My Worst Buy-EVER!

Have you ever bought anything on sale, like a top or skirt, taken it home, and then cursed yourself insane for spending your money on the most horrendous thing you had ever laid your eyes on?

Well, I did that recently - not on clothes, but on a "fluff" novel that had a 20% discount. Having had a taste of romantic novels recently and liked it, I decided to venture out into Danielle Steel land. She's possibly the most successful romantic novelist of our time. Steel has written like a zillion best sellers and I didn't know where to start. So this book that was displayed at the front of the book store caught my eye-especially its bright 20% discount sticker!

"Beneath the charm, there lurked the dangers of possessive love..." it said. Hmmm, sounds interesting. To sum it up, it's about a woman who falls irresistably in love with a magnetic, charming man and is whisked away to his palatial Irish estate. But then lies, jealousy and secrets begin to surface. Is she paranoid, or is the man she loves hiding something worse?... And with that brief tantalizer, I was sold.

I took it home, and then I stumbled upon a one-paragraph page at the beginning of the book. Steel wrote in her own ominous words, the definition of a sociopath.

Oh! Crap! What have I bought? That doesn't sound like a fluffy love story! It's a forewarning- it's going to be a scary story about a psycho who destroys a woman! I was going to save this for my 2WW but this was way too scary and intense for a time when I'm supposed to be relaxed and happy for my hormones to be in good shape! So I started reading it, to have it out of the way by my next 2WW.

WTF????----

(Warning: Spoiler...)

After a month-long whirlwind romance, the man decides that he wants to make a baby with her. She was 44 years old and she wasn't ready to start a family at her age with a man she hardly knew. He tricks her into visiting a fertility clinic where she winds up doing a full-on fertility work-up. That very visit, they discover that, at age 44 I stress, her eggs were wonderful and that she was ovulating. His SA revealed that he had superb sperm count, at age 46. The doctor immediately recommends artificial insemination there right away (IUI I'm guessing, surely not IVF!) but she declines. They leave the clinic and they find out later that her "FSH levels is as low as a twenty-year-old's and her estrogen level is terrific!"  

WTF??? I was so upset at this point. A 44 year-old has great eggs and terrific FSH and estrogen? And the guy's perfect too fertility-wise? Aw, c'mon!

Then, that night, they get drunk on champagne, have wild, passionate sex and forget about using contraception. And you can guess what happens next- Let's say it together now:

SHE GETS PREGNANT!

WTF? WTF? WTF???

She POAS and sees a very faint second line. She looks at it at every angle and keeps seeing two lines! The words "Two Lines" appear 4 bloody times on that page. OK! We get it already!

They set up house and she actively takes part in the restoration of the property, which the man objected to because she was pregnant. She miscarries at 3 months and he blames her-"You killed our baby!....You fucked it all up!... It was a shitty thing to do, to the baby, and to me. You killed a healthy baby..."

WT Bloody F???

And now the miscarriage is her fault, and a murder?

Come ON! I know it's fiction but, really? I got so damned annoyed and angry I stopped reading at that point! I mean, we infertiles all know how ridiculous this whole super-fertile-at-40-something-and-getting-knocked-up-at-first-try saga is!

And I can't believe my luck! Can you imagine-

Out of all the guzillions of books in the store, I had to pick a book out like this one. That had to be about fertility, pregnancy and miscarriage. The very topics that I'd wanted to get away from for just a few of hours of my life. And I paid for this torture too!

This is a book that every infertile she never, ever, EVER have on her list! So be warned, if you're having problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant-Stay away from Danielle Steel's "Matters of The Heart".

Even if they were giving it away for free!

Mega Update-Get Your Popcorn ready

Holy crap! It's been two weeks since I last posted here. I'm sorry if you've been visiting my blog and keep finding that same darn old post every time! I have been around. Other people's blogs, that is. Just not here very much! Everyone's else's lives seem much more progressive and interesting... Me? I'm just stuck in a limbo, going around in circles, looking for that elusive miracle doctor who can help me out of this IF rut!

Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary.  I can't wait!

We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...

I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me?  Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.

He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me?  Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!

So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal.  Could I be pregnant?  I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?

Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.


Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.

Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.


And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests)  or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.

Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency:  he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff!  He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I quizzed him about manual acupuncture (no electricity) and why he didn't practice that. Straight away he said that it was very painful and everyone in the clinic would be screaming! "Who would come?" he exclaimed. Okay..... I knew from first hand experience that that was the absolute truth! He explained that manual acupuncture involved twiddling the needle till it hits the bull's eye (The acupuncture point). He said that electro-acupuncture was just as effective. In electro-acupuncture, the acupuncture points are triggered via electricity that is relayed through the needles.  I was under the impression that electro-acupuncture was slower and less effective, but according to current research, electro-acupuncture was actually more effective in treating many different conditions and longer-lasting. Ding! Ding! 

TCM Doc - 1 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

And TCM Doc's electro-acupuncture sure is a hell lot less painful than Dr Yeeeouch! Ding! Ding!

TCM Doc - 2 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0. 

I asked hubby: How long will you be willing to continue treatment with Dr Yeeeouch?

DH: Till I reach the stage where I can't take the pain any longer. 

Me:  "I have reached that stage already!"

DH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

I don't think you'd be surprised if I told you that I've pretty much made up my mind to abandon Dr Yeeeouch.  So I'm going back to TCM Doc, at least till I find another one, god-willing!

And then I've been meaning to tell you that I've started doing chi gong exercises diligently for up to 2 hours a day, everyday. I learnt a form of healing chi gong from a master many years ago, and I should have taken advantage of this knowledge to help my infertility. But it takes serious discipline. To sit and breathe and think nothing for minimum 30 mins is pure torture for me. And I'm lazy. But now I'm desperate. (BTW, this is much like the chi gong exercise that is recommended in the book "The Infertility Cure"). I am also practicing another form of chi gong-come-meditation exercise that is recommended in the book "The Tao of Infertility". Chi gong is a form of exercise where you harness your body's own chi to heal your body. I can focus the chi on a certain part of my body or set it free to seek out the trouble spots in my body. With the recent exercises, the chi went straight for my kidney point, causing me to sway back & forth uncontrollably. I just find it fascinating that it knows just where I need healing the most. I am hoping that these chi gong exercises will help balance my deficiencies quicker and heal any problems that are contributing to my infertility. At the very least, it should increase the chi and blood circulation around my body. Yup, I have to prime my body up for baby-makin time! 

And I've been meaning to tell you that this month is the 1-year anniversary of my one-and-only pregnancy which I eventually lost in March 2009. Finding out that I was pregnant in a small motel room overlooking a cemetery in Fresno after 4 years of TTC wasn't exactly how I imagined I would discover the happy news, but the joy and the awe was certainly real and overflowing. And Bryce Canyon, Utah will forever be filled with bittersweet memories - It remains in my mind a place so fascinatingly beautiful but devastatingly haunted by the memory of my miscarriage. Spookily, I will be leaving for my Maldives vacation on 1st march, exactly the same date that I embarked on my doomed vacation last year. But hopefully, this Maldivian holiday will mark a new chapter for a wonderful and happy beginning for us.  

There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-)  I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation!  But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...

Post-natal Care after Miscariage

My recovery after my miscarriage has not been an easy one, often plagued by pain during and in between Aunt Flo's visits. Although I had improved minutely from cycle to cycle, it can be seen as a regression in my condition, compared to the progress I had made before my miscarriage/pregnancy. I had been pain-free for a few months after acupuncture and herbs pre m/c, but I could not understand why I had regressed. My TCM doc told me it was because a miscarriage weakens the body, and as I had neglected to take care of my body after the m/c, I had inherited a whole new set of problems that had aggravated my endo again.

So today, I want to share about the importance of post-natal care as explained by my doctor. According to TCM, a woman who suffers a m/c has to go through the same care as a woman who has had a baby because what the body goes through is essentially the same. The body is taxed to its max with hormonal surges during pregnancy and loss of blood when the baby comes out, whether alive or not. A woman's body needs to be nourished and healed after these massive changes. In TCM practice, the woman is confined to her home for one month with rest and intensive changes to her diet and activities. She is often fed lots of ginger to expel the "wind", kept warm and banned from bathing or touching water among other things, to prevent her from getting more "wind". Failing to do so often leads to problems later in life such as arthritis and rheumatism and the sudden appearance of conditions that western medicine labels as "unexplained" illness. To illustrate the importance of post-natal care, my TCM doc related to me an incident where a head nurse from a hospital had gone swimming after 3 weeks of giving birth. That night, her body turned blue and then black and she died the next day. She wasn't even supposed to touch water, and she had instead gone to the other extreme! This is unexplained in western medicine, but TCM recognizes this as a fatal result from exposure to cold and water that adversely affected an already much weakened body.

Although I didn't go to the extreme of swimming after the m/c (it was winter anyway) I only rested (bed-ridden rather) for 4-5 days, I had my regular showers and ate burgers and icy cold coke - hardly a nourishing diet. In retrospect, these were the sorts of actions that caused me to regress, as I had completed neglected to take good care of my body. When I resumed treatment with my TCM doctor, he did confirm that I had "confinement wind" - wind that I got during the time when I should have been confined to intensive post-natal care. He said that these problems were very difficult to rid off and very, very bad as they stay with you for the rest of your life, if left untreated, developing into health problems later in life. I can see then why my progress had been extremely slow.

What I found interesting was the point he brought up about how every culture had their own post-natal care regiment, which unfortunately had started to disappear with the appearance of modern western medicine about 100 years ago. In his knowledge, even many of his patients from all parts of the world like Sweden, Germany Netherlands, Africa, had told him that they too had their own traditional post-natal practices.

I think many of these traditional practises are perceived as old wives' tales or myths today. It's important to realise that our forefather's or rather "foremothers" knew what they were doing back in those days as they had little or no medicine to help them, and their best fight against illness was prevention. This lesson has been lost with the popularity of modern western medicine that only worries about illnesses when they appear. With the kind of lifestyle that we have now and our approach to medicine today, it is no wonder why so many people in the world are ill today.

There are many IF sisters like myself who have had miscarriages and even multiple ones, who do not understand why things are not working out for them even with the help of all sorts of expensive treatments. Our continued ignorance and neglect may be contributing to our infertility. Perhaps it's time to go back to our roots and pay attention to the importance of traditional post-natal care. We owe it to ourselves to respect our bodies and give it the best care so that we can be the best possible vessel for our babies to come into this world. And be in our best shape so that we can care for them after they are born.

Pregnancy and Miscarriage - My Joy, My Pain

This past week, our blogosphere has been filled with horrible news about miscarriages. Reading about them makes my heart ache, and feelings of my own tragic loss have been flooding back to me. My own loss happened in March this year. I have never been able to write about it, but I realise that I needed some closure. And by coming to terms with it in writing, perhaps I will be able to close that chapter of my life.

I will always remember March 2009 as one of the most intensely joyous and painful times of my life, for it was then that I discovered I was pregnant for the first time in my life, after having been infertile for four years, and then having lost it all in a matter of weeks - all while I was on one of the biggest vacations of my life.

My husband and I had planned a super vacation that would last 6 weeks. We would traverse across 3 states - California, Utah and Arizona, skiing and visiting some of the most gorgeous landscapes. It was possibly THE LAST vacation we would enjoy as a couple before embarking on a journey towards parenthood. We had been struggling with infertility but with our new found treatment, we were quite hopeful. I had expected my period on the first day of our vacation, but I was not worried about the debilitating pain, simply because my TCM treatment had "cured" me. My period never came and I didn't think much of it because they were always irregular anyway. We were enjoying our days skiing, but even though I trained for it, I found myself unusually unfit and tired. After a week had passed I suggested to DH that I could be pregnant. He laughed it off - I mean we always joked about being pregnant for years whenever my period was late (as it was often unpredictable) but it was always a Big Fat Negative! So he thought it was probably just another one of those. He told me to wait another week before testing. But after a few days, I just had to know! I couldn't stand the suspense any longer. I remember going to Target and spending a good half hour looking at all the different pregnancy test kits - it was all so new to me!

The next morning, I saw two pink POSITIVE lines! I was in a daze! And so surprised! I woke DH up from his sleep straight away and told him the news. We were so happy but we both just sat on the motel bed, dazed! I mean - it was hard to believe - after 4 years of trying! We had taken a break from TTC and the only infertility treatment we had was natural chinese herbs and acupuncture for 4 months prior to that! And what was even more amazing was that we only started trying to conceive the month before! Talk about Traditional Chinese Medicine being super effective-at least for me!

And then horror struck me - I had taken a tumble while skiing the day before. We had some of the biggest snowstorms of the year and had deep powder. Not knowing how to ski in deep powder, I had fallen something like 3 times within the first 100 yards down the mountain. Luckily it was a pretty soft landing. We didn't know what quite to do next about the pregnancy, but as we had planned our itinerary to the minutest detail and booked all our hotels already, we decided to continue on with our vacation. I knew that many women were able to continue on with an active life with their pregnancy and I promised myself that I would not get paranoid over the baby's safety. I would continue skiing but decided to take it easy and try my damnedest not to fall!

That week of skiing was rather uneventful, thankfully, but it was very hard being pregnant, for the first time, away from home, from any medical care or access to information. Eating healthily while on a budget and on vacation was tough too. And all I wanted to do was learn what my body was going through and what I ought to do. Thank god for all the free wi-fi that came with our hotel rooms. Google was our only source information!

As days passed, I had started to spot. I started to stress out and fear for the baby. What compounded my fear was that I had no access to my regular care provider. I was so far away from home - from any support. Google had become my pregnancy bible and that was the only place I was able to search for answers. I had read that some women continued having a successful pregnancy even though they bled heavily. That gave me hope. I had also read that miscarriage was usually caused by genetic problems in the conception, not physical activity because it was still very tiny and very well protected by the uterus. So it was unlikely that my skiing had caused danger to my baby. By that time our skiing trip was over, but I continued to spot off and on, and sometimes with quite a bit of blood. I had fantasised about telling our friends and family about our pregnancy, and seeing the joy on their faces, but now I was in danger of losing it all. For the first time in my life, I had wished my vacation was over.

But hotels were already booked and our friends had already made plans to join us for part of our vacation. So many things were at stake. But I also knew that if I were to miscarry, it would likely be nature's way of terminating a bad conception, and chances of stopping it were slim. Even progesterone supplements do not always work. I was prepared to accept my fate whatever the outcome.

By that time I was somewhere out in the middle of nowhere in Utah. We had planned to visit all the great National Parks of the Southwest. So there was no medical care around. Not even a clinic in the small towns we stayed in. The spotting did not cease. Scared and stressed as I was, I just had to wait and let my body sort itself out.

We continued sightseeing, visiting amazing places like Zion NP and Antelope Canyon, and I continued to spot. I was having so much fun but I was also having the worst time of my life. I didn't know if I was having a missed miscarriage. And then it finally happened. I will never forget the day I had the true miscarriage - We had gone on a hike at Bryce Canyon that had some of the most amazing scenery ever. It was freezing cold and I pretty much wore most of my ski stuff - ski pants and jacket! The trail was a loop that started at the top, and took us down into the canyon floor and then back up again. I was really enjoying myself. The views were fascinating and breath-taking!

And then the cramps started. I felt a humungous rush of blood soaking up my pad. I believed it must have soaked through my underwear and if not for the black waterproof ski pants I had on, it probably would have shown through. I knew something was very wrong. The cramps got worse and F**K! I was only half way through the trail. There was no elevator or stretcher or ambulance - There was just no way out except to hike back up. I thought I had never felt so miserable in my life! I just had to trudge on.

I finally got back up and out of the trail, and rushed straight to the public restrooms. When I pulled down my underwear I saw a big solid mass. It was the placenta. I broke down and cried uncontrollably. For the first time, I had undeniable proof that I WAS pregnant, and that I had lost it. All I had before were 2 pink lines on a stick. No doctor, no blood test, no ultrasound and no heartbeat to confirm if a baby was really growing inside of me. With visual proof now, it hit me hard. And I was devastated that I had to find out like this. I cried and cried in that toilet stall. There were masses of tourists going in and out of the restrooms, but I never felt so alone. I finally picked myself up. I wrapped the placenta in tissue, placed it on my pocket and walked to the car where my husband was waiting for me. My poor husband was shocked to see me burst into tears. It was a while before I could bring myself to actually utter the words of what I had just experienced. I am so grateful my husband was there for me, but that was only just the beginning of the pain.

The next few days was hell for me. The emotional pain was completely taken over by physical pain. I was lying in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere and I had extremely bad cramps. I did not know what to do. I decided I had better abstain from taking painkillers because the cramping was there for a reason -to expel whatever remains there were of the pregnancy. After 6 hours, I couldn't take it anymore- I gave in and took my usual pain meds. And then came the worst attack of gastritis I ever had. I was completely bed ridden. I had excruciating pain in the uterus and the stomach. It was utter hell! My dear, dear husband took care of me as I was completely dependent on him. The next morning, it snowed and we had to check out and move to another town. It was agony trying to get dressed and move and even sit in the car. There wasn't a clinic there, and there wasn't even a pharmacy in the next town to get something for the gastric attack. Hell continued. I was bedridden in the next town. The pain was so bad, I was gasping for air and hyperventilating. Every movement - even to roll onto my side was excruciating, like a knife cutting thru me. I had never felt so scared or so much agony. I was afraid that a bleeding ulcer was forming, and worse, my stomach was perforated. I feared for my life. I think we were at Capital Reef Park at that time, hundreds of miles from the next biggest town. We had to make a decision whether to rush to a hospital and abandon our trip all together. I was stubborn, and waited for my breaking point.

I don't know how but by the grace of god, I made it through with my beloved husband at my side every step of the way. I remember my husband driving me around through the parks and I watched the scenery go by as I recovered. I could hardly walk - every step felt like a pounding that reverberated through my sore stomach and uterus painfully. I had to hang on to my husband and it took me 10 times longer than normal for me to get anywhere. Old people were whizzing past me on foot. I was reminded how ill I really was. By the 5th day after my miscarriage, I had managed to hike a 3 mile trek with a 500-foot elevation to see Delicate Arch. I hadn't intended to do that in my condition, but I couldn't stand to see my husband looking so disappointed. He would have had to miss out on Utah's most famous and iconic monument as he would never leave me on my own, with the state of health I was in. It was already 5pm that day, and I thought what the hell, we should just go for it! I managed to summon my strength and made it there and back safely. It was worth the trip!

Although I was recovering, I was still very scared. I had no medical care since it all happened, and there was the possibility of infection. I wasn't out of the woods yet. The stress just kept going, from one thing to another. Some women miscarry completely on their own with no complications. I was praying that I would be one of them. The bleeding continued for what seemed like forever. It finally stopped after two weeks. I had no fever and no weird symptoms. Just a very broken heart and weakened body.

We had kept the placenta with us all that time. I was surprised how "attached" my husband also was to it. It just felt wrong to throw it in the bin or flush it down the toilet. I didn't see a foetus-it may have been there, but to me, that placenta, represented the baby I had always wanted. The one that came into our lives briefly. We decided we would bury it in a special place. We found a spot under a juniper tree in the "Valley of the Gods", near Monument Valley. It just felt like the right place. And that's where we left our "baby".

We did accomplish everything we wanted to do on our vacation and after that, I finally had a check up with a gynae. That in itself was another ordeal as the gynae I was with was an ass of a doctor! I decided to go with another gynae. He was very understanding and he had thought it would be a good idea for me to continue with the herbs and acupuncture since it had helped me conceive. I have his support and after an ultrasound, he gave me the all clear. I didn't need a D&C - everything seemed to have been expelled naturally. And I resumed treatment with my TCM doctor a week after that.

This has to be one of the most painful and testing experiences in my life. I had never known such pain, nor stress nor guilt. I still don't know if I am to blame for the miscarriage - Was I not careful enough? Was it something I did or didn't do? Would I have been able to save the baby if I had seeked medical treatment? My TCM doctor had warned me before about going to the mountains because of the altitude and lack of oxygen (incase I was pregnant), and I defied his "orders". And I miscarried. I just have so much guilt in me. It is not good for me to harbour so much negativity inside me, so I know I have to stop blaming myself. But it is difficult. I have never been able to get over it completely because of this guilt. I feel like my heart has been darkened with a stain that cannot be removed. It is still a process.

But as agonizing and difficult this whole experience was for me, I came out of it with 2 greatly positive things:
I CAN get pregnant! And I have discovered a strength I never knew I had. And it is this hope and strength that carries me through my journey towards motherhood everyday.

A Reflection Of My Journey

As optimistic as I am with the prognosis of TCM in my situation, it has not been a smooth ride. I've had the fortune of experiencing 1) months where I was pain-free, and 2) one miraculous pregnancy (at least to me!). But I have also lost the baby, dealt with the most extreme physical pain I've ever known, and my body is still battling to recover to full health since my miscarriage-- all this in the last 10 months since I started my course on Traditional Chinese Medicine.

So where in my heart do I stand with TCM? The lack of progress in the last few months has shaken me up a bit, but I still want to believe badly that this course of treatment will work for me. For one, my initial response to the treatment turned me from a sceptic to a believer. My TCM doctor told me that if I followed his recommendations, the awful pain I experienced with my period would decrease by 50%. When my next period came around, the pain had decreased not by 50%, but by 100%! That means NO PAIN! None! Zilch! I was astounded! Thinking it was a fluke, the next period came along, and again, no pain! And the same with the next. I have suffered pain from endometriosis for more than 10 years of my life, and to have this gone after a month of treatment really shocked me. It converted me into a believer. How can it not? And to top it off, I had a surprise of my life when I found out I was pregnant while I was on vacation. We had failed to conceive on our own for 4 years, and after 4 months of treatment, out of which we had only TTC during one cycle, we conceived straight away! It was so clear that the treatment had been affecting my body positively. And it is because of these amazing results that I believe in the healing powers of this form of medicine.

However, the miscarriage has knocked me back several steps. TCM advocates paying particular attention to healing after birth/miscarriage due to the loss of energy and blood, which I had neglected to do out of ignorance. And I have failed to realise the consequences of my ignorance until today, when I found out how weak my body still is. Last week, in an effort to heal me more aggressively, I underwent moxibustion sessions 5 days in a row. My body responded so well to it and my energy levels began to rise. I thought I was on my way. But after having a 2-day break over the weekend, my session with my TCM doc today revealed that I had degenerated again. I was so disappointed! My doctor had always told me that problems inherited after pregnancy due to neglect is a "terrible, terrible thing" that can affect a person for the rest of her life if not treated. The last 5 months since I miscarried, I have suffered some of the worst pain I ever felt from a period, even with treatment. Nor have I been able to conceive. The difference in my body's response to TCM treatment pre and post miscarriage is obvious. I have inherited more problems now on top of my endometriosis and pre-existing problems. If only I knew what I should have done back then... I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated.

But TCM has worked for me before. I AM able to get pregnant. I've OVERCOME the pain before. And with a little more diligence and patience, there is no reason why it won't work for me again. So I am soldiering on with my head high. I have a great doctor, a promising treatment and a loving husband who's with me every step of the way. I WILL achieve my dreams.

Aunt Flo's Horrible Visit

Another awful visit from Aunt Flo this time. This would be my third period after my miscarriage. The last cycle leading up to this period was terribly  disappointing because my body was so out of whack. I was looking forward to some serious baby dancing this cycle, but my body did not ovulate. It usually happens around Day 20 but the ovulation stick basically said No Way Hosea! I peed on so many ovulation sticks, day after day, that I finally gave up because the ovulation sticks always came back a resounding NO! However I suspect that -based on my body temperature and the discharge- that if I did ovulate it might have been at Day 28. That's 4 weeks into my cycle, which is too late in my opinion to have a hormonally healthy environment for a viable pregnancy. My period was also a week later than usual. And all this culminating into another excruciatingly painful period. 

I was so upset not only by the pain but the fact that my body had shown no signs of improvement despite having religiously taken the herbal medicine everyday, sitting through acupuncture twice weekly, sleeping with a hot water bottle on my uterus and abstaining from cold, icy drinks throughout the month. Oh well, except for maybe twice when I gave into ice cold coke and some ice-cream! But that was only two days out of the entire cycle! 

In TCM, painful periods are the result of a condition called blood stasis, which is evident as passing  dark coloured blood and clots during periods. I had plenty of clots this time, and I can't believe that it was all due to those two sinful days! So I asked Master L, my TCM doc why this was happening despite following his treatment-which had been very effective for me when I first started. Within a month of his treatment I had pain-free periods and within 4 months I had conceived. But after my miscarriage, the treatments were getting no where. It had been 3 cycles since the miscarriage - and despite all the treatment, my cycles were longer and the periods were horrifically painful and heavy. The only improvement I had this last period was that I felt 30% less pain and that the flow was not very heavy. It was too little of an improvement for me because I was still bed-ridden for days, breaking out into cold sweat and keeled over in pain and not being able to sleep or eat because of the pain. This did not feel like progress to me.

Master L's explanation was that my body had not forgiven me for the abuse that it suffered after the miscarriage due to the lack of care I had given it. I did not rest and heal and nourish my body the way I should have. As a result my body is still reeling in from the consequences of my neglect and there are still some unresolved problems in my system. Suffering from conditions such as endo and hormonal imbalance meant that I was suffering from a bigger set back than normal healthy women who had miscarriages.  His conclusion was that what he did for me was not good enough - that his treatment was right, but it had to be "more right" (his words!) As for me, that meant 100% diligence in abstaining from cold and raw food. Ai-yai-yai!  So with my silly logic I asked him- if ingesting cold stuff was a problem, wouldn't it be ok to drink something very hot following a cold drink to counteract the coldness? His reply was that it would be like putting on a band-aid after first stabbing your body with a knife.  Sigh! I guess there's just no cheating!