Looking At the Bright Side

As disappointing as this past cycle has been for me, Dr.NeverGiveUp tried to focus on the good things today.

• Ms.RJ1, the monster egg-cum-cyst has disappeared! Today's u/s scan revealed that she is gone! The red tide must have "flushed" her out!

• He thinks my cycles are getting shorter and I am producing eggs earlier. Although I've had better cycles 2 years ago, it is obvious that my fertility has gone worse with age. My first cycle under his care was 51 days. Followed by a non-ovulatory 36-day cycle. Then a 37-day cycle with ovulation on CD23. And most recently, a 35-day cycle with a luteinized follicle on Day 20, even though it didn't ovulate. Not exactly champagne breaking news, but it's not bad.

It's CD4 today. The pain has been intermittent but I think the worst is over. My hormones are beginning to rage. I can feel my sex drive surging again. I swear-this is ALL Dr.NeverGiveUp's doing!  :-O

The End Has Come

It is official:

Another cycle has bitten the dust. It's CD1 today.

I started feeling really tired and crampy yesterday. Thinking that some exercise would do me some good, you know, get the blood circulation going a bit, I managed to drag myself to the gym and came home to find that I had begun to spot. I knew that the end was near.

Today the pain started to get quite bad. I hadn't felt such pain in a while. I hadn't taken any Fibrovan since I last ran out about a month back. Maybe it did help with the pain while I was on it. Thankfully I had some of Dr.NeverGiveup's amazing TCM pain herbal medicine and took that. Within half an hour, the pain had subsided to a manageable level. Within a few hours, the flow started going. It was at that point that I began to feel relief. It was as if my ute was cramping hard trying to expel the lining, causing me pain, but once it started shedding, it started to ease up. Before, I used to cramp all the time, consistently for a few days. The difference now is that the cramping has decreased and is more focused. Every time I get a round of cramps, I can understand specifically what my body is trying to do now. And it's amazing how quickly my ute eases off once some blood is shed. A direct cause and effect. The relief is almost immediate! That's pretty amusing to me!

I'm glad this lousy cycle has finally come to an end. The good news is that I actually produced follicles much earlier this past cycle, and that my cycle has shortened to 35 days. The bad news is that I didn't actually ovulate.

Goodbye Ms.RJ1. You're like a guest who has overstayed your welcome. Hope you're gone!

My Achy Breaky Ute

The last 2 days have not been fun for me.

After a wonderful break from endo pain last month, some achiness returned this AF on CD3. It wasn't excruciatingly painful, thank goodness - just a persistent annoying ache. But what made it worse was that gastritis turned this achey party into a double whammy. It has always been a mystery to me why the two always go hand in hand. It's as if the pain can't exist alone without his friend, gastritis. The period pain is gone now but the pain in the stomach still lingers. Recovery from gastritis always takes the longest for me, usually sticking around for 2-3 days after the period pain is long gone. It just plain sucks!

It also sucks that Dr.NeverGiveUp has asked me to increase my dosage of bee spit (royal jelly). I should finish one bottle within a week, but it has taken me two weeks. So I am now taking a heaped teaspoon of it, twice a day. I'm getting pretty efficient at the whole horrific process of downing this disgusting stuff:  Prepare menthol lozenges, and large cup of water. Pinch nose, hold, shove bee spit in mouth, concentrate hard on swallowing, gulp down water, pop lozenge in mouth. Release nose after menthol fumes have totally engulfed entire ENT system. It's a routine now. One time hubs saw me walking around pinching my nose.

"Oh! Royal Jelly huh?"

No explanation needed.

Anyway, when I had my appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp, I told him that AF had showed up. His reply?

"Good!"

I was taken aback my his cheerful reaction.

"Why is that a good thing?" I asked.

He said that it was good that my period had come on its own- it showed that I did have eggs, although they weren't good quality. I reminded him that my FSH was very low during my last blood work and that already indicated that I have a good reserve of eggs. He seemed very pleased about that.

Anyway, Dr.NeverGiveUp believes so much in bee spit that he's asked me to come in for a u/s scan on CD13, incase I ovulate early, even though I typically ovulate very, very late or not at all!  He seems to think that this stuff is so potent that it will lure my eggs out early. Well, we shall see about that!

Aunt Flo Showed Up

It's CD 1.

My "perfect" lining makes an exit.

Another cycle bites the dust.

Doing The Timon...Again!

• Aunt Flo's having a party in my ute and she doesn't want to leave. She thinks she just got here. Despite this being CD8!

• Clots that made a no-show last period came back with a vengeance! Despite taking clot-busting Fibrovan religiously.

• I haven't had ANY pain whatsoever -not even a twitch -all through AF. Despite the clots. (It's a miracle!)

• I am feeling so freakin' horny! Despite Aunt Flo chaperoning Ms.Cha Cha 24/7.

So, again...

ROTFL

It's CD2 and I am in NO PAIN! 

What? Did these words just come out of a "Premium" Endo Sufferer? 

Yup! They did. Totally UNBELIEVABLE, but I'm doing a little jig and am having a great CD2! 

My celebration is probably a little bit premature though, seeing as I'm hardly bleeding! Does this even count as a period since my ute didn't even behave like a normal one this past month? After all, my eggs did do a Houdini on me! Oh my gawd! Am I in menopause?

But despite the fact that everything that can go wrong in a cycle did go wrong with me, I've been unusually happy (ok-this can't be menopause). This past few weeks, it feels like an invisible rock's been lifted off my shoulders, and I would take delight in the silliest little things:

Just the other night, I was looking at a few Tintin comic books that hubs just bought (he collects them) and decided that the dog Snowy was my favorite character. Who wouldn't find a talking, opinionated, smart-ass dog whom nobody can hear, adorable? Then I started telling hubs about a dog I had, as a child, that was named Snowy too. The conversation went like this,

"Did you know that I had a white dog named Snowy? ...And a brown dog named Browny? ...And a black dog named Blackie? ...And a cat named Kitty?....." 

...Followed by uncontrollable fits of deep, belly-shaking, lung-ripping, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe laughter! It had just dawned on me that my mother had the most uncreative names for our pets. And I just found that absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard! I mean, okay, it's funny, but on a normal day, I probably wouldn't find it that funny! 

(Just for the record, I also had a dog named Brandy and a dog named Whiskey! All mom's doing! Hubs family does a lot better in the naming department. When we were married, I inherited their black dog which hubs originally wanted to name Carbon! OMG! ROTFL!!! But he thought, wait, what a dumb-ass name for a dog, so they chose Diamond~another form of carbon. Now, that is cool! But then again, they did name their sausage dog (dachshund) Flappy-because its ears would flap when she came running! And just for the record, again, I too had a sausage dog named Jessie, and a second sausage dog named Jessie 2 and a third sausage dog named Jessie the Third! My mom's a creative genius with names!!! ) 

And just last week, hubs and I went to watch Predators because Inception was all sold out, and during one of the goriest scenes, I laughed out so loud because it seemed fascinatingly, ridiculously funny. It was odd because I suddenly realized nobody else was laughing!

Anyway, the point is, I've been laughing a lot! Could this be a hormonal thing, disastrous as mine is? 

Totally Thrown Off-Guard

Woke up today - still sleepy.


BBT is low - same old story.


Not ovulating - same old crap.


Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.


Evening TP wipe - blood.


Blood????


WTF???????


CD1 already?


Not even a chance to ovulate?


A  #@*&!$  non-ovulatory cycle.


My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.


Oh well...!


SNAFU!


Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!


(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

WTF Period On 11DPO

I'm so sad.

I knew this cycle was a bust for me. I just knew I wouldn't get pregnant given the condition I'm in. And I was so sure that I wouldn't feel upset because I was already expecting a BFN.

But what do you do when AF arrives 4 days early? Today would have been 11DPO, but I've started bleeding already. This means that I had an incredibly short luteal phase at only 10 days. Which is just Plain. Bad. News.

And I am just wondering whether the love-making we had last night brought on the period. In fact, I told hubs that it may cause it to come early, though deep down I felt it was quite unlikely given that my period was still quite a few days away. So I was really shocked to wake up and find spotting on my underwear. And bright red on the TP wipe. And it's been building up. My BBT has plunged too. I'm pretty sure this is it (AF).

It's happened to me before but usually just the day or 2 before my expected AF. But never this early. Has anyone had their periods induced by sex before? If it has happened to you before, can you please let me know because I feel like such a freak right now?

If this is a normal occurrence, then, is this why they tell you not to have sex during your 2WW if you're trying to conceive? I've heard about not exercising or having sex during the 2WW and I used to stick to it religiously, but I was beginning to think that it was all bullshit when I never got pregnant anyway. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me not to exercise in the last 3 days before AF but he never mentioned anything about sex.

So now I'm upset and confused.

I already have a long list of infertility challenges - endometriosis, adenomyosis, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, irregular ovulation and bad eggs. And I really don't want to add "luteal phase defect" to it.

I've been holding up quite well the whole day, but I think I'm beginning to crack.

I'm such a walking disaster.  Sniff!

My Third And Newest TCM Doctor

Having started treatments at a new fertility clinic recently, I'm officially in a new chapter of my TTC drama now. I've been to the clinic 3 times to date, and even though all they've given me were mainly bad news, they're NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I am so happy and grateful!

Meet my brand new TCM doc ~ Dr.NeverGiveUp!

• He speaks English. (Clouds in the heavens are parting...Aaaaa-lleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!)
• He is trained in both western and chinese medicine and is the only doctor here that integrates both to treat infertility. (Just what I wanted! Woohoo!)
• He is an acupuncturist too. (Nice to know he got skillz)
• Has a Ph. D specializing in fertility. (He must know his stuff!)
• He also lectures and has been invited by a university to set up the first department to teach integrated medicine for infertility in the country. (He must really, really know his stuff)
• He's quite patient with my 1 million and 1 questions. (I like doctors who explain)
• He is honest. (He does not sugarcoat things and is realistic) 
• He told me to never give up because humans are meant to reproduce. (That's the spirit I need in my doc)
• He believes that our bodies have an amazing ability to rejuvenate itself and adapt (He gives me the hope I need)

I think he really is the answer to my prayer! I am shocked that god heard me. And answered. Infact he gave me two doctors.

Meet the wife and assistant of Dr.NeverGiveUp ~ Dr.Don'tWorry!

• She speaks English too. (Alleluia chorus-Round 2! )
• She is a chinese medicine doctor and acupuncturist. (Nice to have a second opinion)
• She's sweet and kind. (When I came in with cramps and waited torturously for my turn, she told me that I could jump the queue next time and not have to endure the wait if I was in pain!)
• She keeps telling me not to worry and just be happy. (I'm sure it's hormone-related advice ie, less stress, better hormones)

Having been with a very traditional doctor in TCM the last year and half (with "TCM doc"), I am not used to the ways of this clinic yet.

- I am required to submit my BBT which has to be taken precisely at a time I choose between 5-8 a.m. with at least 5 hours sleep prior. I must use the digital thermometer supplied and record, (in Celsius-I'm used to Farenheit), the temps in a notebook which they will check and draw a graph from. Wow! I am not used to having someone scrutinize my BBTs like that! 

- They will occasionally take my blood to test my hormones. It was never this scientific with my previous TCM doc. I like seeing proof. And Dr.NeverGiveUp is a pro at taking blood! My veins are notoriously hard to find-I've been probed and jabbed all over my arms and even the back of my hands with needles just to find blood. He found a vein on his first try! He's my hero!

- They will give me an ultrasound scan every time I go in for my weekly appointment to monitor my uterus and follicles. For this, I am required to drink 1.5 L (6.5 cups) of water and hold it before I visit the clinic. And they won't scan me till I'm bursting to go to the toilet! Wooo-peee! They charge me $50 for each scan but I only have to pay for 7 scans. After that it will all be free, even if I remain there for years or if I come back for treatments for a second or third child! I think that's awesome! 

- They will tell us when to have sex. No kidding. We are scheduled to have sex on the 12th of May! He wrote that on my BBT notebook! Precision timed sex seems to be a big part of his "treatment".

- I am required to take lots of herbal pills. Did I say pills? Yes!!! I did! Pills! No more gluggy, black, nasty, evil tasting herbal potions to brew and drink! It's so convenient and it frees up so much of my time. It's amazing how much more relaxing it is with this pill regiment! I don't have to constantly check on boiling herbs, or worry about burning my pot and setting off the fire alarm anymore! 

- I won't be having acupuncture. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that he rarely prescribes acupuncture these days. He says that in his experience, acupuncture isn't very effective for infertility. That herbal medicine does the job better. I'm not sure I agree with him, but... What? No more being pricked all over like a voodoo doll? Shocking!

This method of treatment is indeed new to me but I hope this journey will be a fruitful one for me. I am not discounting my previous treatment with TCM doc nor discrediting his work. Infact I believe that I have less pain now because of him. My periods are shorter and I don't lose crazy amounts of blood anymore. The last time AF came, there was less pain, hardly any clots, and lasted only 7 days. And I did get pregnant for the first time in my life while under his care. But I am still not well. I am far from it. I think he's taken me as far as he could. And now I need someone else to take me further along towards my goal of having a baby. 

 Is Dr.NeverGiveUp my next stepping stone towards that goal? 

I hope and pray he is.

Back From Hell

I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!

And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.

And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations!  I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!

Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness

So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?

I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...

Rants and Romance

It's CD25. AF has not arrived but I have totally written off getting a Big Fat Positive this month because that elusive eggy of mine is just nowhere to be found! And I can confirm that all that sex, sex, sex, sex, sex simply DOES NOT trigger ovulation! Otherwise, I'd be breeding like rabbits by now! Well, nope - no sign of cute bunnies streaming out of my vah-jay-jay at all - Myth BUSTED!

Well, my OPKs have run out. Yes, I've been guiltily peeing on them even though my TCM doc told me to stop obsessing with them (cause it's stressing me out) but I couldn't just throw them away! I spent a fortune on them, so I was just gonna pee the hell out of them till they run out. That was the only way to stop my obsession! Now I am having withdrawal symptoms! I am SO fantasizing about running out to my dealer to get more supplies tomorrow! Somebody drag me to POAS-aholic Anonymous now!

At least I still have my thermometer....

I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'd be pregnant this cycle-Delayed ovulation may be an indication that the egg quality is poor. And even if ovulation & fertilization occurs, implantation on such an old lining doesn't usually end well. I can't deal with another miscarriage again. So if this is not to be, for my own sake, I can accept that. But I just want to know why I haven't ovulated? This question has been burning on my mind! I've been eating healthily, exercising a bit more, increased my acupuncture and moxa sessions, and been downing my herbal medicine obediently.

My heart's been a jumbled mess. My doc doesn't want my mood to effect my hormones, so he has ordered me to be happy, and stress free. It's not easy I tell ya! If only emotions reacted to commands like "BE Happy!"- women would've saved a tonne of money from retail therapy! Anyway, I was drifting happily along yesterday, free of pressure and burden about conceiving, but once in a while my doubts about my infertility would creep into my thoughts. And POW! I would burst into tears. And that happened at least four times yesterday. My heart's in a strange place, drifting between sadness and happiness.

Now there's no way of knowing when I will be expecting my period. If I can pinpoint my ovulation, I can pinpoint AF because my luteal phase is usually constant. This is something I could always count on so that I can plan my activities around the days when I will be knocked out from pain. If I had ovulated today, AF would be cutting close to Christmas but at least I know I would have a week to plan my Christmas celebrations. Now I have no clue. And I need to be sober and functional as it's my turn to host Christmas this year for my family! I really don't want to spend my christmas in pain...

I wish I could fly away from all this misery. I can't. So I did the next best thing. My husband and I have planned to go away for a short vacation to a beach destination for a few days. I just booked the hotel and we are leaving on Monday. Rain is expected but I don't care. I know it's just a distraction, but I hope I will be able to find some peace in my heart and rekindle some much needed romance with my dear hubs after all that mechanical baby-making duties...

However, all is not doom and gloom in my life. I want to share two things that highlighted my day:

First one:
I was just awarded the Kreative Award by Sonja. Thank you so much for the honor Sonja! You're so sweet for thinking about me! I am so behind on passing this award and the Over the Top Blog Award that I have received, but I haven't got much love to pass around right now in my barren heart. I feel so bad. But I promise - It's only temporary!

Second highlight:
My cat did just the cutest thing! A few hours ago I heard Zoey calling out with that strange Siberian chirping meow of his, "Rrrrouuw, Rrrrouuw, RRROUWW!"I went to see what the commotion was about. Remember Mr Tiger? Zoey had found Mr Tiger on my bedside table and carried it all the way down the stairs. He was so proud to have brought me a gift! I don't know how he managed to lug it down in his mouth cos Mr Tiger is almost as big as him!  What a cutie! Mr Tiger is my mascot for hope. Do you think it's a good omen? Is god working in mysterious ways through my cat? LOL!

Relapse

I've been in pain the last 5 days.

Just when I thought that things were finally looking up, I am suffering a tremendous relapse. All the effort, and spirit I've put into fighting this dreaded endometriosis seemed not to have mattered.

I feel so defeated.

The journey during the past cycle had been wrought with numerous bumps and potholes along the way, but I thought I could get a fresh start with this new cycle. I told myself that I would get back on the roller coaster and face this cycle with new strength and optimism, but someone in the universe thinks that it's much funnier to see me all beaten up and broken down.

My roller coaster had barely left the station and gotten over it's first hill when the three bitches jumped me around the first corner -- Meet Aunt Flo, Aunt Endo and Aunt Gastro. They stuck with me for 5 days (and still clinging on) and made sure I was on a ride to hell! My TCM doc asked me today how I had felt the last 5 days. I laid it all out for him:

• pain in uterus, ovaries, rectum
• heavy bleeding
• bad clots
• anxiety attacks
• cold sweat
• headache
• gastritic pain and abdominal pain
• lower back pain

Oh! And I forgot- sleep-deprivation too! When Mr.Pain felt generous during the first two days, he would let me sleep 5-10 minutes at a time. I had never felt so grateful to be unconscious during those few precious minutes! Yes, Effing Mr.Pain decides when I get to sleep. And thanks to the gastritis brought on by Aunt Gastro, I couldn't take any pain-killers to manage the pain either. So it's always one kind of pain or another. And though most of the pain has left me by now, my lower back is still aching and pangs of pain is still shooting across my ute as I write. It is CD5 going into CD6 and the pain still has not stopped.

At the end of the last cycle, I thought I was done with all the crying. And I never thought I would start a new cycle with heartache and tears again. I learned that I am just not that strong. Where does all this leave me on my road to being endo and pain-free? Where does this leave me on my journey to having my baby? That road seems so far away now.  I've been in the darkness for so long. I put my faith in God and in Medicine, and I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so drained--physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is barely a flicker of life or hope in my soul.

I am broken.

Thankful

I need to shout a big "THANK YOU" to all the wonderful girls who have been giving me their love, support and encouragement here over the last few days. The gift of your words have consoled me immensely! I never imagined that I would ever find such warmth and support here in blogoland, but I have and it's made my journey through IF a little more bearable. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart!


I am also thankful that today has not turned out to be disasterous, and that I have been able to deal with things a lot better. It must be all the positive energy you've been sending me! Despite having only 2 hours of sleep last night (I have major sleep issues) and seeing the Big Extremely FAT Negative on my Clear Blue HPT (it's got the fattest NEGATIVE line on any pee stick I've ever seen-They know how to rub it in!), and then discovering quite a bit of blood just hours later (Yup-another 25 bucks wasted again!), I have not broken down nor shed a single tear today.   


I am a bit confused though about the bleeding... I am not exactly sure if AF has arrived because it's only 12DPO and that's unusual for me. I needed to use something more protective than a pantyliner and the color was rather shocking. The yeast infection pessary (Canesten) has dissolved and it has mixed with blood into a bright milky red. Just imagine bright red tomato soup that has some cream stirred in. That's exactly what it looks like! (Ooops! Sorry if you're eating right now!) I know that Canesten can make you bleed a little, but If that's bleeding from the Canesten, the amount is quite startling. If it's AF-she's early (maybe someone granted my wish. Hmmm...be careful what you wish for). But the good news is I haven't felt any pain -only a slight pressure for several seconds. I will wait and see. If AF gets fierce, then I'll mark today as CD1.


So why did I POAS on 12DPO? I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant this cycle but I peed on the stick anyway because I wanted confirmation--Confirmation that I didn't need to eat well for a baby and that I could give myself a break AND be as sinful as I liked with food tonight. We had another round of family celebrations for my husband who turned 41 a few days ago, and believe me, I SINNED! Mmmmm...it was so yummy! 


There will be no more crying for me now. I am tired of being sad and tired of being tired! I am so done with this past cycle! The last few weeks have felt like the safety harness on my roller coaster had snapped open and I had been flung out into the arms of death. But I survived and I am back on that roller coaster again! I expect AF (in cahoots with Aunt Endo) might be planning to scare me with some jolts of pain. But I am ready to face it!


(OK-I lied-only sort of! I'm never ready for pain)


I'm eager to put all this crap behind me and look forward to a brand new cycle and another shot at baby. I am gonna enjoy the rest of my weekend and on Monday, I'm gonna charge into my TCM clinic with new vigor! Along the way, I will be sure to make my TCM doc feel a bit guilty too for taking so long to give me my baby! LOL!! Get with the program doc! Haven't you seen my wish list? I want a baby for Christmas!

Freedom!

Zoey Escapes! This is one of the many times that my cat Zoey attempts to escape from the house. I had left one window opened in the bathroom and he fearlessly went for it! He has given me many heart-attacks over the short course of his life!

I always keep Zoey indoors, afraid that the dogs in the neighborhood would get to him. And I'm paranoid about catnapping too! Yes, you could say I am a rather over-zealous and over-protective "mum" to Zoey. But he is my "baby"! Although I foiled his Great Escape this time, I met him on the other side and let him enjoy the outdoors under supervision, as I always do everyday. He must have felt great about his freedom, because he was extremely contented after that.

I too have been feeling this exhilaration of freedom - freedom from intense pain that usually dogs me a few days a month when AF visits. The last few days have been incredible because I was pain-free after CD1. I usually only see the four walls of my bedroom during the first few days of my period, compliments of endometriosis. Today is only CD5 but already, I feel like weeks have passed and I've lived such a full life: I've been out for dinners, out on a movie date with hubby, gone to the clinic for acupuncture, hung out at Starbucks with my fav caramel hot chocolate, managed to mop the floors, do the laundry, iron a mountain of clothes, clean the litter box, cook meals, make Zoey a new toy, reach out to my friends, do my work and blog! Plus the usual eat-shit-sleep!

I am amazed at how much life can be lived in just 5 days, and stunned by the realization that this is how much endo robs from me every month! Endo has imprisoned me for such a long time, and I am thrilled to be breaking out from its clutches. The freedom to live my life the way I want, while bleeding, has been liberating and exhilarating! I owe so much to my TCM doctor for making me better and for helping me regain my life back. Down you go endo! Down-you-go!

I feel so happy and free! A quote from Walter Matthau (as Albert Einstein) in the movie "IQ" sums it up passionately for me --

WA-HOOOOO!

Shattered Dreams

There's nothing worse than getting up to a brand new day only to have your hopes and dreams come crashing down on you. I discovered first thing this morning that Aunt Flo had visited me sometime in the night and left me with the news that I dread every month - that I have failed to conceive again.

This visit took me by surprise because it wasn't due for another two days. This meant further bad news - I have a shortened Luteal Phase, as if endometriosis wasn't bad enough. Hearing how depressed I was, my sweet hubby tried to give me hope by suggesting that it could be implantation bleeding. It lifted my spirits up for a while, giving me a spark of hope, but I knew it just wasn't possible. And with all the signs of what a period shouldn't be - dark and dotted with clots, I am bracing myself for some more bad news - Immense pain and agony throughout the period. I don't know how I am going to make it through the next few days...

Aunt Flo's Horrible Visit

Another awful visit from Aunt Flo this time. This would be my third period after my miscarriage. The last cycle leading up to this period was terribly  disappointing because my body was so out of whack. I was looking forward to some serious baby dancing this cycle, but my body did not ovulate. It usually happens around Day 20 but the ovulation stick basically said No Way Hosea! I peed on so many ovulation sticks, day after day, that I finally gave up because the ovulation sticks always came back a resounding NO! However I suspect that -based on my body temperature and the discharge- that if I did ovulate it might have been at Day 28. That's 4 weeks into my cycle, which is too late in my opinion to have a hormonally healthy environment for a viable pregnancy. My period was also a week later than usual. And all this culminating into another excruciatingly painful period. 

I was so upset not only by the pain but the fact that my body had shown no signs of improvement despite having religiously taken the herbal medicine everyday, sitting through acupuncture twice weekly, sleeping with a hot water bottle on my uterus and abstaining from cold, icy drinks throughout the month. Oh well, except for maybe twice when I gave into ice cold coke and some ice-cream! But that was only two days out of the entire cycle! 

In TCM, painful periods are the result of a condition called blood stasis, which is evident as passing  dark coloured blood and clots during periods. I had plenty of clots this time, and I can't believe that it was all due to those two sinful days! So I asked Master L, my TCM doc why this was happening despite following his treatment-which had been very effective for me when I first started. Within a month of his treatment I had pain-free periods and within 4 months I had conceived. But after my miscarriage, the treatments were getting no where. It had been 3 cycles since the miscarriage - and despite all the treatment, my cycles were longer and the periods were horrifically painful and heavy. The only improvement I had this last period was that I felt 30% less pain and that the flow was not very heavy. It was too little of an improvement for me because I was still bed-ridden for days, breaking out into cold sweat and keeled over in pain and not being able to sleep or eat because of the pain. This did not feel like progress to me.

Master L's explanation was that my body had not forgiven me for the abuse that it suffered after the miscarriage due to the lack of care I had given it. I did not rest and heal and nourish my body the way I should have. As a result my body is still reeling in from the consequences of my neglect and there are still some unresolved problems in my system. Suffering from conditions such as endo and hormonal imbalance meant that I was suffering from a bigger set back than normal healthy women who had miscarriages.  His conclusion was that what he did for me was not good enough - that his treatment was right, but it had to be "more right" (his words!) As for me, that meant 100% diligence in abstaining from cold and raw food. Ai-yai-yai!  So with my silly logic I asked him- if ingesting cold stuff was a problem, wouldn't it be ok to drink something very hot following a cold drink to counteract the coldness? His reply was that it would be like putting on a band-aid after first stabbing your body with a knife.  Sigh! I guess there's just no cheating!