Totally Thrown Off-Guard

Woke up today - still sleepy.


BBT is low - same old story.


Not ovulating - same old crap.


Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.


Evening TP wipe - blood.


Blood????


WTF???????


CD1 already?


Not even a chance to ovulate?


A  #@*&!$  non-ovulatory cycle.


My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.


Oh well...!


SNAFU!


Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!


(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

Rants and Romance

It's CD25. AF has not arrived but I have totally written off getting a Big Fat Positive this month because that elusive eggy of mine is just nowhere to be found! And I can confirm that all that sex, sex, sex, sex, sex simply DOES NOT trigger ovulation! Otherwise, I'd be breeding like rabbits by now! Well, nope - no sign of cute bunnies streaming out of my vah-jay-jay at all - Myth BUSTED!

Well, my OPKs have run out. Yes, I've been guiltily peeing on them even though my TCM doc told me to stop obsessing with them (cause it's stressing me out) but I couldn't just throw them away! I spent a fortune on them, so I was just gonna pee the hell out of them till they run out. That was the only way to stop my obsession! Now I am having withdrawal symptoms! I am SO fantasizing about running out to my dealer to get more supplies tomorrow! Somebody drag me to POAS-aholic Anonymous now!

At least I still have my thermometer....

I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'd be pregnant this cycle-Delayed ovulation may be an indication that the egg quality is poor. And even if ovulation & fertilization occurs, implantation on such an old lining doesn't usually end well. I can't deal with another miscarriage again. So if this is not to be, for my own sake, I can accept that. But I just want to know why I haven't ovulated? This question has been burning on my mind! I've been eating healthily, exercising a bit more, increased my acupuncture and moxa sessions, and been downing my herbal medicine obediently.

My heart's been a jumbled mess. My doc doesn't want my mood to effect my hormones, so he has ordered me to be happy, and stress free. It's not easy I tell ya! If only emotions reacted to commands like "BE Happy!"- women would've saved a tonne of money from retail therapy! Anyway, I was drifting happily along yesterday, free of pressure and burden about conceiving, but once in a while my doubts about my infertility would creep into my thoughts. And POW! I would burst into tears. And that happened at least four times yesterday. My heart's in a strange place, drifting between sadness and happiness.

Now there's no way of knowing when I will be expecting my period. If I can pinpoint my ovulation, I can pinpoint AF because my luteal phase is usually constant. This is something I could always count on so that I can plan my activities around the days when I will be knocked out from pain. If I had ovulated today, AF would be cutting close to Christmas but at least I know I would have a week to plan my Christmas celebrations. Now I have no clue. And I need to be sober and functional as it's my turn to host Christmas this year for my family! I really don't want to spend my christmas in pain...

I wish I could fly away from all this misery. I can't. So I did the next best thing. My husband and I have planned to go away for a short vacation to a beach destination for a few days. I just booked the hotel and we are leaving on Monday. Rain is expected but I don't care. I know it's just a distraction, but I hope I will be able to find some peace in my heart and rekindle some much needed romance with my dear hubs after all that mechanical baby-making duties...

However, all is not doom and gloom in my life. I want to share two things that highlighted my day:

First one:
I was just awarded the Kreative Award by Sonja. Thank you so much for the honor Sonja! You're so sweet for thinking about me! I am so behind on passing this award and the Over the Top Blog Award that I have received, but I haven't got much love to pass around right now in my barren heart. I feel so bad. But I promise - It's only temporary!

Second highlight:
My cat did just the cutest thing! A few hours ago I heard Zoey calling out with that strange Siberian chirping meow of his, "Rrrrouuw, Rrrrouuw, RRROUWW!"I went to see what the commotion was about. Remember Mr Tiger? Zoey had found Mr Tiger on my bedside table and carried it all the way down the stairs. He was so proud to have brought me a gift! I don't know how he managed to lug it down in his mouth cos Mr Tiger is almost as big as him!  What a cutie! Mr Tiger is my mascot for hope. Do you think it's a good omen? Is god working in mysterious ways through my cat? LOL!

My Liver's Having A Bad Day!

Well, well, I never thought I'd see this day, but AF has finally packed her bags and left, along with all that miserable pain!

So I went in for my doctor's appointment at the TCM clinic today hoping to get some burning luurve for my body-- err..., I mean, moxa. But my doc says,

"Why is your liver so stressed?"

Uhmmm.... ???

Apparently it wasn't food related.

So I fessed up--I think I did not have enough sleep. (Gulp!)

But, but, it wasn't my fault! It was Aunt Flo's fault. And Aunt Endo's. They were having a party last week and didn't let me sleep. As a result, they've turned my whole sleeping cycle upside, down, not that it was ever right side up in the first place. I live a largely nocturnal life, which is queer by most people's standards. But now, I live in Mar's time zone. Or somewhere unearthly!

Last night I went to bed at 5 a.m.

I woke up at 7 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.

I tried torturing myself to sleep, reading one photography book, one cancer book, one recipe book, numerous rounds of Sudoku.

And drove my cat crazy (who was really trying very hard to sleep at the foot of my bed) with cuddles, and stroking and petting, and jibberish crazy cat-woman talk.

After a light lunch, I finally went to sleep at 1.30 p.m. (These are the perks of working at home at your own hours!) Slept for 3 hours and woke up at 4.30 p.m. to rush to the clinic! So...

"No moxa today!"

But why?

Reason: My liver's already stressed so we don't want to heat it up even more.

"If you want to do moxa tomorrow, make sure you sleep tonight!" he says.

It's now 5.33 a.m. Aaaaarrrgghhhhhhhhh!!!!

(Un)Happy Halloween!

This is my cat doing the "Hunchback"! He didn't need a halloween costume and neither was he impersonating! He was very upset at me for pouring down greasy, oily medication down his ears for days to treat his ear mites. To him, that liquid was like the ultimate evil that was attacking him--He would shake his head berserkly from side to side till it all oozed out onto his lovely fluff!

He no likes!

Alas, that was many "ears" ago and thankfully, that was the last I saw of "Zoey the Hunchback"!

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I think it's apt that I dedicate this "I will keel you" pic to the evils out there. Attention to all:

• Infertility diseases that plague us with immense psychological, physical and financial suffering

• Fertile women who rub it in our faces that they're pregnant, again, and how easy it was

• Relatives and friends who keep asking us when we're gonna start a family

• Insurance companies that tell us our medical treatments are not covered because we're technically not sick or eligible

• Those Nurse Jekylls (thanks Maddy) and so called Dr Hydes that prick and prod us and experiment with us like we're just lab rats with no feelings

• Those OPKs and HPT tests that always turn up NEGATIVE

• AFs that always show up every month, especially after you just peed on dollars worth of HPTs

• People who tell us TTCs to "Just Relax...."

THIS PIC IS FOR YOU!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

A Day To Celebrate!

Today, October 29th, is National Cat Day! And I'd like to pay tribute to my wonderful Fluff of Fur for all the love, cuddles, entertainment, laughter and companionship he's given to me and my husband since he came into our lives 8 years ago.

He's given us so much. Even

Customized frayed and holey furniture...

Long-lasting claw marks from overzealous playtime...

Hairball surprises where you least expect it...

Dead animal "presents"...

Midnight walks all over my face--when I'm sleeping...

Litter-box duty...

And not to mention, always in vogue fur-covered clothes...

It has all been worth it!

I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him putting up with his crazy human parents either, but I'd like to think that he's had a blessed and a very interesting life with us! See inset pic of balloonified Zoey waiting to take flight ;-) ! (I swear no cat was harmed in the making of this image - a bit humiliated perhaps...)

Even if real human kids come into the picture later, Zoey will always be my furry baby! Okay, gotta go - time to smother my furball with some luuuurve!

Freedom!

Zoey Escapes! This is one of the many times that my cat Zoey attempts to escape from the house. I had left one window opened in the bathroom and he fearlessly went for it! He has given me many heart-attacks over the short course of his life!

I always keep Zoey indoors, afraid that the dogs in the neighborhood would get to him. And I'm paranoid about catnapping too! Yes, you could say I am a rather over-zealous and over-protective "mum" to Zoey. But he is my "baby"! Although I foiled his Great Escape this time, I met him on the other side and let him enjoy the outdoors under supervision, as I always do everyday. He must have felt great about his freedom, because he was extremely contented after that.

I too have been feeling this exhilaration of freedom - freedom from intense pain that usually dogs me a few days a month when AF visits. The last few days have been incredible because I was pain-free after CD1. I usually only see the four walls of my bedroom during the first few days of my period, compliments of endometriosis. Today is only CD5 but already, I feel like weeks have passed and I've lived such a full life: I've been out for dinners, out on a movie date with hubby, gone to the clinic for acupuncture, hung out at Starbucks with my fav caramel hot chocolate, managed to mop the floors, do the laundry, iron a mountain of clothes, clean the litter box, cook meals, make Zoey a new toy, reach out to my friends, do my work and blog! Plus the usual eat-shit-sleep!

I am amazed at how much life can be lived in just 5 days, and stunned by the realization that this is how much endo robs from me every month! Endo has imprisoned me for such a long time, and I am thrilled to be breaking out from its clutches. The freedom to live my life the way I want, while bleeding, has been liberating and exhilarating! I owe so much to my TCM doctor for making me better and for helping me regain my life back. Down you go endo! Down-you-go!

I feel so happy and free! A quote from Walter Matthau (as Albert Einstein) in the movie "IQ" sums it up passionately for me --

WA-HOOOOO!

My Cat's Favourite Hobby

I thought I'd distract myself from obsessing over my 2WW by posting something about my furry baby. I was out all day attending a friend's wedding anniversary celebration and had to leave my fluff-ball alone at home for a whole 9 hours. Poor Zoey! I wonder what he feels when he's alone at home for that many hours. Anxiety? Loneliness? "YAY! I can do whatever I want!"? I came home and nothing was broken. And the sofa's still intact. Well, he probably slept all day... Cats have an amazing talent - they can sleep 28 hours a day! This is one of the many pics I have of Zoey sleeping. Anything is comfortable to him, and he doesn't care for luxurious beds. The cheaper the better! This is one of his favourite sleeping spots - a cheap $2 plastic basket.