LUFS Has Left The Building!

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production.  The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put!  :-)

Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

This Week's Excite-O-Meter

My trip to see Dr. Don'tGiveUp this week resulted in some pretty interesting "news".

Here's how they rate according to my Excite-o-meter, where 0 = not excited at all, and 10 = is super excited.

>>Ms. Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass remains as stubborn as ever. I was hoping that it would have shrunk itself into oblivion from the Fibrovan I've been taking, but sadly, the u/s scan shows that it has remained unchanged since the last 10mm shrinkage. I haz a very sad.

Excite-o-meter Level: minus 347

>>Again, Dr.Don'tGive Up reports to me that another patient of his has just gotten pregnant (who happens to be the patient in line before me. Gawdamnit! Read about the other pregnant woman in line before me . If you wanna get pregnant, forget IVF, forget TCM! Just be the one in line before me-Pregnancy guaranteed!). Anyway, she's obese, has one son already but was infertile for 3 years trying for her second child. It only took her one month to conceive under his care. (Ugh! You call that infertile?) I was totally not excited about any of this-except for the fact that he has classified her as another unusual case. He didn't say what her diagnosis was but he showed me her BBT chart, which was all over the place! There were dips and spikes in all the wrong places, and surprisingly, her temp got lower and lower. There was absolutely no sign of any pregnant triphasic pattern, or biphasic pattern either. In fact her temp has plunged to 36.0˚F. Dr.Don'tGiveUp stared at her chart silently, in awe and confusion. He said her chart showed that she couldn't possibly be pregnant with her temps, but her u/s scan and urine test proved she was. He thinks that there may be a fault in her temperature taking, but he wanted to show me that women still get pregnant despite the unlikeliness of the situation. He told me not to worry. Women do get pregnant against the odds. So I got a teeny weeny bit excited about it.

Excite-o-meter Level: 

0.5

>>I learned about the dangers about ultrasound scan. Since my MIL seems to be very concerned about me having u/s scans every week, I asked if sound waves could damage my eggs. I also asked if there was any harm to a foetus or embryo especially at an early stage. He replied that a transvaginal scan (the all-seeing phallic sonic probe which they stick up your cha-cha) could pose a danger because it is very near the gestational sac - which is only a couple of inches away from the source of the sound waves. And he wouldn't recommend it during the very early stages of pregnancy. Besides he doesn't want any early-pregnant woman having something stuck up her va-jay-jay or even having sex (up till at least 28DPO, if I can remember correctly from a previous conversation). He added that most doctors wouldn't bother to study about the effects of ultrasound scanning but he spent $20,000 on a course to learn about it in detail, and understands it well. He said that yes, theoretically, ultrasound can be harmful because vibrations can cause damage to a very young gestational sac, but it cannot be clinically proven because nobody would want to mess around with a human life just to prove it. It's also very, very hard to prove. The harm may also be very small-therefore considered negligible, depending on who's looking at the data. As for u/s scanning the eggs on a full bladder, the sound waves are traveling through more layers of tissue and water and so it's not that harmful by the time it gets to the eggs. If you're paranoid like me, avoid the cha-cha wand during very early pregnancy! After spending thousands of dollars and millions of tears, paranoia is acceptable. 

Excite-o-meter Level: 5


>>I found out that Dr.Don'tGiveUp is a Christian. We told him that we'd made plans to visit the ancient ruins of Borobudur in Indonesia in August and he told us that he had been there. 30 years ago, he spent one month in Indonesia traveling across the islands of Java and Bali doing mission work with his church. Normally a doctor's spiritual orientation wouldn't matter to me, but I find it very comforting to know that my doctor and I are on a common spiritual path. After all, I believe that god answered my prayers when I asked for a doctor who combines Eastern and Western medicine, as I found him the very next day! I would like to think that god is working through him to answer my prayers (hopefully!) And knowing that he believes in the same god I do feels reassuring.

Excite-o-meter Level: 7

>>I was very excited about getting my blood tested again after being 3 months on his meds. I really want to see what my FSH is doing, along with my other hormones. Dr.Don'tGiveUp and I were talking about possible ovarian failure due to me not ovulating some months and the poor quality of my eggs. I was spotting a lot prior to AF this past cycle which indicated poor progesterone levels, resulting in a poor,  weak lining. This is also another indication of poor quality eggs. But he doesn't want to jump to any conclusions just yet and will wait for the blood test to see. Even though my FSH was bafflingly low 3 months ago, my prognosis could be worse now, with possible POF (premature ovarian failure) in the cards. But I am eager to confront it and face it head on! I can't wait to get the results back!

Excite-o-meter Level: 8

>>And BTW, he's got needle skillz! He knows his veins! I've been traumatized by incompetent doctors who think that taking blood is a bloody treasure hunt. They've pricked me all over to find blood, even behind my knuckles! Maybe fun for them, but not so for me! Dr.Don'tGiveUp hit the jackpot at first prick! He's done this twice now, perfectly. I never have to worry about giving him blood anymore! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 8.5

>>Knowing that I was getting kinda worried about adding POF to an already long list of fertility problems that would circle the globe twice, he told me not to worry. He said that he has invented a new treatment! I was thinking, "Wow! Who invents new treatments for fertility? Nobody has invented anything new for infertility in years!" So I flooded him with questions about it but he wouldn't tell me much. Dang! All I managed to squeeze from him was that, he was testing it now with some of his patients and it has proven to be effective so far--but he wanted to observe it a bit longer; it involves a few more steps (I'm dying to know what), it would cost a bit more (Oh! What the hell!); it wouldn't require me coming to the clinic more often (Yay!), and that he would introduce it to me in about two weeks' time. OMG! OMG! OMG! I am sooooo super duper excited! Can I please, please, please try it ASAP??!!!! I'll be your guinea pig! My sorry state of a reproductive non-productive system needs ALL the help it can get! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 1,000,000,000!!! 

My excite-o-meter has gone through the roof with the last one!

The Red Pill

Neo took one (think Matrix). And it changed his life.

I'm taking one too. (Actually, bottles of it). And I'm hoping it's going to change my life.

So what's my mysterious Red Pill about?

This is my secret battle against Ms.Nasty and all the menacing adhesions growing in my ute.

This is Fibrovan...

The endo busting, fibroid killing enzyme packed in a red capsule.

Taken in doses of 2 capsules, twice daily.

A lot of health care professionals will probably tell me that I'm an idiot and NUTS for trying this and that I should stay away from it because:

1) I found it on the internet! We all know the internet is full of scams!

2) It is not endorsed by any doctor

3) It is not FDA approved, though it claims to have been manufactured following FDA guidelines

4) The principle on how it works in human bodies is probably all bullshit because it has not been proven scientifically

But an idiot I'll have to be because Dr.NeverGiveUp really left me in a lurch when he said that he wouldn't recommend surgery nor would he treat me for endo, adeno or fibroids.

My reaction: (in a silent scream...) What? 

But he's suppose to be my fertility knight in shining armour!

Instead, he told me that my problem was quite deeply and extensively rooted inside my ute and was impossible to fix with surgery. In fact it could cause even more damage. He also explained that he would not treat it with chinese medicine because he feels that it's very difficult and slow with TCM. I can't afford the time, he says. He sure doesn't beat around the bush! And you know how I feel about western drugs like Lupron. So, No medicine. No surgery.

I am left to deal with endo, adeno and Ms.Nasty on my own.

Armed with a mouse, a computer and immense desperation, I went into cyberspace to look for answers. And here's what I discovered:

• The number of women suffering from endo or fibroids is staggering. 15% or 110 million women worldwide will suffer from endo, and up to 40% (some even say 80%) of women will experience at least one fibroid by the time they reach menopause
• Many like me, are opting out of surgery and western drugs because they are too invasive, or have failed to help
• There are claims that some have the knowledge to shrink fibroids the natural way but they want you to pay them if you want to know
• There are medicinal products that claim they can shrink fibroids and endo

In the end Fibrovan looked like the most effective and "transparent" product on the market. The sheer number of women who claimed that it had made a tremendous difference in their lives was impressive. And I'm not talking about the testimonials of women on the product website who sad they were pain-free, or that their fibroids had disappeared or who finally managed to have their babies. These could all be hyped-up lies cooked up by the website. I went in search of ordinary women to see what they were saying in the forums, their blogs, women's health websites, twitter etc about their experiences. I found one or two who said they experienced no effect whatsoever and that it was a waste of money. But there were overwhelmingly more women who had positive experiences with it. And I have not heard of a single complaint about bad side-effects.

I decided to give it a try. I'm telling myself: If it fails, I would lose a few hundred bucks. So what? for years, I've already been spending a crazy fortune on health supplements for fertility. But if it works.... Wow! Considering the physical pain and infertility I am living with due to these diseases, it could be life-changing!

And how does this red capsule unleash its power? It's most active ingredient is an enzyme called Nattokinase derived from fermented soybeans called Natto, a common Japanese food and it was "discovered at the University of Chicago Medical School that safely and quickly disolves unhealthy clots and fibrin deposits in fibroids and endometriosis."  Then, your immune system will "excrete it as waste in the urine." 

I concluded that this is essentially like "enzyme therapy".  Nattokinase is also being used by people with blood clots who are at risk of having heart attacks and strokes. These patients have also stunned their doctors when blood clots up to a foot long have disappeared. But here's the main controversy I found in my research:

I have read that lab tests have shown that it dissolves fibrin, but doctors are having a fiery debate whether it can be assimilated into our bodies without our digestive system destroying its properties, hence rendering it useless. Therefore, many doctors giving enzyme therapy usually inject enzymes directly into the bloodstream. However, many people who have taken nattokinase orally have reported experiencing its benefits and believe it works. So who's right? I don't know. But I'm convinced that I will never ever come close to experiencing the relief and life-changing benefits that some women have experienced with Fibrovan if I never try.

I started Fibrovan right away when I got the package in the mail. I began with 2 capsules, twice a day in May, which I will call Phase 1. And here's my experience:

Phase 1 (24 days):

- Had no bad side-effects

- Since I wasn't in pain to begin with, I didn't notice anything different.

- Ms.Nasty measured 48mm

Break: Stopped Fibrovan when I was ovulating because the safety of this product for pregnancy has not been tested.

Phase 2 (16 days to date and counting):

- Resumed Fibrovan when AF arrived after an 11-day break

- On Day 1 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty still measured no change on u/s scan.

- AF pain had not decreased

- AF flow not as heavy as before

- Surprisingly no clots during AF

- Rectum pain (on CD10) lasted shorter than usual

- On Day 11 of Phase 2, Ms.Nasty has shrunk by10mm and measured 38mm!

- First sex after AF not as painful as usual

- Had no bad side-effects

In short, Fibrovan hasn't done much for my pain so far. But Ms.Nasty has shrunk! Is this the work of Fibrovan? I really don't know. It's probably too soon to tell. But am I gonna keep taking it? Hell yeah! Will I tell Dr.NeverGiveUp I'm taking it? Hell no! At least not until Ms.Nasty's shrunk significantly.

Fibrovan is being marketed for fibroids. If you want to know more about this product, you can go here. This company also makes another product marketed for endometriosis which is essentially the same product with added Vitex (Chasteberry), a natural herb to help regulate your hormones. Since Dr.NeverGiveUp is already giving me TCM herbs for my hormones, I didn't want to interfere with it by taking vitex. So I chose Fibrovan instead to try. I will continue to share my findings here. The company claims that these products can be taken for prevention once these diseases are under control. It's not a cure because the root problem of what causes these diseases is still not addressed. But it will keep dissolving the growth of endo and fibroids before they become too big of a problem. 

And just for the record, I am not associated in anyway with the company that makes this product, have not been paid by anybody to write about these products or am I endorsing the product. I am just sharing my personal opinions and experience with you because I am sure a lot of women out there would like to know if this product is a scam. Because it sounds too damn good to be true!   

Quietly, desperately, I am hoping that this is the solution I asked god for. 

Is Ms.Nasty Turning Over A New Leaf?

Ms.Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass gave me a shock today! She measured in at 38mm during my ultrasound scan! That folks, is shockingly good news because she's... Wait for it...

10mm SMALLER! (Gasp! Gasp!)

She has shrunk!

A week ago during my period, she was still the same size, as she always is at all my u/s scans-A big fat 48mm! 

Dr.NeverGiveUp doesn't know what's going on. But I think I do. (More later).

"Can the fluctuations in hormones during a menstrual cycle cause the size to change?" I asked.

"No. Fibroids do not change like that."

 I knew from his expression that he was puzzled, but he kept quiet. And didn't want to offer any explanations. He wasn't treating me for Ms.Nasty but I have been secretly battling Ms.Nasty on my own. And I am hoping that Ms.Nasty's retreat is the result of that, and not a fluke. 

I was so astonished and happy after the u/s scan that I forgot to ask for a picture of it. But Ms.Nasty actually looked smaller. She's flatter and not so round. Oh please, please, puhleeeze let this be a permanent change!

She may have behaved like a saint today, but yesterday, she was one nasty devil, being a real pain in my ass. Literally. Just like clockwork, "Ass-throb Day" turned up on CD10 and attacked me out of nowhere! My rectum felt like it had been impaled by a knife. It was like a major serious period cramp in the wrong place--Up my butt! It was so bad, I had to get off my computer and lie down. If you had a period cramp you could put a heating pad, or massage your tummy, but how do you do that when the pain's inside your ass? I had never had it so bad before and I was seriously contemplating taking a painkiller for it. But I stuck it out. The most intense pain lasted for 20-30 minutes. And then it lingered for a total of 3-4 hours before it vanished! Thank god it did, because if Ms.Nasty's being particularly mean, she can make it last for days.

For a long time I never knew what caused the pain, but after seeing the u/s scan of Ms.Nasty leaning right next to my rectum, I knew she had something to do with it. And for some strange reason, she likes to wreak havoc on CD10. Surprisingly, she went away as quickly as she came. And today, she's even made herself smaller!

Today, I also managed to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp my burning question of the week:

Can sex induce a period? The answer is "Yes!"

For that reason, he advices that women trying to conceive should stay away from sex during the last 3-4 days before their period. So I was panicking for no reason when AF came on 11DPO after sex. Rest assured girls-these things do happen! And talking about sex, he has already scheduled when we should be having sex next-today (Friday), Monday and Wednesday! It's very weird having another man tell me when to have sex!

My next post-I'll let you in on the secret stuff I've been doing behind Dr.NeverGiveU's back and why I think Ms.Nasty has calmed down a notch. Stay tuned.

Warning: Evil Drug

Did you know that one of the options offered by doctors of western medicine for the treatment of endometriosis or fibroids is synthetic drugs which would:

1)  Make me menopausal (WTF??!)  or

2) Turn me into a man (WTF again??!)

HAR.

HAR.

HAR.

What a great frickin' joke! If menopause leads to pregnancies, 

Hey-Hey-Hey! Sign me up NOW! Better yet, since I'm not having much success getting pregnant as a woman, maybe if I turn myself into a man I'd have a better shot at it! 

[By the way, did you know that another prescribed cure for endometriosis is pregnancy? As in...

"Oh? What's that you said? Endometriosis preventing you from getting pregnant? No problem! Just get pregnant and your endometriosis will be cured!" (I have such admiration for the wisdom of modern western medicine, my eyes are welling up...)

Yeah- OxyMORON! ]

Anyhoo, back to that synthetic drug... Therefore, what's the moronic logic that is driving doctors to dish out these drug treatments while sitting there collecting fat paychecks in their shiny "don't-question-me-I've-spent-years-in-med-school-studying" white labcoats? Well, most doctors trained in western medicine believe that these two diseases are fueled by estrogen, which is the stuff that makes you womanly and what makes you function like a woman, such as painting the town red with Aunt Flo every month and ovulating. So by logical deduction, if you keep estrogen on the down low which manifests as options 1 or 2, your problem would go away. Yes, problem solved! 

And then there's the fine print which says, "Not exactly suitable for women trying to get pregnant but since we got nuttin' else, we'll put you on it anyway so we can make a quick buck from you for a few months. For you to actually get pregnant, we will then take you off it since it's stopping you from getting pregnant. Doing so will cause the disease to return immediately and render you unable to get pregnant. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to not solve any problems for you! Good luck!" 

So what is this wonderful synthetic drug that is raking in $800 million in sales annually and making lots of women weep from joy (or its side effects, I'm not sure)? BTW, these side-effects include increased ovarian cancer, irreversible lowering of the voice so you can sound like your dream guy (Yay-now you can finally sing like Barry White), thinning bone problems, permanent disruption to your normal hormonal levels and many other stuff that f*cks up your health real bad. There are several synthethic hormonal therapies out there but one of the commonly prescribed ones is called Lupron.

If you have endometriosis, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you have prostrate cancer, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you have fibroids, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

If you're doing IVF, you've most probably heard of Lupron.

But miracle drug it is not. In fact, it's use is very controversial because it has led to permanent damage in people's health, and even death. It's actually more toxic than people are led to believe. Results of Lupron studies have been found by the U.S. Dept of Health and Services to be falsified. A medical officer for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reported that Lupron should be taken off the market. In 2001, the company that makes Lupron admitted to criminal misconduct over the drug, making it the largest healthcare fraud of that time. Yet it's still being pushed by pharmaceutical companies and doctors today. FDA's verdict on this issue is still pending. Some doctors now believe the risks outweigh the benefits. A nurse, Lynn Millican, who has suffered terribly from the effects of Lupron during IVF treatments is now fronting a legal battle against the drug. She also made a testimony to the United States Senate about her findings on Lupron. It reveals a lot of dodgy stuff about drugs in ART that ordinary women don't know about. Her testimony can be downloaded here.  

It scares me that the dangers of drugs like this one are still downplayed.

It scares me that government bodies that are set up to protect people from these health dangers are not doing their jobs.

It scares me that women tolerate the prolific use of this drug because they weren't educated about the severity of the risks by their doctors, or have a misguided notion that doctors know best.

It scares me that doctors are in denial about the dangers of this drug and have no qualms about letting their patients use this drug since they themselves are not the ones having to deal with its consequences anyway.

I have no doubt in my mind that mainstream medicine today is largely motivated by money~Not compassion. 

It makes me terribly upset that women are led to believe that they have to take such risks with their lives and suffer such hardships on their bodies to have the baby of their dreams, or to be free from the pain of endo and fibroids. 

If Lupron crosses your path, please consider it very wisely and carefully. It is evil, EVIL stuff! 

Meet Ms.Nasty

I finally managed to get a picture of my ultrasound, starring my big fat adenomyosis-slash-fibroid growth, whom I named Ms.Nasty.

During my last period, she measured in at a whopping 4.8cm ~ about the size of a plum. Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks it is a mixture of blood vessels and muscle tissue. He doesn't recommend surgery because it is not possible to do it without cutting away and damaging the uterine wall. I think he might be right because another patient who has the same growth as me in the same spot had all her other fibroids surgically removed except this one. And even if I did have surgery, it does not address the other adeno spots around my ute which cannot be removed. The only known "cure" for adeno today is a hysterectomy. So it looks like I have to live with Ms.Nasty. Ugh!

Here she is seen from the front. She sits in the centre at the bottom of my ute, bulging into the uterine cavity like a movie star desperate for attention.

Here is a side view of her resting against the back wall of my uterus towards the rectum (right of the image) in a spot commonly known as the Pouch of Douglas or Douglas Cul-De-Sac.  (I'm almost expecting to see a few houses there!) Now I am sure my Ass-Throb days are caused by Ms.Nasty throwing a tantrum every now and then!  

I asked Dr.NeverGiveUp if she could be nasty enough to stop hub's sperm from getting through (I'm thinking road block here). But he thinks it won't be an issue because sperm is very small  and they can get past Ms.Nasty fine. Well, I'm still concerned because hub's sperm aren't exactly olympian swimmers and you'd think they'd be so pooped after swimming over that gigantic mountain that they'd be too exhausted to swim any further, let alone find the right tube where eggy is before the time is up! Well, the only hope is that the chinese meds he's giving my husband will actually help them become super sperm!

As for pregnancy, the biggest issue for me is where implantation happens. If the fertilized egg implants on the upper region of the uterine cavity, as far away as possible from Ms.Nasty, then I have a shot! Unfortunately, not even IVF can help with this. IVF cannot determine where implantation occurs. I always thought I could do IVF as a last resort. But no. IVF cannot help my cause. 

Sadly, western medicine offers me little or nothing at all in my quest to have a baby. Neither surgery nor IVF is going to help. Traditional Chinese Medicine is the only way for me. I have no choice. 

Maybe it's why I've always believed in my heart that I will have a baby au natural. If and when I have my baby, it's going to be nothing less than a Miracle Baby!

Hope

I've had the worst diagnosis I've heard in years about my infertility at my new clinic. And the news keeps getting worse. 

I have an enlarged and deformed uterus. WTF? During my last ultrasound scan, Dr.NeverGiveUp and his wife, Dr.DontWorry were poring over my u/s image and speaking busily amongst themselves. They were paying close attention to it and making notes in a way that I've never seen them do. I couldn't understand them as they were speaking in chinese but I knew from their body language that they were really concerned. After wiping myself down, I sat down and probed them about what they saw. 


Here's the bad news:

They said that my uterus is large and inflated like a round ball. A normal uterus is about 7.5 x 5 x 2.5 cm (length x width x thickness) . Mine is 9 x 8.5 x 7.5 cm! The endo and adeno has grown so extensively that my ute has swelled up like a ball. Is that why I look perpetually pregnant? Oh the irony! It is so distorted that the cervix has shifted to the left. The fibroid-looking mass is at the base growing from the back wall and extends into the cavity of the uterus, possibly exerting pressure on my rectum too. That probably explains my "ass-throb" days! He thinks it might not be a fibroid but more like an adenomyoma with tissue and blood inside, but he said I could call it a fbroid (?). I'm guessing he can't make a conclusive report from an ultrasound because the only definitive diagnosis for adeno is a microscopic biopsy after hysterectomy, which, hell yeah I'm gonna have!  He says surgery is not an option for me as that meant cutting into the uterus extensively. I don't think much of my uterus would be left behind after that. A patient of his, by some strange coincidence, has a uterus almost identical to mine, with the same size, shape, distortion, fibroid mass in the same location, and shifted cervix. Her doctor told her she could never have children...

According to Dr.NeverGiveUp, a uterus as bad as mine would have been in the making for many, many years. I am upset that within the last 2 years, two different gynaecologists who scanned me before and after my miscarriage failed to tell me that my uterus was abnormal. They only mentioned that it was retroverted and it was clear of cysts. Dr.NeverGiveUp explained that it was common for doctors not to say anything if the condition can't be helped or if it isn't life threatening. So what are your doctors NOT telling you? At least now I know that TCM doc's treatments over the past year did not do this to me. Considering the extent of my problem, any lack of progress from his treatments is totally understandable!

But here's the good news:

The patient with the identical abnormal ute is now pregnant (WOW!), 6 months after Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatments. I have hope! She is at 14 weeks and they are monitoring her closely. Dr.NeverGiveUp so kindly showed me her ultrasound and I could see her little baby in a sac sitting above and away from the fibroid. I am so rooting for her! He has said to me before that our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt. That there are many, many places and spots in the womb where an egg will find to implant itself. If it implants on a good spot, then it could survive. So even with his treatments, "It's all a game of chance right?" I asked. "Yes" he replied with a matter of fact. "And up to God". Hmmm, haven't I heard that somewhere before? Well, I do appreciate his honesty. There are risks and complications for these types of pregnancies but he believes that if the egg and sperm quality are good to begin with, the embryo has a good fighting chance for survival. And he firmly believes that my inability to conceive is largely because of my hormone imbalance-not the endo or the fibroid/adeno.

Thinking back, it is such a miracle that I managed to get pregnant last year with this busted uterus! And plausible that I couldn't sustain it because my hormonal levels were not right or that the egg/sperm quality were not good to begin with. Hmmm... All of Dr.NeverGiveUp's theories might just be right! But he says that I have a tough road ahead  (don't you just love his honesty?) and that I should expect to be treated for a year. He says there's no way to predict how long it would take for me to conceive. A woman with worse adeno than me conceived after 9 months. Some who couldn't conceive for 6 years conceived within 2 months after his treatments. The longest patient he had was treated for 2 years before she conceived at age 42. The bottom line is, I should not give up. He said that nobody should tell me that I can never have a baby. I love this guy! 

I was devastated when I learned how bad my condition was. I cried my heart out at the impossibility of having a baby with the challenges we have. But I've picked myself off the floor now and wiped away my tears.


I have hope.

And I have Dr.NeverGiveUp's help.


It might take me at least 9 months or more than a year to conceive. But I am going to make everyday count. Now I have time to work off the weight I always wanted to lose before a pregnancy. I have time to work up my fitness level so that I can be a fit mom. I have time to eat right and get healthy so that I will have a healthy pregnancy.
  
Yes, I'm going to make everyday that I am waiting count. 

"Bloody" Bad News

My hormonal bloodwork came back. It's bad news as I had expected.

My hormone levels are crap.

And one thing that freaked me out was when my results for CA-125 (Cancer Antigen 125) indicated cancer in the ovaries! Fuck right? Then I found out that it wasn't a reliable way to screen for cancer and that elevated levels are also present in women who have endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disorders, fibroids or women who are menstruating or are pregnant. Stress kills fertility. Yup! Mine just about died there and then when I saw my CA-125 results! 

Anyway, for those of you who love, love, love numbers, here are some of my bloodwork stats based on mid-luteal phase parameters:

- My progesterone level is low @ 8.13 (should be 7.96-23.37)

- My estradiol is ok according to the doctor even though it looks high to me @245 (should be 90-220) 

- My testosterone levels are a bit high @ 0.86 (should be 0.14-0.76)

- My FSH is at 2.7

- My CA-125 is @63.8 (should be <35)

I have a tonne of questions about my blood test for my doctor because I wasn't quite lucid when I got the results. My brain had shut down due to the period cramps I was having then. As I had expected, all my icy cold coke indulgence the weeks before came back to haunt me. (Docs told me to avoid icy drinks for my condition) Well, it was really fun while it lasted.  So, it was CD1 and my cramps were increasing in intensity as I waited for my turn in the clinic. My torture was exacerbated by the 1.5 L (about 50 fl oz or 6.5 cups) of water I had to drink and hold in my very full bladder, required for the ultrasound scan. Oh yeah-more bad news: my fibroid looks to be about 4.8cm (almost 2") now as opposed to 3cm last week. The doctor also said my tests indicate poor egg quality.

Sigh! When will this bad-news-avalanche ever come to a stop? 

So what are the chances of a couple with
-endometriosis
-adenomyosis
-fibroids
-imbalanced hormones
-infrequent ovulation
-poor quality eggs
-low sperm count
-low sperm morphology
-low sperm motility
-mature age factor


have for getting pregnant? That's a freakin' long list of problems!

Our chances sound pretty damn awful don't it?

According to what I've read, here are more stats for those who, again, love, love, love numbers:

- fibroids that distort the shape of the uterus decrease fertility by 70%

- endometriosis decreases fertility by up to 36% 

- by age 40, fertility rates drop by 95%

I don't even have stats on the impact of adenomyosis, or hormonal imbalance or sperm issues on fertility (I'm assuming it's not 0%) but let's tally up the numbers I already have:

100% fertility-70%-36%-95% = -101%

I'm no math genius, but that is a MINUS fertility rate. MINUS 101%! My chances are freakin' awful. I am sure there is at least one doctor out there who will tell me that I have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant...  Thankfully, my new fertility doctors have not said that to me (I have 2-it's a husband and wife team). They told me not to give up hope, but it was going to be tough for me. 

It's going to be really tough.

---------

On a side note: It's CD4 today. I went to the gym today. This is unheard of as I am usually still in agony locked in my room from endo/period pain on Day 4. I did have cramps on CD1 and 2, but the intensity and duration is half of what it normally is. I have not stained my panties or bed with overflow (not once!) this time which means my flow is normal and manageable now. The clinic did give me some herbal medicine for my cramps. It's the first time any herbal formula has worked for my pain, which to me is remarkable! When I took them, my pain was greatly reduced to just an annoying ache within 2 hours. Amazing-this is all plant stuff! The doctor was not kidding when she said the pills were "really, really good for cramps". If this is any indication of how good these TCM docs and their herbal medicine are, then, a spark of hope has finally been rekindled in my heart...

Broken

This week is Infertility Awareness Week (USA).

And what an apt time it is for me to find out that I am even more infertile than I thought I was.

Yes, I have heartbreaking news about my latest diagnosis. An ultrasound at my new fertility clinic revealed that I not only have endometriosis (endometrial growth outside the uterus that causes adhesions, inflamation and scarring) which I already knew I had. But now I also have adenomyosis (endometriosis that occurs inside the uterus) and a 3cm fibroid in my uterus.

In simple English, my uterus is really fucked up! It is full of abnormal growths which are distorting its shape and decreases my fertility by 70%. My uterus is retroverted. The growths also make it difficult for an embryo to find a suitable spot to implant. The fibroid could also be blocking the passage of DH's sperm to my egg. This may not be the end of my bad news, as I am still waiting for my hormonal bloodwork to come back.

I am devastated. I've been depressed the whole week. My eyes are the size of tennis balls from all that crying. We have such an uphill struggle.


My body is broken.



My heart, is broken.