I caved in and POAS today - 10DPO (CD 44). And all I got was a
BIG
FAT
NEGATIVE!
I mean, really, what was I expecting? A miracle??!?
Yeah. Actually, I was. I was hoping for some wonderful news to lift me out of my misery. Well, I should've known better - hoping and wishing with all your might isn't how you make babies. At least not in my case. Not even with all the help I'm getting from my TCM docs. Being electrocuted, pricked a million times over with needles, and drinking stinking black potions have not done the trick for me. Maybe it's just not enough.
This is the last month we're supposed to try au naturel, with a boost from TCM. I can't figure out why it worked a year ago, but not again since the m/c. Is that all god wants for me in my life - just a taste of pregnancy that lasts only a few weeks? Is that all I deserve?
I'm so hoping for a BFP this cycle so we won't have to go into invasive procedures . But it looks like we''ll have to break the bank and get a whole team of people involved to help us get pregnant. It seems like the drama of having a baby is going to be more epic than I ever imagined it to be for myself...
Anyways, I'm taking some time off from my blog, and I'll catch up with you when I get back. Tomorrow, I'll be heading for Vacation Hell No.2. with the in-laws! Hooray!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Vacation Hell
Well, I made it back from vacation with my in-laws! And as expected, their obsession with the Golden Child a.k.a. Her Royal Highness (my 5 yr-old niece--see my last 2 posts) and their general paranoia drove me up the wall! You would think that a family vacation by the beach would be a fun and relaxing affair, but no... At least not for me. I so need to vent and let some of this steam out, but I might have a heart attack reliving it in detail, so here's the "short" of it:
Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.
2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.
3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.
4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.
5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!
6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!
(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)
And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!
And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!
So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!
Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no! Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired. Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!
I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.
And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now.... 137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!
Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.
This is a very odd and unusually long cycle. My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.
My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?
Things that made me want to tear my hair out while on vacation with my in-laws:
1) As soon as we got to the hotel, the first agenda was what time we were having dinner. Can you just chill already? It had been a long day that started at 5am. 5 hours in the car, 30 mins by boat excluding pee stops and lunch break. We hadn't even stepped into our rooms yet. A vacation is not the time to be worrying about appointments! Can't they just relax and go with the flow? Bad start.
2) Everything we did had to revolve around Her Royal Highness' needs or schedule. A round-the-island trip was cancelled because Her Royal Highness was under the weather. The next day, when Her Royal Highness was feeling a bit better, they left for the tour early morning without us. Of course we didn't matter.
3) One night the hotel set-up a themed buffet dinner with a cultural show for all hotel guests al fresco at the lovely poolside. We were shocked to see my FIL and MIL eating in the hot stuffy indoors when everything was set up outside. Why aren't we dining with the guests outside by the pool in the cool evening breeze? Because Her Royal Highness had chosen the table earlier during breakfast and what she says goes. We are not allowed to move without her permission! We have no say in these things because we don't matter.
4) All my FIL cared about was the free WiFi available in the lounge and lobby. Didn't care to spend much time with the family because the internet was more interesting. But when he found out that the speed was slow, all we heard were complaints.
5) Not only did he complain about the slow internet-- the food was lousy, the beach was dirty, and the hotel was too expensive and we could have all gone to a cheaper place. That's the appreciation we get for organizing this holiday for them. He had conveniently forgotten that he and MIL were the ones who chose this resort from a handful that we recommended!
6) When Her Royal Highness developed quite a bad cough and congestion in the nose, they took her to see the resort doctor who prescribed some medication. She had no fever and her mother wasn't very worried about it. But no... that's not good enough for the precious little princess. Grandpa (FIL) called us in our rooms at 10.30pm and told us to pack-up and that we were gonna leave the next day, a whole day earlier than planned. (We would stand to lose $1000 in hotel bookings!) But this is a super mega emergency and they want to get Her Royal Highness to see a doctor back home!
(Thank god Her Royal Highness' father talked some sense into him and said it wasn't necessary-don't you think parents should have a say in what their child needs, not the grandparents?)
And so we get back home on a Saturday night. If they were so worried about Her Royal Highness, I told them they could go to the ER outpatient treatment at the hospital just 300 meters from their place, or at a 24 hour clinic nearby. But no, they had to wait until Monday because they only want to take her to a pediatrician because they think a specialist is what Her Royal Highness deserves. So instead of getting treatment and arresting the problem early, (or at least get her some temporary relief), the poor kid had to endure 2 nights of coughing and restless sleep. I just don't understand their logic! It frustrates the hell out of me! So the longer Her Royal Highness is ill, the longer we all have to suffer!
And you know what? It boggles my mind that when my SIL and BIL come down from LA, they don't bring any money with them. Their airfares are paid for by my FIL, so are their hotels and meals. The least they could do is have some of their own pocket money and pay for their own personal stuff. But no. They don't have any money and keep asking us to buy them things. They are leeches!
So thank god this is all over right? Wrong! We now move on to Phase 2 - Family Vacation No.2! God help me! We haven't even left for the trip yet and they've already managed to piss me off! We're suppose to leave this Saturday for trip No.2 but FIL and MIL decided at the last minute that everyone should go down a day earlier. Why? Because they got a voucher to stay at the Ritz Carlton. So we gotta shuffle our plans to find people to care for our cats and dogs, and pack and get everything ready a day earlier than anticipated. Well, it might have been worth the effort except that we weren't the ones who will get to stay at the Ritz! They were going to move everyone down earlier so that they could enjoy 5-star luxury while we stayed at a cheapie hotel. Turns out there weren't rooms available a day earlier at our cheapie hotel. And everything had to be shifted back to the original dates. Geez! I even made an "emergency" call at night to my mum and woke her from her sleep to ask her if I could arrange to have her take my cat a day earlier. We later found out that there were rooms available, but stingy FIL, who actually insisted on paying for all our hotel rooms from the beginning, felt that the extra $100 a night for a Friday night room wasn't worth it! This is the same guy who gave thousands of dollars to his son-in-law to buy a bigger family car so that they could all fit into one car with Her Royal Highness whenever they made road trips together!
Anyway, for the second trip, since we were driving and didn't have any boat or plane to catch, I thought we could take it easy and leave at a comfortable time. You know-have breakfast, pack up last minute stuff, leave when we're ready and break for some leisurely lunch somewhere. But NO! We have to leave by 7am because they want to get to the hotel by 2am because Her Royal Highness needs to take a nap. And no! Her Royal Highness cannot nap in the car because she would get cranky! WTF? Kids will sleep in the car when they're tired. Her Royal Highness has done it at least twice already! Besides, being out of your comfort zone is part and parcel of travelling! And mind you, they're not the ones who have to be alert and drive-we are! Having to bend backwards for ridiculous demands like this infuriates me! And the list goes on and on, except I don't have the energy to write it all down here! I've just about spent everyday with them since they've been down, and not a day goes by without me rolling my eyes backwards a thousand times or getting terribly irritated with their silly demands and paranoia. And it takes so much effort out of me not to show it so I could keep the peace. I've been so STRESSED!
I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. I've just about had enough of my in-laws! And it didn't help that I'm feeling hormonal and getting super emotional about things! I've been so frustrated, angry and weepy all at the same time over my in-laws! I was so pissed yesterday I hardly spoke a word to them during dinner and just retreated into my own world fiddling with my cellphone. I could see FIL glancing my way all through dinner.
And what was TCM doc's diagnosis of me today? My liver is very stressed. So is my kidney. No surprise there! My blood pressure has been higher than normal. Wait-let me take one reading now.... 137/83! Usually mine's on the low side hovering around 117/68. My in-laws are killing me!
Today is CD43. 9DPO. The 2WW is killing me! I've been horny even after ovulating (I even had 2 erotic dreams) which is very odd because after all that baby-making sex, I usually feel like I could swear off sex forever! I've been hormonal and weepy! My nipples were in agony for a few days (unusual for me) following ovulation (anyone have that?) but its gone now. Walking around today at the mall knocked the wind out of me! Even watching a movie made feel so out of breath! It must be the stress causing my body to cave in. I had crampiness in my ute two days ago but it's gone now.
This is a very odd and unusually long cycle. My body is so out of whack! But I ovulated naturally against all odds on CD33, and I'm hoping that I will still get pregnant against all odds this cycle. But I think any chance of me getting pregnant has already been killed by my in-laws. Stress KILLS fertility! I mean I am so hoping that a BFP will come out of this crazy nightmare, but at the same time, I'm being a realist-luck's never on my side. I am dreading the day AF comes while I'm on Vacation Hell No.2 and having to deal with a BFN AND my usual effing endo pains while surrounded by my in-laws. I don't think anyone here will really understand what it's like for me to see all that love poured out over a child, especially when I can't have a child of my own. It's like rubbing salt on my wounds over and over again.
My heart is in a terrible place. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the strength to get through the next week with my in-laws... Do I keep my mouth shut and fume in silence while playing the good daughter/sister-in-law so that I don't spoil the vacation mood for everyone or, do you think enough is enough?
Monday, March 15, 2010
I am not Oligoovulating!
O.
M.
G.
I am ovulating!
Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy. Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.
So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.
The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance! At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!
So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?
Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:
I never knew I had so much pigment, but they're 100% saturated by now I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for me to get any darker! My ass which is even whiter than that got sunburnt too while we were snorkelling for 3 hours at a stretch one day. The snorkelling was pretty amazing that day. In all my 14 years of diving and snorkelling, I have never seen plankton before and we hit a huge patch of plankton. We didn't know what it was at first but I figured it out cos the fish were in a feeding frenzy! The water was so dense with these bubble-like jelly plankton that I thought a whale shark was gonna come and scoop us into its mouth any minute. Apparently it was possible to see them (it's my dream to swim with a whale shark!) but plankton season which lasts about 3 months there had only just started. And 2-3 weeks before we arrived a huge turtle came and laid her eggs on the beach. We just have no luck!
Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.
Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter! I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....
So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!
I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z
M.
G.
I am ovulating!
Or at least my OPK says I might in the next 24 to 36 hours! This is so incredible because this is CD33! THIRTY THREE! This is the time Aunt Flo usually pays me a visit and camps out for a few days around here. I had just about given up hope! And when I noticed egg-white CM a couple of days ago, I thought my body was going crazy. Infact I blogged about it here with some "WTF"s thrown in. The idea of ovulating so late was such an absurd thing for me because that would mean I'd be having a 50-day cycle! That's pretty much way off the charts for me! I've never looked so hard at my CM before! This morning, I scrutinized it from every angle looking for color and clarity [sounds like diamond shopping;-) ] and stretchiness of course. Sorry! TMI! And my panty was so wet it looked like I peed on it! I didn't know what to think. And of course I didn't bother POAS because I had already given up on the notion of ovulating this month.
So I went to TCM doc for my regular appointment. He told me not to give up hope because sometimes our bodies can sidetrack due to many factors but it could catch up. So after the visit, I went and bought another $100 worth of OPKs. Went home, tested, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets! Even DH did't believe me! I don't know if babydancing at this point would be too late because hub's swimmers are strollers, not Olympians. But we're gonna keep trying. Yay! I'm just thrilled that we're given a chance.
The next few days are gonna be pretty stressful, being on holiday with my hubby's family, but I sure hope that's not going to hold my egg up from making its grand entrance! At least I'll have something to be happy about - Me and my dear Eggy!
So I'm all packed. My luggage is full of tampons and pads and extra underwear. Those were the first things I threw into the bag. But I don't think I'll remove them because we're dealing with a crazy body here. Who knows? AF may still insist on coming with me on vacation! But I hope she missed her flight and got delayed. Oh please Oh please don't come! How sucky is that being on the beach with her?
Well, I can't believe I am going again on a beach vacation just 6 days after coming back from Maldives. I got such a mega tan from Maldives, even with SPF 50! Check out the untanned white band where my watch was:
Our family reunion with the "Golden Child" went quite well yesterday. My FIL went to the airport and presented them with cold fresh towels and freshly squeezed watermelon juice on meeting them (no kidding!). You'd think he was part of a 5-star hotel "meet and greet" staff! All that was missing was the red carpet! And my "psycho" BIL didn't even say "hello" to me when I greeted him. Not a word. Huh! Not surprising! Asshole!
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post (rant) and gave me support over my frustrations with the Golden Child and my in-laws, especially my FIL. I feel consoled that I'm not crazy for thinking how absurd my FIL is towards the "Her Royal Highness", the Golden Child. I realize it's not my niece's fault for being spoiled. But everything that's linked to her seems to be under a crazy spell. Her mother packed 2 suitcases full off her stuff! Somebody remind her that they're not moving house? They're on vacation! Her mother seems to think that her Golden Child isn't able to live with all her comforts. I mean she even asked us the night before they flew off to go down to Borders and get a few audio books, scotch tape and glue for "Her Royal Highness". How much stuff does she need? What about playing and interacting with real people instead of watching movies or listening to the ipod and coloring books and doing arts and crafts. Both DH and I notice that "Her Royal Highness" has trouble interacting with people. She's always in her own world and she seldom has eye contact with people she's speaking to. I believe it's all to do with parenting. My niece and nephew (my side of the family) are so easy-going and well adjusted to their environment and people.
Anyway, I think the drama with "Her Royal Highness" has only just begun. Today, hubby had to take time off work to run around town looking for a voltage/power converter. Why? Because "Her Royal Highness" can't sleep without her night light on which mummy has brought all the way from LA which doesn't work here. Boo hoo! So they MUST have the voltage converter! I'm sure a kid is no party when it's sleepy and miserable. But damn! That's just too much! When I have kids I'm never gonna spoil them like that! I'm gonna bring them up to be easy-going and flexible. Too bad if they can't sleep. By the 2nd or 3rd night they'd be so tired they won't have time to get cranky! And they'll have to learn how to rough it out and travel well. I think kids really don't know better when they're young, but parents spoil them crazy! Anyway, yes, if and when I have kids....
So I'm gonna disappear from blogoland for a while for my "working" vacation. We've been summoned to serve "Her Royal Highness" and we'll be expected to be at her beck and call every second I'm sure!!!
I've been lurking at some of your blogs since I've been back and I have so much to say and share about your journeys, but I'm sorry I haven't found the time to say what I really wanted to say. But I have you all in my heart and mind, and hope that you're all hanging in there with whatever you're going through. I wish you all the best this cycle and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'll catch up with y'all soon. Lotsa Luv, Z
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Vent-O-Rama
I'm back from Maldives! I had the most wonderful time! It was exactly what I have been longing and searching for, and I didn't want to leave!
Our island was beauuuuuutiful and the resort was second to none! We've never been so pampered before in our lives. It was truly a 5-star experience all the way through: We had hotel staff handle all our bags and check-ins at airports, we had a special waiting lounge where we could eat and drink ourselves silly (for free!) while we waited for our flight, we had a personal host that took care of our every need, we had an expresso machine in our rooms with all the decaf coffee we could ever want (we requested decaf-they delivered-plenty!), anytime we hit the beach chairs, someone would come running with iced-water, cool refresher towel, sun tanning oil, face mister and sunblock lotion without us even asking (did I mention, all free?), when the day got kinda hot, they would come up to you at the beach and give us a complimentary shot of some exotic fruit smoothie, breakfast was totally indulgent with all-you-can-eat pastries, eggs done anyway, pancakes, crepes, waffles, buckwheat noodles with Wagyu beef, Maldivian-style breakfast, any style coffee/tea, fruit juice, fruit platter, homemade yogurt, all sorts of breads or toast, and any special request you might have, they gave us complimentary afternoon tea everyday with exotic nibbles from the Moroccan-Maldivian restaurant (when they didn't have ginger tea they would even make some out of fresh ginger for me), they drew a bath for us and filled it with flowers and scented candles all around AND decorated our bed with petals in a heart shape even though we were not honeymooners, there was turn-down service where they left scented candles in our rooms and different gourmet sweet treats every night to wind down the day, they spoiled us with a complimentary couples spa and island tour, they arranged a private dinner on the roof-top without us even asking and even gave us complimentary dessert after that. And our rooms were amazing! It was a private villa with a huge TV we never used, huge comfy bed, daybed, iPod docking station, his and hers sink with his and hers toiletries, indoor rain shower AND an outdoor bathroom with shower and bathtub so you can bathe under the stars. The view was a picture perfect postcard - The sea water was a stunning shade of blue and turquoise, and the coconut tree lined sandy beaches were white and powdery. Everything was perfect. This was paradise.
BUT---
I did not ovulate!
WTF? Bloody F*ckin' @#$%!*$#%!!!
My dreams of coming home with a made-in-paradise baby was crushed. I mean, what should I expect? Miracles don't ever happen to me. Luck is never on my side. I created a perfect getaway for my body, mind and soul, but my body refuses to cooperate. F**k! F**k! F**k!
And I am now not only dreading AF, but so dreading the fact that I'll be on a holiday surrounded by all my in-laws when it happens. My sis-in-law will be flying in from LA with her husband and her 4 yr old daughter "Her Royal Highness" and we, together with my parents-in-law will be going for a beach holiday (yes, yet another one for us). What makes it particularly unbearable for me is the fact that "Her Royal Highness" is so loved and cherished by my parents-in-law and she represents the child my husband and I can't have. I was secretly hoping that come next week, I would have some great news to share--that we too would have one of our own, but it's not to be. We just have to be the barren ones while everyone dotes on the "Golden Child".
Did I ever mention how much I hate "Her Royal Highness"? I have to be the worst Aunt in the world for feeling this, and she's done nothing wrong to deserve this from me. But I am so filled with jealousy. In order for you to understand how special she is-you need to know that her grandparents waited almost 20 years to have their first grandchild. They had given up waiting. "Her Royal Highness"'s father never felt that he would be a good father and it wasn't until they were 40 that they had her. She turned out to be the prettiest baby with the most delightful personality. She was born smiling and laughing! She was like the brightest star among all the stars in the night sky! She's absolutely captivating! Her grandparents, especially her grandfather fell head-over-heels in love with her. She's the Golden Child and she's treated like royalty. No. Like a God!
And ever since she came into the world, everything's about her. Can you imagine how that makes us feel? Her grandfather (my husband's father) cares more about "Her Royal Highness" than his own children. Spoiling her with new toys once in a while is pretty acceptable behaviour and rather expected, but what do you think:
- When he goes out and buys a Mac laptop for her so that he could Skype with her whenever he wants to see his golden grandchild?
- When he had decided for her that she should take up golf young and so she could be some golf prodigy even before she's in her teens
- When he wanted to buy her a Stradivarius violin (some of the world's finest, rarest and most expensive violins) just for her to mess around with just incase she turns out to be a child prodigy
- When he goes out to an electronics store and buys her a real Karaoke machine and mic because she loves to sing
- When he went out and bought her an Olympus camera because she occasionally likes to play with her mother's camera?
- When he emails us from Canada asking us to urgently buy her a gift 6 months in advance (it was some stupid musical light lantern)
- When he decided on a restaurant for our family reunion dinner based on the fact that it serves one of the dishes that "Her Royal Highness" likes to eat. Of course none of our opinions matters.
- When he makes us run around town looking for a child booster seat (months in advance might I add) to install into his car for "Her Royal Highness" while she is visiting
- When he expects my brother who lives one state away to come down and look at his car to confirm if the booster seat can be installed into his car (yes, we barrens are unqualified)
- When his daughter asks for an iPod to keep "Her Royal Highness" entertained on the plane, they get one for her
- When he's already set up a trust fund for her (while there's nothing for his own kids)
- When "Her Royal Highness"'s father (whom I shall refer to as "Psycho" crashes his car, good old grandpa goes out and gives them money to buy an upgrade ie a bigger car so that the whole family can sit with the golden child whenever they visit and travel together
So, yes. I'm a tad jealous and spiteful. Am I over reacting? I feel so terrible and guilty for having these feelings. I am such an awful, awful person to feel this way towards an innocent, beautiful child. But every time I look at her or her guzillion photos that adorn my parents-in-law's home (their house is a shrine to her) all I see is the child we can never have, or the love we can never feel in our family.
And what pisses me off even more is why an asshole like "Psycho" can father such a beautiful child, while we can't. They waited till they're almost 40 and decided they wanted one, and they got pregnant, completely au naturel. Just like that! "Her Royal Highness"'s father is hands down the biggest asshole I have ever met. He has a severe inferiority complex and always feels the need to talk down to people. He's often stern and cold. He has the worst temper and abuses his wife verbally (psychologcally and emotionally too). Let me just give you an example: we were picnicking somewhere in Canada (another big family holiday) and he was cooking up some sausages when his wife (whom I shall refer to as B) casually strolls up to him and asks where the bottle of water was. He flares up and yells in a rage at the top of his voice" FUCK "B"! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?" Like she's not worthy of his attention. I mean WTF was that response for? He belittled her and treated her like trash infront of the whole family. And that's not an exception. I see how badly he treats her all the time and she's always walking on eggshells. It's like something out of "The Joy Luck Club" movie. So many times I wanted to go and give him a big slap across his face! He's trailer trash. Literally. His biological father was in the army and he grew up in a trailer park. I mean he's put himself through college and he's pretty smart and all but he's still a white trash asshole deep down inside. I mean, I can understand why my SIL eloped with him-nobody in the family would have given her the blessing to marry him. And just by luck, he gives my in-laws the most beautiful grandchild they could have ever wanted. I'm just so fuckin' pissed! Why does an asshole like him deserve to have a child while we don't?
Uggghh! I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days. They arrive tomorrow and we'll all be off for our beach vacation on Tuesday. And AF sure's coming along with me too make things worse.
So it's CD31. No ovulation - Eggy MIA again. OPKSs been testing negative for 2 weeks now including today. TCM Doc checked my pulse and said "Nothing" which means Big Fat "FAIL" to me. But out of the blue, today my undies got really wet and I found a huge dollop of jelly-like eggwhite CM. What the f"ck is that? TMI warning--We had sex four days ago but could that still be seminal fluid leaking out? How could it be fertile CM so late in a cycle? And even if I do end up ovulating, my lining would be too old for implantation or pregnancy to be viable. Either way, I'm f*cked!
I'm sorry. I'm supposed to come back from Maldives all refreshed and zen, but all I seem to have now is frustration and bitterness. I mean, Maldives was very special, but I guess paradise is just an escape. This hell is my real life.
Our island was beauuuuuutiful and the resort was second to none! We've never been so pampered before in our lives. It was truly a 5-star experience all the way through: We had hotel staff handle all our bags and check-ins at airports, we had a special waiting lounge where we could eat and drink ourselves silly (for free!) while we waited for our flight, we had a personal host that took care of our every need, we had an expresso machine in our rooms with all the decaf coffee we could ever want (we requested decaf-they delivered-plenty!), anytime we hit the beach chairs, someone would come running with iced-water, cool refresher towel, sun tanning oil, face mister and sunblock lotion without us even asking (did I mention, all free?), when the day got kinda hot, they would come up to you at the beach and give us a complimentary shot of some exotic fruit smoothie, breakfast was totally indulgent with all-you-can-eat pastries, eggs done anyway, pancakes, crepes, waffles, buckwheat noodles with Wagyu beef, Maldivian-style breakfast, any style coffee/tea, fruit juice, fruit platter, homemade yogurt, all sorts of breads or toast, and any special request you might have, they gave us complimentary afternoon tea everyday with exotic nibbles from the Moroccan-Maldivian restaurant (when they didn't have ginger tea they would even make some out of fresh ginger for me), they drew a bath for us and filled it with flowers and scented candles all around AND decorated our bed with petals in a heart shape even though we were not honeymooners, there was turn-down service where they left scented candles in our rooms and different gourmet sweet treats every night to wind down the day, they spoiled us with a complimentary couples spa and island tour, they arranged a private dinner on the roof-top without us even asking and even gave us complimentary dessert after that. And our rooms were amazing! It was a private villa with a huge TV we never used, huge comfy bed, daybed, iPod docking station, his and hers sink with his and hers toiletries, indoor rain shower AND an outdoor bathroom with shower and bathtub so you can bathe under the stars. The view was a picture perfect postcard - The sea water was a stunning shade of blue and turquoise, and the coconut tree lined sandy beaches were white and powdery. Everything was perfect. This was paradise.
BUT---
I did not ovulate!
WTF? Bloody F*ckin' @#$%!*$#%!!!
My dreams of coming home with a made-in-paradise baby was crushed. I mean, what should I expect? Miracles don't ever happen to me. Luck is never on my side. I created a perfect getaway for my body, mind and soul, but my body refuses to cooperate. F**k! F**k! F**k!
And I am now not only dreading AF, but so dreading the fact that I'll be on a holiday surrounded by all my in-laws when it happens. My sis-in-law will be flying in from LA with her husband and her 4 yr old daughter "Her Royal Highness" and we, together with my parents-in-law will be going for a beach holiday (yes, yet another one for us). What makes it particularly unbearable for me is the fact that "Her Royal Highness" is so loved and cherished by my parents-in-law and she represents the child my husband and I can't have. I was secretly hoping that come next week, I would have some great news to share--that we too would have one of our own, but it's not to be. We just have to be the barren ones while everyone dotes on the "Golden Child".
Did I ever mention how much I hate "Her Royal Highness"? I have to be the worst Aunt in the world for feeling this, and she's done nothing wrong to deserve this from me. But I am so filled with jealousy. In order for you to understand how special she is-you need to know that her grandparents waited almost 20 years to have their first grandchild. They had given up waiting. "Her Royal Highness"'s father never felt that he would be a good father and it wasn't until they were 40 that they had her. She turned out to be the prettiest baby with the most delightful personality. She was born smiling and laughing! She was like the brightest star among all the stars in the night sky! She's absolutely captivating! Her grandparents, especially her grandfather fell head-over-heels in love with her. She's the Golden Child and she's treated like royalty. No. Like a God!
And ever since she came into the world, everything's about her. Can you imagine how that makes us feel? Her grandfather (my husband's father) cares more about "Her Royal Highness" than his own children. Spoiling her with new toys once in a while is pretty acceptable behaviour and rather expected, but what do you think:
- When he goes out and buys a Mac laptop for her so that he could Skype with her whenever he wants to see his golden grandchild?
- When he had decided for her that she should take up golf young and so she could be some golf prodigy even before she's in her teens
- When he wanted to buy her a Stradivarius violin (some of the world's finest, rarest and most expensive violins) just for her to mess around with just incase she turns out to be a child prodigy
- When he goes out to an electronics store and buys her a real Karaoke machine and mic because she loves to sing
- When he went out and bought her an Olympus camera because she occasionally likes to play with her mother's camera?
- When he emails us from Canada asking us to urgently buy her a gift 6 months in advance (it was some stupid musical light lantern)
- When he decided on a restaurant for our family reunion dinner based on the fact that it serves one of the dishes that "Her Royal Highness" likes to eat. Of course none of our opinions matters.
- When he makes us run around town looking for a child booster seat (months in advance might I add) to install into his car for "Her Royal Highness" while she is visiting
- When he expects my brother who lives one state away to come down and look at his car to confirm if the booster seat can be installed into his car (yes, we barrens are unqualified)
- When his daughter asks for an iPod to keep "Her Royal Highness" entertained on the plane, they get one for her
- When he's already set up a trust fund for her (while there's nothing for his own kids)
- When "Her Royal Highness"'s father (whom I shall refer to as "Psycho" crashes his car, good old grandpa goes out and gives them money to buy an upgrade ie a bigger car so that the whole family can sit with the golden child whenever they visit and travel together
So, yes. I'm a tad jealous and spiteful. Am I over reacting? I feel so terrible and guilty for having these feelings. I am such an awful, awful person to feel this way towards an innocent, beautiful child. But every time I look at her or her guzillion photos that adorn my parents-in-law's home (their house is a shrine to her) all I see is the child we can never have, or the love we can never feel in our family.
And what pisses me off even more is why an asshole like "Psycho" can father such a beautiful child, while we can't. They waited till they're almost 40 and decided they wanted one, and they got pregnant, completely au naturel. Just like that! "Her Royal Highness"'s father is hands down the biggest asshole I have ever met. He has a severe inferiority complex and always feels the need to talk down to people. He's often stern and cold. He has the worst temper and abuses his wife verbally (psychologcally and emotionally too). Let me just give you an example: we were picnicking somewhere in Canada (another big family holiday) and he was cooking up some sausages when his wife (whom I shall refer to as B) casually strolls up to him and asks where the bottle of water was. He flares up and yells in a rage at the top of his voice" FUCK "B"! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?" Like she's not worthy of his attention. I mean WTF was that response for? He belittled her and treated her like trash infront of the whole family. And that's not an exception. I see how badly he treats her all the time and she's always walking on eggshells. It's like something out of "The Joy Luck Club" movie. So many times I wanted to go and give him a big slap across his face! He's trailer trash. Literally. His biological father was in the army and he grew up in a trailer park. I mean he's put himself through college and he's pretty smart and all but he's still a white trash asshole deep down inside. I mean, I can understand why my SIL eloped with him-nobody in the family would have given her the blessing to marry him. And just by luck, he gives my in-laws the most beautiful grandchild they could have ever wanted. I'm just so fuckin' pissed! Why does an asshole like him deserve to have a child while we don't?
Uggghh! I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days. They arrive tomorrow and we'll all be off for our beach vacation on Tuesday. And AF sure's coming along with me too make things worse.
So it's CD31. No ovulation - Eggy MIA again. OPKSs been testing negative for 2 weeks now including today. TCM Doc checked my pulse and said "Nothing" which means Big Fat "FAIL" to me. But out of the blue, today my undies got really wet and I found a huge dollop of jelly-like eggwhite CM. What the f"ck is that? TMI warning--We had sex four days ago but could that still be seminal fluid leaking out? How could it be fertile CM so late in a cycle? And even if I do end up ovulating, my lining would be too old for implantation or pregnancy to be viable. Either way, I'm f*cked!
I'm sorry. I'm supposed to come back from Maldives all refreshed and zen, but all I seem to have now is frustration and bitterness. I mean, Maldives was very special, but I guess paradise is just an escape. This hell is my real life.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Mega Update-Get Your Popcorn ready
Holy crap! It's been two weeks since I last posted here. I'm sorry if you've been visiting my blog and keep finding that same darn old post every time! I have been around. Other people's blogs, that is. Just not here very much! Everyone's else's lives seem much more progressive and interesting... Me? I'm just stuck in a limbo, going around in circles, looking for that elusive miracle doctor who can help me out of this IF rut!
Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary. I can't wait!
We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...
I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me? Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.
He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me? Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!
So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal. Could I be pregnant? I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests) or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!
And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.
Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency: he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff! He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!
There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-) I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation! But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...
Well, there's so much I've been meaning to tell you before I go off to...
...the Maldives. YES! We are escaping again to an island paradise! With permission from my Chief Financial Officer (hubs) I booked us a really wonderful 5-star resort at the furthest end of Maldives, so far out from civilization that the unpolluted night sky glimmers with the most amazing blanket of stars. And the corals so pristine, that you can snorkel right off your water villa and see the most incredible marine life. And the price so incredibly high that even with a super great deal of 45% off, we're gonna burn a huge hole in our pockets the size of Texas. So this is our last overseas trip of the year. It's only a week-long trip but I am terribly excited! It's my temporary teleportation out of this IF limbo land. My soul's been hungering for some serious romance, where love-making is not all about well-timed make-me-a-baby-sex. And where touching is not about having a femoral massage to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Failing at TTC's been taking a toll on me and I've been yearning for some time to reconnect with myself, and hubby. I need to escape from IF madness for a while and be surrounded by a serene place, so stunningly beautiful that in the presence of my husband's love, it would lift my spirits up and nourish my soul. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. After a disappointing trip to Boracay, I think (I hope) I've found my little sanctuary. I can't wait!
We are leaving on Monday, so that doesn't leave me much time to fill you in on the crazy month that was February. There are so many things that I've been meaning to share with you...
I've been meaning to tell you that I found a new "dealer" in my neighborhood to get my daily fix of TCM fertility drugs. I went to Mr Dealer because Dr Yeeeouch does not dispense herbal medicine-he only prescribes them. So I needed someone to give me my daily fix! I thought it would be a simple, straightforward procedure-- 1) walk into chinese pharmacy 2) give prescription 3) collect herbs 4) pay. But nooooo...... Incidentally, Mr Dealer's concern for my well-being resulted in my trip lasting an hour and a half! When he saw my prescription he asked what it was for. Without wanting to give too much away, I replied it was for... ahem... "woman" problems. Not satisfied, he fished for more info and eventually I gave it up that it was for infertility. He then proceeded to tell me that he recently helped a 40yr old woman get pregnant after 10 unsuccessful years in TTC... blah-blah-blah... Ugh! Don't you hate it when they tell you how their patients all get pregnant? I'm thinking, who cares? It always seems to work for everyone else but me? Then he asked if he could take my pulse to assess my condition. I thought, "Why the heck not?" I'm always up for a second opinion. Shockingly his diagnosis was quite spot on - kidney yang deficiency, cold, and my "jing" is very weak. I didn't know chinese pharmacists could make diagnoses.
He then told me that Dr Yeeeouch's prescription was incorrect... That there were some herbs that were too cooling for me... That the formula was generally not strong enough for me... What? Dr-Yeeeouch-who-spelializes-in-infertility's prescription is incorrect? Oh God! Just what I need - another incompetent TCM doc! He said he could alter my prescription for one that suited me better if I liked, which came to a combination of 17 herbs! He didn't pressure me to change it but he stayed one hour beyond the closing time of his shop to kindly explain to me what each herb was for. He advised that I stopped TTC until I was stronger because my weak body may not be able to sustain a pregnancy, which could result in a miscarriage. That was something I didn't want to hear but I knew it made sense. This Mr Dealer guy sounded genuinely concerned. And quite knowledgeable too. It's that, or he's a really good salesman trying to get me to buy more stuff! I was hoping that defecting to Dr Yeeeouch might do me some good, but is his herbal medicine going to be good enough for me? Will Mr Dealer's herbs be better for me? Would it be wrong for me not to follow Dr Yeeeouch's treatment to the tee? Who do I listen to? I thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with Dr Yeeeouch, but now I was really torn. It was like being back at square one again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I did fall under Mr Dealer's charm and I did end up taking his "drugs"! Well, Dr Yeeeouch's prescriptions weren't exactly yummy-yum and they were really awful -think black bechamel sauce -- thick and gluggy, forming a disgusting skin over as it cools! Yeeuck! And Mr Dealer's new herbal formula sounded too good to ignore. After experiencing very bad lower-back pain recently (related to my kidney yang deficiency), I knew I was in pretty bad shape. I needed something very effective. I cross-referenced his herbs with some info I found in another great book on TCM/infertility (The Tao of Infertility: A Healing Chinese Medicine Program to Prepare Body, Mind And Spirit For New Life) and I found that those herbs would help my condition. So I went for it and asked for a week's worth of herbs. I wasn't very sure that it would help me, but I was full of hope that it would. Well, I thought that perhaps it would at least have a placebo effect on me, even if it was really just a con-job ie. a useless pile of dried grass from his garden's mowings!
So I happily brewed my first bowl of Mr Dealer's magic. WTF? It was even more disgusting than Dr Yeeeouch's herbs! It was super astringent and it felt like my cat was scratching my tongue out with his claws. It made my throat clench tight and pukey at the same time. It was possibly the all-time worst herbal concoction I had ever tasted in my life! I struggled with it every time I had to drink it. It was "Fear Factor" everyday for a week. Could I possibly continue with his herbs for months if necessary? How could I force this into my body when every cell in my body is screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!"??? How could I possibly feel good and positive about something that's so vile? What should I do? Do I go back to Dr Yeeeouch's formula? Would I offend Mr Dealer? Can Dr Yeeeouch really help me? What should I do? What should I do? Again, I was really torn. It was like being back at square one. Again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I managed to muster up the courage to go to Dr Yeeeouch again for the 3rd time. I was so nervous. And stressed. And anxious. And scared. But I needed more from him before I could decide if he's the TCM doctor for me. My heart was beating fast as we pulled into the parking spot next to the building. And as we walked closer, my heart palpitated like crazy. All I could think about was Pain. Pain. Pain. How could I possibly go through treatment with Dr Yeeeouch if it brings me so much stress and anxiety, which we all know kills fertility! How could I possibly feel good and positive about this when all I feel is dread? How could I conceive a child in this sort of an emotional environment? I was so confused.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that during that 3rd appointment with Dr Yeeeouch, he reads my pulse and tells me that it looked good and that I had a 90% likelyhood of being pregnant this cycle. WHAT? Did I hear him right? My chinese is not that good. 90%? Holy cow? My mind was soaring! My heart was racing, even faster from the fear before. I had ovulated this cycle, and we had timed our sex well. Could it happen this month? He told me - no more acupuncture this month, to which I gave a tremendously HUGE sigh of relief! Wow! No needles for me today! Wooohooo!! He also said no sex, no pineapple, no chrysanthemum. For my husband, he prescribed some sort of foot reflexology. It was his first time and the guy who worked on his foot apparently gave him hell. While hubs suffered, Dr Yeeeouch gave me a wonderful massage to the upper body to relax me. It made me feel really good. I was feeling high, from the massage and from the news that I could be pregnant this cycle. That was 7DPO. I had the best sleep that night.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that the remainder of my 2 Week Wait was sheer hell! I could not stop obsessing about early pregnancy symptoms. And I desperately wanted to know "NOW"! I had been sick with a runny nose. Could I be still be pregnant? I was sick last year and I did get pregnant. I was beginning to smell things I've never noticed beofre. Could I be pregnant? For a few days during the 2WW, I was feeling strangely out of breath and my heart was beating faster than normal. Could I be pregnant? I had twingy cramps on 9DPO and I slept a lot. Could I be pregnant?
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I went back to Mr Dealer with Dr Yeeeouch's latest prescription which was to help spark life into the "conception". When I told him that Dr Yeeeouch told me I had a 90% success rate in getting pregnant this cycle, he just laughed. He said no one could or should predict things like that. Then Mr Dealer tells me that there was nothing extraordinary about the prescribed herbs and that it was something any man or woman could take. Oh crap! Here we go again. There is a chance that Dr Yeeeouch was good at acupuncture but not superb with herbal medicine. So who do I listen to? Who is right? A huge dilemma again. Mr Dealer was a trained chinese pharmacist and he really knows his herbs, so I went with his herbs again. It was another week of "Fear Factor". Again.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that I said "F*CK IT!"on 10DPO and took an early pregnancy test. And of course it told me a resounding "Hell No, you're NOT Pregnant!" But it was still early and I was still hopeful. Godamnit! I want to know already.
Then I've been meaning to tell you that during all this head-spinning intensity, I battled with another huge dilemma - should I go ahead with my vacation plans? As you know my track record, I had a miscarriage during a vacation last year. I didn't even know I was pregnant when I left for my vacation. Would I go again this time if I knew I was pregnant? I only had a small window for travel and it had to happen in late Feb/early March. If I booked ahead and cancelled, we would lose just about 100% of the costs (this is Maldives we're talking about where couples book a year in advance for their honeymoons-highly in demand). Would Maldives be the kind of holiday that was safe enough for a pregnant me to go on? But I really needed to seek my sanctuary for the sake of my sanity. I had a lot of suppressed anger, frustration, sadness and bitterness over last year's failure to conceive. Should I put my life on hold for a pregnancy that has not happened or might not happen? Not knowing what to do seemed to be the theme of my life. I felt completely lost and directionless.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I started to spot on 11DPO. Wow! Could that be implantation bleeding? The timing was just about right. On 12DPO, the spotting hadn't changed and I did a saliva test with my Maybe Baby mini microscope. I saw huge, full ferning patterns on my saliva. What could it mean? What could it mean? According to the leaflet, it meant that estrogen levels were elevated, which meant one of three things - you're just about to ovulate (Nope! Already did!), you have an estrogen imbalance (Hmmm... don't know about that. Never happened in the past saliva tests) or you could be pregnant. Pregnant? WWWWOW!
And then I've been meaning to tell you that AF came on 13DPO... Wait over... My heart was crushed. There was pain. Physically too. The blood was a bit dark. It didn't look like a healthy period. F*ck it! Out came the pain killers. I wasn't going to be a hero this time and see how bad my pain was going to be. 90% success rate my ass! This is the second time that doctors have jerked me around and got me thinking that I was likely pregnant. It got me all hopeful, but all it got me was devastation. But deep down I knew that a pregnancy was unlikely. I didn't have any breast soreness that I had when I was pregnant. I knew my kidneys were really weak and that my body was not ready to conceive. And I was right because my period told me the whole story (TMI warning!). I had some clots and my period was a little heavy. If my chi and blood circulation had been good, I would not be having pain or clots or darkish blood or lower back pain. The blood eventually turned crimson red and flowed normally. The only good news was that AF was gone in 7-8 days! Spotting and all! I thought I was pre-menopausal, cos that was too little blood for me. It took a lot of convincing to believe that it was normal, because that's what normal, healthy women experience. Me normal? I've never known normal. It was a bizarre thought. Perhaps my uterus is normalizing, bit by bit. Thanks to TCM.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that through all of this madness, I turned 39. That means 40 in "chinese" years. The chinese count your age from the day you're conceived. By the time you're born you're almost a year old. Not zero years. I celebrated my birthday 4 times - once with friends, once with my family, once with my in-laws, and once with hubby, but despite all this celebration, there was really no joy in my heart. And as with every Christmas, every birthday and every New Year during the past god-knows-how-many-years, my mother would wish out loud infront of the whole family for me to be blessed with a child the coming year. Another year older and still nothing to show for it. Damn it! I have to be more aggressive now. Last year I decided that I would give TCM till March this year. If nothing happens come March, I would find an RE and have me and hubs reassessed again for ART.
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I crawled back to my first TCM doc. Dr Yeeeouch's clinic was going to be closed for what seemed like forever during the Chinese New Year and I needed to be primed for my "2nd honeymoon" cycle in the Maldives. I am due to ovulate around the beginning of our Maldives holiday, so if my body behaves, we should be having lots of baby-making sex there. There really isn't a more conducive place to be bonking your brains out than a romantic paradise like Maldives! So I had to get my body ready. Out of desperation I went back to my TCM doc. The plan was to see him till we go to Maldives, and if we should disappear, a.k.a. defect to another acupuncturist, then it wouldn't seem like we left him suddenly.
Then I've been meaning to tell you how wonderful it was to be back with a doctor who speaks English... Whom I could understand and have a conversation with. Whose needles did not morph me into Ms.Scream Queen! TCM doc was very focused on us again. Since his new clinic had been completed, he wasn't distracted anymore. He gave us his full and sincere attention. I liked that he was being generally very positive and upbeat about my recovery from kidney yang deficiency: he told me to drink his herbs, eat ginger omelette 3-4 times a week (which surprisingly was delish since I'm not huge a fan of ginger), and gave a long list of all the vegetables I can and cannot take. Apparently I'm always eating the wrong kind of stuff! He also reported that my chi and blood circulation was very good; that I was still strong enough to conceive despite the deficiency and if I did get pregnant by some miracle, it would be easy to strengthen my body to help me retain the pregnancy (assuming there are no genetic issues). AND he said to forget about the horoscope mismatch between my "monkey" husband and my "tiger" baby should he/she be born next year. The effect of the year's animal sign on a person only accounts for 12.5% (1/8th) of the child's personality (I did my homework-he's right) He said I should leave these things up to god. So I guess his advice to wait and avoid a tiger baby is out the window! That suits me really well! No waiting! I'm not a firm believer of the chinese horoscope and I'm happy to leave these things up to god!
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I quizzed him about manual acupuncture (no electricity) and why he didn't practice that. Straight away he said that it was very painful and everyone in the clinic would be screaming! "Who would come?" he exclaimed. Okay..... I knew from first hand experience that that was the absolute truth! He explained that manual acupuncture involved twiddling the needle till it hits the bull's eye (The acupuncture point). He said that electro-acupuncture was just as effective. In electro-acupuncture, the acupuncture points are triggered via electricity that is relayed through the needles. I was under the impression that electro-acupuncture was slower and less effective, but according to current research, electro-acupuncture was actually more effective in treating many different conditions and longer-lasting. Ding! Ding!
TCM Doc - 1 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0.
And TCM Doc's electro-acupuncture sure is a hell lot less painful than Dr Yeeeouch! Ding! Ding!
TCM Doc - 2 Dr Yeeeeouch - 0.
I asked hubby: How long will you be willing to continue treatment with Dr Yeeeouch?
DH: Till I reach the stage where I can't take the pain any longer.
Me: "I have reached that stage already!"
DH: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....
I don't think you'd be surprised if I told you that I've pretty much made up my mind to abandon Dr Yeeeouch. So I'm going back to TCM Doc, at least till I find another one, god-willing!
And then I've been meaning to tell you that I've started doing chi gong exercises diligently for up to 2 hours a day, everyday. I learnt a form of healing chi gong from a master many years ago, and I should have taken advantage of this knowledge to help my infertility. But it takes serious discipline. To sit and breathe and think nothing for minimum 30 mins is pure torture for me. And I'm lazy. But now I'm desperate. (BTW, this is much like the chi gong exercise that is recommended in the book "The Infertility Cure"). I am also practicing another form of chi gong-come-meditation exercise that is recommended in the book "The Tao of Infertility". Chi gong is a form of exercise where you harness your body's own chi to heal your body. I can focus the chi on a certain part of my body or set it free to seek out the trouble spots in my body. With the recent exercises, the chi went straight for my kidney point, causing me to sway back & forth uncontrollably. I just find it fascinating that it knows just where I need healing the most. I am hoping that these chi gong exercises will help balance my deficiencies quicker and heal any problems that are contributing to my infertility. At the very least, it should increase the chi and blood circulation around my body. Yup, I have to prime my body up for baby-makin time!
And I've been meaning to tell you that this month is the 1-year anniversary of my one-and-only pregnancy which I eventually lost in March 2009. Finding out that I was pregnant in a small motel room overlooking a cemetery in Fresno after 4 years of TTC wasn't exactly how I imagined I would discover the happy news, but the joy and the awe was certainly real and overflowing. And Bryce Canyon, Utah will forever be filled with bittersweet memories - It remains in my mind a place so fascinatingly beautiful but devastatingly haunted by the memory of my miscarriage. Spookily, I will be leaving for my Maldives vacation on 1st march, exactly the same date that I embarked on my doomed vacation last year. But hopefully, this Maldivian holiday will mark a new chapter for a wonderful and happy beginning for us.
There's so much more I've been meaning to tell you, but I've just about written a whole novel here. And a break would be a good idea at this point - for you ;-) I've really had enough drama for this month. I think I SO deserve a vacation! But I'm on ovulation watch. It's CD17. OPK today was negative. My stock of OPKs are revving to go. The drama's not over...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Dr Yeeeouch!
Let me tell you about Dr Yeeeouch!
After a very strange first consultation with him, we decided that we couldn't brush him off based on first impressions. After all, he seemed to be quite deft with needles and acupuncture points, having managed to clear my husband's sinuses with just a couple of pricks. He had given us some herbal medicine to consume over the course of the next few weeks or so, but there wasn't a clear plan of treatment. I was just waiting for an excuse to go back to him, sooner.
That came on the 25th of January, just 3 days after we first met him. Two days prior to my second appointment, I had been having the worst lower back pain. It wasn't a bone thing. And it wasn't my usual radioactive ass-throb, endo-related pain. It was just a very, very bad ache deep inside my body below the waist. I suspected a deficient condition, likely related to the kidneys (think TCM!) My hot water bottle came to the rescue.
Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short, Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief!
Have I told you about my hot water bottle? A hot water bottle is a "Cold Uterus Woman's" best friend, providing warmth and encouraging blood circulation in the womb. Unfortunately my niece had been playing with it and popped a hole in it. So as a temporary measure, I had been using my old polycarbonate drinking bottle which I had retired because, well, to cut the scientific explanation short, Bisphenol A (BPA) in polycarbonate plastics leaches into your water, and messes with your hormones and fertility. The bottle is sturdy and it can take hot water really well. I could fill it up and roll it around my tummy. This time I needed it for my back. Even when I filled it with ridiculously hot water and the bottle was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to lie on, it gave me the most wonderful relief!
I thought it would go away after a day, but the pain continued onto the second day. So I thought, "Right, something is so wrong here. I am going to see the acupuncturist tomorrow". The next day, the pain was gone! Oh crap! I was really looking forward to seeing what acupuncture could do for it. I called up my new acupuncturist, complained to him about the pain in as many chinese words as I knew and said I was coming to see him!
His other clinic wasn't optimally located either as it was again, across town from us in a different direction. But thankfully he was opened till 10pm, so we could avoid rush-hour traffic and mosey on down to his clinic leisurely after dinner. When we arrived, we were greeted by a young woman in a white doctor's coat and ushered straight to the acupuncture beds. We were reminded to take off our shoes at the door-that's how it is at this clinic-shoes off in all the carpeted rooms. Soon our new acupuncturist came to meet us, barefoot. Oh! So that explains his barefootedness when we first saw him. But, he was STILL in short sleeves and shorts! Yes, his top was a buttoned-down, smart-looking collared shirt, and his black shorts did look like the most formal style a pair of shorts could ever look, but that's not the image of a doctor that I am used to. All his other apprentices and students were smartly dressed in white coats and long pants, but he, the master, didn't seem to care. I don't know - maybe it's a chinese thing, but he seems to be saying that he knows who he is, he's secure in his abilities and all he wanted to be was comfortable. And he did come across as quite humble. So lets find out what he can do... I told him about my lower back pain and he motioned me to lie down face down. The bed had a hole for the face like those massage beds.
And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!
He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!
That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!
I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.
Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!
While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.
Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!
After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!
When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.
Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?
I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.
Oh dear god, help me!
I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!
Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?
And here's why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!
He inserted a needle into a point on my lower back. It was a quick prick that went pretty deep. No problem! I could handle that! I'm a pro! I've been pricked a guzzillon times! No sweat at all! Then while the needle was still inside, he wiggled it and did a jack-hammer maneuver into that point with the needle over and over again.
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!
That really fucking hurt! Then he did the other side of the spine. Same fucking technique, same fucking pain! Is this for real? Then he pulled my panty down lower and while my bare ass was exposed in all its glory to my husband, who was probably snickering away, and another student of his who was called over to learn, he went for it again, this time at another point lower!
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!
I screamed and squirmed at every point that he jack-hammered with the needle. Then he covered my butt with a towel and proceeded to massage my lower back and the butt with his elbow.
Then he asked me to turn over. Oh God! He was going for my ute! I knew the "points". He was going for the point near the right ovary. He motioned me to mimic him -- He puckered his lips and blew air out. He wanted me to exhale and puff like a woman giving birth. OH GOD! That could only mean one thing - it was really gonna fucking hurt! OMG! OMG! OMG!
While I puffed, he went for it - I felt the needle go deep and hit something hard. If you have a roll of fat on your tummy and tighten your abs, you would feel the hard mass of muscle beneath it. It was like that. And as soon as the needle hit that hard mass, he pumped that needle again and again! I nearly died! And that was only point No.1. Three more points on the ute to go! I don't know how I made it through alive but I did! He proceeded to massage my tummy which hurt like hell too. He let me rest. Then it was my hubby's turn, who was in a bed next to me.
Dr Yeeeouch! asked him some questions and then started acupuncture on him. When it came to a point in the abdomen, he asked DH to puff like I did. So hubs started to blow air out like he was gently trying to seduce me. Right! That's not gonna work. I told him to blow hard cos it was gonna hurt like hell. And then it happened! I've never seen my husband in such pain before but he was much better at controlling his emotions than me! I couldn't help but snicker away! It's nice to see men suffer for fertility for a change!
After a while, Dr Yeeeouch! came back to me and asked me to turn onto my belly again. Oh god! It's not over yet? This time he went for a point behind the knees. A rather delicate area don't you think? And it was hell all over again! He asked me if there was any electricity. Huh? Did I understand him correctly? My chinese is not that good. He asked me again. So I said no. Then it was the other leg's turn. So I'm squirming and screaming all over again. Is there any electricity? Zzzzing! This time, YES! Something shot down my legs. It felt like when you hit your funny bone and you feel that awful buzz. He went back to the other leg and tried it again but there was no "electricity" still. Nevermind, he said. I guess there must be some kind of blockage but it was enough torture for me for the day. And that was it! Hell was finally over!
When I got up I couldn't walk or straighten my legs properly. I asked him why my legs were so... err... so... I couldn't find the word in chinese. So he filled in the word for me - "tight". Yes! That's it! He said it like he was expecting it. He said it was normal. I pretty much walked like an old arthritic woman back to the car and through the rest of the night.
Do you think Dr Yeeeouch! is an appropriate name for him?
I did ask him if that was his usual style of acupuncture. And he said yes.
Oh dear god, help me!
I'm not sure if I was lucid enough through the torture to know if he did me any good that night, but hubby said that he clearly felt the warmth and the qi flowing through him during his session. Plus, there was a certain buzz in his "man parts" too. Well, my eggs which have been missing a couple of months did finally turn up 3 days later. So who knows?!!
Next - my new chinese herbal pharmacist. Dr Yeeeouch! and me - Two's a company. Is three a crowd?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My New "Fertility" Acupuncturist
After conceiving briefly in March last year, I never thought that it would take me so long to conceive again, especially after going through some intense treatments under the same TCM doc who helped get me pregnant. From March 2009 to Jan 2010, we were thousands of dollars poorer, and the score was still a BIG FAT ZERO. I started having doubts about the effectiveness of his treatments. Who knows? Maybe our pregnancy was a fluke?
I desperately wanted to see a TCM physician who specializes in fertility, but nobody I knew who suffered from infertility sought treatment from an acupuncturist or chinese doctor. My husband and I were on a very lonely and quiet road all by ourselves. Only one other TCM physician came to mind which I had found on the internet over a year ago. It was the same doctor that we had considered before settling for our TCM doc we've had the past year. The only reason we did not go to him was that his clinic was located right across town from us which would take 45 minutes to get to. Inconvenience would greatly hinder our motivation to go for treatments especially if we had to go very regularly.
After re-reading his website again which claimed that he was "well known for treating infertility" we knew we had to consider him. But nobody we know has heard of him. We found ourselves back at square one again, asking the same question we did a year ago - Do we go for any old doctor we find on the internet? What if he's a Quack Doctor? But we had no other options. We have not reached the stage where we were comfortable with trying Clomid, or IUIs and IVFs yet. I believe in the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and since I managed to get pregnant au naturel once, I am still convinced that I can do it again. So we decided to give him a shot!
On January 22nd, 1 week back from Boracay and 5 days after our last appointment with our old TCM doc, we went across town to see him. After being greeted by a young man in a white doctor's coat, and ushered straight to an acupuncture bed, we thought he was THE doctor. Good thing we asked for the doctor, which apparently was not him. Within a minute or two, a short, middle-aged, barefoot man in a short-sleeved shirt and shorts appeared. What? You gotta be kidding me? The doctor on the website was dressed in a suit and tie, and presumably shoes too! He explained that he was usually at the other clinic (which we weren't aware of) and that it was a rare occasion that we caught him there. Well, I guess it was his day off. But he proceeded to see us anyway.
So,
ROUND 1 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - First Impressions NOT good!
I proceeded to explain to him why we were there to see him and I found out that he could not really speak English! OH MY GAWD! That's my worst nightmare! He didn't even understand the word "endometriosis". How are we ever going to understand each other? I only knew a smattering of chinese and it took all of me to communicate with him. My husband fared even worse with languages. We ended up speaking in a mixture of 3 languages!
I barely understood him, and I had no idea how to say ovulation, or period, or infertility, or poor sperm motility, or even sex in chinese! These are not the typical terms they teach you for everyday communication when you're learning a language. So what I know wasn't very helpful. At this point, it's pretty useless going up to him and saying in perfect Chinese, "Excuse me, where's the bus stop?" After struggling for some time, he got the gist and I got the gist of my diagnosis, which had something to do with dry heat and weak kidneys. He wrote me a prescription of herbal medicine and gave me a bunch of home-made black ball "herbal candy" to take with the medicine. And he gave DH some black pills to strengthen his sperm. And that was it! No acupuncture for me! And oh! He told us to abstain from sex for 1 month, but he also said I could go ahead and try when I asked him if we should give this month a shot. So I am all confused.
ROUND 2 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - Communication Disaster! NOT good!
Then just before we left he noticed that hubby had a stuffy nose and said that he would treat it for him, free of charge. And that it would be very quick. He pricked a spot between DH's eyes and wiggled the needled a bit. He also pricked another point on his face. And it was all over in less than 30 seconds. DH, was astonished, more because his sinuses magically opened up and drained completely the moment he poked the needle in. He said his blocked sinus was gone in an instant!
I desperately wanted to see a TCM physician who specializes in fertility, but nobody I knew who suffered from infertility sought treatment from an acupuncturist or chinese doctor. My husband and I were on a very lonely and quiet road all by ourselves. Only one other TCM physician came to mind which I had found on the internet over a year ago. It was the same doctor that we had considered before settling for our TCM doc we've had the past year. The only reason we did not go to him was that his clinic was located right across town from us which would take 45 minutes to get to. Inconvenience would greatly hinder our motivation to go for treatments especially if we had to go very regularly.
After re-reading his website again which claimed that he was "well known for treating infertility" we knew we had to consider him. But nobody we know has heard of him. We found ourselves back at square one again, asking the same question we did a year ago - Do we go for any old doctor we find on the internet? What if he's a Quack Doctor? But we had no other options. We have not reached the stage where we were comfortable with trying Clomid, or IUIs and IVFs yet. I believe in the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and since I managed to get pregnant au naturel once, I am still convinced that I can do it again. So we decided to give him a shot!
On January 22nd, 1 week back from Boracay and 5 days after our last appointment with our old TCM doc, we went across town to see him. After being greeted by a young man in a white doctor's coat, and ushered straight to an acupuncture bed, we thought he was THE doctor. Good thing we asked for the doctor, which apparently was not him. Within a minute or two, a short, middle-aged, barefoot man in a short-sleeved shirt and shorts appeared. What? You gotta be kidding me? The doctor on the website was dressed in a suit and tie, and presumably shoes too! He explained that he was usually at the other clinic (which we weren't aware of) and that it was a rare occasion that we caught him there. Well, I guess it was his day off. But he proceeded to see us anyway.
So,
ROUND 1 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - First Impressions NOT good!
I proceeded to explain to him why we were there to see him and I found out that he could not really speak English! OH MY GAWD! That's my worst nightmare! He didn't even understand the word "endometriosis". How are we ever going to understand each other? I only knew a smattering of chinese and it took all of me to communicate with him. My husband fared even worse with languages. We ended up speaking in a mixture of 3 languages!
I barely understood him, and I had no idea how to say ovulation, or period, or infertility, or poor sperm motility, or even sex in chinese! These are not the typical terms they teach you for everyday communication when you're learning a language. So what I know wasn't very helpful. At this point, it's pretty useless going up to him and saying in perfect Chinese, "Excuse me, where's the bus stop?" After struggling for some time, he got the gist and I got the gist of my diagnosis, which had something to do with dry heat and weak kidneys. He wrote me a prescription of herbal medicine and gave me a bunch of home-made black ball "herbal candy" to take with the medicine. And he gave DH some black pills to strengthen his sperm. And that was it! No acupuncture for me! And oh! He told us to abstain from sex for 1 month, but he also said I could go ahead and try when I asked him if we should give this month a shot. So I am all confused.
ROUND 2 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - Communication Disaster! NOT good!
Then just before we left he noticed that hubby had a stuffy nose and said that he would treat it for him, free of charge. And that it would be very quick. He pricked a spot between DH's eyes and wiggled the needled a bit. He also pricked another point on his face. And it was all over in less than 30 seconds. DH, was astonished, more because his sinuses magically opened up and drained completely the moment he poked the needle in. He said his blocked sinus was gone in an instant!
ROUND 3 - Ding! Ding! Over!
Conclusion - Maybe he knows something about acupuncture. He's not a Quack Doctor?!?!
When we left we were still clueless about how his treatments were going to unfold. All we knew was that we were to come see him at his other clinic on February 5th. That's 2 weeks on, which is a really long gap, compared to the twice weekly visits I am used to.
I was pretty speechless after our visit with him. It was not what I had expected at all. I really did not know what to think! It was a very difficult session, but I was intrigued, and still desperate. I had to go back and see what else he has to offer.
His clinic does not dispense herbal medicine, so I went to a chinese herbal store and ordered 3 packets to try out his formula first. Well, it was pretty disgusting - after boiling it, what I got was this thick, black, gluggy goo. When the concoction starts to cool, a skin would start to form over it. That's how gross it was! The taste was pretty vile, but still downable. And the black ball "candy" was NOT candy at all! I miss my TCM doc's herbals medicine... :-(
Well, the only consolation was that I only had to drink his herbal medicine every second day!
My next post - Why I call him Dr Yeeeouch!
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