Broken

This week is Infertility Awareness Week (USA).

And what an apt time it is for me to find out that I am even more infertile than I thought I was.

Yes, I have heartbreaking news about my latest diagnosis. An ultrasound at my new fertility clinic revealed that I not only have endometriosis (endometrial growth outside the uterus that causes adhesions, inflamation and scarring) which I already knew I had. But now I also have adenomyosis (endometriosis that occurs inside the uterus) and a 3cm fibroid in my uterus.

In simple English, my uterus is really fucked up! It is full of abnormal growths which are distorting its shape and decreases my fertility by 70%. My uterus is retroverted. The growths also make it difficult for an embryo to find a suitable spot to implant. The fibroid could also be blocking the passage of DH's sperm to my egg. This may not be the end of my bad news, as I am still waiting for my hormonal bloodwork to come back.

I am devastated. I've been depressed the whole week. My eyes are the size of tennis balls from all that crying. We have such an uphill struggle.


My body is broken.



My heart, is broken.

Divine Intervention or Dr.Google?

Do you think god sometimes answers your prayers...just a little?

Well, he didn't answer my prayers about ovulating--maybe because I didn't specifically say to him,

"God, please, please, please make my ovary lay me an egg..."

But he might have responded to my other "prayer": If you remember my mini meltdown a few days ago..., well, I decided to see my TCM doc the next day to get some answers about why my cycles were getting worse. He said he had no idea why because all my tcm vital signs told him I was doing rather well. Needless to say, I was frickin' disappointed and annoyed with his answer. My TCM doc's good (I did get pregnant within 3 months of being under his care) but he is not a fertility specialist. While I was laying on the clinic bed with a million needles stuck into my belly, I cried out in exasperation,


"God, Help Me!" (Not out loud, but in my head. The new needle-virgin patients waiting for their turn might appreciate that).

The next day, Saturday, I spent most of my time surfing the internet for answers. Most of my searches led me to fertility acupuncturists that were not even anywhere within a thousand miles from where I lived. Yet they were exactly what I wanted and needed. I was so desperate I fantasized about moving across oceans to be near them. After what seemed like an eternity drifting through cyberspace in desperation, I FOUND ONE! And he practically operates out of my own backyard. OK, I exaggerate, but his clinic is in my neck of the woods. The acupuncturist specializes in infertility and claims to use both Chinese and Western Medicine to diagnose infertility (they include hormonal bloodwork and ultrasound scans to monitor your follicles for ovulation) but use traditional chinese medicine to treat IF. This was exactly what I was looking for! I mean, yes, I still have delusions that at 39-going-on-40, I, endo girl with poor sperm DH, will get pregnant and have a baby without resorting to ART!

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Okay, you can stop laughing now... Of course I still have a back-up plan--I will still talk to a fertility specialist about doing ART.

We plan to see this new fertility acupuncturist tomorrow. Maybe I just got lucky with Dr.Google. Or maybe God heard me and decided to give me a helping hand. So this is my new prayer to God:

"Oh God, please, please, please let him speak English.
May his english vocab extend beyond the words "Hello" and "We accept credit cards".
And please, please, please don't let his needles hurt.
May my acupuncture sessions with him be devoid of any screaming.
That's right God, please don't let him be a Dr.Yeeeoch v 2.0!

And please, please, please God, may I have a baby real soon!"

Mid-Cycle Meltdown

I have a severe case of Infertility Psychosis.

Yesterday, my heart dropped and a pang of jealousy shot through it when I learned that a critically endangered sumatran rhino, recently photographed in the wild, is believed to be pregnant. This is unbelievable! I am jealous over a pregnant rhinocerous!

Today wasn't any better. I had a mini meltdown over a negative OPK.

And a negative saliva ferning test.

And negative egg-white CM - As in it's so dry, my lady parts has tumbleweeds blowing by and desert dunes have crept in.

I am 25 days into my cycle and still have not ovulated. If my previous cycle and the present one are anything to go by, it means I am heading into longer cycles. My fertility is going from bad to worse. I am just so devastated by the way things are going inside my frickin' body.

Now I have two meltdowns during a cycle instead of one big one: Once when the red tsunami hits, and once in mid-cycle when my eggs are a no-show day after day. And so the tears flowed today. They flowed in the bedroom. They flowed in the kitchen, while I was preparing my frickin' fertility herbs. Then it flowed again in the bedroom. I cancelled my appointment to see TCM doc. I won't be able to face another session of empty promises from him.

And the irony is, my body has never felt better or stronger. I haven't had any issues with endo pain this month. My lower back/kidney yang pain is gone. My body feels warmer. My libido came back from the dead, albeit briefly. My egg-white CM did make a stellar appearance a few days ago, though it's vanished now. So why is my infertility getting worse?  Did my in-laws kill my fertility this cycle? Have I got a crap doctor? I am now a broken, mad, raging infertile looking for someone other than myself to blame!

But miraculous and fortunate things happen to infertile women every where. And we try to draw hope and strength from them. Hmph! The sad truth is that the world promises us good things but sometimes, all it does is just rain... and rain... and rain...

(This photo I made in Beijing, China, of a woman walking by a happy billboard in the rain pretty much sums it up)

Oh! I want a baby so badly! And just to think--somewhere in the world right now, some teenager, or a young wife, or a jilted lover or a super career woman is rejoicing and falling to the floor with relief, and thanking god and their lucky stars that their pregnancy test is superbly negative! 

Yes, someone in the world is shouting with a delirious smile on their face, "I AM NOT PREGNANT! YIPPEE!"

Pregnancy Prediction

My TCM doc played clairvoyant today.

Not knowing what my TCM doc's stand is on ART, I wanted to gently ease him into the idea that we will be resorting to IVF sometime soon-so I asked him if he had any patients undergoing IVF while under his care. He said he did, and he even told me that some woman who's the head of gynaecology in some medical university is seeing him for treatments while undergoing IVF right now. He quickly assumed that we were heading in that direction, and he asked if we were contemplating it. When I told him that we were, as my one year deadline with TCM was already up , he said to me,

"Just wait a little longer. Two more months."

"Two more months? Why?" I asked.

"I have a feeling you'll be pregnant in two months."

"Why?Is that based on your assessment of my current condition?"

"No. It is a gut feeling. It is purely my gut feeling."

OK. I did not whip out my pom-poms and do a celebratory dance but that was, of course, very amusing to me. I told him that we will see a fertility specialist and do an assessment anyhow. And we will take it from there. I am very relieved to hear that he would be happy to continue treating me even if we opt for ART in the future. Two months! Pffffftt!

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During dinner, I had one of the many chats I usually have with hubby about our baby-making plans, and I learned that he wasn't very keen on IVF--if that caused a danger to my life. I remembered telling him a long time ago about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) due to fertility drugs, and that it was very dangerous and that it could even lead to death. And I was shocked that he actually remembered! He doesn't know all the facts but he was deeply concerned at the idea of putting my life at risk for a baby.    He concluded that in the worst case scenario, he would rather that the baby die than me die. I was deeply moved by his profound love for me. Awwwww.....He does love me very much! I never really knew how much until today!

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Today is CD22. OPK is still negative. Already one whole box of OPKs, or $50, peed down the drain. This is not going to be a stellar cycle obviously. Maybe it's all my own doing. On CD1 alone, I had four cups of coffee, and since my in-laws left, all I've done is break loose and indulge in sin a.k.a. junk food. Pizza, burgers and icy cold coke every other day. Yes-Caffeine! Fat! Cholesterol! Cold Drinks! All junk! All non fertility-friendly food! At the rate I am going, my TCM doc's 2-month prediction is never going to come true! Hell! At the rate I am going, my two neutered female & male doggies will be pregnant before I will!

Back To My Regular Infertile Life

This past week has brought a calm and quietness that I have dearly missed--my in-laws are finally gone! I don't want to sound like a cold, heartless, unappreciative bitch, but...

Hooray!


Yippee!


Ya-ba-da-ba-DOOOOOOO!

If I could, I'd be doing back-flips and cartwheels too! Because I'm finally able to breathe. Having them around was like having clingwrap stuck to your face: super clingy and suffocating! Now I can live my life for me and NOT for the Golden Child@my niece whom my in-laws worship. It's so nice to have my life back! Even if it's a pathetic infertile life!

So it's CD20. My obsessive peeing-on-sticks have come back to haunt me. I'm waiting for ovulation. And still no sign of it. Ugh! It's the same old sad drama all over again! Wa-wa-wa-waaa..... I am suppose to seek out a new fertility specialist and there's one that a friend of mine highly recommends. I was hoping to speak to her about her IVF experiences at that clinic and get the contact no and doctor's name, but she's in Japan for two weeks! It's so typical of my luck! So I'm impatiently counting the days until she gets home. I guess it's another month of "leaving it up to god" type of TTC. The other day, I complained to my TCM doc, as I always do these days about how long its been since my miscarriage with no sign of pregnancy... And all he could really say was that we had to leave it up to god! That kinda left me flabbergasted! His faith in god is a lot deeper than mine! He seems to think that my time will come and god has a plan for me. My interpretation: we can intervene all we want but god has the final say! It doesn't leave me very hopeful...  SIGH!...

So whatever!

I'm kinda sick of the futility of chasing my baby dream. My confidence has been shattered somewhat badly by these recurring failures. I feel so devoid of hope or enthusiasm right now, it's depressing. I feel like taking a break from all this TTC crap. All it's done is stretch my patience thin, weigh me down, break my heart and milk my tearducts dry! There's suppose to be joy at the end of all this TTC suffering-a beautiful bundle of joy in our arms. But where is it? I'm so tired. Really tired. I don't even have the energy to carry any expectations any more. So I haven't got any expectations this month. I don't expect to get pregnant. So when AF comes around, I won't care and I'm not going to break down.
HAH! Yeah right! We shall see about that! 

Well, there has to be something good in my life! What is it? Oh yeah - my in-laws are gone (Double Yabadaba-doooo!) and Ass-Throb Day didn't show up. My typical CD-10 Endo-related Throbbing-pain-in-the-rectum Event was a no-show this cycle, so my ass is ecstatic! My icy body is feeling a lot warmer and my libido has come back from the dead. All those TCM needles and herbal potions may not have made me a baby, but it has at least done some good for my hormones and my endo, or so it seems...

Back From Hell

I'm back! I've grown a few more grey hairs and aged considerably from stress during the past couple of weeks, but I've made it through Family Vacation Hell No.2 with my sanity intact!

And as if it wasn't hard enough being around in-laws 24/7, Aunt Flo had to pay me a visit as well. The night before we left for our trip to Singapore (10DPO), I broke down uncontrollably, with certainty that I had failed again to get pregnant. At that point, there was still absolutely no tenderness or pain in my boobs--historically speaking, I already had those symptoms by 9DPO when I was briefly pregnant a year ago. Sure of another BFN, I cried so much that I only got in 5 hours of sleep that night and woke up for our big trip with puffy and swollen eyes. My oh-so-kind BIL greeted me with "You look tired!" when he saw me that morning. And later that day, I had begun to spot very lightly. But on 12DPO, my spotting hadn't grown heavier. Infact it was hardly noticeable even when I wiped. I must have been insane but I was crazy enough to hope that it was implantation bleeding. Nothing about my cycle had been normal, including the cramping that happened for 1-2 days over the central area of my lower abdomen. Normally I would feel pain specifically on one side or twinges all over the ute. That made me think that my "something special" was burrowing itself right in the middle of my ute. I even hugged DH and told him that my spotting may have been due to implantation. But we all know now it never happened. I started to bleed at the end of our day out at Universal Studios. My emotional TTC roller coaster had come crashing back down to earth with a screeching halt.

And so, vacation hell it was. On the family front, sure, my in-laws did drive me batty at times, but the experience turned out a whole lot better than I had expected. Possibly because I had much lower expectations!  I did not expect them to be anything less than ridiculously demanding, highly strung, insanely unreasonable or super paranoid. I guess that helped!

Of course we centered our whole vacation around activities that would please the Golden Child, my 5 yr old niece. I knew and expected that I would have no say in anything and that everything we did had only one sole purpose- to please the Golden Child. So,
- we visited the newly opened Universal Studios in Singapore. Not all the rides were opened yet but we had a good taste of what the park had to offer. I enjoyed most of the rides but I so hated those warning signs they had for pregnant women, because I was soooo NOT one of them.
- we went for the Night Safari which was quite enjoyable except for the altercation that happened between my BIL and a Singaporean. Well, I was not surprised - my BIL has a way of finding himself in these situations (hence my nick for him "psycho" (he even got booted off a domestic flight in the US one time for arguing with a flight attendant). The sad thing was I could see how it affected my niece. She went into a self-preservation mode and completely cut herself off from what was happening. She started talking and rambling on about the zoo animals and was pretty much in her own world, ignoring what was happening around her. I have no doubt that her parents argue a lot at home as I have witnessed it myself many times, and it is obvious that she had to find a way to cope with it. I'm just so sad that something so beautiful, young and innocent has already had to experience and deal with something so horribly ugly. But I am glad that altercation did not turn into anything physical because my BIL has some crazy martial arts skill that could have done some serious damage. Still that incident did mar the whole experience.
- they visited the National Science Centre which I happily opted out. It was CD1 after all. I spent a blissful day by myself in the hotel room. I didn't have much pain - on the scale of 1 to 10, it was a 1 which surprised the hell out of me! Hubs had some take-away food for me so I didn't even see any of them for breakfast or dinner. Not a single word was exchanged between me or them that day. I was perfectly fine with that. But it was so obvious how insignificant I was to them. When the Golden Child is sick, everything is cancelled and everyone waits for Her Royal Highness for further instruction. Their world revolves around her. When I am sick, well, it's like, "Who cares? Let's go!"And they gladly left me behind
- and on our last full day, we visited Underwater World, a sea aquarium, as that would highly please Her Royal Highness

So now I'm back. Even though Family Vacation Hell No.2 is officially over, I still see them almost everyday, so hell is not exactly over for me yet. There isn't a single outing with my in-laws that doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Even a simple trip out to lunch results in me pulling a few hairs out of my head! Maybe I've got them figured out all wrong? Maybe I'm the crazy one with unreasonable expectations? But is it normal to make the whole family wait in the car in the parking lot for 20 minutes with the engine and a/c running while Her Royal Highness naps? No one must wake her and nothing moves until she stirs from her sleep naturally. Surely every family does that?

I wish they would leave already so I can go back to my miserable infertile life. Somehow their presence have made a monster out of me and I don't like what I've become. I feel like the worst person in the world for having all these awful feelings towards my extended family. And worst of all, I hate being fake! I hate pretending that I'm happy with whatever decisions they make for the sake of not rocking the boat, yet I'm cursing like hell behind their backs. Yes, I hate being a two-faced bitch of a daughter/sister-in-law. I think I am much happier just being a whiny miserable lonely infertile...