Back From Java

Hi Folks!

I'm back from my trip to Central Java. It was a spectacular but equally exhausting trip. My sight-seeing trips are hardly relaxing vacations - waking up at pre-dawn and out the door on our bicycles by 6a.m. to catch the sights in early morning light is not what I'd call "relaxing". But we had a great time!

[Sillhouette of the Prambanan Temples]

[Temples of Prambanan]

[Dieng Plateau]

[Boiling cauldron of mud steaming up from Sikidang Volcanic Crater]

[Borobudur Temple in the Mist]

[Borobudur Temple at Sunset]

And of course something had to give - all our scheduled baby-making, BBT charting and ovulation monitoring went out the window! I didn't even pee on a single stick, so all my OPKs chalked up quite a lot of frequent flyer miles for this round-trip! 

I had an appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp the day after we got back and he pretty much confirmed my suspicions that this cycle was a bust. The u/s scan didn't show any ovulation-ready follicles and my lining had already thicken to 16mm. My BBT had not risen and was still low which indicated that my progesterone levels were insufficient, and that ovulation likely did not happen. So I'm pretty sure there won't be a Borobudur Baby.

But Dr.NeverGiveUp was so pleased with my lining. He spoke as if he was looking at fine art and kept saying with awe that it was the most beautiful he had ever seen (in my history). He pointed at some curvy white bit on the monitor and said that the lining was thick and very distinctive-"perfect". Well, it's a relief that at least my body got something right!

During our consultation, Dr.NeverGiveUp again shared one of his success stories - apparently one of his patients found out the day before that she was pregnant. She was 40 yrs old and infertile for 7 years. She had conceived on the 4th month under his treatment and on the same month that she started taking royal jelly. He was trying to reassure me that I need not worry and that I just had to be patient because I can still conceive at my age. I mean, good for all these women, but - When is it EVER gonna be my turn? Sigh!

So now I'm back on royal jelly@bee spit. You don't know how much I deplore taking this stuff. I'm still trying to perfect my technique of swallowing this snot-like jelly without ever tasting or smelling it. The other day I squeezed my nose shut with my fingers and put it in my mouth. The texture is so gross it took me quite a few seconds to convince my throat to swallow it. Then I tried to mask it by drinking some water and then eating some sweet pastry stuff, all while pinching my nose. Gawd! Do you know how hard it is to eat something without being able to exhale or breathe? I still had my nose pinched tight, and it took an immense amount of coordination to eat like that because crumbs were flying out of my mouth as I exhaled through it. LOL! Thinking that it was all clear, I released my nose and the lingering waft of bee-spit still made me gag straight away. The kitchen sink was 2 feet away and it took all the effort I had not to hurl into it. Conclusion about sweet pastry experiment: Gargantuan FAIL! The next time I battled bee spit again, I tried the same technique but ate Halls medicated cough drops instead. The pungent menthol fumes seem to help a lot, and this is by far the best masking agent. So this takes the horror a bit out of my bee-spit saga! And to think, Dr.NeverGiveUp actually said that he eventually learned to like the taste of it (he's taking it for anti-aging/cancer reasons). "It tastes quite nice!" he says. He also suggested freezing it so you can take it like ice-cream! Like freezing poop into popsicles actually make poop taste good! 

So anyway, it's CD35 now, my ute's feeling a little tender and Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my period will probably happen within a week. Sadly, it looks like there won't be any BFP this cycle. At least the sex was good!

A Quickie

• Hubs and I are going off to explore the ruins of Java, namely Borobudur and Prambanan! Our flight leaves on Friday morning. Woohoo!

• Ovulation seems to be as elusive as ever but I am bringing a healthy supply of OPKs to pee on!

• I spent a good 15 minutes dispensing and prepacking all my TCM herbal pills and fertility supplements for the trip. There are so many pills, I felt like a freakin' pharmacy! 

• I am not taking Bee Spit (Royal Jelly) along with me. It requires refridgeration and I'm not sure my hotel room has a fridge-since the hotels where we are visiting are pretty no-frills. You can't imagine how happy I am to have an excuse not to take this stuff! 

• The Bee Spit taste is so strong that it even lingers in the water bottle I drink from to wash it down with. When I took a sip from the bottle later, the horrendous Bee Spit smell almost made me gag straight away. I realized that it wasn't so much the taste, but the afwul aroma it exudes that drills into every cell of your olfactory. And stays there! Since smell is so much a part of the taste experience, I find that if I hold my nose shut and down the Bee Spit in one gulp takes the horror off a little bit. Man! This stuff is potent!

• Thanks for all the show of love and support you gals have given me, especially in regards to my latest hormonal findings. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep up with your blogs while I'm away, but I'll catch up when I get back. Hope things are going well for you whichever IF journey you're on and hope to receive some happy news when I return!  

Adios!

We're Back!

YES! Me and my eggs are back! After what seemed like forever, my eggs which had been MIA since November have finally shown up!

I got a "Woohoo" on CD 18 (27th January)-- It's one of the puuuurtiest lines I have ever seen - on an OPK that is! Sadly, those elusive double HPT lines are still nowhere to be seen though...

Sorry for being MIA myself from the blogosphere for so long. It's been a wonderful break for me mentally. Having been absent here has probably done me quite a lot of good - I found myself obsessing and stressing less about my infertility and my Houdini eggs. But I've really missed you guys - I have so much of catching up to do.

So much time and stuff have passed since my last post. Where do I begin....? First of all, I guess a "Happy New Year" is in order! I can't believe we're already into the second month of the year! I hope everyone has had a great start to the new year and that this will be the year that dreams will be fulfilled for all the IF sisters here.

As for me, I am still trying to come to grips with the awful failure that 2009 was for me. I came into 2010 feeling very, very angry and frustrated. I wasn't feeling like I was given a new start. I wasn't in any mood to make any new resolutions. I wasn't feeling inspired or excited. It basically felt like 2010 was just an on-going, prolonging of 2009's misery.  Even the New Year's Eve party I hosted did little to bring any meaning or real joy to my life. I needed to escape from all this misery of unfulfilled TTC goals and desires.

And so escape I did - to Boracay. When I came back from my beach vacation in December (which was at Pangkor Island, a small little island off the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia - for all of you who asked) I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get away again to some island paradise. So in the 2 weeks that I was back, I feverishly did my research and settled for a vacation in beautiful Boracay, an island in the Philippines which is reknowned for it's brilliantly white powdery sand and clear, blue waters, as shown on the internetz.

After the mad dash to make our house look party-ready (and clean!) for the festivities, cooking for two Christmas dinners and one major New Year's Eve party, and doing the dreaded after-party clean-ups, AND planning the whole vacation basically all by myself within those two weeks, I was SO ready to escape to paradise for some R&R! Without any time to rest after New Year's, we packed our bags, spending every waking minute figuring out how to squeeze everything within the 10 kg (22 lbs) limit per person! Wow! What a feat it was! We have never travelled so lightly for an international trip before! On January 3rd, we left the house at 4 (IN THE MORNING!) to catch our flight and be on our way to our well-earned vacay.

Our budget airline (AirAsia, which was surprisingly pretty good) took us to Clark Airbase in Luzon, Phillipines. Getting to paradise wasn't going to be that easy as we had to take another plane to Boracay in the morning from Clark. That meant spending a night in transit. Well, Clark, which is an  ex-US airforce base is rather "interesting" to say the least. Angeles, the town around it, has for many years been servicing these army men and had developed quite a thriving sex industry there. Although Clark has been given back to the Philippines and the marines have left, the sex tourism is still there, and ex-marines have been coming back. Thankfully there weren't a lot of babies around - just plenty of sex. Well THAT- an IF sister can handle! Just not the sight of babies and pregnant women.

Everywhere we went, we saw old, fat, balding, (did I mention OLD) white men with YOUNG tiny Filipino girls. And I mean EVERYWHERE- in the hotel, in the streets, in the restaurants! We were the only same-race couple there. Possibly in the whole town! The hotel we booked was rated No.2 by Tripadvisor. Must be pretty decent right? So you can imagine our surprise when we found out that it had a popular lounge that boasted of some 80 sexy girls for "you"!! As you would expect there were more of those dodgy couples all over our hotel, some making out at the poolside, but at least they were generally pretty discreet. Thankfully the walls in our rooms were solid concrete and blocked out any noise. Infact, funnily enough, everything was built out of concrete into the walls - the wardrobe, the dressing table, even the bedside tables-all guaranteed to stay put from any... err.. shall I say "friction". Odd? Wait till you see the "red light".

I was lying in bed when I noticed one red bulb above me placed between 2 normal bulbs. What's that for? Maybe they ran out of regular bulbs? It had its own dedicated switch. Ohhh....! It eventually dawned on me that it was purely for no other reason than for SEX! Yes, we had our own little red light district in our bedroom! LOL!

Maybe it's to warn people outside the windows that the room was getting a little action? Maybe it's suppose to make us feel like prostitutes - a little "dirty" and risque? Maybe it's suppose to make us look sexy with a red glow on our skin???? Well, I can tell you that it felt anything but sexy - it felt like I was in a photo processing darkroom! One thing's for sure, no pregnancies came out of our little red light rendezvous! We can rule out that red light for TTC! 

And so we eventually got to Boracay on a little propeller plane. Now that I am back, I am still looking for my little private paradise. Boracay was certainly beautiful when you look out straight ahead into the clear, azure ocean lapping gently on the gorgeous white powder. But look left, and you'll see one million people on the beach. Look right and you'll see another guzillion people on the beach. This is what Boracay really looks like:

It feels like downtown on a patch of sand. The beach is a perpetual foot highway for human migration going to and from the mall (yes there's a mall). And the beautiful postcard colours are visible only morning till noon when the light is behind you. The sunset's gorgeous no doubt. This is paradise for some, but not for me. I am fussy when it comes to finding my perfect beach getaway. My heart is still yearning for a piece of private paradise somewhere. My soul is still looking for a moment of absolute bliss and peace surrounded by perfect beauty. After the past year of TTC failures, my soul needs some healing of sorts and I will continue looking for my sanctuary. It will be a place of uplifting beauty to rest and reconnect with myself and my husband - not with a million people. Though that one night of dancing at the club was really fun! ;-)

Sorry for having morphed this into a travel blog but this was what occupied me for the better part of January 2010! 

So stay tuned for more news - ie:

• My first TCM diagnosis back after the vacay... 
• Defecting to another TCM doctor... 
• New acupuncture horrors...
• New drug (herbal) dealer....
• Another year older...
• And another "Should-I-book-my-vacation-now-or-wait-till-a-BFN-what-if-I'm-pregnant-should-I-travel-especially-after-how-I-lost-my-baby-while-travelling" saga!

Plenty of topics to keep me occupied during my 2WW!

Luv to all you IF sisters out there! 

Zengirl

xoxo

PS-It'll take me a while to sort my shit out with all these changes and get back to blogging regularly, but I'll be touching base with your blogs by and by. For all the gals who have had BFPs while I was gone and have brought their babies into the world, my heart is bursting with joy for you - Congratulations! You know who you are! And for those still struggling on the TTC journey with me, keep going! We'll find a way! God bless us and keep us strong!

Back From Paradise!

What a wonderful gift my soul received! Our vacation at the beach was just what my soul and body needed! It had been so long since I had been excited and passionate about something other than TTC! I had such a great time reconnecting with DH and enjoying nature's gifts - I was even eager to wake up early so that I could go out and have as many hours as I could in the sun! For a nocturnal creature like myself that hardly sees daylight and prefers the quiet hours of the night, that says A LOT!

I can't tell you how great it was not having to think and plan about making babies. No precision timing, no thinking about BBTs the minute you wake up, no obsessing about getting the damn positive lines on the pee sticks, no boiling herbal medicines, no charting anything on Fertility Friend, no foods to avoid. Absolutely no pressures or thoughts about TTC at all! I could have even thrown away my watch and just be in the moment with hubby, enjoying what we had with no thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow. 


I had such a wonderful time that I have already started planning my next beach vacation! I know - I just got back! We are planning to go away in early January 2010 right after New Years. That leaves us just shy of 2 weeks to decide and plan where to go. I've practically checked out every island/beach destination around the world that has good weather for this period. Googling and researching all this with great enthusiasm has certainly taken my mind off TTC!


It was a real drag going back to see my TCM doc again on Monday though. For the first time in the past year, I really didn't want to be there. After reading my pulse, he had both good and bad news for me: 


The Good News - I am not heaty nor cold anymore. My body has finally balanced itself out! I swear it must have been all that sun-My body is normally ice cold and despite eating ice-cream, and having icy cold water and soda throughout my vacation, I had actually warmed up! Damn! A beach vacation is good for me! 


The Bad News - My liver hormones are stressed.


What?


Stressed? But I feel great and happy and light! I had destressed completely during my fun in the sun! ??!! I really have no idea why this is happening! I guess my body is still figuring what to do about my MIA egg! Ever since eggy decided not to show up, my whole cycle has been really weird. (TMI Warning): I'm now somewhere on CD37 or thereabouts and I have been spotting dark blood with some small tiny clots the past 7 days. I have no idea if this is AF or not! Understandably, my BBT never saw the biphasic pattern that follows ovulation, and so there isn't a drop back down to note that AF is here. Obviously the lining is trying to shed and I want it to shed so that I can start off with some fresh lining the next cycle. There is however blood stasis in my body and I asked my TCM doc if could give me something to help my blood flow. Initially he didn't want to mess with my hormones, but in the end he decided he would change my herbal medicine to help it along. I've had one dose so far, and, nothing... No change. My uterus is just one stubborn B*tch! But at least I am in no pain whatsoever! 


I can't believe Christmas is just 10 days away! I haven't put up a single Christmas ornament up, and I haven't even begun to plan my Christmas dinner menu which I am hosting for both my family and my in-laws! My house is a mess and I haven't finished my christmas shopping either. But I am still feeling high from my vacation. I feel GOOD! I am still reminiscing about my holiday in the sun...

We stayed in these rooms. We were surrounded by beautiful landscaping and two pools. The first photo above at the start of the post was the view from one of the pools we were chilling in:

We were visited by monkeys from the adjacent forest reserve. Here they are peeking through my hotel room window. (Our rooms had the view of the sea) These monkeys are known to open unlocked doors and steal things from your room or balcony! We constantly had to keep our eyes on our belongings - even at the beach! 

The resort had a very wide private beach that sloped very gently into the sea:

Hornbills were also regular visitors at our resort. They come to feed on tropical fruit left out by the hotel staff during sunset. 

There's a resident cat who happens to love lounging on one particular deck chair next to the swimming pool. He was there almost everyday - as soon as guests vacated that chair! 

I expected rain, but the weather had been wonderfully sunny. And we had gorgeous sunsets that brought a beautiful end to our day of fun in the sun!

(Photo credits go to hubs)

I can't wait to get away again and lose myself in some island paradise with hubs...

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

Yay! A Vacay!

My dear hubs and I will be going away for a much needed R&R tomorrow. It will be our first vacation since my miscarriage, which  happened during our last vacation... I can't believe we haven't had a break since. It's been so long!

On the TTC front, I seriously doubt I will be ovulating at all this month considering it's already CD29. Of course I will be extremely disappointed as there's little probability of a BFP as the final cycle of the year draws to an end. But this means I will be going away with little pressure about getting fertilized!!! No OPKs, no thermometers, no charting, no googling about 2WW symptoms, no worries about miscarrying! It will just be me, hubby, beach, sand, surf, sun (hopefully!), food (lots of sinful, anti-TTC ones) and romance.

I hope AF doesn't show up then and ruin the party! I really have no idea when she will make an appearance because this cycle has been really odd. Anyone have any idea what triggers a period if ovulation doesn't even occur? I guess there's nothing I can do now except to just go with the flow, not stress and think "softly", as doctor ordered! It's a time to let go, to breathe and just be.

I will not be around to read or comment on your blogs, but I will catch up when I get back. I hope to hear lots of good news about BFPs when I get back! So good luck to all of you for the rest of your cycles!

And I'm off! Vacation.... Here I COME!