Burn, Baby Burn!

I started my first moxa session of the cycle today! Yay! The moxa's been doing wonders for me! Sometimes AF really overstays her welcome, hanging around for up to 10-14 days! But this time, AF's visit lasted only 7 days! My body looks like it's finally finding its balance and behaving as it should. Gosh! Dare I say-I'm actually becoming normal!  

I had hoped to start the moxa earlier but my TCM doc said AF had to be over first. He gave me a break over the weekend and so here I am today, CD9, never been so eager to be torched and smoked before! 

The moxa didn't get off to a good start however. I had 8 needles in my body and only 20 minutes to get each of them heated with the moxa. It took the woman 10 minutes just to do 2 needles! Hello! I'm paying $35 for 20 minutes - get a move on there! She was fumbling around a lot and seemed unsure of what she was doing. That was strange I thought, considering that she did pretty well the last time. I blurted out,

"You did the moxa for me last time right?" 

"No. That was my sister."

HUH? It turns out, she's an identical twin! And both she and her sister worked the same job at the clinic! She was identical in every way, down to the length of the hair and even the sound of her voice! I was flabbergasted! All that time I thought I was speaking to her sister! It was the first time she was administering moxa and it showed! I must say I was pretty anxious the whole session through. But I'm happy to say that I left without a single burn mark on my body! 

My TCM doc's very pleased with my progress. After checking my pulse today, he said that my heat levels were impressively good, considering I just had my period. It had also been good throughout my period. I guess you could say I am no longer a cold-blooded reptilian! He's keen to see me get stronger and better, and told me to come in for moxa everyday for the next 4-5 days. I'm so excited to be doing this for my body, knowing how good it is for me. I just hope the girls doing the stinky moxa for me will be just as happy to see me! 

What I Had For Dinner :-(

I was a really, really bad girl today. I binged on the worst sorts of food that you could ever eat for endometriosis and fertility-- wheat, dairy, caffeine, hormones and cold drinks!

A new mall had opened up in our neighborhood and we succumbed to the lure of TGIF, which seemed to be so happening tonight. It was packed and every table seemed to be celebrating someone's birthday.

So here's my menu of poison for the night:

APPETIZER

Fried Mac & Cheese:

Wheat and dairy galore! Great for enhancing inflammation already caused by endometriosis!

MAIN

Chicken & Shrimp Pasta in Creamy Cajun Sauce:

More wheat and dairy galore! My Endo-induced inflammation is gonna have a party!

Non-organic chicken! A shot of yummy hormones to tip my already crazy hormones off the charts

DRINKS

3 cups of cold Pepsi:

Liquid Caffeine! Wonderful for killing fertility! It's thirst-quenching coolness is wonderful for creating blood stasis, period pain and endo. Just what I need!

Now my stomach feels like there's a tornado blowing in there! I am not looking forward to what my TCM doc has to say about me tomorrow... This is pure self-sabotage. And I am sure I will pay for it dearly! But I feel so happyyyyyyyy!

Do you ever give yourself a break and succumb to the dark side occasionally...especially when it comes to food?

(Pic compliments of Zoey when he was a kitten)

Freedom!

Zoey Escapes! This is one of the many times that my cat Zoey attempts to escape from the house. I had left one window opened in the bathroom and he fearlessly went for it! He has given me many heart-attacks over the short course of his life!

I always keep Zoey indoors, afraid that the dogs in the neighborhood would get to him. And I'm paranoid about catnapping too! Yes, you could say I am a rather over-zealous and over-protective "mum" to Zoey. But he is my "baby"! Although I foiled his Great Escape this time, I met him on the other side and let him enjoy the outdoors under supervision, as I always do everyday. He must have felt great about his freedom, because he was extremely contented after that.

I too have been feeling this exhilaration of freedom - freedom from intense pain that usually dogs me a few days a month when AF visits. The last few days have been incredible because I was pain-free after CD1. I usually only see the four walls of my bedroom during the first few days of my period, compliments of endometriosis. Today is only CD5 but already, I feel like weeks have passed and I've lived such a full life: I've been out for dinners, out on a movie date with hubby, gone to the clinic for acupuncture, hung out at Starbucks with my fav caramel hot chocolate, managed to mop the floors, do the laundry, iron a mountain of clothes, clean the litter box, cook meals, make Zoey a new toy, reach out to my friends, do my work and blog! Plus the usual eat-shit-sleep!

I am amazed at how much life can be lived in just 5 days, and stunned by the realization that this is how much endo robs from me every month! Endo has imprisoned me for such a long time, and I am thrilled to be breaking out from its clutches. The freedom to live my life the way I want, while bleeding, has been liberating and exhilarating! I owe so much to my TCM doctor for making me better and for helping me regain my life back. Down you go endo! Down-you-go!

I feel so happy and free! A quote from Walter Matthau (as Albert Einstein) in the movie "IQ" sums it up passionately for me --

WA-HOOOOO!

This Made My Day!

Woah! What a sweet surprise I got from Eileen today! She gave me my first blog award. I am so honored that people actually read my blog! Thank you so much Eileen!

As a recipient, there are some things I gotta do--the hardest one being the one-word answer (have you seen the length of my posts?!!) It will be impossible, but here goes...

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!


The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Your hair? Short
3. Your mother? Wise
4. Your father? Gone
5. Your favorite food? Pasta
6. Your dream last night? What dream?
7. Your favorite drink? Tea
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. What room are you in? Home-office
10. Your hobby? Photography
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Parenting
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant
15. Muffins? Anytime!
16. Wish list item? Baby
17. Where did you grow up? The tropics
18. Last thing you did? Photo processing
19. What are you wearing? Dress
20. Your TV? Upstairs
21. Your pets? Adorable
22. Friends? Too few
23. Your life? Blessed
24. Your mood? Calm
25. Missing someone? High School Friend from Australia
26. Vehicle? Toyota
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra
28. Your favorite store? Any home-decorating store
29. Your favorite color? I love 'em all
30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Oct 1
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? TCM clinic
34. One person who emails me regularly? Hubby (?!)
35. Favorite place to eat? Under the stars (doesn't have to be a restaurant, right?)

I only ventured into blogoland recently and I don't know that many bloggers. But here are the ones I have started following recently who have touched my heart with their spirit, strength, humour and resilience. I am passing the award to:

Jill @ Redefining The Birds and The Bees

Barefoot@ Barefoot and (Finally) Pregnant

Sonja @ Don't Scare Easy

Nic @ Trying For a Baby

Maddy @ Late For A Very Important Pregnancy

Andrea @ Preheated Oven:Where's My Bun?

Less Pain, Life Gained

The flood gates opened today, and I am surprisingly well enough to be sitting up writing this. The red tide arrived on the dot as I had expected, and though it brought some pain with it, it is amazingly manageable. I actually managed to leave the house on CD1-something I've never been able to do the last 6 months! I am a functioning human being today, which is cause for celebration! Woohoo! 

I had such a wonderful day today. I went out for dinner with a group of friends and even had them over at my house after dinner. (I entertained on the first day of my period! GASP!) I did have some help though to manage the slight bit of pain. With the history I've had with pain, I am certainly no bubbly sunshine anytime pain comes near me. And so I armed myself with 500mg of naproxen sodium before heading out to dinner. Took an hour to take effect, (I am surprised that it even worked, because sometimes it's as effective as eating candy) and it lasted a good 6 hours. As a trade-off I am now suffering from a bit of gastritis. As soon as my guests left, I crashed on the couch for 2 hours. I only had 1 hour of sleep the entire night last night because of the dull ache - although not that painful on my scale of pain-o-meter, it was like having an annoying toothache the whole night. After the nap, I am now bright awake even though I have not made up for the loss of sleep. The painkiller's worn off now, and the pain came back momentarily. But I can happily say that it's GONE now-entirely on its own! and I actually feel energetic! I really think the worst is over!  

So I've only had 1 day of pain. Why was I spared this time? I haven't done anything different during this last cycle, except for moxa, to warrant this improvement. So I think the moxa must have made a great difference to my body. I saw my TCM doc yesterday and even though I complained to him about the dull ache that had started to creep in, he checked my pulse and said there was no blood stasis. I guess he was right because so far my flow, although a little heavy, has been free of clots! What a big difference compared to the previous cycle! Everything is flowing as it should and I would definitely attribute this to the 12 moxa sessions I had! I am just sooooo happy that I am finally beginning to see some real improvement. 

If the pattern of my periods before I last conceived is anything to go by, that means I should have at least another 2 pain-free, flowing periods before I will be able to conceive. Hopefully that's the kind of logic my body works with. Now it's looking possible that I might conceive before the year end. I don't want to speculate, but I am certainly feeling positive about this now.

Who knows what the future brings. But for now, I've got my wish -

I finally got my life back! Yeehar! 

A Sad Finale

It's CD31 or 13DPO today and I took an early pregnancy test.

It's another Big Fat NEGATIVE!

(Do they have to make that negative line so BIG?)

I should be very, very upset today, but I think I had done all my grieving yesterday. I had been expecting it.

For some strange reason, I am feeling better today, physically. All the strange twinges of pain the past 10 days have gone. I don't feel like there's a rock in my uterus anymore. Even pre-period cramps are not around. Very strange. I feel like they're hiding somewhere waiting to pounce on me any minute! My appetite has returned. No sore breasts. Nothing seems to be going on inside my body now. My body feels completely devoid of... anything. Maybe that's what a big fat "negative" really means.

My spotting has grown heavier. My BBT has been plunging. My body is definitely telling me to stop hoping. Aunt Flo should be here in a day or so, and I am praying it will be a painless visit. At my doc's advice, I will be going in for one last moxa session before the flood gates open. Hopefully, this will decrease the probability or intensity of pain that normally hits me on Days 1-3. I hate being a prisoner of pain. I am looking forward to a dinner appointment on Sunday with some wonderful new friends I made. And I will be devastated if I have to miss that because of pain. Endometriosis has controlled much of my life.

I want my life back!

I Wore Black Today

The possibility of losing my "baby" hit me really hard today. This is the closest I've been to getting pregnant in the last 6 months since my miscarriage, and to see it slip away again has been devastating.

I woke up today, 11 DPO, to discover that the brown discharge I had since yesterday (10DPO) had not ceased nor lightened. I was really hoping for it to be a sign of implantation bleeding - short and light, since it started within the expected period of implantation bleeding which is 6-10 days past ovulation. But since it's still going strong on the second day, followed by slight cramping that came and went last night, it's looking bad. Plus, all my breast tenderness over the past week has disappeared completely - which doesn't augur well for pregnancy. It seems like my little bean may not be able to hang on. And this tore me up. I think the dreaded Aunt Flo is coming. I never thought I would ever cry over a pregnancy that hasn't even materialized yet. But it's like seeing a dream being destroyed in slow motion. Each day has been a long and turbulent struggle emotionally.

It didn't help when my TCM doc had nothing positive to say today. He still couldn't find a pregnancy pulse. After hearing about my spotting and symptoms, and not being able to read a positive from my pulse, he told me that my chances of being pregnant now was even lower today. I could really see it in his face that he was very disappointed too, even though he has really been trying to help me. I brought up a 2nd scenario where I assumed that a conception never happened - and asked him why I was spotting on 10DPO, despite the intensive treatments this cycle. I never spotted that early in my past year of charting. That only reaffirmed his conviction that it was implantation bleeding and that my little bean has been fighting hard to stay alive. Despite the emotional turmoil, my acupuncture session today felt really good. I felt it calming my uterus down. It felt restful and good. But as soon as I left his clinic I bawled my eyes out.

So is all this implantation drama for real? It seems very highly possible, but things are not looking good now. Black felt like an appropriate color to wear today. My soul found solace in its quite darkness.

Yet, implantation bleeding has been known to last 3 days. I still have hope, despite the odds. But my heart can't really take this torture anymore. I think I am far on enough in my cycle to take an early pregnancy test now. I have decided to do it tomorrow morning and end this torment. I am hoping for the best, but I am prepared for the worst. God help me through the days to come!