Ovulation Mystery

Yikes! I might have missed my ovulation date this cycle!

I went in for my u/s scan yesterday, which was CD16 and the scan was inconclusive. Dr.NeverGiveUp said that the follicles looked unclear, which may indicate that I might have just ovulated. WHAT? The odds of that is pretty low, considering my history of no-show eggs or extremely late ovulation. So if I did ovulate this early, it's quite a shocker!

I POAS today, CD17, to see if there is an LH surge on the OPK. Well, the test line is almost as dark as the control line. This could mean 2 things - the LH is building up and I will ovulate soon, or that I am catching the tail end of the surge. Aaarghh! Wish I knew which it was! My BBT has also been pretty low all this cycle. I am to go in on Friday to have another scan to reevaluate where I'm at. Hopefully we'll know what's happening then.

Right now I am so confused. But still hopeful.

We're Back!

YES! Me and my eggs are back! After what seemed like forever, my eggs which had been MIA since November have finally shown up!

I got a "Woohoo" on CD 18 (27th January)-- It's one of the puuuurtiest lines I have ever seen - on an OPK that is! Sadly, those elusive double HPT lines are still nowhere to be seen though...

Sorry for being MIA myself from the blogosphere for so long. It's been a wonderful break for me mentally. Having been absent here has probably done me quite a lot of good - I found myself obsessing and stressing less about my infertility and my Houdini eggs. But I've really missed you guys - I have so much of catching up to do.

So much time and stuff have passed since my last post. Where do I begin....? First of all, I guess a "Happy New Year" is in order! I can't believe we're already into the second month of the year! I hope everyone has had a great start to the new year and that this will be the year that dreams will be fulfilled for all the IF sisters here.

As for me, I am still trying to come to grips with the awful failure that 2009 was for me. I came into 2010 feeling very, very angry and frustrated. I wasn't feeling like I was given a new start. I wasn't in any mood to make any new resolutions. I wasn't feeling inspired or excited. It basically felt like 2010 was just an on-going, prolonging of 2009's misery.  Even the New Year's Eve party I hosted did little to bring any meaning or real joy to my life. I needed to escape from all this misery of unfulfilled TTC goals and desires.

And so escape I did - to Boracay. When I came back from my beach vacation in December (which was at Pangkor Island, a small little island off the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia - for all of you who asked) I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get away again to some island paradise. So in the 2 weeks that I was back, I feverishly did my research and settled for a vacation in beautiful Boracay, an island in the Philippines which is reknowned for it's brilliantly white powdery sand and clear, blue waters, as shown on the internetz.

After the mad dash to make our house look party-ready (and clean!) for the festivities, cooking for two Christmas dinners and one major New Year's Eve party, and doing the dreaded after-party clean-ups, AND planning the whole vacation basically all by myself within those two weeks, I was SO ready to escape to paradise for some R&R! Without any time to rest after New Year's, we packed our bags, spending every waking minute figuring out how to squeeze everything within the 10 kg (22 lbs) limit per person! Wow! What a feat it was! We have never travelled so lightly for an international trip before! On January 3rd, we left the house at 4 (IN THE MORNING!) to catch our flight and be on our way to our well-earned vacay.

Our budget airline (AirAsia, which was surprisingly pretty good) took us to Clark Airbase in Luzon, Phillipines. Getting to paradise wasn't going to be that easy as we had to take another plane to Boracay in the morning from Clark. That meant spending a night in transit. Well, Clark, which is an  ex-US airforce base is rather "interesting" to say the least. Angeles, the town around it, has for many years been servicing these army men and had developed quite a thriving sex industry there. Although Clark has been given back to the Philippines and the marines have left, the sex tourism is still there, and ex-marines have been coming back. Thankfully there weren't a lot of babies around - just plenty of sex. Well THAT- an IF sister can handle! Just not the sight of babies and pregnant women.

Everywhere we went, we saw old, fat, balding, (did I mention OLD) white men with YOUNG tiny Filipino girls. And I mean EVERYWHERE- in the hotel, in the streets, in the restaurants! We were the only same-race couple there. Possibly in the whole town! The hotel we booked was rated No.2 by Tripadvisor. Must be pretty decent right? So you can imagine our surprise when we found out that it had a popular lounge that boasted of some 80 sexy girls for "you"!! As you would expect there were more of those dodgy couples all over our hotel, some making out at the poolside, but at least they were generally pretty discreet. Thankfully the walls in our rooms were solid concrete and blocked out any noise. Infact, funnily enough, everything was built out of concrete into the walls - the wardrobe, the dressing table, even the bedside tables-all guaranteed to stay put from any... err.. shall I say "friction". Odd? Wait till you see the "red light".

I was lying in bed when I noticed one red bulb above me placed between 2 normal bulbs. What's that for? Maybe they ran out of regular bulbs? It had its own dedicated switch. Ohhh....! It eventually dawned on me that it was purely for no other reason than for SEX! Yes, we had our own little red light district in our bedroom! LOL!

Maybe it's to warn people outside the windows that the room was getting a little action? Maybe it's suppose to make us feel like prostitutes - a little "dirty" and risque? Maybe it's suppose to make us look sexy with a red glow on our skin???? Well, I can tell you that it felt anything but sexy - it felt like I was in a photo processing darkroom! One thing's for sure, no pregnancies came out of our little red light rendezvous! We can rule out that red light for TTC! 

And so we eventually got to Boracay on a little propeller plane. Now that I am back, I am still looking for my little private paradise. Boracay was certainly beautiful when you look out straight ahead into the clear, azure ocean lapping gently on the gorgeous white powder. But look left, and you'll see one million people on the beach. Look right and you'll see another guzillion people on the beach. This is what Boracay really looks like:

It feels like downtown on a patch of sand. The beach is a perpetual foot highway for human migration going to and from the mall (yes there's a mall). And the beautiful postcard colours are visible only morning till noon when the light is behind you. The sunset's gorgeous no doubt. This is paradise for some, but not for me. I am fussy when it comes to finding my perfect beach getaway. My heart is still yearning for a piece of private paradise somewhere. My soul is still looking for a moment of absolute bliss and peace surrounded by perfect beauty. After the past year of TTC failures, my soul needs some healing of sorts and I will continue looking for my sanctuary. It will be a place of uplifting beauty to rest and reconnect with myself and my husband - not with a million people. Though that one night of dancing at the club was really fun! ;-)

Sorry for having morphed this into a travel blog but this was what occupied me for the better part of January 2010! 

So stay tuned for more news - ie:

• My first TCM diagnosis back after the vacay... 
• Defecting to another TCM doctor... 
• New acupuncture horrors...
• New drug (herbal) dealer....
• Another year older...
• And another "Should-I-book-my-vacation-now-or-wait-till-a-BFN-what-if-I'm-pregnant-should-I-travel-especially-after-how-I-lost-my-baby-while-travelling" saga!

Plenty of topics to keep me occupied during my 2WW!

Luv to all you IF sisters out there! 

Zengirl

xoxo

PS-It'll take me a while to sort my shit out with all these changes and get back to blogging regularly, but I'll be touching base with your blogs by and by. For all the gals who have had BFPs while I was gone and have brought their babies into the world, my heart is bursting with joy for you - Congratulations! You know who you are! And for those still struggling on the TTC journey with me, keep going! We'll find a way! God bless us and keep us strong!

Can't Find My Eggs!

It's CD21 and my eggs are still missing in action! I think they've gone on STRIKE! There's usually a small storm brewing inside my ute leading up to ovulation but it's been eerily calm in there. There are no twangs, no twinges, no twitches, no pain, no fluttering! No nothing whatsoever! So I know it's not just the OPKs being their usual evil selves.

I'm really sick of the OPK's negative attitude and all, but my BBT and Fertility Friend (some friend!) seem to be in agreement with the OPKs too! It sounds like one hell of a conspiracy going on! But what can I do?

So, since my mountain of negative OPK collection over the last few days has almost reached the height of Mt Everest, I've stopped hoping obsessively for a pregnancy and have let go of that dream for this cycle. I've decided that I am not going to be all sobby and devastated if things are not going well from this point on. (Har! Har! We shall see about that when AF comes! I'm a habitual liar!) I've been putting myself under such insane pressure for nothing! Just a few days ago, this desperate-knocked-up-wannabe bawled her eyes out when hubs did not want to have sex with her because it was already very late and he had an early golf session the next morning! This desperate-knocked-up-wannabe has never cried over sex rejections, but it's like - ovulation might happen any minute now and "What? You wanna give up having a baby over golf? Golf is more important than a baby? I've been working so hard trying to make my body ready for conception and all you care about is golf?" Of course DH felt bad and apologized after that with some loving sexercise. But I didn't even ovulate the next day, or even the day after that! All that drama for nothing! So no more obsessing and worrying!

Of course I am sad and annoyed as hell over my MIA eggs! But letting go has been quite freeing! I'm like, "Whatever!" If I ovulate, I'll give myself a pat on the back, and if I don't, well then, "Whatever!"

I've broken my wheat-free, dairy-free, caffeine-free, organic diet practically every day since Thanksgiving's scrumptious and sinfully delicious spread! Today, I even had three sips of some super-strong and super-sweet Indian style chai/tea with milk -- something my TCM doc had absolutely banned me from having because it is super cooling! It's like giving chocolate to a dog - soooooo yummy but soooooo toxic for me! And the cha-cha's decided to have a break tonight too from all that work, work, work! (The cha-cha never got the memo that Baby Dancing was fun!)

So what's next? My eggs might still decide to turn up. You know, well, Whatever! I definitely know what I'm NOT gonna be doing--

I'm not gonna be holding my breath!

"O" Woes

I've been sitting around drumming my fingers, waiting for ovulation to happen, but it hasn't happened yet. I should have O'd a day or two ago, but my ovaries are probably either daydreaming or have decided to follow another planetary time zone! So POAS madness has kicked in. I am now waiting for the next pee-on-a-stick session that requires a 4-hour minimum wait. Hmm... Another hour to go... Fingers drumming...drumming...drumming...

It's just so weird that I don't know what my own body is up to! Hello me? What's going on dear me? What am I up to in there? My body must be one of the greatest mysteries in this milky way!

So this is how the ovulation drama is unfolding: On Thursday/Thanksgiving, my OPK was half positive. That meant that my LH was on it's way up. Well, damn I thought-you're actually on time! I was impressed! Friday came around and my BBT had plunged from 97.8˚F to 97.3˚F. A dip in temperature normally indicates ovulation. Hot dang! Ovulation! Woohoo! But my OPK was NEGATIVE! No sign of any luteinizing hormone anywhere. Zip! Nil! ZERO! WTF??? So no "O"!

I went to see my TCM doc later in the day and told him that I should be ovulating soon so I might not need moxa, because he did tell me that I cannot have moxa when I am ovulating or have ovulated because the egg does not like it when it's too hot. So he proceeded to read my pulse and tells me,

"You're not hot enough!"

To ovulate I presume. Goddamn! How does he know these things? I certainly never told him about my dipping temperatures! I never ever tell him about my obsessive POAS and temping anymore because when I used to do it, he told me to throw them all away because I was stressing out unnecessarily! Err... Of course I was a bad patient and kept going at it. So I have to sneak around my doc's back and do it secretly! But it's really good to have this data to cross check with what he reads from my pulse. He hasn't been proven wrong so far! So he asked me to do a little bit more moxa--12 minutes instead of my usual 20!

So Saturday comes around and my BBT plunges even more from 97.3˚F to 97.1˚F! And the OPK is still NEGATIVE! No sign of any luteinizing hormone anywhere! Or ovulation! Again, Zip! Nil! ZERO! WTF???

With the warmer weather and a total of 10 moxa sessions this cycle, I thought my eggs would have thawed out really well by now. But they're stuck frozen somewhere in la-la land...

-

- break -

-

-

OK- I just peed on another stick. My egg is still MIA! It's already CD20!  Here eggy-eggy-eggy..... Where the *@#$%! are you???

"O" No! I'm Insufferable!

Today's post:

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...Whine, whine, moan, whine, groan, moan, whine, whine, whine! (x 10,0000000000000)

I still haven't ovulated.

"What? You're still obsessing about that?".....you're all yelling?

Uh-huh! I've had two positive OPKs now, but my BBT hasn't fallen, so I know it hasn't happened yet. Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...

My brain is incapable of thinking about anything else except ovulation and sex right now! Yes, I am a mad woman on heat! I don't know how much more my poor hubby can take of me bugging him for sex - he's so deprived of sleep, but I've already warned him that he has to make a "deposit" everyday for at least the next three days! So much for raw, spontaneous sex huh!

But the fact is, none of this sexercise matters if I haven't ovulated yet. Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan... (x another 10,0000000000000) So I thought I would double check with my TCM doc.

He read my pulse. He told me that I had not ovulated.

Yup. Based on my basal body temperature (BBT), he's just about 100% right. I didn't even tell him a single thing about my OPKs, or BBTs. Isn't it really scary how much my TCM doc knows about my body simply by reading the pulse on my wrists? He normally takes a reading from both my wrists - right side for qi, and left side for blood circulation, but even though he has been handicapped because my right wrist was "unavailable" (due to the injury), his supersonic fingers "heard" what my ovaries were saying! Freaky!

So after a bit more whining and moaning from me, he assured me that my condition was actually still good considering what my body's been through with the injury. He said it's likely that my O has been delayed because of that ie, some of the qi and energy in my body has been diverted to heal my cuts. OK-that's a pretty logical answer. My wounds have indeed been healing pretty well. The stitches on my palm have been out for 4 days now.

My wrist is still stitched up and looks nasty, but it's starting to turn pink like the rest of my arm. There's no feeling on the skin though. According to the doctor, the nerves have been severed but they do grow back, albeit at 1 mm a day. Not bad, except he says that nerves have to regrow from our back, which according to my calculation, based on the length it has to grow, it will take about 3 years to get to my wrist! Bring out the symphony again --

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, groan...Whine, whine, moan, whine, groan, moan, whine, whine, whine! (x 10,0000000000000)....

Let's hope I have something to cheer about tomorrow... Go O! Go O! Go! Go! GO!

Pretty puhleeze....

October Sex Fest Back On!

After bawling my eyes out for two days, the OPK finally decided to turn positive on CD21! I'm ecstatic. But what a roller coaster ride it's been. I've been POAS like an addicted lunatic since CD15. And it had been very hard seeing a negative, one after another, especially with the high expectations I've been having. I really wanted this cycle to be an improvement on the last one, since I've been doing so well with the intensive moxa sessions, acupuncture and herbs. Seeing an improvement was especially important as I had just passed the one year mark of starting TCM treatments. But peeing on those damn sticks had been one big disappointment after another, day after day.

I've never even felt this devastated with BFNs for pregnancies. At least I knew I was given a shot at it. With no egg around, it felt like I wasn't even given a chance! And that really shattered me. And with all the additional bad luck I've had to deal with recently, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. But then, someone must have pitied me and given me a break. Although there's no guarantee, hopefully with the Luteinizing Hormone surge, it really means that ovulation is going to happen. Here's a pic of how the OPKs have been teasing and taunting me. (These are the lucky few I picked from the mountain of peed OPKs sitting on my dresser! I didn't want to show them all, incase you thought I was nuts or something ;-) Read from bottom to top. It's positive when the left blue line is similar or darker than the right line)

So all is good for now, and it's all systems go with hubby now! I might have to face another episode of devastation in a couple of weeks if AF comes, and I don't know how I will be able to handle it. But for now, I have a chance, and I am going to make my damndest best of it!

No "O"

It's CD 20 and still no ovulation. Damn!

But, but, but...My heat levels have improved. My egg white CM has been amazing. My saliva was in full-fern bloom!

My OPK says "NO!"

I turned to one of my books to try and understand the mysteries of ovulation. The first line of the chapter read,

"Ovulation is probably one of the most important aspects of fertility."

My heart sank. Damn it! I obviously haven't got "one of the most important aspects of fertility". I am screwed!

Just when I thought things were going well--My body was cruising at full speed ahead, and then--It slams on the brakes!

I can't even begin to understand what the hell goes on in my body.

I am so frustrated.

I am in a funk.

Infertility plain SUCKS!

Waiting...

Ooooh! I am so busting to go to the toilet but I have to wait another hour. I am desperately trying to fulfill the 4-hour recommended wait before peeing on the ovulation predictor kit. So hopefully writing here will take my mind off any fantasies about peeing!

And here's the latest update about my little skin - it's still alive! Woohoo!

If only I could describe in words the anxiety I felt as the doctor was peeling away the bandages... It's crazy trying to anticipate what I would see under there. Is it grey? Is it black? Is it dead? Will we have to snip it away? Please be alive, puhleeeeeze!

But as the wound was slowly revealed, I saw purplish and red blotches! According to the doctor, it's good news! Overall it looked red, and the blood supply is getting through. The skin is still hanging in there, literally too! The purple blotches were blood clots, but he said that would slowly be reabsorbed into the body. There were some watery blisters too, which he had to pop with a needle. It was so strange because I didn't feel a thing--there was no sensation there at all. But he said I wasn't out of the woods yet. It could turn necrotic--that's the medical fancy schmancy way of simply saying - dead! And even worse, the possibility of an infection, which would kill all my chances of keeping my skin. So he slapped on the antiseptic cream and bandaged me up. The other cut is doing really well though so there is no concern there.

Maybe eating all that special wound-healing fish soup actually helps with the healing. And perhaps my constant incessant instructive orders to my brain to heal my wound is helping too (if my brain were another person it would probably be very annoyed with me!) I am constantly visualizing the healing in my head- the blood and chi flowing to the skin, healing nicely and getting better (just so my brain gets the picture what it should be doing! No misunderstanding there!)

On the fertility front, it's CD16 today and I should be ovulating anytime soon, usually around CD19. So its POAS time! I think I've amassed some 200 bucks worth of OPKs in my collection for this. Shhh! Don't tell my husband!

And I've diligently gone in today for my electro-acupuncture and moxa, now No.7 for this cycle. I really don't know what my chances are of conceiving this month, with all the stress my body's gone under, including drugs I've been pumping into my body ie, antibiotics, tetanus shot, anesthetic, plus I'm due for some dental work tomorrow. More stress. Drilling! Aaaargh! My TCM doc said my heat level fell a little from yesterday (it amazes me how he is able to keep track or quantify something so intangible and subjective). I feel my odds are probably lower, so that sucks!

There's nothing much else I can do now. So I'm waiting to pee, waiting for my skin to heal, waiting for me to ovulate, waiting to get pregnant. Sigh! Don't you sometimes feel that you spend most of your life just w..a...i....t....i......n........g?

My TCM Doc Passed With Flying Colors!

I tested my TCM doctor today. I had peed on an ovulation predictor stick today and saw a second line forming. That means my Luteinizing hormones are surging, slowly but surely. Yay! It's not quite a full positive yet, but I'm getting very close. And TCM doctors are supposed to be able to tell almost everything that's going on inside your body simply by reading your pulse.

Unlike the western way of reading a pulse purely to measure your heart rate, a TCM physician uses three fingers to read 3 points on your wrist. Each point is further divided into 3 levels or depths, which makes it a total of 9 "pulses". The combination of the pulses give a total picture of your body's health. Their fingers are so super-sensitive that they are able to read the differences in each pulse, ranging from "stringy" to "taught". (Heck! I can even barely locate my pulse sometimes!) I've read that they could tell if you're ovulating or pregnant just from reading your pulse.

Well, being a bit of a sceptic still, I couldn't resist checking what I knew against his "readings". So I asked him if I was ovulating. I expected a "yes" or "no" answer. Instead, he said, "Close. Just around the corner". Wow! That answer blew me away! He could even tell that it would happen soon. Some may think that it's a pretty vague answer and that he probably made a guesstimate based on my cycle. But for someone like me who has irregular cycles and temperamental ovaries, it's hard to know even if I would ovulate. And he doesn't chart my cycles-that's my job. I guess he knew what he needed to know from his readings and there was no need for me to update him with numbers and pee sticks. He really knows his stuff! As far as I'm concerned, he passed with flying colors!

Anyway, I had my last moxa for this cycle. He did tell me that it would have to stop when I ovulated. I asked him how we would know when to stop - he said he would know. I guess he does! Well, I am relieved that I'm done with the moxa for now. It is a bit nerve-wracking having a huge burning stick so close to the skin.

So now I am really looking forward to ovulating and making a baby this month! I am delighted that my body is behaving as it should this month! I even feel twangs of pain on my right ovary or thereabouts, which I hadn't in a long time. It must have finally woken up!

August Sex Fest Officially On!

WOOHOO! I'm ecstatic! I am finally ovulating! It has been at least 80 days since the last time I ovulated! The darker blue line that alluded me for the past couple of months finally showed up on my OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit)! Something's finally working! Which means I should be ovulating within the next 24 hours or so.

To increase the odds of sperm meeting the egg according to "Deanna's Sperm Meets Egg Plan", I've read that baby dancing should occur for 3 consecutive nights starting from the day the OPK turns positive, followed by one day of rest, and then one last try on the 5th night. So that could only mean one thing - the August Sex Festival with DH is officially ON!

My Ovary Is Not Dead

Almost Positive! Not of the preggers kind but apparently I have an egg that's waiting to break out! Today is Day 24 of my cycle and I am finally detecting a slight surge in my Luteinizing Hormone. Yippee! I have been peeing on those ovulation predictor sticks for a week now and have almost given up hope, till today! The blue line on the right is the control line, and the line on the left needs to be similar or darker than the control line on the right. I've been getting nothing for the past week (see the first stick on top) but today's stick (the second one below) shows a blue line forming! I am sooooo happy!

For most women, this is no big event at all, but for me, it's HUGE, given that I am desperately trying to conceive and there wasn't even any sign of ovulation last month. So, I am relieved that my ovary is still alive - at least one of them is! That explains the painful twangs I've been having in my lower left abdomen, and for the fact that I've been so emotional yesterday - I even cried watching old reruns of The Amazing Race! I can't wait to pee on another of those sticks and see THE elusive dark blue line tomorrow. I am SO keeping my fingers crossed!