My Ute's Naughty Or Nice List

Pssssst.... Anyone there? Thank you if you've been checking in on me even though I've been such a terrible blogger!

I'm sorry for being gone for so long. It's been one and a half months since my last post and I can't say that I have any good news to share at all. Infact, I've been feeling so down in the dumps for the way things are going with my cycles that I've been too frustrated to dedicate any more time thinking or blogging about it. But here I am anyway, still confused as ever, feeling completed dejected, and trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, if you ask if my uterus has been naughty or nice this year, especially of late, well, let's put it this way-I don't think she's gonna get anything from Santa for Christmas! She hasn't behaved in anyway that is good or acceptable. So here's her naughty list:

1) Following my Halloween 6DPO bleeding nightmare, the spotting continued for another 4 days before the floodgates broke opened. That either meant that I had a short luteal phase of about 10 days (UGH!) , or if I had a normal 14 day luteal phase, then I may have ovulated a few days earlier than we thought, on CD 17 instead of CD 20.  Dr.NeverGiveUp prefers to be optimistic and think that I am ovulating earlier and earlier each cycle. It's still a bloody BFN whichever way you look at it!
VERDICT: Naughty

2) In the pain department, I had my usual cramps for about 2 days when AF broke through, and my ovaries started to ache early on in the cycle, particularly on one side, almost every day up till CD14-15.  I was freaking out thinking that my eggs must be already twitching and growing earlier than normal. It's either that, or my endo was doing something nasty to my ovaries.
VERDICT: Naughty

3) By CD8, the ultrasound scan revealed 2 small eggs in the left ovary. At least there's something there...
VERDICT: Nice

4) A week later on CD15, the ultrasound scan revealed a 14 mm follicle but it was fuzzy. This may indicate that the follicle had just ruptured and ovulation had taken place. Hot damn! Ovulation on/around CD15? That is waaaaay early and surely a record for Zengirl! But it's not really good news because the follicle was a bit immature and small at 14mm. Ideally, it should grow to about 18mm to be a good egg. And whatever happened to the other egg?
VERDICT: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty.

5) The next day after the scan on CD16, I just had to POAS to check if there was indeed an LH surge and ovulation. The stick revealed a 2nd line almost as dark as the test line. And the day after that I POAS again and the 2nd line was fainter. I figured that I was catching the tail end of the LH surge and this concurred with ovulation happening around CD15.
VERDICT: Nice

6) A week after the last scan, we took a look to see what had happened to my eggs. The ultrasound scan this time revealed that the eggs were gone. They had indeed been unleashed out into the uterine world to find Mr. Right. Plain and simple. Open and shut case right? Not. At. All. Because in the mean time, my BBT goes up and down and up and down like the world's scariest, most unpredictable roller coaster ride.
VERDICT: Naughty 

7) On 14DPO, AF had not come, but the HPT tested negative. They tell me to wait another week. They did not bother with anymore ultrasound scans since there were no more eggs to be seen.
VERDICT: Naughty

8) On 20DPO, AF still had not come. And the HPT tested negative again! My body tells me I was not pregnant. I had no symptoms at all.
VERDICT: Naughty

9) On further consultation and analysis of my BBT chart, the doctors assumed that ovulation could have taken place much, much later on CD27 instead, because it was only then that my BBT began to rise and stay up. WHAT? So what did the almost positive OPKs I peed on earlier mean? How could I have ovulated on CD27, when there were no eggs left on the last scan? They think that it's very rare, but I could have ovulated twice. It's really too bad they did not continue to monitor for eggs after the last "ovulation". Now there's no way of knowing.
VERDICT: Just. Plain. Naughty.

It is now CD40. Back to a long cycle again. UGH! This cycle's drama has been so drawn out. So, given that ovulation happened on CD 27, it is now 14DPO. And AF is still not here. My BBT remains high. Tomorrow, I will test again. Or AF should have announced its arrival by then. I have no idea what's going on in my body this time. I don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs are not sore at all. My ute feels really bloated, like the lining's all ripe to be shed.  I do feel just a little nauseous from the hike in progesterone produced by the corpus luteum, but this has happened countless times before for me to know not to be fooled by this.

This has been the worst 2WW ever! Or rather 4WW! 
WHATEVER!
BFP or BFN, I just want this waiting to be over.

Halloween Sex Nightmare

Well, I am not talking about a movie or a dream, but as usual, it is my damn high-drama IF life.

WARNING: This is a TMI post!

It's 6DPO this Halloween, and still feeling a bit frisky, I thought it would be ok to have a little luvin'. I certainly remember Dr.NeverGiveUp's advice about not having sex 3-4 days prior to AF (read here and here). And I thought I was still in the clear.

Well, hubs and I were both shocked to discover brown discharge halfway through it. It did not start out this way, nor was I spotting before. Could we have induced another early period with sex again?  I mean it's another 8 days till my period is due! WTF? The brown spotting has not increased but it has not stopped. Do I have some crappy incompetent cervix that can't keep my lining in somehow?

My nipples are still sore, but it's less intense now. My BBT is still relatively low-I think it indicates my progesterone production is still not great. And I've been feeling very crampy and bloated the last couple of days, though it has subsided. And some of the blood from my so called "beautiful" lining has shed-I think that's what the brown stuff was. Shit! Things don't look good. There goes my BFP. 

It's been a hell of a Halloween! Hope yours was better.

LUFS Has Left The Building!

I am now officially in my hair clenching, symptom-obsessed 2WW now.

I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp confirms that the 14mm follicle is no longer visible. This is music to my ears because it means that I have.....OVULATED! Take that you Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)! Last cycle, my egg did not manage to release even though I had an LH surge, and Dr.NeverGiveUp had scribbled in huge letters over my chart- "LUFS"! Hah!

He tells me that ovulation happened most likely on CD20, which was consistent with the predicted maturity of my follicle based on the last scan, and also by the surge of my BBT.

It is now 4DPO (CD25) and I have another 10days more to drive myself insane wondering if I'm preggers or not. Three days ago, I had already started obsessing because my nipples started to get sore, which I don't normally experience. And I felt a wave of nausea that lasted a few seconds last night. I know it's just paranoia - I can't possibly be pregnant yet because it's too early, and implantation hasn't even happened yet. Of course I had to ask Dr.NeverGiveUp if a woman is able to feel pregnant before implantation, and of course he said no! Well, my nipples are still sore! It's probably just the naturally released progesterone talking through my nipples!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp's fertility forecast for me is positively good. He tells me that I have a good chance in getting pregnant this cycle because I ovulated as I should have, we had well timed sex, my BBT surge is looking good and my lining looks very, very fertile. His herbal medication should also help with my progesterone production.  The only concern we have is where the embryo will implant itself. If it can avoid my fibroid/adeno mass (Ms.Nasty), then it has a good chance of survival. He reassured me by telling me that 2 of his patients with the exact same fibroid location as mine managed to get pregnant successfully, as the embryo had implanted itself away from that mass.

So, keeping a positive face, I am going to assume that Mr.Dashing Sperm has met Ms.RJ2 and had a blast(ocyst)! Please be a little good blastocyst and do your thing now OK-just find a great little spot far away as possible from Ms.Nasty and stay put!  :-)

Possible Ms.RJ2 Sighted!!

I went in for another u/s scan yesterday, CD17, to see what's up with my eggs. Here's what the scan said:

I have a 14mm follicle still in there, which I will now call Ms.RJ2 (my second egg since going on Royal Jelly) A week ago there were two - a 8mm and a 5mm. I don't know what happened to the second follicle. Maybe it ovulated or maybe it did a houdini? I don't know. Well, I've actually read about women who ovulated twice in a cycle--I'd never be that lucky, but who knows? My eggs are a bit of a delinquent freak!

But Dr.NeverGiveUp thinks that we should assume that I have not ovulated and that we still have a shot with this egg. According to my historical data (actually last month's chart) and the looks of this egg, he predicts that I will ovulate around CD20. So we've got our game plan on... What else but sex, sex, sex in the coming week!

And oh! Dr.NeverGiveUp gave me a nice compliment - he said my lining was very, very beautiful! I should be flattered!

Ovulation Mystery

Yikes! I might have missed my ovulation date this cycle!

I went in for my u/s scan yesterday, which was CD16 and the scan was inconclusive. Dr.NeverGiveUp said that the follicles looked unclear, which may indicate that I might have just ovulated. WHAT? The odds of that is pretty low, considering my history of no-show eggs or extremely late ovulation. So if I did ovulate this early, it's quite a shocker!

I POAS today, CD17, to see if there is an LH surge on the OPK. Well, the test line is almost as dark as the control line. This could mean 2 things - the LH is building up and I will ovulate soon, or that I am catching the tail end of the surge. Aaarghh! Wish I knew which it was! My BBT has also been pretty low all this cycle. I am to go in on Friday to have another scan to reevaluate where I'm at. Hopefully we'll know what's happening then.

Right now I am so confused. But still hopeful.

Potential Ms.RJ II

So I am in the egg-nurturing phase now, to make sure I get a lovely egg this cycle. The u/s scan today revealed that I have 2 potential "Ms.RJ the Second" in my right ovary. It's CD11 and they measure 8mm and 5mm currently.

Other than that, there's nothing much to report. Well, maybe I can tell you that my libido's great, my mood's great and my weight loss has been going great:

Hubs really loves the effect that Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds are having on me. He loves them because I am always horny for him and he tells me my mood is always good these days. I am never irritable and I don't get upset over little things anymore. He can never tell when I am PMS-ing or when my period's coming. He feels like I am more like what I used to be when we were first married.  He calls them mood-enhancing drugs and he wants me to be on them. Forever!

And I am about 2.5 points away from the healthy range of the Body Mass Index now. I can't believe I let myself put on so much weight since my miscarriage last year. I'm really worried about additional health problems if I get pregnant at the weight I am now. But all this exercise and portion control has been helping a great deal. Hubs thinks the weight loss has been visible and he feels I am beginning to look sexy now - "Delicious!" were his words to me today! LOL! That's been really encouraging. So I'm not gonna stop now till I look "HOT"!!!

(Then I can put it all back on for the baby.... Eeeek!)

Looking At the Bright Side

As disappointing as this past cycle has been for me, Dr.NeverGiveUp tried to focus on the good things today.

• Ms.RJ1, the monster egg-cum-cyst has disappeared! Today's u/s scan revealed that she is gone! The red tide must have "flushed" her out!

• He thinks my cycles are getting shorter and I am producing eggs earlier. Although I've had better cycles 2 years ago, it is obvious that my fertility has gone worse with age. My first cycle under his care was 51 days. Followed by a non-ovulatory 36-day cycle. Then a 37-day cycle with ovulation on CD23. And most recently, a 35-day cycle with a luteinized follicle on Day 20, even though it didn't ovulate. Not exactly champagne breaking news, but it's not bad.

It's CD4 today. The pain has been intermittent but I think the worst is over. My hormones are beginning to rage. I can feel my sex drive surging again. I swear-this is ALL Dr.NeverGiveUp's doing!  :-O

The End Has Come

It is official:

Another cycle has bitten the dust. It's CD1 today.

I started feeling really tired and crampy yesterday. Thinking that some exercise would do me some good, you know, get the blood circulation going a bit, I managed to drag myself to the gym and came home to find that I had begun to spot. I knew that the end was near.

Today the pain started to get quite bad. I hadn't felt such pain in a while. I hadn't taken any Fibrovan since I last ran out about a month back. Maybe it did help with the pain while I was on it. Thankfully I had some of Dr.NeverGiveup's amazing TCM pain herbal medicine and took that. Within half an hour, the pain had subsided to a manageable level. Within a few hours, the flow started going. It was at that point that I began to feel relief. It was as if my ute was cramping hard trying to expel the lining, causing me pain, but once it started shedding, it started to ease up. Before, I used to cramp all the time, consistently for a few days. The difference now is that the cramping has decreased and is more focused. Every time I get a round of cramps, I can understand specifically what my body is trying to do now. And it's amazing how quickly my ute eases off once some blood is shed. A direct cause and effect. The relief is almost immediate! That's pretty amusing to me!

I'm glad this lousy cycle has finally come to an end. The good news is that I actually produced follicles much earlier this past cycle, and that my cycle has shortened to 35 days. The bad news is that I didn't actually ovulate.

Goodbye Ms.RJ1. You're like a guest who has overstayed your welcome. Hope you're gone!

Monster Egg

Ms.RJ1 has turned into a MONSTER!

Today she measured in at 30mm!!! WTF? That's about 1 1/4 inch in diameter!

Apparently she found my ovary too comfortable and did not want to leave! The u/s scan showed that she's looking a bit whitish, which means that she will not ovulate. She is turning into a cyst, which will hopefully dissolve eventually (keeping my fingers crossed).

Dr.Never GiveUp came to a few conclusions about my state:

THE BAD:

I have Luteinizing Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS of LUF) which may be caused by 2 things:

1. Insufficient luteinizing hormone (LH) to trigger ovulation. LH is produced by the pituitary gland, therefore this may point to a problem with my pituitary gland
2. There is a problem in the quality of my egg (Surprise!Surprise!) whereby the "shell" may too tough for the egg to break through, even with sufficient LH

Dr.Never GiveUp noted that I did show a LH surge in my OPK, and from his years of experience, feels that the problem usually does not lie with LH production, but more towards the egg quality. He told me not to worry as he had many patients with this problem and that his chinese herbal medicine (TCM) will help in my case. He said that it is not possible to treat the pituitary gland so to speak, but he will continue to concentrate on improving egg quality.

My lining has thickened to 18mm which means that I should expect AF within the next few days.

THE GOOD:

"At least you're producing eggs!" His exact words. Whoopee???

The Itch Bitch is gone! Good riddance!

I am super horny again. And I am producing abundant clearish cervical mucous (CM), which is very strange to me during this part of the cycle. I know it couldn't possible be fertile CM since Ms.Monster is way past her fertile peak already. I asked Dr.Never GiveUp about the CM and he explained that a healthy woman typically produces 2 types of clear CM: estrogen mucous around ovulation, and progesterone mucous a few days before her period. Her sex drive will also peak around these times. Well, no wonder I'm so horny! He asked me if I my sex drive increased during these times. Since I am producing the progesterone mucous now, he would know that I was horny! I was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I told him it did, where previously I did not have this pre AF symptom. This means that my body is actually improving with all these subtle signs. Good to know that something is working!

Rotten Eggs and Itches

I haven't got anything to report but bad news.

First up, Ms.RJ1 has been nothing but a bad, stubborn egg. Four days after my last scan, my next scan on the following Monday showed that it had grown to about 17mm-Prime for ovulation! In the scan, Ms.RJ1 looked a little blurry, which indicated that it may just be ovulating or was about to. So it was sex, sex, sex after that.

On Tuesday, I decided to POAS and the OPK showed that it was almost positive, with the second line almost as dark as the control line. On Wednesday, I peed on another OPK, and the second line had gone lighter. Cool, I thought. It meant that I probably did ovulate on Monday, and my OPKs were showing that my LH surge had peaked and was already declining. So far so good.

Four days later on Friday, MsRJ1 was STILL there!

WTF! @£$*&%!!! She had swelled to about 25mm! And she had refused to leave the nest! My temperature had not risen either. After discussing it with Dr.NeverGiveUp, his conclusions were:

• My LH surge is still not strong enough to trigger the ovulation (bad news)
• I am at least producing eggs much earlier now (good news)
• If my follicle isn't released, it might turn into a cyst (bad news)
• I had only been on Royal Jelly 1 month (with a week's break in Borobudur) , which wasn't long enough to be significantly effective. He tells me that many of his patients fall pregnant on the 2nd month after starting Royal Jelly
• Ms.RJ1 was not a very good quality egg overall (bad news)

He said that since the follicle was still there, it might still ovulate, and we could still continue to try. Problem was, I had developed an effing yeast infection by then and there was no way we could try!

THIS WHOLE CYCLE IS A BUST!

So now I'm miserable about Ms.RJ1, and about that Itch Bitch! I'm attacking Itch Bitch with the Canesten 1-day pessary, and it's making me bleed a little again. I know this happens to other women, and this is the second time for me even with a 14 month-span in between attacks. This cannot be a coincidence! I am pissed that they still haven't inserted that as a side-effect on it's packaging.

I am going back this Friday for another scan. We will know what's happened to stubborn Ms.RJ1 by then. It feels really weird not being able to "try"this cycle. It feels even weirder not having the chance to mope and torture myself over the 2WW symptoms!

I think I'll go abuse my body with some caffeine and evil non-fertility friendly food now.... :-(
At least that might cheer me up a bit...

PS- Dr.NeverGiveUp had a breakthrough patient last week. A 45 year old patient had just conceived naturally under his TCM programme. She had been infertile for 12 years and had 2 failed IVFs prior to that. She's the oldest patient he ever had. I am 39 now. I still have hope!  I might look like my child's grandmother by the time I have him/her, but hey, who cares!!!

Ms. RJ1

It looks like eating all that snotty looking bee-spit@royal jelly might be doing my eggs some good after all! I went in for my u/s scan today and Dr.NeverGiveUp says I have 1 follicle growing on my left ovary! 

Its about 14mm big, and looks round and distinct. I am calling her Ms.RJ1 (Royal Jelly One).

He was very excited, saying it was a beauuuuutiful egg. He has not seen me having one this beautiful since I've come to see him. He even called Dr.Don'tWorry in to have a look. She was all smiles. "It's wonderful!" she tells me. They both looked really very pleased! 

I think they like marveling at what royal jelly has been doing for their patients. Dr.NeverGiveUp assured me that the combination of his chinese herbal medicine and royal jelly is very, very effective.

I am so happy! I am glad that all that gagging, nose-pinching, gargantuan effort to swallow this foul, expensive bee-spit twice daily is finally paying off! I don't know if the egg will develop any further but so far, this is a good sign, considering it's CD17, which is a reasonable track record for me. 

A follicle can grow up to 2mm a day and it's usually primed to be released when it's about 18mm. So we are having timed intercourse on Sunday night, and going in to have another scan of the follicle on Monday, CD20. I don't expect a BFP so soon, but hopefully, I'm on the road to super fertility! 

Return of Butt Pain

Things have not been going too well for me health-wise.

I have coughing fits now. And my voice has not returned completely. I am still averaging 4 hours sleep per night.

And my ass is throbbing like a nuclear reactor again! This endo ass pain has not made an appearance in months but it's back. And it has gone on for 2 days now.  I even felt some pain radiating through my ovaries. Sometimes I think I've conquered endo because I've had blissful months with little or no pain. But it always seems to find its way back. I guess an endo girl will always be an endo girl... :-(

I also went for a u/s scan today. Dr.NeverGiveUp was eager to get me scanned on CD13 incase the royal jelly has been working miracles on my body and causing me to ovulate early. Well, no follicles in sight. No surprise there.

It's been a sucky week!

Speechless

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Some kind of bug's been bothering Zengirl because she has:

• misplaced her voice. Laryngitis they say.
• had mild fever for 2 days
• been coughing phlegm
• exhausted but can't sleep much
• had 19 hours sleep in 5 days = 3.8 hrs sleep per day average
• not had any appetite even though she's hungry
• lost 5 lbs

At least I don't have to obsess about these being 2WW symptoms because it's only CD10...  The weight loss is pretty cool though!

My Achy Breaky Ute

The last 2 days have not been fun for me.

After a wonderful break from endo pain last month, some achiness returned this AF on CD3. It wasn't excruciatingly painful, thank goodness - just a persistent annoying ache. But what made it worse was that gastritis turned this achey party into a double whammy. It has always been a mystery to me why the two always go hand in hand. It's as if the pain can't exist alone without his friend, gastritis. The period pain is gone now but the pain in the stomach still lingers. Recovery from gastritis always takes the longest for me, usually sticking around for 2-3 days after the period pain is long gone. It just plain sucks!

It also sucks that Dr.NeverGiveUp has asked me to increase my dosage of bee spit (royal jelly). I should finish one bottle within a week, but it has taken me two weeks. So I am now taking a heaped teaspoon of it, twice a day. I'm getting pretty efficient at the whole horrific process of downing this disgusting stuff:  Prepare menthol lozenges, and large cup of water. Pinch nose, hold, shove bee spit in mouth, concentrate hard on swallowing, gulp down water, pop lozenge in mouth. Release nose after menthol fumes have totally engulfed entire ENT system. It's a routine now. One time hubs saw me walking around pinching my nose.

"Oh! Royal Jelly huh?"

No explanation needed.

Anyway, when I had my appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp, I told him that AF had showed up. His reply?

"Good!"

I was taken aback my his cheerful reaction.

"Why is that a good thing?" I asked.

He said that it was good that my period had come on its own- it showed that I did have eggs, although they weren't good quality. I reminded him that my FSH was very low during my last blood work and that already indicated that I have a good reserve of eggs. He seemed very pleased about that.

Anyway, Dr.NeverGiveUp believes so much in bee spit that he's asked me to come in for a u/s scan on CD13, incase I ovulate early, even though I typically ovulate very, very late or not at all!  He seems to think that this stuff is so potent that it will lure my eggs out early. Well, we shall see about that!

Aunt Flo Showed Up

It's CD 1.

My "perfect" lining makes an exit.

Another cycle bites the dust.

Back From Java

Hi Folks!

I'm back from my trip to Central Java. It was a spectacular but equally exhausting trip. My sight-seeing trips are hardly relaxing vacations - waking up at pre-dawn and out the door on our bicycles by 6a.m. to catch the sights in early morning light is not what I'd call "relaxing". But we had a great time!

[Sillhouette of the Prambanan Temples]

[Temples of Prambanan]

[Dieng Plateau]

[Boiling cauldron of mud steaming up from Sikidang Volcanic Crater]

[Borobudur Temple in the Mist]

[Borobudur Temple at Sunset]

And of course something had to give - all our scheduled baby-making, BBT charting and ovulation monitoring went out the window! I didn't even pee on a single stick, so all my OPKs chalked up quite a lot of frequent flyer miles for this round-trip! 

I had an appointment with Dr.NeverGiveUp the day after we got back and he pretty much confirmed my suspicions that this cycle was a bust. The u/s scan didn't show any ovulation-ready follicles and my lining had already thicken to 16mm. My BBT had not risen and was still low which indicated that my progesterone levels were insufficient, and that ovulation likely did not happen. So I'm pretty sure there won't be a Borobudur Baby.

But Dr.NeverGiveUp was so pleased with my lining. He spoke as if he was looking at fine art and kept saying with awe that it was the most beautiful he had ever seen (in my history). He pointed at some curvy white bit on the monitor and said that the lining was thick and very distinctive-"perfect". Well, it's a relief that at least my body got something right!

During our consultation, Dr.NeverGiveUp again shared one of his success stories - apparently one of his patients found out the day before that she was pregnant. She was 40 yrs old and infertile for 7 years. She had conceived on the 4th month under his treatment and on the same month that she started taking royal jelly. He was trying to reassure me that I need not worry and that I just had to be patient because I can still conceive at my age. I mean, good for all these women, but - When is it EVER gonna be my turn? Sigh!

So now I'm back on royal jelly@bee spit. You don't know how much I deplore taking this stuff. I'm still trying to perfect my technique of swallowing this snot-like jelly without ever tasting or smelling it. The other day I squeezed my nose shut with my fingers and put it in my mouth. The texture is so gross it took me quite a few seconds to convince my throat to swallow it. Then I tried to mask it by drinking some water and then eating some sweet pastry stuff, all while pinching my nose. Gawd! Do you know how hard it is to eat something without being able to exhale or breathe? I still had my nose pinched tight, and it took an immense amount of coordination to eat like that because crumbs were flying out of my mouth as I exhaled through it. LOL! Thinking that it was all clear, I released my nose and the lingering waft of bee-spit still made me gag straight away. The kitchen sink was 2 feet away and it took all the effort I had not to hurl into it. Conclusion about sweet pastry experiment: Gargantuan FAIL! The next time I battled bee spit again, I tried the same technique but ate Halls medicated cough drops instead. The pungent menthol fumes seem to help a lot, and this is by far the best masking agent. So this takes the horror a bit out of my bee-spit saga! And to think, Dr.NeverGiveUp actually said that he eventually learned to like the taste of it (he's taking it for anti-aging/cancer reasons). "It tastes quite nice!" he says. He also suggested freezing it so you can take it like ice-cream! Like freezing poop into popsicles actually make poop taste good! 

So anyway, it's CD35 now, my ute's feeling a little tender and Dr.NeverGiveUp said that my period will probably happen within a week. Sadly, it looks like there won't be any BFP this cycle. At least the sex was good!

A Quickie

• Hubs and I are going off to explore the ruins of Java, namely Borobudur and Prambanan! Our flight leaves on Friday morning. Woohoo!

• Ovulation seems to be as elusive as ever but I am bringing a healthy supply of OPKs to pee on!

• I spent a good 15 minutes dispensing and prepacking all my TCM herbal pills and fertility supplements for the trip. There are so many pills, I felt like a freakin' pharmacy! 

• I am not taking Bee Spit (Royal Jelly) along with me. It requires refridgeration and I'm not sure my hotel room has a fridge-since the hotels where we are visiting are pretty no-frills. You can't imagine how happy I am to have an excuse not to take this stuff! 

• The Bee Spit taste is so strong that it even lingers in the water bottle I drink from to wash it down with. When I took a sip from the bottle later, the horrendous Bee Spit smell almost made me gag straight away. I realized that it wasn't so much the taste, but the afwul aroma it exudes that drills into every cell of your olfactory. And stays there! Since smell is so much a part of the taste experience, I find that if I hold my nose shut and down the Bee Spit in one gulp takes the horror off a little bit. Man! This stuff is potent!

• Thanks for all the show of love and support you gals have given me, especially in regards to my latest hormonal findings. I'm sorry I won't be able to keep up with your blogs while I'm away, but I'll catch up when I get back. Hope things are going well for you whichever IF journey you're on and hope to receive some happy news when I return!  

Adios!

My Latest Super Fertility Treatment

Well, it's a good thing that my hormones are on the road to recovery cos my eggs are still damn messed up. They're still doing the houdini act on me. Two days ago, there were 2 follies - one at 12mm, the second at 13mm. Today, they have disappeared!


WTF?

Dr.NeverGiveUp said that they had dissolved?!??? So the next dominant follicle I have growing now is at 8mm. And it's already CD23. Sigh! It's going to be a looooooooooooooooong road to ovulation, if at all.

Since my eggs are still underperforming, Dr.NeverGiveUp said,

"I think it's time to share with you this new treatment that I have."

My heart skipped a beat! WOW! If you remember, I was super excited when I first heard about it this new mysterious treatment. Finally this miracle cure (at least in my head it is) will be revealed to me! So he goes on and tells me that it's.......................................
.............................................................................. Royal Jelly.

Reaction No.1 :
Royal Jelly? OMG! That's what I have always wanted to try!

Reaction No.2 :
What? That's it? But every woman who's been desperately TTC already know about this!!!


Of course I didn't say all that to him, but that was what I was thinking loudly in my head. On the outside, I was cool as a cucumber and patiently listened to him explain why.

Apparently scientists to date still do not know what exactly it is inside royal jelly that is so good for us. There's all sorts of nutritious stuff inside and is used for all sorts of ailments. Royal jelly is actually a substance secreted by the glands of worker bees, and fed in tremendous amounts to baby bees (larvae) to transform them into super egg-laying machines @ the Queen Bee. This stuff is so amazing that it makes it possible for the queen bee to lay eggs up to a total of 4 times her own weight - per day! WIth this stuff, she also outlives normal bees by almost 7 years.

In Dr.NeverGiveUp's clinical trials, it has proven to be very effective as his patients have produced amazingly beautiful eggs. He says that the effects may start to show up 6-7 weeks into taking royal jelly, though I can experience it's benefits as early as 2-3 weeks into it.

For the purpose of increasing fertility, the normal dosage recommended for health maintenance is not sufficient, so I am to take 1 teaspoon twice a day. What I am taking is frozen fresh royal jelly, the pure stuff which he has sourced directly from the bee farmer. Dr.NeverGiveUp told me that there are heaps of royal jelly products available on the market but what he's sourced has proven to be good in quality and effective. This small little bottle costs me $100 and will last me about a week.

As for the taste, I thought it would just be like honey. WRONG! It is possibly the grossest thing I have ever tasted in my life. Worse than all the black, muddy chinese herbal potions I have had to take. First of all, the appearance is so off-putting: it looks like snot! And the taste is so horrendous I can't even describe it. It leaves an awful lingering aftertaste, even after downing it with ice-cream and water. I call this my Bee Spit. So now I'm taking this on top of all my usual TCM pill regime.

Anyway, let's just see what happens. In 2-7 weeks, hubs reckon I may just grow into a big, fat organism as big as a room, immobile and loaded with eggs. Har. Har.

Good Golly Gosh Great Hormones!

I got my CD4 blood work back and the results were fantastic!

My FSH level was really good at 5.7.

My estradiol and progesterone levels were on the low end but still within the normal range.

And my testosterone levels have come down! It was previously at 0.86 prior to Dr.NeverGiveUp's treatment, but it is at 0.5 now (normal range is 0.14-0.76). 

This is truly amazing because there is no treatment in western medicine that can lower women's testosterone! 

I finally have conclusive proof that TCM works for balancing hormones in women! And all I took were chinese herbal pills! Which had no side-effects! And it worked within 3 months for me! This is fabulous news for women who are suffering from infertility due to whacky hormones (PCOS comes to mind too).

Unfortunately not all TCM doctors are at the same calibre as Dr.NeverGiveUp for treating infertility, as I have learned from my own experience. My one and a half years with "TCM doc" with twice-weekly electrified prickings (electro-acupuncture), daily torture of drinking herbal sludge and the occasional fire-play over my meridien points (moxibustion) have done little to help me. I knew I needed a better doctor and it was hard looking for a good one. But I think I finally found my dream TCM doctor! I believe I'm finally on the road to fertile wellness!

Anyway, on that same visit, I decided to ask him why I was feeling so hot (I left out the "and horny" part). He checked my pulse and looked at my tongue and said that I was not heaty. I was feeling that way because of my hormones - 

"You're young again!" 

I couldn't help but laugh at that. I told him that I've been getting zits again. And he says that my hormones are working again. Well he got that right! My sex drive is like through the roof. I told him it's like I'm going through puberty again! He thought that was really funny.

My comatosed libido has finally been CPR-ed back to life and it feels amazing! Age and fervent-but-futile TTC attempts have sucked the fun out of sex. So it's wonderful to have that desire back and to have sex just for the pure fun of it. Unfortunately, I think I am borderline nymphomaniac now! Does having sex 6 times in the last 7 days sound excessive??? Especially when I am not even ovulating yet?

Well, if I haven't been blogging much, you can guess why! ;-) 

Me So "!!-BLEEP-!!"

I went in to see Dr.NeverGiveUp last Friday with an Excite-O-Meter Level of like, 1 billion, because I was super excited about getting my blood work back. I've already been on his meds for 100 days - the minimum pre-requisite for change to happen - and things should be starting to take effect on my body by now.

So I head into the room when my name was called. Only Dr.Don'tWorry, his wife, greeted me. The second that I heard that he wasn't around and that they hadn't got my blood work back yet, well, let's put it this way - if I were an erection, I deflated instantly! I lost all enthusiasm after that. And the rest of the appointment was rather uneventful. All I remember was Dr.Don'tWorry breaking out into her usual "Don't Worry!" song...

"Don't worry about the fibroid..." - my fibroid hasn't shrunk any further.

"Don't worry about your hormones..." - I was worried that I hadn't been ovulating much.

"Don't worry about your testosterone levels..." - they've been a tad high. She then tells me that a patient of hers had it a lot worse than me. Her testosterone was so high that she had to shave her chin everyday before going to work. And she didn't even ovulate. But after 8 months on their herbal formula, she managed to conceive...

I think my hormonal imbalance is somewhat attributed to my strange nocturnal lifestyle. Last month, it got so bad that I was going to bed at noon and waking up at 8pm just in time to have dinner with hubs. My work revolves around an online global market that is open 24 hours, so I don't have or need specific working hours. My odd sleeping hours have also been exacerbated by a history of AF endo pain, which intensifies and keeps me awake through the night, leaving me exhausted by daytime when I could finally sleep. My body eventually preferred to stay awake at night and sleep in the day. I mean, I am more vampire than Edward from Twilight! Unlike Edward, I don't see daylight much and certainly don't go out and sparkle in the sun at all!

My circadian rhythm's all off and I have no doubt it is wreaking havoc on my hormones. So I've been trying to fix that by regulating my sleep habits this past week to be more in tune with the "living". I'm not all normal yet but I'm doing a lot better now. At least I am asleep when the sky's still dark and I'm up before noon. And I have to say that I feel so much better now. Maybe it's mainly psychological, but I don't feel like such a freak at least.

Well I don't know what else is going on with my hormones but my libido has not subsided. Usually it's in a coma and by the time we get to ovulation, it is like pretty much super dead. Maybe Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds has something to do with it??!!! I feel like a teenage boy with raging hormones who has just discovered sex! And wanting it. All. The. Time! Hello? Whose body is that inside???

And I've been feeling really hot too. The ridiculously hot weather hasn't been helping much either. The palms of my hands are extremely warm and flushed all the time. I can just about heat up food by hovering my hands over them! I call them my "microwave hands". According to TCM, I've been diagnosed with a cold condition and I used to joke about it by calling myself a cool babe. Since being on Dr.NeverGiveUp's meds, I'm the complete opposite now - I'm a hot babe! Hubs calls me Hot and Horny! Having battled with IF for years, sex has got to a point where it has become a pointless chore that only happens when I'm ovulating. But now, sex is fun again for me. It's only CD16 now and I don't know how long I can keep this up, but for now, hubs isn't complaining at all. Maybe my moniker needs to be changed from Zen Girl to Horny Girl!

This song comes to mind! LOL!
(Warning-Keep a bar of soap handy to clean your ears out with - explicit lyrics!)

Doing The Timon...Again!

• Aunt Flo's having a party in my ute and she doesn't want to leave. She thinks she just got here. Despite this being CD8!

• Clots that made a no-show last period came back with a vengeance! Despite taking clot-busting Fibrovan religiously.

• I haven't had ANY pain whatsoever -not even a twitch -all through AF. Despite the clots. (It's a miracle!)

• I am feeling so freakin' horny! Despite Aunt Flo chaperoning Ms.Cha Cha 24/7.

So, again...

This Week's Excite-O-Meter

My trip to see Dr. Don'tGiveUp this week resulted in some pretty interesting "news".

Here's how they rate according to my Excite-o-meter, where 0 = not excited at all, and 10 = is super excited.

>>Ms. Nasty, my uterine-fibroid-slash-adenomyosis-slash-endometriosis-mass-near-my-ass remains as stubborn as ever. I was hoping that it would have shrunk itself into oblivion from the Fibrovan I've been taking, but sadly, the u/s scan shows that it has remained unchanged since the last 10mm shrinkage. I haz a very sad.

Excite-o-meter Level: minus 347

>>Again, Dr.Don'tGive Up reports to me that another patient of his has just gotten pregnant (who happens to be the patient in line before me. Gawdamnit! Read about the other pregnant woman in line before me . If you wanna get pregnant, forget IVF, forget TCM! Just be the one in line before me-Pregnancy guaranteed!). Anyway, she's obese, has one son already but was infertile for 3 years trying for her second child. It only took her one month to conceive under his care. (Ugh! You call that infertile?) I was totally not excited about any of this-except for the fact that he has classified her as another unusual case. He didn't say what her diagnosis was but he showed me her BBT chart, which was all over the place! There were dips and spikes in all the wrong places, and surprisingly, her temp got lower and lower. There was absolutely no sign of any pregnant triphasic pattern, or biphasic pattern either. In fact her temp has plunged to 36.0˚F. Dr.Don'tGiveUp stared at her chart silently, in awe and confusion. He said her chart showed that she couldn't possibly be pregnant with her temps, but her u/s scan and urine test proved she was. He thinks that there may be a fault in her temperature taking, but he wanted to show me that women still get pregnant despite the unlikeliness of the situation. He told me not to worry. Women do get pregnant against the odds. So I got a teeny weeny bit excited about it.

Excite-o-meter Level: 

0.5

>>I learned about the dangers about ultrasound scan. Since my MIL seems to be very concerned about me having u/s scans every week, I asked if sound waves could damage my eggs. I also asked if there was any harm to a foetus or embryo especially at an early stage. He replied that a transvaginal scan (the all-seeing phallic sonic probe which they stick up your cha-cha) could pose a danger because it is very near the gestational sac - which is only a couple of inches away from the source of the sound waves. And he wouldn't recommend it during the very early stages of pregnancy. Besides he doesn't want any early-pregnant woman having something stuck up her va-jay-jay or even having sex (up till at least 28DPO, if I can remember correctly from a previous conversation). He added that most doctors wouldn't bother to study about the effects of ultrasound scanning but he spent $20,000 on a course to learn about it in detail, and understands it well. He said that yes, theoretically, ultrasound can be harmful because vibrations can cause damage to a very young gestational sac, but it cannot be clinically proven because nobody would want to mess around with a human life just to prove it. It's also very, very hard to prove. The harm may also be very small-therefore considered negligible, depending on who's looking at the data. As for u/s scanning the eggs on a full bladder, the sound waves are traveling through more layers of tissue and water and so it's not that harmful by the time it gets to the eggs. If you're paranoid like me, avoid the cha-cha wand during very early pregnancy! After spending thousands of dollars and millions of tears, paranoia is acceptable. 

Excite-o-meter Level: 5


>>I found out that Dr.Don'tGiveUp is a Christian. We told him that we'd made plans to visit the ancient ruins of Borobudur in Indonesia in August and he told us that he had been there. 30 years ago, he spent one month in Indonesia traveling across the islands of Java and Bali doing mission work with his church. Normally a doctor's spiritual orientation wouldn't matter to me, but I find it very comforting to know that my doctor and I are on a common spiritual path. After all, I believe that god answered my prayers when I asked for a doctor who combines Eastern and Western medicine, as I found him the very next day! I would like to think that god is working through him to answer my prayers (hopefully!) And knowing that he believes in the same god I do feels reassuring.

Excite-o-meter Level: 7

>>I was very excited about getting my blood tested again after being 3 months on his meds. I really want to see what my FSH is doing, along with my other hormones. Dr.Don'tGiveUp and I were talking about possible ovarian failure due to me not ovulating some months and the poor quality of my eggs. I was spotting a lot prior to AF this past cycle which indicated poor progesterone levels, resulting in a poor,  weak lining. This is also another indication of poor quality eggs. But he doesn't want to jump to any conclusions just yet and will wait for the blood test to see. Even though my FSH was bafflingly low 3 months ago, my prognosis could be worse now, with possible POF (premature ovarian failure) in the cards. But I am eager to confront it and face it head on! I can't wait to get the results back!

Excite-o-meter Level: 8

>>And BTW, he's got needle skillz! He knows his veins! I've been traumatized by incompetent doctors who think that taking blood is a bloody treasure hunt. They've pricked me all over to find blood, even behind my knuckles! Maybe fun for them, but not so for me! Dr.Don'tGiveUp hit the jackpot at first prick! He's done this twice now, perfectly. I never have to worry about giving him blood anymore! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 8.5

>>Knowing that I was getting kinda worried about adding POF to an already long list of fertility problems that would circle the globe twice, he told me not to worry. He said that he has invented a new treatment! I was thinking, "Wow! Who invents new treatments for fertility? Nobody has invented anything new for infertility in years!" So I flooded him with questions about it but he wouldn't tell me much. Dang! All I managed to squeeze from him was that, he was testing it now with some of his patients and it has proven to be effective so far--but he wanted to observe it a bit longer; it involves a few more steps (I'm dying to know what), it would cost a bit more (Oh! What the hell!); it wouldn't require me coming to the clinic more often (Yay!), and that he would introduce it to me in about two weeks' time. OMG! OMG! OMG! I am sooooo super duper excited! Can I please, please, please try it ASAP??!!!! I'll be your guinea pig! My sorry state of a reproductive non-productive system needs ALL the help it can get! 

Excite-o-meter Level: 1,000,000,000!!! 

My excite-o-meter has gone through the roof with the last one!

ROTFL

It's CD2 and I am in NO PAIN! 

What? Did these words just come out of a "Premium" Endo Sufferer? 

Yup! They did. Totally UNBELIEVABLE, but I'm doing a little jig and am having a great CD2! 

My celebration is probably a little bit premature though, seeing as I'm hardly bleeding! Does this even count as a period since my ute didn't even behave like a normal one this past month? After all, my eggs did do a Houdini on me! Oh my gawd! Am I in menopause?

But despite the fact that everything that can go wrong in a cycle did go wrong with me, I've been unusually happy (ok-this can't be menopause). This past few weeks, it feels like an invisible rock's been lifted off my shoulders, and I would take delight in the silliest little things:

Just the other night, I was looking at a few Tintin comic books that hubs just bought (he collects them) and decided that the dog Snowy was my favorite character. Who wouldn't find a talking, opinionated, smart-ass dog whom nobody can hear, adorable? Then I started telling hubs about a dog I had, as a child, that was named Snowy too. The conversation went like this,

"Did you know that I had a white dog named Snowy? ...And a brown dog named Browny? ...And a black dog named Blackie? ...And a cat named Kitty?....." 

...Followed by uncontrollable fits of deep, belly-shaking, lung-ripping, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe laughter! It had just dawned on me that my mother had the most uncreative names for our pets. And I just found that absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard! I mean, okay, it's funny, but on a normal day, I probably wouldn't find it that funny! 

(Just for the record, I also had a dog named Brandy and a dog named Whiskey! All mom's doing! Hubs family does a lot better in the naming department. When we were married, I inherited their black dog which hubs originally wanted to name Carbon! OMG! ROTFL!!! But he thought, wait, what a dumb-ass name for a dog, so they chose Diamond~another form of carbon. Now, that is cool! But then again, they did name their sausage dog (dachshund) Flappy-because its ears would flap when she came running! And just for the record, again, I too had a sausage dog named Jessie, and a second sausage dog named Jessie 2 and a third sausage dog named Jessie the Third! My mom's a creative genius with names!!! ) 

And just last week, hubs and I went to watch Predators because Inception was all sold out, and during one of the goriest scenes, I laughed out so loud because it seemed fascinatingly, ridiculously funny. It was odd because I suddenly realized nobody else was laughing!

Anyway, the point is, I've been laughing a lot! Could this be a hormonal thing, disastrous as mine is? 

Totally Thrown Off-Guard

Woke up today - still sleepy.


BBT is low - same old story.


Not ovulating - same old crap.


Take TCM pills - the usual truckload.


Evening TP wipe - blood.


Blood????


WTF???????


CD1 already?


Not even a chance to ovulate?


A  #@*&!$  non-ovulatory cycle.


My future baby never even had a chance this cycle.


Oh well...!


SNAFU!


Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!


(Picture courtesy of Zoey. With head in spirulina box.)

Sucky Scan

It's CD 32. My ultrasound scan today revealed no eggs.

WHAT? (See my avatar-My eyes popped out like that!)

Could I have ovulated?

NOPE.

My BBT hasn't risen.

And 4 days ago the eggs were still very, very tiny. Could they have grown in leaps and bounds and ovulated 
all within 4 days?

HIGHLY UNLIKELY. (In other words, FAT CHANCE!)

And I thought I might see a fat ripe follicle growing today too. Ppphhhhffft!

Dr.NeverGiveUp says they may have dissolved due to lack of hormonal stimulation. Or something like that.

He's changing my herbal formula to boost my hormones.

And what was that tiny cramping 2 days ago that resulted in some spotting hours later?

He tells me it could be ovulation pain.

HUH?

But I thought I couldn't have ovulated? Is he trying to be optimistic here?

And he tells me that the cyst last month has disappeared!

WHAT CYST?

He never told me that I had one.

Could some aliens have abducted all my eggs? And cyst too? That would be a convenient explanation. It would be nice to know for once that it wasn't my fault my eggs disappeared.

SO NOW I AM ALL CONFUSED.

And Dr.NeverGiveUp wants us to continue boinking like I might just have ovulated. I'm feeling so emotionally dejected now, but I've still got to get the sexy game going tonight. Doctor's orders!

Aaaarrrrgghhhhhh!

(Note to self: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happy Girl =Happy Hormones.
Think Zen.
Feel Zen.
Be Zen.
My name is not RagingLunaticUpsetMadGirl..
I am Zengirl...)

Mini IVF

Have you heard of the Mini-IVF?

I've never heard of it myself until I stumbled upon it recently while doing what desperate-infertile-women-seeking-fertility-miracles do on the internet.

If you've had to defer IVF because of money problems or you don't like drugs and injections much, you might wanna check out this procedure that was developed a few years ago in Japan. From what I understand, it does have quite a few advantages over regular IVF:

• costs a lot less because less drugs are used
• drugs are taken orally with no or minimal injections
• no risk of ovarian hyperstimulation
• older women or women with high FSH can be accepted for treatment
• there is no waiting time between cycles if Mini-IVF fails because the body does not require a rest period due to fewer drugs and lower dosages used
• fewer cancelled IVFs due to insufficient production of eggs because the Mini-IVF does not depend on high number of eggs

What I find interesting is that the goal of Mini-IVF is to produce fewer but "better quality" eggs. With regular IVF, the goal is to make the woman produce tons of eggs in hoping that a few out of the lot is usable. But here's the important bit that women need to know: 

• women (particularly those above age 35) do not produce more than 2 good eggs in any cycle no matter what drugs were used or how much
• generally, the best egg from any cycle comes from the largest follicle, regardless of what drugs were used or how much

From this, I deduce that pumping a woman with a ton of bank-breaking drugs and forcing loads of eggs out of one cycle is really quite pointless - especially if you're running out of eggs - because only a couple of those are your best candidates for pregnancy anyway. Doctors against Mini-IVF argue that because only one egg is used, then all your $$$ is gone if pregnancy fails to happen, whereas with IVF - though the initial outlay of money is so much higher - at least you have more eggs to work with and you can still use the eggs leftover from that stim cycle later on. The point for consideration is: are any of those leftover eggs any good? If not, IVF actually wipes out more of your money if it all fails.  

The reported success rate for Mini-IVF however is not as good as IVF though. But it seems that this is because of the parameters used - Mini-IVF only transfers one fertilized embryo at a time while IVF transfers multiple embryos at a time, which skew the results a bit. This procedure is also relatively new and there is insufficient data at the moment.

Basically, the main consideration for Mini-IVF is the cost saving for women. The toughest question women will have to answer for themselves is what the odds of success are vs money spent on each of the procedures. And how many attempts they can afford before successive failed Mini-IVFs negate their cost savings. 

Before you jump up and down with excitement, know that very few clinics are willing to provide this procedure. And some clinics may already being using a similar Mini-IVF protocol but don't call it that.

For more info on this topic, you can read about it here (scroll halfway), here and here. For professional opinions on this procedure look here.

Although I am not a good candidate for IVF and am focusing on TCM right now instead to help me get pregnant, I always like to know what my options are. Mini-IVF is not for me, at least not right now, but I hope some of you might find this info useful. I know quite a few women who had to give up IVF because they can't afford it. And it breaks my heart that money might be the only thing coming between them and their dream baby.  So maybe there is an option here for them. 

----

Before I go, I want to share with you a funny dream I had recently.

I dreamt that I was pursued by 3 men for the purpose of reproduction:

1) The first guy decided to go for a swim in the ocean and unfortunately, dived off a rock all wrong, and landed splat!... Flat in the water and destroyed any reproductive potential he had in his man parts! So moving on to candidate two...

2) I found out that it was Richard Gere who had the hots for me and was sitting at a cafe waiting for me. I happened to be walking around completely naked which strangely, nobody seemed to be making a fuss of. But then before anything happened, candidate no.3 interrupted the scene...

3) He came out of nowhere and grabbed my completely naked body from behind with his hands. While he tried to drag me off and subdue a frantic me, I was wondering why he wasn't even having an erection from my nakedness. (Yes, it's a good time to be having such thoughts while being kidnapped!) I mean, we were body to body and my butt was right up his crotch while he was holding me! I managed to free myself and ran for my life. He came after me. I lost him after a while and I ended up in a hotel room. I locked the door and waited, thinking I had lost him. But then after a few moments, he found me. I saw his shadow lurking underneath, outside my door. I panicked! He was going to barge down my door! Moments passed, yet nothing happened. Suddenly, a piece of paper was slipped under my door. And he left. I picked up the paper. On it, he said that he would like to make a baby with me. And if I agreed, he would pay me

$201,000,000,000!

Yeah right! If only I could!!!!