blood????


WTF???????


CD1 already?


Not even a chance to ovulate?


A  #@*&!$  non-ovulatory cycle.


My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.


Oh well...!


SNAFU!


Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!


(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

Sucky Scan

It's CD 32. My ultrasound scan today revealed no eggs.

WHAT? (See my avatar-My eyes popped out like that!)

Could I have ovulated?

NOPE.

My BBT hasn't risen.

And 4 days ago the eggs were still very, very tiny. Could they have grown in leaps and bounds and ovulated 
all within 4 days?

HIGHLY UNLIKELY. (In other words, FAT CHANCE!)

And I thought I might see a fat ripe follicle growing today too. Ppphhhhffft!

Dr.NeverGiveUp says they may have dissolved due to lack of hormonal stimulation. Or something like that.

He's changing my herbal formula to boost my hormones.

And what was that tiny cramping 2 days ago that resulted in some spotting hours later?

He tells me it could be ovulation pain.

HUH?

But I thought I couldn't have ovulated? Is he trying to be optimistic here?

And he tells me that the cyst last month has disappeared!

WHAT CYST?

He never told me that I had one.

Could some aliens have abducted all my eggs? And cyst too? That would be a convenient explanation. It would be nice to know for once that it wasn't my fault my eggs disappeared.

SO NOW I AM ALL CONFUSED.

And Dr.NeverGiveUp wants us to continue boinking like I might just have ovulated. I'm feeling so emotionally dejected now, but I've still got to get the sexy game going tonight. Doctor's orders!

Aaaarrrrgghhhhhh!

(Note to self: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happy Girl =Happy Hormones.
Think Zen.
Feel Zen.
Be Zen.
My name is not RagingLunaticUpsetMadGirl..
I am Zengirl...)

Mid-Cycle Meltdown

I have a severe case of Infertility Psychosis.

Yesterday, my heart dropped and a pang of jealousy shot through it when I learned that a critically endangered sumatran rhino, recently photographed in the wild, is believed to be pregnant. This is unbelievable! I am jealous over a pregnant rhinocerous!

Today wasn't any better. I had a mini meltdown over a negative OPK.

And a negative saliva ferning test.

And negative egg-white CM - As in it's so dry, my lady parts has tumbleweeds blowing by and desert dunes have crept in.

I am 25 days into my cycle and still have not ovulated. If my previous cycle and the present one are anything to go by, it means I am heading into longer cycles. My fertility is going from bad to worse. I am just so devastated by the way things are going inside my frickin' body.

Now I have two meltdowns during a cycle instead of one big one: Once when the red tsunami hits, and once in mid-cycle when my eggs are a no-show day after day. And so the tears flowed today. They flowed in the bedroom. They flowed in the kitchen, while I was preparing my frickin' fertility herbs. Then it flowed again in the bedroom. I cancelled my appointment to see TCM doc. I won't be able to face another session of empty promises from him.

And the irony is, my body has never felt better or stronger. I haven't had any issues with endo pain this month. My lower back/kidney yang pain is gone. My body feels warmer. My libido came back from the dead, albeit briefly. My egg-white CM did make a stellar appearance a few days ago, though it's vanished now. So why is my infertility getting worse?  Did my in-laws kill my fertility this cycle? Have I got a crap doctor? I am now a broken, mad, raging infertile looking for someone other than myself to blame!

But miraculous and fortunate things happen to infertile women every where. And we try to draw hope and strength from them. Hmph! The sad truth is that the world promises us good things but sometimes, all it does is just rain... and rain... and rain...

(This photo I made in Beijing, China, of a woman walking by a happy billboard in the rain pretty much sums it up)

Oh! I want a baby so badly! And just to think--somewhere in the world right now, some teenager, or a young wife, or a jilted lover or a super career woman is rejoicing and falling to the floor with relief, and thanking god and their lucky stars that their pregnancy test is superbly negative! 

Yes, someone in the world is shouting with a delirious smile on their face, "I AM NOT PREGNANT! YIPPEE!"

To Defect Or Not To Defect?

Its 11DPO and this 2 Week Wait is driving me absolutely CRAZY! I am glad I've got a lot of updating to do on my blog, though I've been spending time on the internet instead obsessing about 2WW symptoms - again! I just never learn do I, even after another year of futile obsessions during the 2WWs of 2009!

As I have hinted, much has changed in my TCM routine this year. For one, I have only seen my regular TCM doc once this year. I felt like we had come to the end of the road with him, especially when the last cycle under his care ended up in me having an anovulatory cycle. In lay terms -

No ovulation = No egg = No chance in hell of conceiving!

So when that happened, it's like,

What's going on here? I'm getting worse!

Because from what I know, and what my Fertility Friend and OPKs tell me, I usually do ovulate every cycle.

I know these things happen occasionally and who can ever be sure why, but it's just easier for me to blame him! Time is ticking... And granted that he did help me get pregnant for the first time in my life last year, there hadn't been anymore pregnancies under his care since my m/c in March '09. I was getting worried. And time is still ticking...

My husband and I had developed a great relationship with him over the year, but he hadn't given us what we wanted. I don't care how many couples he's helped got pregnant since. It's always frustrating to hear about so and so who got pregnant. Everyone he's helped seems to be getting pregnant except us. I had no idea why or what to do. If I hadn't been pregnant under his care I would have left a long time ago, but he did help me get pregnant once naturally, and that was the hold that he had on me. I looked very hard for signs that it was time to move on. After our last visit with him, I pretty much got all the signs I needed.

The First Sign - he hardly showed any concern for our inability to conceive last year. Infact, he suggested that we cool it off and wait for three months instead.


What? You want us to Wait?

I'm thinking, there had better be a damn good reason for this. Turns out, his reason was not based on ovaries or qi or meridiens or hormones, but based completely on his beliefs in the chinese horoscope! He really believed that a baby born in the Year of the Tiger (which starts on Feb 14, 2010) was a really bad match for us, especially for my husband, a "monkey". He said that it would be tough on my husband while the kid's growing up and very tough for our child later trying to grow up under a "monkey" parent. It would be a very difficult relationship. Wow! That really threw me off. I wasn't expecting that at all! We cried out in disbelief but all he kept saying was, "Trust me. Believe in what old people have to say."

Well, that got me really nervous. The chinese horoscope is fun, but I've never taken it seriously. Could our dreams of having a happy family be ruined by the timing of our child's birth? He wanted us to wait 3 months so that our child would be born after the Year of the Tiger. Telling an aging, desperate infertile to wait and do nothing for 3 months is like being banished to hell to suffer for eternity! I had to go and have a consult with Dr Google and see what he says. More on that later.

The Second Sign - I didn't feel like he was focused on our problems anymore. Sure he has dying patients with cancer and life threatening diseases, and babies with brain development problems that are in much dire need of his attention, but I want my TCM doc to treat us like we were his one-and-only most important patient in the world that he would drop everything for! And he was not giving that to us anymore. He was also spending less time in the clinic these days, being more focused on getting his other clinic opened within the next month. He's stretched thin, and his staff never knows when he would be in. I like it when he used to be there 24/7 (seriously - he even works on sundays and public holidays).

He gave us an excuse to disappear. So, (take a deep breath...)

We defected!

We had one last electro-acupuncture with him that session. (By the way, when he pricked that spot over my right ovary, the pain was so intense, my screaming startled him! Yup - either he wasn't careful or something was going on at that acupuncture point!) We got one week's worth of herbal medicine to boil at home and we have not seen him since.

Coming soon... Introducing our new acupuncture fertility specialist...

Dr Yeeeouch!

Rants and Romance

It's CD25. AF has not arrived but I have totally written off getting a Big Fat Positive this month because that elusive eggy of mine is just nowhere to be found! And I can confirm that all that sex, sex, sex, sex, sex simply DOES NOT trigger ovulation! Otherwise, I'd be breeding like rabbits by now! Well, nope - no sign of cute bunnies streaming out of my vah-jay-jay at all - Myth BUSTED!

Well, my OPKs have run out. Yes, I've been guiltily peeing on them even though my TCM doc told me to stop obsessing with them (cause it's stressing me out) but I couldn't just throw them away! I spent a fortune on them, so I was just gonna pee the hell out of them till they run out. That was the only way to stop my obsession! Now I am having withdrawal symptoms! I am SO fantasizing about running out to my dealer to get more supplies tomorrow! Somebody drag me to POAS-aholic Anonymous now!

At least I still have my thermometer....

I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'd be pregnant this cycle-Delayed ovulation may be an indication that the egg quality is poor. And even if ovulation & fertilization occurs, implantation on such an old lining doesn't usually end well. I can't deal with another miscarriage again. So if this is not to be, for my own sake, I can accept that. But I just want to know why I haven't ovulated? This question has been burning on my mind! I've been eating healthily, exercising a bit more, increased my acupuncture and moxa sessions, and been downing my herbal medicine obediently.

My heart's been a jumbled mess. My doc doesn't want my mood to effect my hormones, so he has ordered me to be happy, and stress free. It's not easy I tell ya! If only emotions reacted to commands like "BE Happy!"- women would've saved a tonne of money from retail therapy! Anyway, I was drifting happily along yesterday, free of pressure and burden about conceiving, but once in a while my doubts about my infertility would creep into my thoughts. And POW! I would burst into tears. And that happened at least four times yesterday. My heart's in a strange place, drifting between sadness and happiness.

Now there's no way of knowing when I will be expecting my period. If I can pinpoint my ovulation, I can pinpoint AF because my luteal phase is usually constant. This is something I could always count on so that I can plan my activities around the days when I will be knocked out from pain. If I had ovulated today, AF would be cutting close to Christmas but at least I know I would have a week to plan my Christmas celebrations. Now I have no clue. And I need to be sober and functional as it's my turn to host Christmas this year for my family! I really don't want to spend my christmas in pain...

I wish I could fly away from all this misery. I can't. So I did the next best thing. My husband and I have planned to go away for a short vacation to a beach destination for a few days. I just booked the hotel and we are leaving on Monday. Rain is expected but I don't care. I know it's just a distraction, but I hope I will be able to find some peace in my heart and rekindle some much needed romance with my dear hubs after all that mechanical baby-making duties...

However, all is not doom and gloom in my life. I want to share two things that highlighted my day:

First one:
I was just awarded the Kreative Award by Sonja. Thank you so much for the honor Sonja! You're so sweet for thinking about me! I am so behind on passing this award and the Over the Top Blog Award that I have received, but I haven't got much love to pass around right now in my barren heart. I feel so bad. But I promise - It's only temporary!

Second highlight:
My cat did just the cutest thing! A few hours ago I heard Zoey calling out with that strange Siberian chirping meow of his, "Rrrrouuw, Rrrrouuw, RRROUWW!"I went to see what the commotion was about. Remember Mr Tiger? Zoey had found Mr Tiger on my bedside table and carried it all the way down the stairs. He was so proud to have brought me a gift! I don't know how he managed to lug it down in his mouth cos Mr Tiger is almost as big as him!  What a cutie! Mr Tiger is my mascot for hope. Do you think it's a good omen? Is god working in mysterious ways through my cat? LOL!

Can't Find My Eggs!

It's CD21 and my eggs are still missing in action! I think they've gone on STRIKE! There's usually a small storm brewing inside my ute leading up to ovulation but it's been eerily calm in there. There are no twangs, no twinges, no twitches, no pain, no fluttering! No nothing whatsoever! So I know it's not just the OPKs being their usual evil selves.

I'm really sick of the OPK's negative attitude and all, but my BBT and Fertility Friend (some friend!) seem to be in agreement with the OPKs too! It sounds like one hell of a conspiracy going on! But what can I do?

So, since my mountain of negative OPK collection over the last few days has almost reached the height of Mt Everest, I've stopped hoping obsessively for a pregnancy and have let go of that dream for this cycle. I've decided that I am not going to be all sobby and devastated if things are not going well from this point on. (Har! Har! We shall see about that when AF comes! I'm a habitual liar!) I've been putting myself under such insane pressure for nothing! Just a few days ago, this desperate-knocked-up-wannabe bawled her eyes out when hubs did not want to have sex with her because it was already very late and he had an early golf session the next morning! This desperate-knocked-up-wannabe has never cried over sex rejections, but it's like - ovulation might happen any minute now and "What? You wanna give up having a baby over golf? Golf is more important than a baby? I've been working so hard trying to make my body ready for conception and all you care about is golf?" Of course DH felt bad and apologized after that with some loving sexercise. But I didn't even ovulate the next day, or even the day after that! All that drama for nothing! So no more obsessing and worrying!

Of course I am sad and annoyed as hell over my MIA eggs! But letting go has been quite freeing! I'm like, "Whatever!" If I ovulate, I'll give myself a pat on the back, and if I don't, well then, "Whatever!"

I've broken my wheat-free, dairy-free, caffeine-free, organic diet practically every day since Thanksgiving's scrumptious and sinfully delicious spread! Today, I even had three sips of some super-strong and super-sweet Indian style chai/tea with milk -- something my TCM doc had absolutely banned me from having because it is super cooling! It's like giving chocolate to a dog - soooooo yummy but soooooo toxic for me! And the cha-cha's decided to have a break tonight too from all that work, work, work! (The cha-cha never got the memo that Baby Dancing was fun!)

So what's next? My eggs might still decide to turn up. You know, well, Whatever! I definitely know what I'm NOT gonna be doing--

I'm not gonna be holding my breath!

"O" Woes

I've been sitting around drumming my fingers, waiting for ovulation to happen, but it hasn't happened yet. I should have O'd a day or two ago, but my ovaries are probably either daydreaming or have decided to follow another planetary time zone! So POAS madness has kicked in. I am now waiting for the next pee-on-a-stick session that requires a 4-hour minimum wait. Hmm... Another hour to go... Fingers drumming...drumming...drumming...

It's just so weird that I don't know what my own body is up to! Hello me? What's going on dear me? What am I up to in there? My body must be one of the greatest mysteries in this milky way!

So this is how the ovulation drama is unfolding: On Thursday/Thanksgiving, my OPK was half positive. That meant that my LH was on it's way up. Well, damn I thought-you're actually on time! I was impressed! Friday came around and my BBT had plunged from 97.8˚F to 97.3˚F. A dip in temperature normally indicates ovulation. Hot dang! Ovulation! Woohoo! But my OPK was NEGATIVE! No sign of any luteinizing hormone anywhere. Zip! Nil! ZERO! WTF??? So no "O"!

I went to see my TCM doc later in the day and told him that I should be ovulating soon so I might not need moxa, because he did tell me that I cannot have moxa when I am ovulating or have ovulated because the egg does not like it when it's too hot. So he proceeded to read my pulse and tells me,

"You're not hot enough!"

To ovulate I presume. Goddamn! How does he know these things? I certainly never told him about my dipping temperatures! I never ever tell him about my obsessive POAS and temping anymore because when I used to do it, he told me to throw them all away because I was stressing out unnecessarily! Err... Of course I was a bad patient and kept going at it. So I have to sneak around my doc's back and do it secretly! But it's really good to have this data to cross check with what he reads from my pulse. He hasn't been proven wrong so far! So he asked me to do a little bit more moxa--12 minutes instead of my usual 20!

So Saturday comes around and my BBT plunges even more from 97.3˚F to 97.1˚F! And the OPK is still NEGATIVE! No sign of any luteinizing hormone anywhere! Or ovulation! Again, Zip! Nil! ZERO! WTF???

With the warmer weather and a total of 10 moxa sessions this cycle, I thought my eggs would have thawed out really well by now. But they're stuck frozen somewhere in la-la land...

-

- break -

-

-

OK- I just peed on another stick. My egg is still MIA! It's already CD20!  Here eggy-eggy-eggy..... Where the *@#$%! are you???