Staying Positive While Popping Pills

I spent the last few days drowning myself in a million pills that are supposed to help me get through AF. I've been taking:

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The top pic shows my usual daily onslaught of TCM meds. The bottom pic shows what I took in addition to it for AF pain and gastritis (which always seem to accompany AF pain without fail). Doesn't the amount look just insane?

There was no pain on CD1 (yay!) but the pain came on CD2 and 3. It wasn't too bad, and I suppose I could have handled the pain without meds since I've suffered a lot worse before, but I copped out. Initially I thought I could rough it out so that I could assess my true condition. Hubs thought it was a good idea too. But uhm...Nope-I didn't feel too much like being a hero. I am just not a fan of pain! Those extra meds were a great friend to me for those two days. The flow was a bit heavy on the 2nd and 3rd day, but at least it wasn't like Niagara Falls. It's now CD5 and it feels like someone has just started to turn off the tap.

So why do I like to document all this and gross you out with all my AF symptoms? Because in TCM, it's recognized as an effective gauge on how well you're doing. If your hormones, energy and blood circulation are good, and there are no uterine abnormalities, you should have a perfect period: one that bleeds bright red straight away, moderate volume, no clots, no pain, and lasts 5-7 days without any spotting before or after. And that's what I am working towards - a healthy, normal functioning reproductive system.

This one's hardly a perfect period, but what I'd like to focus on is the positive stuff-
Hey! My period wasn't any worse than before! Therefore, in my miserable, crappy uterine IF world, that's actually great news! So here's why I got my party whistle out:

1. There were no clots
2. The volume was no worse than before
3. The color looked quite bright and healthy
4. The pain wasn't too bad nor worse than my previous AF 
5. Ms.Nasty has not grown
6. I had a lovely bi-phasic BBT chart this past cycle
7. And I did ovulate on my own even though it took hell of a long time!

It's probably too early to assess if Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment is any good, but I didn't get worse. That's something to celebrate huh?

(For some strange reason, I've been craving margaritas and cosmos during my last 2WW. Anyone have that as a pregnancy symptom? LOL!!!)






PS- By the way, a big "Thank You" to all of you who came out to share and support me at my last post. It meant a lot to me!

Relapse

I've been in pain the last 5 days.

Just when I thought that things were finally looking up, I am suffering a tremendous relapse. All the effort, and spirit I've put into fighting this dreaded endometriosis seemed not to have mattered.

I feel so defeated.

The journey during the past cycle had been wrought with numerous bumps and potholes along the way, but I thought I could get a fresh start with this new cycle. I told myself that I would get back on the roller coaster and face this cycle with new strength and optimism, but someone in the universe thinks that it's much funnier to see me all beaten up and broken down.

My roller coaster had barely left the station and gotten over it's first hill when the three bitches jumped me around the first corner -- Meet Aunt Flo, Aunt Endo and Aunt Gastro. They stuck with me for 5 days (and still clinging on) and made sure I was on a ride to hell! My TCM doc asked me today how I had felt the last 5 days. I laid it all out for him:

• pain in uterus, ovaries, rectum
• heavy bleeding
• bad clots
• anxiety attacks
• cold sweat
• headache
• gastritic pain and abdominal pain
• lower back pain

Oh! And I forgot- sleep-deprivation too! When Mr.Pain felt generous during the first two days, he would let me sleep 5-10 minutes at a time. I had never felt so grateful to be unconscious during those few precious minutes! Yes, Effing Mr.Pain decides when I get to sleep. And thanks to the gastritis brought on by Aunt Gastro, I couldn't take any pain-killers to manage the pain either. So it's always one kind of pain or another. And though most of the pain has left me by now, my lower back is still aching and pangs of pain is still shooting across my ute as I write. It is CD5 going into CD6 and the pain still has not stopped.

At the end of the last cycle, I thought I was done with all the crying. And I never thought I would start a new cycle with heartache and tears again. I learned that I am just not that strong. Where does all this leave me on my road to being endo and pain-free? Where does this leave me on my journey to having my baby? That road seems so far away now.  I've been in the darkness for so long. I put my faith in God and in Medicine, and I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so drained--physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is barely a flicker of life or hope in my soul.

I am broken.