Hope

I've had the worst diagnosis I've heard in years about my infertility at my new clinic. And the news keeps getting worse. 

I have an enlarged and deformed uterus. WTF? During my last ultrasound scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp and his wife, Dr.DontWorry were poring over my u/s image and speaking busily amongst themselves. They were paying close attention to it and making notes in a way that I've never seen them do. I couldn't understand them as they were speaking in chinese but I knew from their body language that they were really concerned. After wiping myself down, I sat down and probed them about what they saw. 


Here's the bad news:

They said that my uterus is large and inflated like a round ball. A normal uterus is about 7.5 x 5 x 2.5 cm (length x width x thickness) . Mine is 9 x 8.5 x 7.5 cm! The endo and adeno has grown so extensively that my ute has swelled up like a ball. Is that why I look perpetually pregnant? Oh the irony! It is so distorted that the cervix has shifted to the left. The fibroid-looking mass is at the base growing from the back wall and extends into the cavity of the uterus, possibly exerting pressure on my rectum too. That probably explains my "ass-throb" days! He thinks it might not be a fibroid but more like an adenomyoma with tissue and blood inside, but he said I could call it a fbroid (?). I'm guessing he can't make a conclusive report from an ultrasound because the only definitive diagnosis for adeno is a microscopic biopsy after hysterectomy, which, hell yeah I'm gonna have!  He says surgery is not an option for me as that meant cutting into the uterus extensively. I don't think much of my uterus would be left behind after that. A patient of his, by some strange coincidence, has a uterus almost identical to mine, with the same size, shape, distortion, fibroid mass in the same location, and shifted cervix. Her doctor told her she could never have children...

According to Dr.NeverGiveUp, a uterus as bad as mine would have been in the making for many, many years. I am upset that within the last 2 years, two different gynaecologists who scanned me before and after my miscarriage failed to tell me that my uterus was abnormal. They only mentioned that it was retroverted and it was clear of cysts. Dr.NeverGiveUp explained that it was common for doctors not to say anything if the condition can't be helped or if it isn't life threatening. So what are your doctors NOT telling you? At least now I know that TCM doc's treatments over the past year did not do this to me. Considering the extent of my problem, any lack of progress from his treatments is totally understandable!

But here's the good news:

The patient with the identical abnormal ute is now pregnant (WOW!), 6 months after Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatments. I have hope! She is at 14 weeks and they are monitoring her closely. Dr.NeverGiveUp so kindly showed me her ultrasound and I could see her little baby in a sac sitting above and away from the fibroid. I am so rooting for her! He has said to me before that our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt. That there are many, many places and spots in the womb where an egg will find to implant itself. If it implants on a good spot, then it could survive. So even with his treatments, "It's all a game of chance right?" I asked. "Yes" he replied with a matter of fact. "And up to God". Hmmm, haven't I heard that somewhere before? Well, I do appreciate his honesty. There are risks and complications for these types of pregnancies but he believes that if the egg and sperm quality are good to begin with, the embryo has a good fighting chance for survival. And he firmly believes that my inability to conceive is largely because of my hormone imbalance-not the endo or the fibroid/adeno.

Thinking back, it is such a miracle that I managed to get pregnant last year with this busted uterus! And plausible that I couldn't sustain it because my hormonal levels were not right or that the egg/sperm quality were not good to begin with. Hmmm... All of Dr.NeverGiveUp's theories might just be right! But he says that I have a tough road ahead  (don't you just love his honesty?) and that I should expect to be treated for a year. He says there's no way to predict how long it would take for me to conceive. A woman with worse adeno than me conceived after 9 months. Some who couldn't conceive for 6 years conceived within 2 months after his treatments. The longest patient he had was treated for 2 years before she conceived at age 42. The bottom line is, I should not give up. He said that nobody should tell me that I can never have a baby. I love this guy! 

I was devastated when I learned how bad my condition was. I cried my heart out at the impossibility of having a baby with the challenges we have. But I've picked myself off the floor now and wiped away my tears.


I have hope.

And I have Dr.NeverGiveUp's help.


It might take me at least 9 months or more than a year to conceive. But I am going to make everyday count. Now I have time to work off the weight I always wanted to lose before a pregnancy. I have time to work up my fitness level so that I can be a fit mom. I have time to eat right and get healthy so that I will have a healthy pregnancy.
  
Yes, I'm going to make everyday that I am waiting count.