LUFS Has Left The Building!

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production.  The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put!  :-)

This Week's Excite-O-Meter

My trip to see Dr. Don'tGiveUp this week resulted in some pretty interesting "news".

Here's how they rate according to my Excite-o-meter, where 0 = not excited at all, and 10 = is super excited.

>>Ms. Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass remains as stubborn as ever. I was hoping that it would have shrunk itself into oblivion from the Fibrovan I've been taking, but sadly, the u/s scan shows that it has remained unchanged since the last 10mm shrinkage. I haz a very sad.

Excite-o-meter Level: minus 347

>>Again, Dr.Don'tGive Up reports to me that another patient of his has just gotten pregnant (who happens to be the patient in line before me. Gawdamnit! Read about the other pregnant woman in line before me . If you wanna get pregnant, forget IVF, forget TCM! Just be the one in line before me-Pregnancy guaranteed!). Anyway, she's obese, has one son already but was infertile for 3 years trying for her second child. It only took her one month to conceive under his care. (Ugh! You call that infertile?) I was totally not excited about any of this-except for the fact that he has classified her as another unusual case. He didn't say what her diagnosis was but he showed me her BBT chart, which was all over the place! There were dips and spikes in all the wrong places, and surprisingly, her temp got lower and lower. There was absolutely no sign of any pregnant triphasic pattern, or biphasic pattern either. In fact her temp has plunged to 36.0˚F. Dr.Don'tGiveUp stared at her chart silently, in awe and confusion. He said her chart showed that she couldn't possibly be pregnant with her temps, but her u/s scan and urine test proved she was. He thinks that there may be a fault in her temperature taking, but he wanted to show me that women still get pregnant despite the unlikeliness of the situation. He told me not to worry. Women do get pregnant against the odds. So I got a teeny weeny bit excited about it.

Excite-o-meter Level: 

0.5

>>I learned about the dangers about ultrasound scan. Since my MIL seems to be very concerned about me having u/s scans every week, I asked if sound waves could damage my eggs. I also asked if there was any harm to a foetus or embryo especially at an early stage. He replied that a transvaginal scan (the all-seeing phallic sonic probe which they stick up your cha-cha) could pose a danger because it is very near the gestational sac - which is only a couple of inches away from the source of the sound waves. And he wouldn't recommend it during the very early stages of pregnancy. Besides he doesn't want any early-pregnant woman having something stuck up her va-jay-jay or even having sex (up till at least 28DPO, if I can remember correctly from a previous conversation). He added that most doctors wouldn't bother to study about the effects of ultrasound scanning but he spent $20,000 on a course to learn about it in detail, and understands it well. He said that yes, theoretically, ultrasound can be harmful because vibrations can cause damage to a very young gestational sac, but it cannot be clinically proven because nobody would want to mess around with a human life just to prove it. It's also very, very hard to prove. The harm may also be very small-therefore considered negligible, depending on who's looking at the data. As for u/s scanning the eggs on a full bladder, the sound waves are traveling through more layers of tissue and water and so it's not that harmful by the time it gets to the eggs. If you're paranoid like me, avoid the cha-cha wand during very early pregnancy! After spending thousands of dollars and millions of tears, paranoia is acceptable. 

Excite-o-meter Level: 5


>>I found out that Dr.Don'tGiveUp is a Christian. We told him that we'd made plans to visit the ancient ruins of Borobudur in Indonesia in August and he told us that he had been there. 30 years ago, he spent one month in Indonesia traveling across the islands of Java and Bali doing mission work with his church. Normally a doctor's spiritual orientation wouldn't matter to me, but I find it very comforting to know that my doctor and I are on a common spiritual path. After all, I believe that god answered my prayers when I asked for a doctor who combines Eastern and Western medicine, as I found him the very next day! I would like to think that god is working through him to answer my prayers (hopefully!) And knowing that he believes in the same god I do feels reassuring.

Excite-o-meter Level: 7

>>I was very excited about getting my blood tested again after being 3 months on his meds. I really want to see what my FSH is doing, along with my other hormones. Dr.Don'tGiveUp and I were talking about possible ovarian failure due to me not ovulating some months and the poor quality of my eggs. I was spotting a lot prior to AF this past cycle which indicated poor progesterone levels, resulting in a poor,  weak lining. This is also another indication of poor quality eggs. But he doesn't want to jump to any conclusions just yet and will wait for the blood test to see. Even though my FSH was bafflingly low 3 months ago, my prognosis could be worse now, with possible POF (premature ovarian failure) in the cards. But I am eager to confront it and face it head on! I can't wait to get the results back!

Excite-o-meter Level: 8

>>And BTW, he's got needle skillz! He knows his veins! I've been traumatized by incompetent doctors who think that taking blood is a bloody treasure hunt. They've pricked me all over to find blood, even behind my knuckles! Maybe fun for them, but not so for me! Dr.Don'tGiveUp hit the jackpot at first prick! He's done this twice now, perfectly. I never have to worry about giving him blood anymore! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 8.5

>>Knowing that I was getting kinda worried about adding POF to an already long list of fertility problems that would circle the globe twice, he told me not to worry. He said that he has invented a new treatment! I was thinking, "Wow! Who invents new treatments for fertility? Nobody has invented anything new for infertility in years!" So I flooded him with questions about it but he wouldn't tell me much. Dang! All I managed to squeeze from him was that, he was testing it now with some of his patients and it has proven to be effective so far--but he wanted to observe it a bit longer; it involves a few more steps (I'm dying to know what), it would cost a bit more (Oh! What the hell!); it wouldn't require me coming to the clinic more often (Yay!), and that he would introduce it to me in about two weeks' time. OMG! OMG! OMG! I am sooooo super duper excited! Can I please, please, please try it ASAP??!!!! I'll be your guinea pig! My sorry state of a reproductive non-productive system needs ALL the help it can get! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 1,000,000,000!!! 

My excite-o-meter has gone through the roof with the last one!

Is Ms.Nasty Turning Over A New Leaf?

Ms.Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass gave me a shock today! She measured in at 38mm during my ultrasound scan! That folks, is shockingly good news because she's... Wait for it...

10mm SMALLER! (Gasp! Gasp!)

She has shrunk!

A week ago during my period, she was still the same size, as she always is at all my u/s scans-A big fat 48mm! 

Dr.NeverGiveUp doesn't know what's going on. But I think I do. (More later).

"Can the fluctuations in hormones during a menstrual cycle cause the size to change?" I asked.

"No. Fibroids do not change like that."

 I knew from his expression that he was puzzled, but he kept quiet. And didn't want to offer any explanations. He wasn't treating me for Ms.Nasty but I have been secretly battling Ms.Nasty on my own. And I am hoping that Ms.Nasty's retreat is the result of that, and not a fluke. 

I was so astonished and happy after the u/s scan that I forgot to ask for a picture of it. But Ms.Nasty actually looked smaller. She's flatter and not so round. Oh please, please, puhleeeze let this be a permanent change!

She may have behaved like a saint today, but yesterday, she was one nasty devil, being a real pain in my ass. Literally. Just like clockwork, "Ass-throb Day" turned up on CD10 and attacked me out of nowhere! My rectum felt like it had been impaled by a knife. It was like a major serious period cramp in the wrong place--Up my butt! It was so bad, I had to get off my computer and lie down. If you had a period cramp you could put a heating pad, or massage your tummy, but how do you do that when the pain's inside your ass? I had never had it so bad before and I was seriously contemplating taking a painkiller for it. But I stuck it out. The most intense pain lasted for 20-30 minutes. And then it lingered for a total of 3-4 hours before it vanished! Thank god it did, because if Ms.Nasty's being particularly mean, she can make it last for days.

For a long time I never knew what caused the pain, but after seeing the u/s scan of Ms.Nasty leaning right next to my rectum, I knew she had something to do with it. And for some strange reason, she likes to wreak havoc on CD10. Surprisingly, she went away as quickly as she came. And today, she's even made herself smaller!

Today, I also managed to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp my burning question of the week:

Can sex induce a period? The answer is "Yes!"

For that reason, he advices that women trying to conceive should stay away from sex during the last 3-4 days before their period. So I was panicking for no reason when AF came on 11DPO after sex. Rest assured girls-these things do happen! And talking about sex, he has already scheduled when we should be having sex next-today (Friday), Monday and Wednesday! It's very weird having another man tell me when to have sex!

My next post-I'll let you in on the secret stuff I've been doing behind Dr.NeverGiveU's back and why I think Ms.Nasty has calmed down a notch. Stay tuned.

Meet Ms.Nasty

I finally managed to get a picture of my ultrasound, starring my big fat adenomyosis-slash-fibroid growth, whom I named Ms.Nasty.

During my last period, she measured in at a whopping 4.8cm ~ about the size of a plum. Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks it is a mixture of blood vessels and muscle tissue. He doesn't recommend surgery because it is not possible to do it without cutting away and damaging the uterine wall. I think he might be right because another patient who has the same growth as me in the same spot had all her other fibroids surgically removed except this one. And even if I did have surgery, it does not address the other adeno spots around my ute which cannot be removed. The only known "cure" for adeno today is a hysterectomy. So it looks like I have to live with Ms.Nasty. Ugh!

Here she is seen from the front. She sits in the centre at the bottom of my ute, bulging into the uterine cavity like a movie star desperate for attention.

Here is a side view of her resting against the back wall of my uterus towards the rectum (right of the image) in a spot commonly known as the Pouch of Douglas or Douglas Cul-De-Sac.  (I'm almost expecting to see a few houses there!) Now I am sure my Ass-Throb days are caused by Ms.Nasty throwing a tantrum every now and then!  

I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if she could be nasty enough to stop hub's sperm from getting through (I'm thinking road block here). But he thinks it won't be an issue because sperm is very small  and they can get past Ms.Nasty fine. Well, I'm still concerned because hub's sperm aren't exactly olympian swimmers and you'd think they'd be so pooped after swimming over that gigantic mountain that they'd be too exhausted to swim any further, let alone find the right tube where eggy is before the time is up! Well, the only hope is that the chinese meds he's giving my husband will actually help them become super sperm!

As for pregnancy, the biggest issue for me is where implantation happens. If the fertilized egg implants on the upper region of the uterine cavity, as far away as possible from Ms.Nasty, then I have a shot! Unfortunately, not even IVF can help with this. IVF cannot determine where implantation occurs. I always thought I could do IVF as a last resort. But no. IVF cannot help my cause. 

Sadly, western medicine offers me little or nothing at all in my quest to have a baby. Neither surgery nor IVF is going to help. Traditional Chinese Medicine is the only way for me. I have no choice. 

Maybe it's why I've always believed in my heart that I will have a baby au natural. If and when I have my baby, it's going to be nothing less than a Miracle Baby!

Hope

I've had the worst diagnosis I've heard in years about my infertility at my new clinic. And the news keeps getting worse. 

I have an enlarged and deformed uterus. WTF? During my last ultrasound scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp and his wife, Dr.DontWorry were poring over my u/s image and speaking busily amongst themselves. They were paying close attention to it and making notes in a way that I've never seen them do. I couldn't understand them as they were speaking in chinese but I knew from their body language that they were really concerned. After wiping myself down, I sat down and probed them about what they saw. 


Here's the bad news:

They said that my uterus is large and inflated like a round ball. A normal uterus is about 7.5 x 5 x 2.5 cm (length x width x thickness) . Mine is 9 x 8.5 x 7.5 cm! The endo and adeno has grown so extensively that my ute has swelled up like a ball. Is that why I look perpetually pregnant? Oh the irony! It is so distorted that the cervix has shifted to the left. The fibroid-looking mass is at the base growing from the back wall and extends into the cavity of the uterus, possibly exerting pressure on my rectum too. That probably explains my "ass-throb" days! He thinks it might not be a fibroid but more like an adenomyoma with tissue and blood inside, but he said I could call it a fbroid (?). I'm guessing he can't make a conclusive report from an ultrasound because the only definitive diagnosis for adeno is a microscopic biopsy after hysterectomy, which, hell yeah I'm gonna have!  He says surgery is not an option for me as that meant cutting into the uterus extensively. I don't think much of my uterus would be left behind after that. A patient of his, by some strange coincidence, has a uterus almost identical to mine, with the same size, shape, distortion, fibroid mass in the same location, and shifted cervix. Her doctor told her she could never have children...

According to Dr.NeverGiveUp, a uterus as bad as mine would have been in the making for many, many years. I am upset that within the last 2 years, two different gynaecologists who scanned me before and after my miscarriage failed to tell me that my uterus was abnormal. They only mentioned that it was retroverted and it was clear of cysts. Dr.NeverGiveUp explained that it was common for doctors not to say anything if the condition can't be helped or if it isn't life threatening. So what are your doctors NOT telling you? At least now I know that TCM doc's treatments over the past year did not do this to me. Considering the extent of my problem, any lack of progress from his treatments is totally understandable!

But here's the good news:

The patient with the identical abnormal ute is now pregnant (WOW!), 6 months after Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatments. I have hope! She is at 14 weeks and they are monitoring her closely. Dr.NeverGiveUp so kindly showed me her ultrasound and I could see her little baby in a sac sitting above and away from the fibroid. I am so rooting for her! He has said to me before that our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt. That there are many, many places and spots in the womb where an egg will find to implant itself. If it implants on a good spot, then it could survive. So even with his treatments, "It's all a game of chance right?" I asked. "Yes" he replied with a matter of fact. "And up to God". Hmmm, haven't I heard that somewhere before? Well, I do appreciate his honesty. There are risks and complications for these types of pregnancies but he believes that if the egg and sperm quality are good to begin with, the embryo has a good fighting chance for survival. And he firmly believes that my inability to conceive is largely because of my hormone imbalance-not the endo or the fibroid/adeno.

Thinking back, it is such a miracle that I managed to get pregnant last year with this busted uterus! And plausible that I couldn't sustain it because my hormonal levels were not right or that the egg/sperm quality were not good to begin with. Hmmm... All of Dr.NeverGiveUp's theories might just be right! But he says that I have a tough road ahead  (don't you just love his honesty?) and that I should expect to be treated for a year. He says there's no way to predict how long it would take for me to conceive. A woman with worse adeno than me conceived after 9 months. Some who couldn't conceive for 6 years conceived within 2 months after his treatments. The longest patient he had was treated for 2 years before she conceived at age 42. The bottom line is, I should not give up. He said that nobody should tell me that I can never have a baby. I love this guy! 

I was devastated when I learned how bad my condition was. I cried my heart out at the impossibility of having a baby with the challenges we have. But I've picked myself off the floor now and wiped away my tears.


I have hope.

And I have Dr.NeverGiveUp's help.


It might take me at least 9 months or more than a year to conceive. But I am going to make everyday count. Now I have time to work off the weight I always wanted to lose before a pregnancy. I have time to work up my fitness level so that I can be a fit mom. I have time to eat right and get healthy so that I will have a healthy pregnancy.
  
Yes, I'm going to make everyday that I am waiting count. 

"Bloody" Bad News

My hormonal bloodwork came back. It's bad news as I had expected.

My hormone levels are crap.

And one thing that freaked me out was when my results for CA-125 (Cancer Antigen 125) indicated cancer in the ovaries! Fuck right? Then I found out that it wasn't a reliable way to screen for cancer and that elevated levels are also present in women who have endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disorders, fibroids or women who are menstruating or are pregnant. Stress kills fertility. Yup! Mine just about died there and then when I saw my CA-125 results! 

Anyway, for those of you who love, love, love numbers, here are some of my bloodwork stats based on mid-luteal phase parameters:

- My progesterone level is low @ 8.13 (should be 7.96-23.37)

- My estradiol is ok according to the doctor even though it looks high to me @245 (should be 90-220) 

- My testosterone levels are a bit high @ 0.86 (should be 0.14-0.76)

- My FSH is at 2.7

- My CA-125 is @63.8 (should be <35)

I have a tonne of questions about my blood test for my doctor because I wasn't quite lucid when I got the results. My brain had shut down due to the period cramps I was having then. As I had expected, all my icy cold coke indulgence the weeks before came back to haunt me. (Docs told me to avoid icy drinks for my condition) Well, it was really fun while it lasted.  So, it was CD1 and my cramps were increasing in intensity as I waited for my turn in the clinic. My torture was exacerbated by the 1.5 L (about 50 fl oz or 6.5 cups) of water I had to drink and hold in my very full bladder, required for the ultrasound scan. Oh yeah-more bad news: my fibroid looks to be about 4.8cm (almost 2") now as opposed to 3cm last week. The doctor also said my tests indicate poor egg quality.

Sigh! When will this bad-news-avalanche ever come to a stop? 

So what are the chances of a couple with
-endometriosis
-adenomyosis
-fibroids
-imbalanced hormones
-infrequent ovulation
-poor quality eggs
-low sperm count
-low sperm morphology
-low sperm motility
-mature age factor


have for getting pregnant? That's a freakin' long list of problems!

Our chances sound pretty damn awful don't it?

According to what I've read, here are more stats for those who, again, love, love, love numbers:

- fibroids that distort the shape of the uterus decrease fertility by 70%

- endometriosis decreases fertility by up to 36% 

- by age 40, fertility rates drop by 95%

I don't even have stats on the impact of adenomyosis, or hormonal imbalance or sperm issues on fertility (I'm assuming it's not 0%) but let's tally up the numbers I already have:

100% fertility-70%-36%-95% = -101%

I'm no math genius, but that is a MINUS fertility rate. MINUS 101%! My chances are freakin' awful. I am sure there is at least one doctor out there who will tell me that I have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant...  Thankfully, my new fertility doctors have not said that to me (I have 2-it's a husband and wife team). They told me not to give up hope, but it was going to be tough for me. 

It's going to be really tough.

---------

On a side note: It's CD4 today. I went to the gym today. This is unheard of as I am usually still in agony locked in my room from endo/period pain on Day 4. I did have cramps on CD1 and 2, but the intensity and duration is half of what it normally is. I have not stained my panties or bed with overflow (not once!) this time which means my flow is normal and manageable now. The clinic did give me some herbal medicine for my cramps. It's the first time any herbal formula has worked for my pain, which to me is remarkable! When I took them, my pain was greatly reduced to just an annoying ache within 2 hours. Amazing-this is all plant stuff! The doctor was not kidding when she said the pills were "really, really good for cramps". If this is any indication of how good these TCM docs and their herbal medicine are, then, a spark of hope has finally been rekindled in my heart...

Broken

This week is Infertility Awareness Week (USA).

And what an apt time it is for me to find out that I am even more infertile than I thought I was.

Yes, I have heartbreaking news about my latest diagnosis. An ultrasound at my new fertility clinic revealed that I not only have endometriosis (endometrial growth outside the uterus that causes adhesions, inflamation and scarring) which I already knew I had. But now I also have adenomyosis (endometriosis that occurs inside the uterus) and a 3cm fibroid in my uterus.

In simple English, my uterus is really fucked up! It is full of abnormal growths which are distorting its shape and decreases my fertility by 70%. My uterus is retroverted. The growths also make it difficult for an embryo to find a suitable spot to implant. The fibroid could also be blocking the passage of DH's sperm to my egg. This may not be the end of my bad news, as I am still waiting for my hormonal bloodwork to come back.

I am devastated. I've been depressed the whole week. My eyes are the size of tennis balls from all that crying. We have such an uphill struggle.


My body is broken.



My heart, is broken.