My Latest Super Fertility Treatment

Well, it's a good thing that my hormones are on the road to recovery cos my eggs are still damn messed up. They're still doing the houdini act on me. Two days ago, there were 2 follies - one at 12mm, the second at 13mm. Today, they have disappeared!


WTF?

Dr.NeverGiveUp said that they had dissolved?!??? So the next dominant follicle I have growing now is at 8mm. And it's already CD23. Sigh! It's going to be a looooooooooooooooong road to ovulation, if at all.

Since my eggs are still underperforming, Dr.NeverGiveUp said,

"I think it's time to share with you this new treatment that I have."

My heart skipped a beat! WOW! If you remember, I was super excited when I first heard about it this new mysterious treatment. Finally this miracle cure (at least in my head it is) will be revealed to me! So he goes on and tells me that it's.......................................
.............................................................................. Royal Jelly.

Reaction No.1 :
Royal Jelly? OMG! That's what I have always wanted to try!

Reaction No.2 :
What? That's it? But every woman who's been desperately TTC already know about this!!!


Of course I didn't say all that to him, but that was what I was thinking loudly in my head. On the outside, I was cool as a cucumber and patiently listened to him explain why.

Apparently scientists to date still do not know what exactly it is inside royal jelly that is so good for us. There's all sorts of nutritious stuff inside and is used for all sorts of ailments. Royal jelly is actually a substance secreted by the glands of worker bees, and fed in tremendous amounts to baby bees (larvae) to transform them into super egg-laying machines @ the Queen Bee. This stuff is so amazing that it makes it possible for the queen bee to lay eggs up to a total of 4 times her own weight - per day! WIth this stuff, she also outlives normal bees by almost 7 years.

In Dr.NeverGiveUp's clinical trials, it has proven to be very effective as his patients have produced amazingly beautiful eggs. He says that the effects may start to show up 6-7 weeks into taking royal jelly, though I can experience it's benefits as early as 2-3 weeks into it.

For the purpose of increasing fertility, the normal dosage recommended for health maintenance is not sufficient, so I am to take 1 teaspoon twice a day. What I am taking is frozen fresh royal jelly, the pure stuff which he has sourced directly from the bee farmer. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that there are heaps of royal jelly products available on the market but what he's sourced has proven to be good in quality and effective. This small little bottle costs me $100 and will last me about a week.

As for the taste, I thought it would just be like honey. WRONG! It is possibly the grossest thing I have ever tasted in my life. Worse than all the black, muddy chinese herbal potions I have had to take. First of all, the appearance is so off-putting: it looks like snot! And the taste is so horrendous I can't even describe it. It leaves an awful lingering aftertaste, even after downing it with ice-cream and water. I call this my Bee Spit. So now I'm taking this on top of all my usual TCM pill regime.

Anyway, let's just see what happens. In 2-7 weeks, hubs reckon I may just grow into a big, fat organism as big as a room, immobile and loaded with eggs. Har. Har.

Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

Sucky Scan

It's CD 32. My ultrasound scan today revealed no eggs.

WHAT? (See my avatar-My eyes popped out like that!)

Could I have ovulated?

NOPE.

My BBT hasn't risen.

And 4 days ago the eggs were still very, very tiny. Could they have grown in leaps and bounds and ovulated 
all within 4 days?

HIGHLY UNLIKELY. (In other words, FAT CHANCE!)

And I thought I might see a fat ripe follicle growing today too. Ppphhhhffft!

Dr.NeverGiveUp says they may have dissolved due to lack of hormonal stimulation. Or something like that.

He's changing my herbal formula to boost my hormones.

And what was that tiny cramping 2 days ago that resulted in some spotting hours later?

He tells me it could be ovulation pain.

HUH?

But I thought I couldn't have ovulated? Is he trying to be optimistic here?

And he tells me that the cyst last month has disappeared!

WHAT CYST?

He never told me that I had one.

Could some aliens have abducted all my eggs? And cyst too? That would be a convenient explanation. It would be nice to know for once that it wasn't my fault my eggs disappeared.

SO NOW I AM ALL CONFUSED.

And Dr.NeverGiveUp wants us to continue boinking like I might just have ovulated. I'm feeling so emotionally dejected now, but I've still got to get the sexy game going tonight. Doctor's orders!

Aaaarrrrgghhhhhh!

(Note to self: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happy Girl =Happy Hormones.
Think Zen.
Feel Zen.
Be Zen.
My name is not RagingLunaticUpsetMadGirl..
I am Zengirl...)

Mini IVF

Have you heard of the Mini-IVF?

I've never heard of it myself until I stumbled upon it recently while doing what desperate-infertile-women-seeking-fertility-miracles do on the internet.

If you've had to defer IVF because of money problems or you don't like drugs and injections much, you might wanna check out this procedure that was developed a few years ago in Japan. From what I understand, it does have quite a few advantages over regular IVF:

• costs a lot less because less drugs are used
• drugs are taken orally with no or minimal injections
• no risk of ovarian hyperstimulation
• older women or women with high FSH can be accepted for treatment
• there is no waiting time between cycles if Mini-IVF fails because the body does not require a rest period due to fewer drugs and lower dosages used
• fewer cancelled IVFs due to insufficient production of eggs because the Mini-IVF does not depend on high number of eggs

What I find interesting is that the goal of Mini-IVF is to produce fewer but "better quality" eggs. With regular IVF, the goal is to make the woman produce tons of eggs in hoping that a few out of the lot is usable. But here's the important bit that women need to know: 

• women (particularly those above age 35) do not produce more than 2 good eggs in any cycle no matter what drugs were used or how much
• generally, the best egg from any cycle comes from the largest follicle, regardless of what drugs were used or how much

From this, I deduce that pumping a woman with a ton of bank-breaking drugs and forcing loads of eggs out of one cycle is really quite pointless - especially if you're running out of eggs - because only a couple of those are your best candidates for pregnancy anyway. Doctors against Mini-IVF argue that because only one egg is used, then all your $$$ is gone if pregnancy fails to happen, whereas with IVF - though the initial outlay of money is so much higher - at least you have more eggs to work with and you can still use the eggs leftover from that stim cycle later on. The point for consideration is: are any of those leftover eggs any good? If not, IVF actually wipes out more of your money if it all fails.  

The reported success rate for Mini-IVF however is not as good as IVF though. But it seems that this is because of the parameters used - Mini-IVF only transfers one fertilized embryo at a time while IVF transfers multiple embryos at a time, which skew the results a bit. This procedure is also relatively new and there is insufficient data at the moment.

Basically, the main consideration for Mini-IVF is the cost saving for women. The toughest question women will have to answer for themselves is what the odds of success are vs money spent on each of the procedures. And how many attempts they can afford before successive failed Mini-IVFs negate their cost savings. 

Before you jump up and down with excitement, know that very few clinics are willing to provide this procedure. And some clinics may already being using a similar Mini-IVF protocol but don't call it that.

For more info on this topic, you can read about it here (scroll halfway), here and here. For professional opinions on this procedure look here.

Although I am not a good candidate for IVF and am focusing on TCM right now instead to help me get pregnant, I always like to know what my options are. Mini-IVF is not for me, at least not right now, but I hope some of you might find this info useful. I know quite a few women who had to give up IVF because they can't afford it. And it breaks my heart that money might be the only thing coming between them and their dream baby.  So maybe there is an option here for them. 

----

Before I go, I want to share with you a funny dream I had recently.

I dreamt that I was pursued by 3 men for the purpose of reproduction:

1) The first guy decided to go for a swim in the ocean and unfortunately, dived off a rock all wrong, and landed splat!... Flat in the water and destroyed any reproductive potential he had in his man parts! So moving on to candidate two...

2) I found out that it was Richard Gere who had the hots for me and was sitting at a cafe waiting for me. I happened to be walking around completely naked which strangely, nobody seemed to be making a fuss of. But then before anything happened, candidate no.3 interrupted the scene...

3) He came out of nowhere and grabbed my completely naked body from behind with his hands. While he tried to drag me off and subdue a frantic me, I was wondering why he wasn't even having an erection from my nakedness. (Yes, it's a good time to be having such thoughts while being kidnapped!) I mean, we were body to body and my butt was right up his crotch while he was holding me! I managed to free myself and ran for my life. He came after me. I lost him after a while and I ended up in a hotel room. I locked the door and waited, thinking I had lost him. But then after a few moments, he found me. I saw his shadow lurking underneath, outside my door. I panicked! He was going to barge down my door! Moments passed, yet nothing happened. Suddenly, a piece of paper was slipped under my door. And he left. I picked up the paper. On it, he said that he would like to make a baby with me. And if I agreed, he would pay me

$201,000,000,000!

Yeah right! If only I could!!!!  

Sales and Sex

Hi there!

Zengirl's back. Anyone miss me? Haha! I don't think so. 

I cannot believe that it's almost 2 weeks since my last post. Time flies when you've been shopping! 

You heard right folks! I've been on retail therapy. We went to Singapore for some R&R which turned out to be a serious shopping marathon. Has anyone told you that the country is just one huge giant shopping mall? Everything you need from ATMs to restaurants to nail salons are all reachable by foot in a giant network of malls and interconnecting walkways.  It seems that every subway train you take exits into a mall. And each mall is connected to another mall via some underground air-conditioned walkway. You can literally spend all of your time inside buildings during your entire stay there, not breathe the outside air, or see the sky. You would never know if there was a hurricane outside or if there was an alien invasion. You never have to step outdoors! Ever! 

One day, you might surface outside, a little dazed, exhausted, with lots of shopping bags in your hands and random thoughts like "Wow! I finally got out!" and "Ahhh! So this is real air...." and "So, this is what the outside looks like!" swim around your head while you try and re-orientate yourself. And because it's the "Great Singapore Sale", an actual event that hits the island country like it's a religious event, you're wondering if you could possibly be missing out on more shops with orgasmic sales. And with that thought, you're ready to go back into the labyrinth of malls with your last extended credit on your plastic.  

And I did. And I shopped till I dropped! Some of the sales were indeed fantastic! I got a few dresses and skirts for 75% off and 2 pairs of jeans for 50% off. I even bought some hiking shoes! Right! Like I'm going hiking anytime soon!!!

And when I got home, somehow the shopping fever stuck. The summer sales have just begun here and I picked up some more stuff! My favorite purchase over the weekend was a green handbag which I spotted last minute on the way to the cashier when the store was closing! And it's not over! Just a few hours ago, I bought a huge black leather hobo bag online that I can carry my entire life in! I swear--I am not high maintenance! Not usually! 

I haven't splurged on myself like this for yonks! And it feels damn good! I have been theraparized!

On the IF front, things haven't been very exiting. In fact it has been darn slow and dull. 

It's CD28 and I still haven't ovulated. It's going to be one of them long drawn-out cycles. Today, Dr.Don'tWorry could only see 4 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right. They're all very small still but one is emerging to be a dominant one on the left. My doctors don't seem to want to acknowledge that I have long cycles because they've been ordering us to boink like we were ovulating everyday, since CD11, whether there are eggs or not! I haven't had so much sex in months! And it's not like we can get out of it because we are expected to report back to them whether we followed their boinking schedule or not (which they chart in their records)! I suppose we could miss out on some scheduled nights, but I didn't want them to think that we're not doing all we can to get pregnant! Since we're supposed to be so desperate! And we left the clinic today with more "homework"-Last night we had sex, and we're to do it again tonight and Thursday.

And that's how it is with this TCM clinic. I eat their herbal pills, take my BBT and have sex:

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex.

Eat pills. Take BBT. Have sex  x 10,000,000,000,000,000!

And Dr.NeverGiveUp has been trying to convince me that this method works. During my last visit, he made it a point to tell me that the patient who went in just before me was already pregnant-Aged 39 like me, after 2 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. (No wonder she was all smiles and had a spring to her walk when she came out). And he also said another patient also just found out she was pregnant after 8 months at the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 5 years. Thanks doc. Just rub it in!

And today, he did the same thing. As soon as I sat down, he broke out the "good" news that a patient got pregnant after 4 months in the clinic and previously TTC unsuccessfully for 3 years. Frustrated, I said to him, "Perhaps it was easier for her because she doesn't have the kinds of problems I have." I half expected him to agree with me but he did not. He replied that when it comes to infertility, it is very hard to say... How big our problems are do not always correlate with the length of time it takes to get pregnant. Some women with very simple problems could take a very long time to get pregnant, yet those with complex problems sometimes get pregnant within a matter of a few months!

Well, I am relieved to hear that. We infertiles wrack our brains and tear our hair out month after month wondering why we're not getting pregnant, even after doing everything right. But the truth is, even doctors don't really know everything. So, never let any doctor give you an ultimatum or stop you from thinking that you can get pregnant. They are not in the position to do so because simply - they just don't know every darn thing and intricate process that's going on inside your body! There may be obstacles, but doctors do not have absolute control of the fate of your fertility. Even though things may look bleak or tough, the miracle of pregnancy can still happen. Don't let anybody tell you or decide for you that you can't . 

Girls, Never, Never Give Up!

My Worst Buy-EVER!

Have you ever bought anything on sale, like a top or skirt, taken it home, and then cursed yourself insane for spending your money on the most horrendous thing you had ever laid your eyes on?

Well, I did that recently - not on clothes, but on a "fluff" novel that had a 20% discount. Having had a taste of romantic novels recently and liked it, I decided to venture out into Danielle Steel land. She's possibly the most successful romantic novelist of our time. Steel has written like a zillion best sellers and I didn't know where to start. So this book that was displayed at the front of the book store caught my eye-especially its bright 20% discount sticker!

"Beneath the charm, there lurked the dangers of possessive love..." it said. Hmmm, sounds interesting. To sum it up, it's about a woman who falls irresistably in love with a magnetic, charming man and is whisked away to his palatial Irish estate. But then lies, jealousy and secrets begin to surface. Is she paranoid, or is the man she loves hiding something worse?... And with that brief tantalizer, I was sold.

I took it home, and then I stumbled upon a one-paragraph page at the beginning of the book. Steel wrote in her own ominous words, the definition of a sociopath.

Oh! Crap! What have I bought? That doesn't sound like a fluffy love story! It's a forewarning- it's going to be a scary story about a psycho who destroys a woman! I was going to save this for my 2WW but this was way too scary and intense for a time when I'm supposed to be relaxed and happy for my hormones to be in good shape! So I started reading it, to have it out of the way by my next 2WW.

WTF????----

(Warning: Spoiler...)

After a month-long whirlwind romance, the man decides that he wants to make a baby with her. She was 44 years old and she wasn't ready to start a family at her age with a man she hardly knew. He tricks her into visiting a fertility clinic where she winds up doing a full-on fertility work-up. That very visit, they discover that, at age 44 I stress, her eggs were wonderful and that she was ovulating. His SA revealed that he had superb sperm count, at age 46. The doctor immediately recommends artificial insemination there right away (IUI I'm guessing, surely not IVF!) but she declines. They leave the clinic and they find out later that her "FSH levels is as low as a twenty-year-old's and her estrogen level is terrific!"  

WTF??? I was so upset at this point. A 44 year-old has great eggs and terrific FSH and estrogen? And the guy's perfect too fertility-wise? Aw, c'mon!

Then, that night, they get drunk on champagne, have wild, passionate sex and forget about using contraception. And you can guess what happens next- Let's say it together now:

SHE GETS PREGNANT!

WTF? WTF? WTF???

She POAS and sees a very faint second line. She looks at it at every angle and keeps seeing two lines! The words "Two Lines" appear 4 bloody times on that page. OK! We get it already!

They set up house and she actively takes part in the restoration of the property, which the man objected to because she was pregnant. She miscarries at 3 months and he blames her-"You killed our baby!....You fucked it all up!... It was a shitty thing to do, to the baby, and to me. You killed a healthy baby..."

WT Bloody F???

And now the miscarriage is her fault, and a murder?

Come ON! I know it's fiction but, really? I got so damned annoyed and angry I stopped reading at that point! I mean, we infertiles all know how ridiculous this whole super-fertile-at-40-something-and-getting-knocked-up-at-first-try saga is!

And I can't believe my luck! Can you imagine-

Out of all the guzillions of books in the store, I had to pick a book out like this one. That had to be about fertility, pregnancy and miscarriage. The very topics that I'd wanted to get away from for just a few of hours of my life. And I paid for this torture too!

This is a book that every infertile she never, ever, EVER have on her list! So be warned, if you're having problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant-Stay away from Danielle Steel's "Matters of The Heart".

Even if they were giving it away for free!

WTF Period On 11DPO

I'm so sad.

I knew this cycle was a bust for me. I just knew I wouldn't get pregnant given the condition I'm in. And I was so sure that I wouldn't feel upset because I was already expecting a BFN.

But what do you do when AF arrives 4 days early? Today would have been 11DPO, but I've started bleeding already. This means that I had an incredibly short luteal phase at only 10 days. Which is just Plain. Bad. News.

And I am just wondering whether the love-making we had last night brought on the period. In fact, I told hubs that it may cause it to come early, though deep down I felt it was quite unlikely given that my period was still quite a few days away. So I was really shocked to wake up and find spotting on my underwear. And bright red on the TP wipe. And it's been building up. My BBT has plunged too. I'm pretty sure this is it (AF).

It's happened to me before but usually just the day or 2 before my expected AF. But never this early. Has anyone had their periods induced by sex before? If it has happened to you before, can you please let me know because I feel like such a freak right now?

If this is a normal occurrence, then, is this why they tell you not to have sex during your 2WW if you're trying to conceive? I've heard about not exercising or having sex during the 2WW and I used to stick to it religiously, but I was beginning to think that it was all bullshit when I never got pregnant anyway. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me not to exercise in the last 3 days before AF but he never mentioned anything about sex.

So now I'm upset and confused.

I already have a long list of infertility challenges - endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, irregular ovulation and bad eggs. And I really don't want to add "luteal phase defect" to it.

I've been holding up quite well the whole day, but I think I'm beginning to crack.

I'm such a walking disaster.  Sniff!

Problems Getting Pregnant? Try This...

You've tried making a baby au natural.

But it hasn't worked. So,

You try Pre-seed.

You try taking fertility supplements.

You try charting and timed sex.

You try elevating your hips for 2 hours after sex.

You try having an orgasm after elevating your hips to suck sperm in.

You try Clomid.

You try Fertility Yoga and seeing a psychic.

You try positive thinking.

You try flushing your tubes clear.

You try IUI and IVF.

You try acupuncture and TCM.

You try taking chinese herbs.

You try detoxing.

You try clearing your energy channels and chi gung exercises.

You try the TCM diet.

You try timing your cycle with the lunar cycle.

You try meditating.

You try praying.

You try keeping a lucky charm on you while you have sex.

You try sleeping with the moonbeam shining on you. 

And it STILL HASN'T WORKED! 

What else can you possibly try?


Well, look no further! 


Introducing....

Yes! That's right! Let's all hypnotize ourselves into getting pregnant!

(We found this ad in our newspaper. No kidding!)

Meds Medley

I think this has been the most relaxing cycle I've had in a long time.

I have not peed on a single stick this cycle. (Gasp!) And I don't intend to. (What?)
Ever since Dr.NeverGiveUp included a u/s scan as routine procedure to monitor the growth of my follicles, I've never had to bother with OPKs anymore. No more squinting my eyes blind over a second OPK line that may or may not be there. The u/s scan takes all the guessing out of what my eggies are doing and even though they might not behave the way I want them to, just knowing where they're at seems to take a lot of stress off.   

It's CD26 and still have not ovulated. And I am not freaking out! (What happened to Zengirl? She's actually acting... ZEN! Gasp-again!)
We decided to take a break this month from TTC. I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if it would be a good idea to give my body a chance to improve and strengthen before TTC. I know I have a hormone imbalance and it wouldn't be the best way to start a pregnancy. Having miscarried once before, I don't want to ever experience that ever again if I can help it. He agreed that it would be a good idea but he said that one month was sufficient to wait. So we're sitting this cycle out and will see how I am responding to his treatment.

And I haven't had to endure any pricks from acupuncture at all since I've been under Dr.NeverGiveUp's care.
He feels that acupuncture is not very effective in most IF cases, and that chinese medicine was better at addressing IF problems. I don't agree with his views about acupuncture  because from all the literature I've read about IF, it's suppose to help. And I think I need all the help I can get!!! He said he wanted to monitor a complete cycle first before he decides if I need acupuncture. So my part-time stint as a human pin-cushion has temporarily been suspended!

Having no bi-weekly acupuncture appointments to go to, or herbs to boil daily, or OPKS to obsess over, has really freed up my time and my mind. I have not felt this relaxed or carferee in the longest time. And it feels great!

The downside is that I seem to be constantly swallowing pills all day like a prescription drug junkie! Here's a photo of my daily pill ration:

Dr.NeverGiveUp has me on four types of chinese herbal medication, which he says also contain folic acid. The rest of the pills are supplements that I'm taking based on recommendations given in "The Infertility Cure" book. Mmmm... Yummy Yum!

Any of you gals chowing down fertility supplements and medication like they were going out of fashion too?

Hope

I've had the worst diagnosis I've heard in years about my infertility at my new clinic. And the news keeps getting worse. 

I have an enlarged and deformed uterus. WTF? During my last ultrasound scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp and his wife, Dr.DontWorry were poring over my u/s image and speaking busily amongst themselves. They were paying close attention to it and making notes in a way that I've never seen them do. I couldn't understand them as they were speaking in chinese but I knew from their body language that they were really concerned. After wiping myself down, I sat down and probed them about what they saw. 


Here's the bad news:

They said that my uterus is large and inflated like a round ball. A normal uterus is about 7.5 x 5 x 2.5 cm (length x width x thickness) . Mine is 9 x 8.5 x 7.5 cm! The endo and adeno has grown so extensively that my ute has swelled up like a ball. Is that why I look perpetually pregnant? Oh the irony! It is so distorted that the cervix has shifted to the left. The fibroid-looking mass is at the base growing from the back wall and extends into the cavity of the uterus, possibly exerting pressure on my rectum too. That probably explains my "ass-throb" days! He thinks it might not be a fibroid but more like an adenomyoma with tissue and blood inside, but he said I could call it a fbroid (?). I'm guessing he can't make a conclusive report from an ultrasound because the only definitive diagnosis for adeno is a microscopic biopsy after hysterectomy, which, hell yeah I'm gonna have!  He says surgery is not an option for me as that meant cutting into the uterus extensively. I don't think much of my uterus would be left behind after that. A patient of his, by some strange coincidence, has a uterus almost identical to mine, with the same size, shape, distortion, fibroid mass in the same location, and shifted cervix. Her doctor told her she could never have children...

According to Dr.NeverGiveUp, a uterus as bad as mine would have been in the making for many, many years. I am upset that within the last 2 years, two different gynaecologists who scanned me before and after my miscarriage failed to tell me that my uterus was abnormal. They only mentioned that it was retroverted and it was clear of cysts. Dr.NeverGiveUp explained that it was common for doctors not to say anything if the condition can't be helped or if it isn't life threatening. So what are your doctors NOT telling you? At least now I know that TCM doc's treatments over the past year did not do this to me. Considering the extent of my problem, any lack of progress from his treatments is totally understandable!

But here's the good news:

The patient with the identical abnormal ute is now pregnant (WOW!), 6 months after Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatments. I have hope! She is at 14 weeks and they are monitoring her closely. Dr.NeverGiveUp so kindly showed me her ultrasound and I could see her little baby in a sac sitting above and away from the fibroid. I am so rooting for her! He has said to me before that our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt. That there are many, many places and spots in the womb where an egg will find to implant itself. If it implants on a good spot, then it could survive. So even with his treatments, "It's all a game of chance right?" I asked. "Yes" he replied with a matter of fact. "And up to God". Hmmm, haven't I heard that somewhere before? Well, I do appreciate his honesty. There are risks and complications for these types of pregnancies but he believes that if the egg and sperm quality are good to begin with, the embryo has a good fighting chance for survival. And he firmly believes that my inability to conceive is largely because of my hormone imbalance-not the endo or the fibroid/adeno.

Thinking back, it is such a miracle that I managed to get pregnant last year with this busted uterus! And plausible that I couldn't sustain it because my hormonal levels were not right or that the egg/sperm quality were not good to begin with. Hmmm... All of Dr.NeverGiveUp's theories might just be right! But he says that I have a tough road ahead  (don't you just love his honesty?) and that I should expect to be treated for a year. He says there's no way to predict how long it would take for me to conceive. A woman with worse adeno than me conceived after 9 months. Some who couldn't conceive for 6 years conceived within 2 months after his treatments. The longest patient he had was treated for 2 years before she conceived at age 42. The bottom line is, I should not give up. He said that nobody should tell me that I can never have a baby. I love this guy! 

I was devastated when I learned how bad my condition was. I cried my heart out at the impossibility of having a baby with the challenges we have. But I've picked myself off the floor now and wiped away my tears.


I have hope.

And I have Dr.NeverGiveUp's help.


It might take me at least 9 months or more than a year to conceive. But I am going to make everyday count. Now I have time to work off the weight I always wanted to lose before a pregnancy. I have time to work up my fitness level so that I can be a fit mom. I have time to eat right and get healthy so that I will have a healthy pregnancy.
  
Yes, I'm going to make everyday that I am waiting count. 

"Bloody" Bad News

My hormonal bloodwork came back. It's bad news as I had expected.

My hormone levels are crap.

And one thing that freaked me out was when my results for CA-125 (Cancer Antigen 125) indicated cancer in the ovaries! Fuck right? Then I found out that it wasn't a reliable way to screen for cancer and that elevated levels are also present in women who have endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disorders, fibroids or women who are menstruating or are pregnant. Stress kills fertility. Yup! Mine just about died there and then when I saw my CA-125 results! 

Anyway, for those of you who love, love, love numbers, here are some of my bloodwork stats based on mid-luteal phase parameters:

- My progesterone level is low @ 8.13 (should be 7.96-23.37)

- My estradiol is ok according to the doctor even though it looks high to me @245 (should be 90-220) 

- My testosterone levels are a bit high @ 0.86 (should be 0.14-0.76)

- My FSH is at 2.7

- My CA-125 is @63.8 (should be <35)

I have a tonne of questions about my blood test for my doctor because I wasn't quite lucid when I got the results. My brain had shut down due to the period cramps I was having then. As I had expected, all my icy cold coke indulgence the weeks before came back to haunt me. (Docs told me to avoid icy drinks for my condition) Well, it was really fun while it lasted.  So, it was CD1 and my cramps were increasing in intensity as I waited for my turn in the clinic. My torture was exacerbated by the 1.5 L (about 50 fl oz or 6.5 cups) of water I had to drink and hold in my very full bladder, required for the ultrasound scan. Oh yeah-more bad news: my fibroid looks to be about 4.8cm (almost 2") now as opposed to 3cm last week. The doctor also said my tests indicate poor egg quality.

Sigh! When will this bad-news-avalanche ever come to a stop? 

So what are the chances of a couple with
-endometriosis
-adenomyosis
-fibroids
-imbalanced hormones
-infrequent ovulation
-poor quality eggs
-low sperm count
-low sperm morphology
-low sperm motility
-mature age factor


have for getting pregnant? That's a freakin' long list of problems!

Our chances sound pretty damn awful don't it?

According to what I've read, here are more stats for those who, again, love, love, love numbers:

- fibroids that distort the shape of the uterus decrease fertility by 70%

- endometriosis decreases fertility by up to 36% 

- by age 40, fertility rates drop by 95%

I don't even have stats on the impact of adenomyosis, or hormonal imbalance or sperm issues on fertility (I'm assuming it's not 0%) but let's tally up the numbers I already have:

100% fertility-70%-36%-95% = -101%

I'm no math genius, but that is a MINUS fertility rate. MINUS 101%! My chances are freakin' awful. I am sure there is at least one doctor out there who will tell me that I have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant...  Thankfully, my new fertility doctors have not said that to me (I have 2-it's a husband and wife team). They told me not to give up hope, but it was going to be tough for me. 

It's going to be really tough.

---------

On a side note: It's CD4 today. I went to the gym today. This is unheard of as I am usually still in agony locked in my room from endo/period pain on Day 4. I did have cramps on CD1 and 2, but the intensity and duration is half of what it normally is. I have not stained my panties or bed with overflow (not once!) this time which means my flow is normal and manageable now. The clinic did give me some herbal medicine for my cramps. It's the first time any herbal formula has worked for my pain, which to me is remarkable! When I took them, my pain was greatly reduced to just an annoying ache within 2 hours. Amazing-this is all plant stuff! The doctor was not kidding when she said the pills were "really, really good for cramps". If this is any indication of how good these TCM docs and their herbal medicine are, then, a spark of hope has finally been rekindled in my heart...

Broken

This week is Infertility Awareness Week (USA).

And what an apt time it is for me to find out that I am even more infertile than I thought I was.

Yes, I have heartbreaking news about my latest diagnosis. An ultrasound at my new fertility clinic revealed that I not only have endometriosis (endometrial growth outside the uterus that causes adhesions, inflamation and scarring) which I already knew I had. But now I also have adenomyosis (endometriosis that occurs inside the uterus) and a 3cm fibroid in my uterus.

In simple English, my uterus is really fucked up! It is full of abnormal growths which are distorting its shape and decreases my fertility by 70%. My uterus is retroverted. The growths also make it difficult for an embryo to find a suitable spot to implant. The fibroid could also be blocking the passage of DH's sperm to my egg. This may not be the end of my bad news, as I am still waiting for my hormonal bloodwork to come back.

I am devastated. I've been depressed the whole week. My eyes are the size of tennis balls from all that crying. We have such an uphill struggle.


My body is broken.



My heart, is broken.

Divine Intervention or Dr.Google?

Do you think god sometimes answers your prayers...just a little?

Well, he didn't answer my prayers about ovulating--maybe because I didn't specifically say to him,

"God, please, please, please make my ovary lay me an egg..."

But he might have responded to my other "prayer": If you remember my mini meltdown a few days ago..., well, I decided to see my TCM doc the next day to get some answers about why my cycles were getting worse. He said he had no idea why because all my tcm vital signs told him I was doing rather well. Needless to say, I was frickin' disappointed and annoyed with his answer. My TCM doc's good (I did get pregnant within 3 months of being under his care) but he is not a fertility specialist. While I was laying on the clinic bed with a million needles stuck into my belly, I cried out in exasperation,


"God, Help Me!" (Not out loud, but in my head. The new needle-virgin patients waiting for their turn might appreciate that).

The next day, Saturday, I spent most of my time surfing the internet for answers. Most of my searches led me to fertility acupuncturists that were not even anywhere within a thousand miles from where I lived. Yet they were exactly what I wanted and needed. I was so desperate I fantasized about moving across oceans to be near them. After what seemed like an eternity drifting through cyberspace in desperation, I FOUND ONE! And he practically operates out of my own backyard. OK, I exaggerate, but his clinic is in my neck of the woods. The acupuncturist specializes in infertility and claims to use both Chinese and Western Medicine to diagnose infertility (they include hormonal bloodwork and ultrasound scans to monitor your follicles for ovulation) but use traditional chinese medicine to treat IF. This was exactly what I was looking for! I mean, yes, I still have delusions that at 39-going-on-40, I, endo girl with poor sperm DH, will get pregnant and have a baby without resorting to ART!

...
...
...

Okay, you can stop laughing now... Of course I still have a back-up plan--I will still talk to a fertility specialist about doing ART.

We plan to see this new fertility acupuncturist tomorrow. Maybe I just got lucky with Dr.Google. Or maybe God heard me and decided to give me a helping hand. So this is my new prayer to God:

"Oh God, please, please, please let him speak English.
May his english vocab extend beyond the words "Hello" and "We accept credit cards".
And please, please, please don't let his needles hurt.
May my acupuncture sessions with him be devoid of any screaming.
That's right God, please don't let him be a Dr.Yeeeoch v 2.0!

And please, please, please God, may I have a baby real soon!"

Dr Yeeeouch!

Let me tell you about Dr Yeeeouch!

After a very strange first consultation with him, we decided that we couldn't brush him off based on first impressions. After all, he seemed to be quite deft with needles and acupuncture points, having managed to clear my husband's sinuses with just a couple of pricks. He had given us some herbal medicine to consume over the course of the next few weeks or so, but there wasn't a clear plan of treatment. I was just waiting for an excuse to go back to him, sooner.

That came on the 25th of January, just 3 days after we first met him. Two days prior to my second appointment, I had been having the worst lower back pain. It wasn't a bone thing. And it wasn't my usual radioactive ass-throb, endo-related pain. It was just a very, very bad ache deep inside my body below the waist. I suspected a deficient condition, likely related to the kidneys (think TCM!) My hot water bottle came to the rescue.

Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short,  Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief! 

I thought it would go away after a day, but the pain continued onto the second day. So I thought, "Right, something is so wrong here. I am going to see the acupuncturist tomorrow". The next day, the pain was gone! Oh crap! I was really looking forward to seeing what acupuncture could do for it. I called up my new acupuncturist, complained to him about the pain in as many chinese words as I knew and said I was coming to see him! 

His other clinic wasn't optimally located either as it was again, across town from us in a different direction. But thankfully he was opened till 10pm, so we could avoid rush-hour traffic and mosey on down to his clinic leisurely after dinner. When we arrived, we were greeted by a young woman in a white doctor's coat and ushered straight to the acupuncture beds. We were reminded to take off our shoes at the door-that's how it is at this clinic-shoes off in all the carpeted rooms. Soon our new acupuncturist came to meet us, barefoot. Oh! So that explains his barefootedness when we first saw him. But, he was STILL in short sleeves and shorts! Yes, his top was a buttoned-down, smart-looking collared shirt, and his black shorts did look like the most formal style a pair of shorts could ever look, but that's not the image of a doctor that I am used to. All his other apprentices and students were smartly dressed in white coats and long pants, but he, the master, didn't seem to care. I don't know - maybe it's a chinese thing, but he seems to be saying that he knows who he is, he's secure in his abilities and all he wanted to be was comfortable. And he did come across as quite humble. So lets find out what he can do... I told him about my lower back pain and he motioned me to lie down face down. The bed had a hole for the face like those massage beds.

And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!

He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!

I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.

Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!

While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.

Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!

After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!


When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.

Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?

I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.

Oh dear god, help me!

I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!

Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?

First Report Card of 2010

Continuing on from Boracay...

Boracay was rather fun for what it was. You can tell if you looked at me because I put on something like 2-3 kgs when I was there! Yup! There went the TCM diet!

If pregnancy experts gave a demerit point for everything I did or ate wrong, I would have flunked miserably. Well, I didn't care, cos, well,... I had no egg. They're missing! So what pregnancy? Therefore, I absolutely did not care. It was so liberating, having no rules. I guess that's why it was fun! There were milkshakes galore from the island's best fruit milkshake hut (yummmm!) --that means dairy (swoon!) and ice (swoon, swoon!)! Then there were ice-cold cokes. And swimming in icy cold water-- All the cold things that are banned for a woman who is predisposed to having a cold body. Even though Boracay was a balmy 30˚C/86˚F the water was freezing! It was funny watching everyone's reaction when they hit the water! It wasn't just me! So in short Boracay was very bad for my body.

So what has Boracay done to my body? Here comes the report card...

I went to see my usual TCM doc as soon as I got back. He was very impressed with the beautiful photos we took, but he was NOT impressed with me.

"What happened? Why are you so cold? But your Qi is really good though."

I guess there were no surprises there. I sinned. I did evil things. But I was happy! My Qi was happy!

But that got me thinking - If all the acupuncture, and herbal medicine, and moxa that he's given me for the entire past year and 2 months I was with him have not been able to strengthen my body well enough to take 2 weeks of abuse, how good of a doctor is he really? I got pregnant under his care during the first 4 months but it's been a dry 10-month spell since. I was getting impatient and worried. It's no fun celebrating a 1-year anniversary of being with your TCM doc when there are no results. Was it time to move on? Try a different doctor or method perhaps? I had told him last year that we were giving ourselves till March 2010, and then we would consider other options. But I was already itching to move on.

My heart was really heavy with indecision. I truly believed that he's a good TCM physician, but fertility wasn't one of his strong points or specialty. But who do we go to? Nobody I knew knew anyone to recommend. So here we go again. Do we go for an unknown doctor I randomly find on the internet again? I had found another TCM physician who claimed to specialize in fertility on his website. They say they are :

"..well known for treating infertility. Our successes in assisting childless couples to conceive have been one of the most rewarding part of our mission. The tears of joy and happiness in seeing proud 'parents to be' is what makes all our efforts all the more worthwhile."

That was pretty much the clincher for me, the oh-so desperate infertile.

So, the big question now --

 Do we defect? 


Stay tuned.

No "O"

It's CD 20 and still no ovulation. Damn!

But, but, but...My heat levels have improved. My egg white CM has been amazing. My saliva was in full-fern bloom!

My OPK says "NO!"

I turned to one of my books to try and understand the mysteries of ovulation. The first line of the chapter read,

"Ovulation is probably one of the most important aspects of fertility."

My heart sank. Damn it! I obviously haven't got "one of the most important aspects of fertility". I am screwed!

Just when I thought things were going well--My body was cruising at full speed ahead, and then--It slams on the brakes!

I can't even begin to understand what the hell goes on in my body.

I am so frustrated.

I am in a funk.

Infertility plain SUCKS!

What I Had For Dinner :-(

I was a really, really bad girl today. I binged on the worst sorts of food that you could ever eat for endometriosis and fertility-- wheat, dairy, caffeine, hormones and cold drinks!

A new mall had opened up in our neighborhood and we succumbed to the lure of TGIF, which seemed to be so happening tonight. It was packed and every table seemed to be celebrating someone's birthday.

So here's my menu of poison for the night:

APPETIZER

Fried Mac & Cheese:

Wheat and dairy galore! Great for enhancing inflammation already caused by endometriosis!

MAIN

Chicken & Shrimp Pasta in Creamy Cajun Sauce:

More wheat and dairy galore! My Endo-induced inflammation is gonna have a party!

Non-organic chicken! A shot of yummy hormones to tip my already crazy hormones off the charts

DRINKS

3 cups of cold Pepsi:

Liquid Caffeine! Wonderful for killing fertility! It's thirst-quenching coolness is wonderful for creating blood stasis, period pain and endo. Just what I need!

Now my stomach feels like there's a tornado blowing in there! I am not looking forward to what my TCM doc has to say about me tomorrow... This is pure self-sabotage. And I am sure I will pay for it dearly! But I feel so happyyyyyyyy!

Do you ever give yourself a break and succumb to the dark side occasionally...especially when it comes to food?

(Pic compliments of Zoey when he was a kitten)

A Reflection Of My Journey

As optimistic as I am with the prognosis of TCM in my situation, it has not been a smooth ride. I've had the fortune of experiencing 1) months where I was pain-free, and 2) one miraculous pregnancy (at least to me!). But I have also lost the baby, dealt with the most extreme physical pain I've ever known, and my body is still battling to recover to full health since my miscarriage-- all this in the last 10 months since I started my course on Traditional Chinese Medicine.

So where in my heart do I stand with TCM? The lack of progress in the last few months has shaken me up a bit, but I still want to believe badly that this course of treatment will work for me. For one, my initial response to the treatment turned me from a sceptic to a believer. My TCM doctor told me that if I followed his recommendations, the awful pain I experienced with my period would decrease by 50%. When my next period came around, the pain had decreased not by 50%, but by 100%! That means NO PAIN! None! Zilch! I was astounded! Thinking it was a fluke, the next period came along, and again, no pain! And the same with the next. I have suffered pain from endometriosis for more than 10 years of my life, and to have this gone after a month of treatment really shocked me. It converted me into a believer. How can it not? And to top it off, I had a surprise of my life when I found out I was pregnant while I was on vacation. We had failed to conceive on our own for 4 years, and after 4 months of treatment, out of which we had only TTC during one cycle, we conceived straight away! It was so clear that the treatment had been affecting my body positively. And it is because of these amazing results that I believe in the healing powers of this form of medicine.

However, the miscarriage has knocked me back several steps. TCM advocates paying particular attention to healing after birth/miscarriage due to the loss of energy and blood, which I had neglected to do out of ignorance. And I have failed to realise the consequences of my ignorance until today, when I found out how weak my body still is. Last week, in an effort to heal me more aggressively, I underwent moxibustion sessions 5 days in a row. My body responded so well to it and my energy levels began to rise. I thought I was on my way. But after having a 2-day break over the weekend, my session with my TCM doc today revealed that I had degenerated again. I was so disappointed! My doctor had always told me that problems inherited after pregnancy due to neglect is a "terrible, terrible thing" that can affect a person for the rest of her life if not treated. The last 5 months since I miscarried, I have suffered some of the worst pain I ever felt from a period, even with treatment. Nor have I been able to conceive. The difference in my body's response to TCM treatment pre and post miscarriage is obvious. I have inherited more problems now on top of my endometriosis and pre-existing problems. If only I knew what I should have done back then... I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated.

But TCM has worked for me before. I AM able to get pregnant. I've OVERCOME the pain before. And with a little more diligence and patience, there is no reason why it won't work for me again. So I am soldiering on with my head high. I have a great doctor, a promising treatment and a loving husband who's with me every step of the way. I WILL achieve my dreams.

Finding An Alternative Cure

For the first 6 years we were married, we were meticulous about using contraception because we were afraid we would get pregnant. Ha Ha Ha! Yeah right.....A few months before I hit 35, my biological clock began to tick very loudly. I went to see my gynae for a check-up before trying to conceive. I clearly remembered him telling me that I was almost 35 and that my time was almost up! Oh! How encouraging! From the viewpoint of western medicine, that's the age when a woman's fertility starts to head downhill - without any brakes! He told us to try for 6 months and see how we go. Six months went by. Nothing. Then the months turned into years. Deep down inside, I knew that my endo was a factor in our failure to conceive, but I never accepted the idea that I was infertile. That to me was an ugly word that meant impossibility. I didn't believe I was infertile because I was still having my periods regularly, painful as they were. My body was still preparing a home for a baby every month! Heck! I often joked to myself that a baby had better be worth all that suffering. But I knew the doctors couldn't fix my endometriosis, and therefore my "infertility". I was at a loss.

So one day, I decided to go the bookstore to read up more about getting pregnant. It wasn't like a military precision-planned, goal-oriented mission, but rather more like a "Hmm... I'm bored. Let's just snoop around the pregnancy books and see what it's all about" kind of a thing. I headed to the pregnancy section and there at my eye-level, the first book I saw was about - Infertility! It was called "The Infertility Cure - the ancient chinese wellness program for getting pregnant and having healthy babies" by Randine Lewis. Why they put infertility books together with pregnancy and baby books is beyond me - A tad insensitive if you ask me! Anyway, "infertility" and "cure" and "healthy babies" all in the same sentence? I was hooked! And it had a whole section dedicated to endometriosis! That book changed my life! That book is the reason why I am seeking treatment in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) today.

Having been pro-western medicine for all of my life, understanding and appreciating TCM was very difficult for me because chinese concepts like "wind", "heatiness", "stagnation", "ying & yang","pressure points" and "qi" were so abstract, intangible and unquantifiable. I preferred scientific explanations in terms of chemical/biological analysis. But what the author did for me was to bridge the gap between western and chinese medicine and explained TCM in scientific terms that made sense to me. And she was able to do that because she had been trained in both western and eastern medicine. And I liked the fact that it was her own infertility that spurred her onto TCM when she herself found western medicine lacking in areas of infertility. She came from a place of empathy, compassion and determination.

TCM, as explained by her, made a lot of sense to me. TCM treats your body as an ecosystem, and addresses the imbalances that are the root cause of our fertility problems. Its holistic approach makes sure that everything in our body functions as it should so that our conceptions and pregnancies have everything in place for them to be successful. To illustrate this point, take a woman who is not ovulating as an example. A typical treatment in western medicine would be to administer clomid, which chemically forces her to release eggs, usually many at one time, with unfortunately, some possible undesirable side effects. It treats symptoms but does not resolve her hormonal issues that caused annovulation in the first place. TCM however will go to the root of the problem and resolve why she wasn't ovulating in the first place so she could ovulate naturally. TCM infact sounded more logical, and much safer. The treatments usually involved natural herbs, not synthetic man-made chemicals. The more I read her book, the more I liked the TCM approach to resolving infertility. And best of all, it seemed that infertility in all its forms were treatable. WOW! It was like the dark clouds had parted and a ray of hope had shone down directly onto me! From then on, I knew that TCM was the path for me. I finally found a reason to be hopeful and I was determined to beat my endo and infertility, and have a baby - naturally.