Just when I thought that things were finally looking up, I am suffering a tremendous relapse. All the effort, and spirit I've put into fighting this dreaded endometriosis seemed not to have mattered.
I feel so defeated.
The journey during the past cycle had been wrought with numerous bumps and potholes along the way, but I thought I could get a fresh start with this new cycle. I told myself that I would get back on the roller coaster and face this cycle with new strength and optimism, but someone in the universe thinks that it's much funnier to see me all beaten up and broken down.
My roller coaster had barely left the station and gotten over it's first hill when the three bitches jumped me around the first corner -- Meet Aunt Flo, Aunt Endo and Aunt Gastro. They stuck with me for 5 days (and still clinging on) and made sure I was on a ride to hell! My TCM doc asked me today how I had felt the last 5 days. I laid it all out for him:
- pain in uterus, ovaries, rectum
- heavy bleeding
- bad clots
- anxiety attacks
- cold sweat
- headache
- gastritic pain and abdominal pain
- lower back pain
At the end of the last cycle, I thought I was done with all the crying. And I never thought I would start a new cycle with heartache and tears again. I learned that I am just not that strong. Where does all this leave me on my road to being endo and pain-free? Where does this leave me on my journey to having my baby? That road seems so far away now. I've been in the darkness for so long. I put my faith in God and in Medicine, and I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so drained--physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is barely a flicker of life or hope in my soul.
I am broken.
6 comments:
With all that you've been going through, I can completely understand your feelings. But for what it's worth, I don't think you're broken. You've been given a heck of a lot to deal with and I wish I could do something to help.
If ever there was a time for HUGS, this is it.
Please know I'm thinking about you.
I am so sorry. Endo is so shit. The pain is shit. Hang in there. Things were goin well. Things will gett better. hang in there. You are strong
I'm very sorry to hear you feel so sad and defeated, but I completely understand - the pain must be terrible. What did your TCM doc say? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that this is a two steps forward, one step back process. This does not mean you have gone all the way back to the very beginning. It could mean you have just had a particularly stressful cycle, or you need to change your current treatment plan because your body is somehow adapting to what you've been doing. Or it could just mean nothing. Regardless, it doesn't necessarily mean that this cycle is no good - look at me at my super high FSH on Day 4 and then my numbers were amazing when I ovulated. Our bodies are mysterious and there is no perfect formula. I hope the pain subsides quickly and that you are able to get some rest. After some good sleep and TLC, I am confident that you will feel stronger and things will look more manageable. In the meantime, we are all here - lean on us.
Love,
Maddy
I know it's hard to have hope when you've worked so hard, only to have a setback. Just see this as information. Your body has been through a lot lately. Try to be compassionate with yourself. Endo seems to be one of the most difficult fertility problems I've read about. You may need to bring more of western medicine in at some point. I wish I could be there to hold your hand. Big hugs!
I am so sorry you are going through such a a hard time. I am in the same boat as you, it has been difficult to say the least. Hang in their and remind yourself of the good things in your life.
Hoping you find some relief soon
Thanks everyone for coming here and giving me so much love and support! You are all wonderful! I feel encouraged. And I will indeed hang in there & continue this fight. Thank you for picking me up and helping me back on the road again!
With love and gratitude,
Zengirl
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